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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

DH asked me to consider an open marriage

728 replies

Pumpkinspicedmum · 21/11/2022 23:06

Me and DH have been together since we were 16 and are now 30 with a dd (4) and a ds (16mo)

Since my first pregnancy, I have been struggling with a very low libido and must admit to neglecting DH in that area. The other night DH asked if we could talk and said he wasn't happy in such a low sex marriage (we've dtd 5 times since the birth of our daughter 4 years ago) and really needs sex. He said he has been getting increasingly frustrated and snappy and feels lost in our marriage. He said that he does love me but feels that our relationship is in trouble.

I was honest and told him that it's not him but that I just have zero libido. He suggested counselling but I really don't like the idea of discussing our sex life with a stranger. If I'm honest, I got a bit defensive and went to bed in a huff which I know was wrong.

Fast forward to this evening and DH has asked me if I would consider an open marriage so that he can get his needs met, taking the pressure off of me. He said he loves me and wants our family to stay together but that a compromise needs to be made and its up to me whether we go for sex therapy or I carry on as I am and we have an open marriage.

To be honest, I dont really want to do either and feel a bit annoyed at DH for ruining the status quo which deep down I know is unreasonable and he isn't wrong for wanting sex with his own wife.

Any words of wisdom whilst I try to navigate this situation would be greatly appreciated x

OP posts:
Iamtheonwandlonely · 22/11/2022 07:22

There is another option @Pumpkinspicedmum and that is you just don't fancy your dh and have fallen out of love with him.Is that a possibility at all

Bestcatmum · 22/11/2022 07:23

Go and see your GP comments hahaha. I must have gone to different GPs about 50 times and every time it was "we don't have enough time to talk about this today" until my marriage ended.
Not to mention the utter resentment I felt that I was working full time, doing everything for the kids and in the house and H did nothing except go to work and whinge about sex non stop.
Husbands need to get their fingers out and start helping and GPs need to start listening.
We need to feel loved and cared for to have sex. Its not just filling a hole. If my H had told me he wanted an open marriage I'd have told him to fuck off that day.
What has he done to make you feel loved recently?

Soontobe60 · 22/11/2022 07:24

JennyNotFromTheBlock · 22/11/2022 07:09

I'm not making any personal insults, you're trying to be goady.

Implying that @MavisChunch29 has never been in a relationship is pretty insulting and extremely goady!

MavisChunch29 · 22/11/2022 07:25

Bestcatmum · 22/11/2022 07:23

Go and see your GP comments hahaha. I must have gone to different GPs about 50 times and every time it was "we don't have enough time to talk about this today" until my marriage ended.
Not to mention the utter resentment I felt that I was working full time, doing everything for the kids and in the house and H did nothing except go to work and whinge about sex non stop.
Husbands need to get their fingers out and start helping and GPs need to start listening.
We need to feel loved and cared for to have sex. Its not just filling a hole. If my H had told me he wanted an open marriage I'd have told him to fuck off that day.
What has he done to make you feel loved recently?

This! Best post so far. Thank goodness sanity has been restored. Hopefully the MRA will get bored and bugger off soon.

JennyNotFromTheBlock · 22/11/2022 07:25

Soontobe60 · 22/11/2022 07:21

Oh so she should just lie back and think of England should she? Maybe just think about what you’re saying. Coercion is the act of getting someone to do something by any means. He’s trying to coerce HER into having sex. She’s saying no.

No, but if she doesn't want sex, then why is she still with him? In a..... sexual relationship? If she doesn't want sex, she should leave him, or let him leave. Coercive is what she did, decided unilaterally that their marriage will be sexless. With him having no say. That, is coercive. Coercive is NOT suggesting counselling (which we suggest to all other women on this site) to save a marriage. Trying to save a marriage is the exact opposite of coercive.

Bettybooboo13 · 22/11/2022 07:25

@Soontobe60 precisely, thank you

JennyNotFromTheBlock · 22/11/2022 07:26

Soontobe60 · 22/11/2022 07:24

Implying that @MavisChunch29 has never been in a relationship is pretty insulting and extremely goady!

It would be, if that is what I did. But I didn't.

JennyNotFromTheBlock · 22/11/2022 07:28

I will say though that suggesting massages and cuddles without relief is just going to frustrate the man (or woman, if the circumstances were reversed) even more.

Butitsnotfunnyisititsserious · 22/11/2022 07:28

How can anyone who insists having sex with a person they know doesn’t want it look themselves in the mirror?

Good thing he doesn't do that then hey?!

JennyNotFromTheBlock · 22/11/2022 07:31

Bestcatmum · 22/11/2022 07:23

Go and see your GP comments hahaha. I must have gone to different GPs about 50 times and every time it was "we don't have enough time to talk about this today" until my marriage ended.
Not to mention the utter resentment I felt that I was working full time, doing everything for the kids and in the house and H did nothing except go to work and whinge about sex non stop.
Husbands need to get their fingers out and start helping and GPs need to start listening.
We need to feel loved and cared for to have sex. Its not just filling a hole. If my H had told me he wanted an open marriage I'd have told him to fuck off that day.
What has he done to make you feel loved recently?

Read the OP's posts, she has said her husband does his share and is good and loving. So it's not like that's even an issue.

Bestcatmum · 22/11/2022 07:31

JennyNotFromTheBlock · 22/11/2022 07:25

No, but if she doesn't want sex, then why is she still with him? In a..... sexual relationship? If she doesn't want sex, she should leave him, or let him leave. Coercive is what she did, decided unilaterally that their marriage will be sexless. With him having no say. That, is coercive. Coercive is NOT suggesting counselling (which we suggest to all other women on this site) to save a marriage. Trying to save a marriage is the exact opposite of coercive.

A relationship isn't just about sex!!! There will always be dry periods around children and menopause. Its about love and mutual respect, having someone who will stand by you no matter what, being with a person you know has your back at all times. Raising your family together, working things out together, planning a future,
Who are these people who thing dry periods mean having sex with strangers or ending the marriage?

Bestcatmum · 22/11/2022 07:32

Why can't they think about their children , family and children for once instead of their penis constantly.

JennyNotFromTheBlock · 22/11/2022 07:33

Bestcatmum · 22/11/2022 07:31

A relationship isn't just about sex!!! There will always be dry periods around children and menopause. Its about love and mutual respect, having someone who will stand by you no matter what, being with a person you know has your back at all times. Raising your family together, working things out together, planning a future,
Who are these people who thing dry periods mean having sex with strangers or ending the marriage?

It's been 16 months since they had their child.

The man is 30. How many men do you know that will be happy to be in a sexless relationship?

Be honest there.

Yes, relationships are about mutual respect but if it's all only one way, it's not going to work. Relationships are 50-50, not 100-0.

rookiemere · 22/11/2022 07:35

A dry patch is one thing, facing the possibility of the rest of your life without sex is another.

JennyNotFromTheBlock · 22/11/2022 07:35

Bestcatmum · 22/11/2022 07:32

Why can't they think about their children , family and children for once instead of their penis constantly.

Are you for real, @Bestcatmum The man is 30 years old! Are you suggesting he should be grateful, at 30, for being in a sexless marriage? I think you need to be realistic here. And once in 16 months is hardly 'constantly'. Most 30 year old young men would not be that patient. And we all know it.

Waterfalls39 · 22/11/2022 07:36

I'm open mouthed at a lot of these responses.

Having young children is both physically and mentally exhausting, and the last thing a tired and worn out mother needs is a man shouting me me me at her. It's not your hormones or something for the GP to fix Hmm It's very normal and happens to a lot of couples with young kids.

Notaboutthebass · 22/11/2022 07:36

I think it's good that he's being honest. I wouldn't open up the marriage but definitely have counselling. it's worth doing if you want to save your marriage. Talking to a stranger can be the best thing in my opinion and experience, don't dimiss it.
Spending quality time together is very important too.

Soontobe60 · 22/11/2022 07:37

JennyNotFromTheBlock · 22/11/2022 07:20

Yes it is pointless because you refuse to discuss in good faith and then attempted to gaslight me. Then got upset that I saw how you were operating and called you out.

You’re the one being aggressive and personal. And you claim to be a feminist? Surely if you were such an ardent feminist you’d be arguing for the abolishment of marriage as an institution? Marriage was solely invented in order to procreate. In the eyes of the Church, sex was only supposed to be an means to an end - produce offspring. It then turned into a means for men to legitimately get sex on demand with the backing of the law. Patriarchy at its finest. People insinuating the OP has ‘got what she wanted’ now she has 2 children, and is now making her poor DH suffer by withholding sex are absolutely disgusting.
Just once more for the record - no one has the right to sex from anyone else, whether they are married or not.

Totellyouthetruth · 22/11/2022 07:37

I was in this situation. A few years ago my husband told me how much he was struggling with our lack of sex life. I hadn't realised how much our sexual connection impacted on his emotional happiness and that sex was his primary way of receiving and showing love. Once I understood that it wasnt just a case of a 'horny husband' I took his feelings seriously.

I have a very low sex drive, always have done. I always had an excuse to avoid sex. Once I understood the damage that our lack of sex was doing to our relationship, my mindset started to change.

I decided to try to always be open to sex. If I just went with the flow, I often ended up enjoying it. If I wasn't getting much out of it, I would just take it as an opportunity to be affectionate and loving with my husband. I didn't lie there like a sack of potatoes, and nor did I fake anything. I was still able to make it a special and close time. Sometimes if I really dont want to, I will either do something 'alternative' or rearrange for the morning (and do it).

We have sex Once a week and try to never let a week go past without it. I could easily go months without it and not miss it but I decided that by investing in our sex life, I would ultimately be investing in our family. I never regret saying 'yes' to sex with my husband, whether I truly get into it or not. I don't even care what anyone thinks of my approach: I love my husband, I love our family and don't want to split up or for him to be unhappy in our marriage.

I always try to be affectionate outside of the bedroom too. Hugs, kisses, little moments together.

OP, as an aside: I once read a problem page where a sex therapist answered questions and a reader wrote in to ask how she could reconnect with her husband...long talks? A date night? Join a club together?

The therapist said 'just have sex' and I've found it true in my case.

I also used to worry that I was really boring in bed and that my husband really wanted some kind of kinky woman of the night to thrill him in unique ways each time. I read a kind of parody about this, which said that men are just happy to have any kind of sex and I realised its true! I don't have to be hanging from the rafters. I just need to be me, to be there, to share that connection.

Over time, I have seen how much happier we both are. I even initiate it sometimes because I enjoy the closeness rather than the sex itself. If my husband lost his libido and didn't want to be sex anymore, our relationship would suffer even though I don't have much of a sex drive and don't get much out of it physically.

Not everyone will agree with my approach but it's not their marriage. I always put the family first and try to find a solution from that vantage point.

It sounds like your marriage has a lot of potential for things to improve. Hope all goes well.

JennyNotFromTheBlock · 22/11/2022 07:39

Waterfalls39 · 22/11/2022 07:36

I'm open mouthed at a lot of these responses.

Having young children is both physically and mentally exhausting, and the last thing a tired and worn out mother needs is a man shouting me me me at her. It's not your hormones or something for the GP to fix Hmm It's very normal and happens to a lot of couples with young kids.

@Waterfalls39 The young man is 30 years old! Their last time was 16 months ago! How many young 30 year old men do you know, (who do their share of housework and childrearing as OP has already admitted so that's not an issue), that will settle for being in a sexless marriage at age 30? The problem is the man hasn't shouted me me me, in fact, he's been more patient than 99% of men would be.

Having sex 4 times in 4 years, is NOT normal at all for a young man of 30 years. We're not talking about in his 40s/50s or older here.

Soontobe60 · 22/11/2022 07:39

JennyNotFromTheBlock · 22/11/2022 07:25

No, but if she doesn't want sex, then why is she still with him? In a..... sexual relationship? If she doesn't want sex, she should leave him, or let him leave. Coercive is what she did, decided unilaterally that their marriage will be sexless. With him having no say. That, is coercive. Coercive is NOT suggesting counselling (which we suggest to all other women on this site) to save a marriage. Trying to save a marriage is the exact opposite of coercive.

Telling your wife you’re going to have to find other women to have sex with is pretty coercive IMO. It’s telling her that his dick is more important to him than his wife, his children, his relationship.

Runover · 22/11/2022 07:40

“She has a right to a marriage with no sex if she chooses. If he chooses to reject that, and the thought of never having sex again , or once a year is not something he is willing to tolerate..”

If one person decides unilaterally that the marriage has no sex, by most people’s understanding of what a marriage is it is not longer a marriage. Yes the two of them need to work on what has happened in the marriage but I don’t consider anyone male or female to be some kind of selfish, entitled coercive monster to expect to have regular sexual with their spouse. The husband has been very understanding with the birth of young children etc. but anyone, male or female is going to find it emotionally very hard if their spouse shows absolutely no sexual interest in them. Most women would be devastated if their husband had shown absolutely no interest in sex for 16 months and suggested they sleep in separate beds.

He has explained how he feels very reasonably. She is free to ignore his desire to have an intimate sexual relationship with his wife, but then it sounds like his next obvious stage if she refused to attempt to find out why she has a low libido is to leave the marriage.

Most men and women with a normal libido expect to have sex every week (except of course for times of sickness, young children etc.). If you read the posts from the Reddit forum I mentioned earlier, husband’s generally don’t want “duty sex” and have no interest in having sex with a woman who shows little enthusiasm. Spouses want their partner to desire them and want to have sex. It’s pretty devastating if the spouse that you are committed to is treating you like a sibling or a roommate. That is not what marriage is unless by MUTUAL consent. Of course she can choose not to have sex with her husband for months and years, but he can also decide he is not wiling to remain in a sexless marriage.

They idea that its “internalized misogyny” to recognize that a spouse wants to have sex and intimacy with the person they love, made vows to and had kids with is ridiculous. She can continue to reject her husband but shouldn’t be surprised if he eventually decides to also reject her via divorce and find the love, sex and intimacy he craves as a normal adult human being elsewhere.

Chickenvoicesinmyhead · 22/11/2022 07:41

@Pumpkinspicedmum your DH sounds like an absolute gem.

He is caring, considerate, respectful, honest, gentle and thoughtful. These are all fine qualities.

He adores you and is working hard not to lose you

Be as honest with him as he's been with you. Go to your hotel and just b

JennyNotFromTheBlock · 22/11/2022 07:41

Soontobe60 · 22/11/2022 07:37

You’re the one being aggressive and personal. And you claim to be a feminist? Surely if you were such an ardent feminist you’d be arguing for the abolishment of marriage as an institution? Marriage was solely invented in order to procreate. In the eyes of the Church, sex was only supposed to be an means to an end - produce offspring. It then turned into a means for men to legitimately get sex on demand with the backing of the law. Patriarchy at its finest. People insinuating the OP has ‘got what she wanted’ now she has 2 children, and is now making her poor DH suffer by withholding sex are absolutely disgusting.
Just once more for the record - no one has the right to sex from anyone else, whether they are married or not.

No, I am not. I am responding to aggressive and person abuse aimed at me.

Most feminists support marriage (especially so as it protects women) so you have a strange view on feminism.

Once more for the record and those at the back; if you don't want sex, don't enter into a sexual relationship which is what marriage is.

MavisChunch29 · 22/11/2022 07:43

Telling your wife you’re going to have to find other women to have sex with is pretty coercive IMO. It’s telling her that his dick is more important to him than his wife, his children, his relationship

Absolutely @Soontobe60 . Oh his poor little dick, it must go into someone else immediately, or it might fall off!