DH asked me to consider an open marriage

[Pumpkinspicedmum]

Me and DH have been together since we were 16 and are now 30 with a dd (4) and a ds (16mo)

Since my first pregnancy, I have been struggling with a very low libido and must admit to neglecting DH in that area. The other night DH asked if we could talk and said he wasn't happy in such a low sex marriage (we've dtd 5 times since the birth of our daughter 4 years ago) and really needs sex. He said he has been getting increasingly frustrated and snappy and feels lost in our marriage. He said that he does love me but feels that our relationship is in trouble.

I was honest and told him that it's not him but that I just have zero libido. He suggested counselling but I really don't like the idea of discussing our sex life with a stranger. If I'm honest, I got a bit defensive and went to bed in a huff which I know was wrong.

Fast forward to this evening and DH has asked me if I would consider an open marriage so that he can get his needs met, taking the pressure off of me. He said he loves me and wants our family to stay together but that a compromise needs to be made and its up to me whether we go for sex therapy or I carry on as I am and we have an open marriage.

To be honest, I dont really want to do either and feel a bit annoyed at DH for ruining the status quo which deep down I know is unreasonable and he isn't wrong for wanting sex with his own wife.

Any words of wisdom whilst I try to navigate this situation would be greatly appreciated x

Except that he didn't tell her that. He asked for an open relationship, when she refused counselling. Considering she had refused to do anything to save their relationship, it's telling that her wishes are more important to her than her husband, her children and their relationship (SEXUAL relationship).

And yes, sex is kinda vital in a marriage. If the OP doesn't want sex, then she shouldn't be in a marriage.

16 months ago is a long time. So yes, sex has ceased. And if you'd ever been in a relationship, you'd know that sex is an important part of that

These are your very words.

There are women in this thread who have made very clear that they too would find having sex five times in four years a deal breaker. Are they all selfish? Thinking with their vaginas?

Neither the OP nor her husband are being obviously unreasonable. She shouldn't have to give permission for him to have sex with others or go through the motions in order to keep the marriage alive. Equally he shouldn't have to accept that he has drifted into a sexless marriage without agreeing to it.

Scheduling sex sounds dreadful to me because I'm certain I wouldn't be in the mood when the time came. But then I'm old and single and very happily celibate. I do fully understand however that for many people sex with their partner is fundamental to their happiness. Painting him as some controlling sex pest is unhelpful to the OP

One could describe OP’s behaviour as ‘’manipulative’’ and ‘’selfish’’. If you read OP’s post again, you’ll see that he asked if she’s consider either counselling or an open marriage - he hasn’t issued an ultimatum in any way.

Having to spend the next few decades without physical intimacy with your life partner is soul destroying. No one should be put in this position.

Can you two take this entertaining spat somewhere else as I'm sure it's not that helpful to the OP?!

Going off in a huff and shutting your partner out when they want to discuss things is the silent treatment and considered abusive too. Neither are behaving very well. The marriage no longer works and they need counselling probably individually and together to work out why.

I'm sorry but I think you should go your separate ways, you are not sexually compatible.

Which prove I didn't say what you said I did. I said "If you'd ever been in a relationship" the same way people say "If you've ever seen [insert movie, you'd know/remember etc" or "if you've ever seen a boss lose it, you'd know...." etc.

I did not suggest or say what I've been accused of.

I fully agree with this. Why the jump to open marriage? I'd be quite hurt if my DH suggested that to me.

OP, how does your DH go about sex? Does he ask for it? Does he try and seduce you? Does he pester you for it constantly? Does he just wait for you to try it on?

Waterfalls39 · Today 07:36
I'm open mouthed at a lot of these responses.

Having young children is both physically and mentally exhausting, and the last thing a tired and worn out mother needs is a man shouting me me me at her. It's not your hormones or something for the GP to fix Hmm It's very normal and happens to a lot of couples with young kids.

He’s not shouting me me me, he’s had sex once a year for the last 4 years. In what world is that unreasonable .
In cases like these a lot of men will have affairs, we all know that, then everyone would be shouting what a dog he was. What does he have to do, just accept that his sex life is over, in his 30’s. Is this the lesson we are trying to teach people, if you are married and are unhappy with your sex life , don’t discuss it . Just accept being miserable and say nothing , or just leave, for fear that discussing it is going to make you into a coercive manipulator . Ridiculous

Well said!

Oh dear….
I’ve been married for almost 30 years. We are more content now than we’ve ever been. We hardly have sex because we don’t need to. There were times in our marriage when we had loads of sex but also argued a lot and could potentially have split up.
Sex isn’t important to everyone, and marriage isn’t about sex. It’s about love and friendship and commitment and shared beliefs. Far too many marriages end because of a mismatch in sexual desires. Far too many men still believe they should be able to have sex whenever they want it because they’re married.

Equally he shouldn't have to accept that he has drifted into a sexless marriage without agreeing to it

He agreed to have two children, and having very little sex when you have a four year old and a toddler is par for the course. Once again, marriage is not a contract to have regular sex.

Please don't sleep separately in the meantime.

You sound like you don't feel worthy of him.
Discuss openly how you feel with him. You've got an opportunity to lay your feelings bare and work things through with your DH. All the fundamentals for a good marriage are there, it just needs a bit of unravelling. Good luck @Pumpkinspicedmum You will get through this together.

And this!

So I take it you are definitely older than 30, and your husband is older than 30.

It is not normal for a 30 year old man to be in a marriage where he only has sex 4 times in 4 years. You have to admit that.

At 30, marriage IS a sexual relationship. It is not a friendship or a housemate situation. It is a marriage.

Far too many marriages end because of a mismatch in sexual desires.

Which is what the OP should be doing, ending the marriage because having a mismatch of sexual desires is not compatible with marriage. Marriage is supposed to be about 2 people, not just one deciding how the marriage will be.

Having sex once in 16 months, toddler or not, is not normal. Once again, marriage is a sexual contract. Not a 'friendship' or 'housemate' situation.

@JennyNotFromTheBlock @Soontobe60 @MavisChunch29 Can you please all just stop sniping at each other? If you're not going to say anything helpful to the OP or add anything to the discussion then just go away.

To those suggesting the OP's DH is trying to coerce her into sex, where are you reading that please? I read that he asked her to go to counselling to discuss what is obviously a problem for him in their marriage (and which OP acknowledges is a problem) which she refused to do.

He then asked about an open marriage. While the second might seem like a quick escalation, I suspect for him after 4 years and his first more reasonable suggestion being shut down, it doesn't feel so quick. He hasn't actually asked her for sex at all, so far as we're aware?

Noone has the right to sex, and by turn noone has the right to control the (legal and consensual obvs) sexual expression of someone else either. What right does anyone have to expect monogamy from someone and also impose celibacy as part of the deal.

He hasn’t demanded anything from her, he has asked.

That must've been very hard to hear but it's actually very brave and honest of him. It shows how much he loves you and wants your marriage to work, I'd go so far as to say the majority of men would just shag around behind your back instead.

I really could happily never have sex again. I do want to be married though, so I make the effort and do it once a week. I physically enjoy it once I'm in to it (as in, I orgasm) so it's not like I'm laying there doing something I hate, I just never fancy it in the first place. I think it's a bit like going to the gym: necessary, and you feel good after, but it's just hard to get excited about the prospect before you've warmed up.

When you do have sex, is it enjoyable? I'm wondering if you're like me and just need to do it. Obviously if you're hating the actual sex or finding it upsetting, don't follow my advice.

TBH I think this needs to be framed differently. The OP’s dh has essentially given her an ultimatum or the marriage is over. Because let’s be honest, that’s generally what starting an open relationship means. Marriages almost never survive open relationships where it’s something which only one party wants, in fact more often than not someone will suggest an open relationship when their head has already been turned, and the guilt of having an affair is preventing them from doing so.

Neither party is wrong in this situation. The DH isn’t wrong for wanting to have sex, and the OP isn’t wrong for not wanting sex. But unless the OP wants to address this then they are essentially incompatible and should probably separate while they still are on amicable terms.

By saying no to counselling the OP is essentially saying that she doesn’t want to bring her libido back on track, and that is absolutely her right. But she’s not wrong to say no to an open relationship, so in that case she needs to step back and let her DH go so he can find fulfilment elsewhere.

I am the one without a libido in my relationship. But this is due to having to take life saving drugs. No amount of therapy is going to change that. I do sleep with my dh probably once a week or so but out of a sense of wanting my relationship to work, not because it’s what I want. But if he never suggested it, then neither would I. And if it reached a point where he wanted an open relationship, then I would let him go rather than agree to that. Because you can’t have an open relationship without becoming emotionally involved elsewhere if you’re the kind of person for whom sex means emotional involvement, which to many people, it does.

@FettleOfKish You also have a right to leave the thread if you find it frustrating. Both @Soontobe60 me and several others have made numerous posts intended to be helpful to the OP. The other one you referred to...not so much.

I've literally just arrived and had to wade through dozens of posts of you three sniping at each other. Give it a rest.

And FWIW I don't think your stance that OP not wanting sex trumps her DH wanting sex always and forever and DH will just have to put up and shut up potentially for the rest of his life is particularly helpful to anyone. That's not how healthy relationships & marriages are made, they involve compromise.

The DH here has (to the best of our knowledge) quietly compromised with 4 years of much less sex than he'd find ideal while they were starting their family, and now it's the OP's turn to compromise by at least attempting to find a workable solution to something that has become a problem in their marriage.

Nobody is saying she has to suddenly shag him twice daily against her will, she just has to be willing to work on it, see if they can find a path back to mutually desired intimacy, and if she won't or they can't find a solution that works for both of them then maybe it's time to call time on the marriage.

Yes, I didn't help that's why the OP singled me out for thanks earlier on in the thread.

Right.

I gave OP advice, I didn't just slag off at her husband for wanting a loving relationship.