DH asked me to consider an open marriage

[Pumpkinspicedmum]

Me and DH have been together since we were 16 and are now 30 with a dd (4) and a ds (16mo)

Since my first pregnancy, I have been struggling with a very low libido and must admit to neglecting DH in that area. The other night DH asked if we could talk and said he wasn't happy in such a low sex marriage (we've dtd 5 times since the birth of our daughter 4 years ago) and really needs sex. He said he has been getting increasingly frustrated and snappy and feels lost in our marriage. He said that he does love me but feels that our relationship is in trouble.

I was honest and told him that it's not him but that I just have zero libido. He suggested counselling but I really don't like the idea of discussing our sex life with a stranger. If I'm honest, I got a bit defensive and went to bed in a huff which I know was wrong.

Fast forward to this evening and DH has asked me if I would consider an open marriage so that he can get his needs met, taking the pressure off of me. He said he loves me and wants our family to stay together but that a compromise needs to be made and its up to me whether we go for sex therapy or I carry on as I am and we have an open marriage.

To be honest, I dont really want to do either and feel a bit annoyed at DH for ruining the status quo which deep down I know is unreasonable and he isn't wrong for wanting sex with his own wife.

Any words of wisdom whilst I try to navigate this situation would be greatly appreciated x

I don't think this comment is helpful.

Wanting some space to initially work through your thoughts about a difficult situation is fine. It really is.

The important part is what happens next.

This for sure.
It's not just about a lack of sex, it's a lack of intimacy.

I'm not sure a hotel night is a great idea. What if you don't want to have sex when you're there ? It's a lot of pressure. I would have thought opportunities to spend time together in the daytime without DCs might be the way to start and gradually build up to sex through massages and so forth.

@JennyNotFromTheBlock @Butitsnotfunnyisititsserious
it sounds like he mentioned counselling a couple of days ago, and then a day later suggested open marriage. Just seems like a very quick escalation to me and a bit OTT so quickly given OP has small DC and there are other things that could be considered first.

16 months ago is a long time. So yes, sex has ceased. And if you'd ever been in a relationship, you'd know that sex is an important part of that.

Completely agree with this. Was the same for me

But what other things could be considered? OP said no to sex, and no to counselling. What else is there, when your spouse, understandably, wants sex with his own wife?

Lots of good advice here OP.

I think the other point i would make is he sounds like a decent and sensitive man. If you went down the open marriage route I suspect he would struggle to keep things separate and would end up with a strong emotional attachment to another woman.

In your position I think the choices are probably being intimate with him more often or separating due to incompatibility. It would be heartbreaking to see him gradually checking out because he has fallen for another in an open marriage.

Kindly stop replying to me and making personal insults.

I'm not making any personal insults, you're trying to be goady.

@Pumpkinspicedmum I felt a lot like you - my libido absolutely disappeared after my second baby. We went nearly 3 years with barely any sex; I went to the GP and had blood tests (nothing), I posted on here for advice, and I tried to 'push through it', but I felt like it was gone forever. Like you, I was content with that but my husband found it very difficult. I was so worried about my marriage. I also felt "attacked" when my husband brought it up, even though he was kind and sensitive and patient.

I had counselling for myself, started for stress at work but it ended up exploring my feelings around sex. I was then able to have sex without feeling all the awful things I'd been feeling (bad about my body, pressure, resentful about things that had happened in the past, like I was being made to do yet another thing for someone else, worried about getting pregnant again..)

I'm just saying all this to illustrate that my low libido ended up being related to quite a lot of complicated stuff I would never have realised without the counselling. Once I started having sex again, my libido came back - and I honestly thought I would be happy to go forever without ever having sex again for a long time.

I hope you manage to resolve the situation however makes you happy, OP. Good luck. Your relationship sounds like a great one

Saying someone has never been in a relationship is pretty insulting. You wouldn't say that to me in real life, so don't say it online.

16 months ago is a long time. So yes, sex has ceased. And if you'd ever been in a relationship, you'd know that sex is an important part of that.

I agree. It has ceased. OP decided that for the both of them without even mentioning it. He's been honest with her on how he feels.

I didn't say that. But it's clear you are determined to find fault with what I say in order to not address issues and have an easy out, so, whatever you need to do.

FFS, some of these comments are nuts .
The op has every right to refuse sex if she doesn’t want it. She can refuse to have sex ever again if that’s what she wants, that is her right.
That said calling a guy coercive because he is very unhappy with having sex once a year and making vague references to rape is fucking insane. She has a right to a marriage with no sex if she chooses. If he chooses to reject that, and the thought of never having sex again , or once a year is not something he is willing to tolerate he has the right to leave. Coercive? I can’t even imagine how anyone can arrive at that. Anyone who thinks most guys will live happily in their 30’s, in a marriage with once a year sex is not being realistic. He’s giving her options to consider, I’d imagine if she closes the door on every one he will move on. Everyone has the right to be happy in their marriage , and not everyone is compatible. It doesn’t make either one a bad person

I know the idea of it is unpleasant, but attending relationship counselling or sex therapy seems the only way to save your marriage right now. Counselling isn't anything to be ashamed of and it's not a sign of failure - it means you are both committed to each other and to maintaining a strong relationship. Best of luck as you both sound lovely and very thoughtful of each other

Sadly there is no ignore function. I'll proceed as if there were.

Are you getting enough sleep @Pumpkinspicedmum ?@Pumpkinspicedmum ? If it is a choice between sex and sleep, sleep will always win. Sleep is a need, sex is not.

Do you have anyone that can babysit once a fortnight? Make some time that is not competing with bedtime. Have sex first on your date night, then go out for a meal or whatever.

I agree with PP that it is not a shock that a woman with a 4 yo and 16 MO doesn't want sex. I agree that is not terminal, it is just a stage where a mother's needs are usually unmet, so the wants don't get a look in.

I'm on the other side of this. It's crushing. My DH can't articulate why he doesn't desire me. There's no physical affection or intimacy whatsoever. Sex once every few months. No daily kisses, hugs, nothing. I'm in my 30s and feel starved of what I need. Every time I try to discuss it he feels attacked.

I might start my own thread as I'm really struggling.

I would say his feelings are valid and you do need to address this. It will be massively affecting his self esteem and also your connection as a couple.

So will I. It's obvious you weren't interested in discussing in good faith.

So relieved to see this comment, I was so sad to read the comments so far.

Really shows how low the bar is for men and how people still view women.

How can anyone who insists having sex with a person they know doesn’t want it look themselves in the mirror?

Particularly since sex is such a invasive procedure.
I’m going to have hide this thread, it’s just way too horrible!

To op, please don’t force yourself into anything.

I'm not discussing anything with you @JennyNotFromTheBlock it's pointless. I will continue to post on the thread though.

Yes it is pointless because you refuse to discuss in good faith and then attempted to gaslight me. Then got upset that I saw how you were operating and called you out.

Oh so she should just lie back and think of England should she? Maybe just think about what you’re saying. Coercion is the act of getting someone to do something by any means. He’s trying to coerce HER into having sex. She’s saying no.

OP, how would you/DH feel about cuddles or massages without it leading to penetrative sex? Being intimate without the need to lead up to intercourse works for a lot of people.

You are confusing "insisting on having sex" with a husband doing all he can to save his marriage, @Sonervousimgonnathrowup .