DH asked me to consider an open marriage

[Pumpkinspicedmum]

Me and DH have been together since we were 16 and are now 30 with a dd (4) and a ds (16mo)

Since my first pregnancy, I have been struggling with a very low libido and must admit to neglecting DH in that area. The other night DH asked if we could talk and said he wasn't happy in such a low sex marriage (we've dtd 5 times since the birth of our daughter 4 years ago) and really needs sex. He said he has been getting increasingly frustrated and snappy and feels lost in our marriage. He said that he does love me but feels that our relationship is in trouble.

I was honest and told him that it's not him but that I just have zero libido. He suggested counselling but I really don't like the idea of discussing our sex life with a stranger. If I'm honest, I got a bit defensive and went to bed in a huff which I know was wrong.

Fast forward to this evening and DH has asked me if I would consider an open marriage so that he can get his needs met, taking the pressure off of me. He said he loves me and wants our family to stay together but that a compromise needs to be made and its up to me whether we go for sex therapy or I carry on as I am and we have an open marriage.

To be honest, I dont really want to do either and feel a bit annoyed at DH for ruining the status quo which deep down I know is unreasonable and he isn't wrong for wanting sex with his own wife.

Any words of wisdom whilst I try to navigate this situation would be greatly appreciated x

Oh stop being so dramatic, people have different opinions it is a discussion forum you know. Some think the op's dh is unreasonable not to have accepted the situation and apparently should have been badgering her for years, instead calmly suggesting counselling which sent her off in a huff so he then ill advisedly suggested an open relationship. The op now accepts she can't just reject someone and expect them to just go along with it whether she gave birth years ago or not. So that's good.

Most reasonable people agree that sex is an important part of a relationship, fine if neither want to and don't find each other attractive but those in solid, healthy relationships do have sex. Those who are so horrified by this notion perhaps need to access counselling themselves.

people have different opinions it is a discussion forum you know

@Janiie Yes of course. In which case kindly stop losing your shit yourself at other posters having a different take on the matter.

• You must be single
• Angry young virgins
• Sadly separated as they didn't fancy sex any more
• What planet do you live on?
• People who have clearlly dysfunctional relationships

All stuff you've said on this thread about posters expressing different views from those of your own.

👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼

Cba to trawl back but I certainly didn't say angry young virgins I was quoting someone else.

People clearly either have had, or currently have dysfunctional relationships going by some of the comments, possibly due to sexless relationships and feeling defensive. Understandable to have such negative opinions I s'pose but all the sex doll, sex puppet, only weird women have sex with married men (that was what my comment 'what planet do you live on' was regarding a deluded pp seemed to think women who aren't attractive or 'adjusted' would have sex with a married man) have just been bizarre.

@Janiie my favourite part of the thread was when they were trying to suggest that having hope of your sex life returning to some semblance of normalcy a few years after having children was patriarchal. lol!

@terriblemomm There is some obvious projection happening here and it is concerning that there are people who obviously have deep sexual issues in their marriages giving OP advice.

I agree. I’m also shocked that many think a sex less marriage is normal, or that cutting sex from a partner for years is fine and he/she should suck it up or go into therapy. Many unhappy people and disfunctional marriages offering advice here me thinks.

Yes I wonder when intimacy would advised by some on here, once dc are off to uni perhaps. Oh wait, the relationship is in tatters due to delusion and neglect. Disgusting, the rejected party should have waited 18yrs how very dare they feel unloved and invisible!

Agreed. It’s not like we are suggesting OP puts out every single day. I didn’t have sex for the first six months after mine was born but we have slowly worked it back into our lives. Some times we have sex maybe 2-3 times a month especially if the baby gets sick or is going through a sleep regression but the point is that we are trying to make time for each other. It does not have to be first priority certainly but you cannot neglect the marriage entirely!

OP needs to explore her thought processes with a Councillor. One Q: when they agree to an open marriage, will she be ok with husband falling in love with someone and ultimately leaving her? to me, this is her starting point.

is she ok with losing her husband? Yes or no. the rest will stem from there.

Some think the op's dh is unreasonable not to have accepted the situation and apparently should have been badgering her for years, instead calmly suggesting counselling which sent her off in a huff so he then ill advisedly suggested an open relationship

Yes the whole "well he should have pestered her sooner" shifting of the goalposts was eyebrow-raising. That would have gone down even better I'm sure.

I don't even think suggesting an open relationship was ill-advised. Actually doing it would have been a terrible idea but it took THAT to shock the OP into realising there was a problem instead of pretending the status quo was OK. Something that couldn't be shrugged off.

The most bizarre aspect of the argument was the implication that an active sex life is something we're purely doing for husbands/male partners rather than something we want because we find it enjoyable.

I've temporarily lost my libido because of illness and I mostly wanted it back for myself, not on behalf of DP.

I just seen “have a nice cuddle” suggested as an alternative. What am I reading?! They aren’t in their 80’s

My DH always had a lower sex drive than me. But in recent years it dwindled to around once a month, always instigated by me. It has been soul destroying, feeling unattractive and unseen, no matter how he said it wasn’t about me and that he fancied me etc

We still have lots of cuddles but my goodness it isn’t the same! I was angry with him as he kept promising to make more effort, see a dr etc but never did. Because he was okay with it! I thought he was so selfish, and I didn’t sign up for a celibate life.

Eventually, I really made it clear. I was considering an affair and told him this.

He then went to GP and had testosterone tested. It was very low end of “ normal” for NHS, but should actually be treated according to European guidelines, so it’s starting treatment with private Dr

He admitted he is relieved and has apologised for burying his head in the sand. But that was once a month. Once a year and I’d have been out of there. It isn’t fair.

Yeah I thought that was weird too because they sounded legitimately upset that he was asking for sex at all. So if OP had made the exact same post explaining that he was badgering her In sure they would have gotten upset about that too and said “ah! further proof that he is a sex crazed lunatic of a man!”

Yes, sure, that's exactly what people were saying 🤔😂

And what's wrong with a couple having a cuddle without it ending in sex? Some very odd attitudes to intimacy in marriage here. Clearly intimacy for some people meaning ticking boxes as to how much PIV sex they have, and it's not proper sex if it's not PIV.

There’s nothing wrong with that but expecting it to replace sex entirely for four straight years and expecting the partner to be happy about it isn’t right. Lol We are not ticking boxes. Do you think that women are just sexless beings? Because that is what it sounds like. I mean if you don’t like sex that is fine but maybe you should not hold others up to that expectation. Honestly that is sort of sexist. I like sex. I look forward to it. I was relieved when my partner and I’s dry spell ended and it was much much shorter than OP’s.

Also what is the weird obsession with PIV sex? Why does that keep coming up? I think a oral sex quite suffices in fact I give it and receive it often. Do you think oral or hand sex doesn’t count or something?

Nowhere on this thread has anyone implied that women are sexless beings or that they like sex less than men. In fact men losing their desire for sex with their partners is more often talked about on Mumsnet and is extremely common, due to stress, porn use, medical issues or they just had a low sex drive to start with which has tailed off further.

Okay then what exactly is the problem here? And why is having a cuddle on the couch recommended as a solution? That doesn’t sound like a real solution. Sure I agree that perhaps they need to emotionally reconnect which would do wonders. But it sounded more like it was offered as a replacement and that the husband would just be fine with cuddles for the rest of his years as a father.

Do you think oral or hand sex doesn’t count or something?

Now, I'm not sure if you are deliberately misconstruing my posts or doing it on purpose. Read them again and do better.

Well you kind of just brought it up for no reason when it hasn’t been mentioned for the last few pages. So it was not really relevant. I think you’re the one struggling to communicate here. You do better because I’m clearly not the only one who is confused.

It was relevant, cheers for the unrequited feedback.

I'm out just because no-one can be bothered to substantiate their frankly bizarre interpretations of my posts. Seriously I know this can be a bit of an issue on MN ("so what you're saying is [reductio and absurdum only tangentially related to what poster has said"). But on this thread it's been off the fucking hook, not to mention all the attributing of specific remarks to people on approximately the same side of the debate but who never said anything of the kind. Waste of time talking to some people, it really is.

Oh it doesn't have to end in piv, oral or whatever is fine too as a pp said. However 'Cuddling' for 4yrs is just not going to 'tick many people's boxes'. Present company excepted of course.

And yet here you are .