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Original poster

DH asked me to consider an open marriage

728 replies

Pumpkinspicedmum · 21/11/2022 23:06

Me and DH have been together since we were 16 and are now 30 with a dd (4) and a ds (16mo)

Since my first pregnancy, I have been struggling with a very low libido and must admit to neglecting DH in that area. The other night DH asked if we could talk and said he wasn't happy in such a low sex marriage (we've dtd 5 times since the birth of our daughter 4 years ago) and really needs sex. He said he has been getting increasingly frustrated and snappy and feels lost in our marriage. He said that he does love me but feels that our relationship is in trouble.

I was honest and told him that it's not him but that I just have zero libido. He suggested counselling but I really don't like the idea of discussing our sex life with a stranger. If I'm honest, I got a bit defensive and went to bed in a huff which I know was wrong.

Fast forward to this evening and DH has asked me if I would consider an open marriage so that he can get his needs met, taking the pressure off of me. He said he loves me and wants our family to stay together but that a compromise needs to be made and its up to me whether we go for sex therapy or I carry on as I am and we have an open marriage.

To be honest, I dont really want to do either and feel a bit annoyed at DH for ruining the status quo which deep down I know is unreasonable and he isn't wrong for wanting sex with his own wife.

Any words of wisdom whilst I try to navigate this situation would be greatly appreciated x

OP posts:
nookierookie · 23/11/2022 15:55

@MaybeIWillFuckOffThen

Thing is though that if someone posts and says "I haven't slept in weeks, what can I do?", people will make suggestions. They may not be helpful and they can be ignored, but I don't think that is pushy if people have actively asked for them. Or has said "my baby just doesn't ever sleep, is this normal?" Or "my 18 month old sleeps in my bed and breastfeeds all the time. I am not safe to drive really and I am going crazy". In the latter situation, no one is guilting the OP into anything, just pointing out that they have choices.

On any thread where an OP tentatively raises the possibility of sleep training, there will be someone comparing it to Romanian orphanages and saying "I would never do that, because I love my baby". That's guilt. Personally, I think it is really awful to play on the "bad mother" complex most women have, far far worse than suggesting less intensive mothering options.

But I digress.

Yes, I experienced pressure to leave my baby with family etc. no, I did not do it. Yes, I bf. I'm not a hardline "nothing has changed" person.

But honestly, the idea that 14 months is really early to want to have sex or discuss it is totally bonkers and could only come from a place of assuming that motherhood means putting everything on hold as a normal state of affairs (the answer would be totally different if it were just a question of DH trying to match pre parenthood sexual habits, as that would be unreasonable). This didn't come out of nowhere - the OP admits she basically told him to get on with it last time they were intimate and that she was hoping he'd just drop it and leave her alone. Of course it is an issue that requires fixing together (which OP refused initially and then decided to do when her husband raised an open marriage - if he hadn't, then nothing would have changed).

Runover · 23/11/2022 16:18

I highly doubt the husband hasn't made his point of view known about their sex life for 4 years until now.

Most likely, as with many marital issues the intial overtures were more subtle, he was patient and understanding. The OP says he does his share of childcare and housework.

She also implied that she knew he wasn't happy but assumed he would watch porn and that would take care of things.

She knew there was a big issue she wasn't addressing and he finally confronted her very clearly about it.

In marriage if we unilaterally make decisions that directly affect our spouse without their active buy-in, of course it causes problems.

Unlike many naysayers on this thread I have a lot of hope for this couple because they are now actively communicating and prioritizing their realtionship. By both being willing to go to counseling they clearly care about each other and want to improve the situation.

Quiegal · 23/11/2022 16:24

@Runover

I have every hope this couple will work through these issues.

Not every marriage/relationship a write off.

LemonDrop22 · 23/11/2022 16:24

But if you think a good looking man couldn't find an attractive, willing woman for enjoyable sex outside of his marriage, the only delusional one is you.

It'll go pear shaped.... It is you who is delusional.

And the married woman cheating .... If she doesn't have one of these mythical functional open marriages, her h will end up at op and her husband's door.

Rhondaa · 23/11/2022 16:36

'I highly doubt the husband hasn't made his point of view known about their sex life for 4 years until now. Most likely, as with many marital issues the intial overtures were more subtle, he was patient and understanding. The OP says he does his share of childcare and housework.'

Yes I'd bet he hasn't gone from happy and content to we need counselling and an open marriage overnight, there will have been some build up. The op has probably had her head in the sand as many do about sexual issues.

LemonDrop22 · 23/11/2022 16:57

But if you think a good looking man couldn't find an attractive, willing woman for enjoyable sex outside of his marriage, the only delusional one is you.

Just to add, there an over supply of young, good looking single men who are completely up for no strings sex with women in a wide age range .... Why would a woman choose a married man with young kids who's going to be so much more restricted in availability and where there's an ick factor with his knowing wife is sat at home looking after his young kids and she's only really agreeing to it because she's lost her sex drive and it's that or be left?

LemonDrop22 · 23/11/2022 17:00

The women have the pick (and there are plenty of good looking men); so he'd get the ones with issues.... As I said potential cluster fuck mess.

LemonDrop22 · 23/11/2022 17:06

(Perhaps the women arguing so vehemently that he'd easily get a well adjusted, age appropriate, attractive woman to use as a substitute body for his wife, are (or have been) fucking married men (who've presented themselves as being in circumstances that may or may not be true) themselves; and don't like this being pointed out; I don't know).

Rhondaa · 23/11/2022 17:07

'Why would a woman choose a married man with young kids who's going to be so much more restricted in availability and where there's an ick factor with his knowing wife is sat at home looking after his young kids'

Happens all the time! What planet do you live on. Some women seem to target men who are attached. Maybe they just want fwb or maybe they like the chase. Who knows.

LemonDrop22 · 23/11/2022 17:10

Rhondaa · 23/11/2022 17:07

'Why would a woman choose a married man with young kids who's going to be so much more restricted in availability and where there's an ick factor with his knowing wife is sat at home looking after his young kids'

Happens all the time! What planet do you live on. Some women seem to target men who are attached. Maybe they just want fwb or maybe they like the chase. Who knows.

It happens in AFFAIRS.

Do you really need that explained?

He's not proposing having an affair (well, obviously he wouldn't propose that).

In fwb situations, the single, uncomplicated, available, no ick good looking men would be likely to get priority for any woman, but especially one with integrity.

Rhondaa · 23/11/2022 17:11

LemonDrop22 · 23/11/2022 17:06

(Perhaps the women arguing so vehemently that he'd easily get a well adjusted, age appropriate, attractive woman to use as a substitute body for his wife, are (or have been) fucking married men (who've presented themselves as being in circumstances that may or may not be true) themselves; and don't like this being pointed out; I don't know).

Too many brackets Grin.

I haven't been 'fucking married men' thanks but I'm well aware it goes on. And yes with well adjusted, age appropriate, attractive women too..

LemonDrop22 · 23/11/2022 17:13

maybe they like the chase

What happens when they lose in the chase?

You're making my exact point.

Women who choose to fuck married men with small children are not generally well adjusted.

Even if he said the (apparent) truth that he's not leaving, his marriage is functional in every other way, and if his wife regains sex drive, they'll be dumped like yesterday's newspaper..... Well adjusted women are not likely to go for that. Not when they have the other options that have.

Rhondaa · 23/11/2022 17:13

'It happens in AFFAIRS'

AFFAIRS, open relationships, FWB. Whatever you want to call it.

LemonDrop22 · 23/11/2022 17:14

And yes with well adjusted, age appropriate, attractive women too.

They're not.

Show me a true summary of their life and relationship decisions and I'll show you how they're not.

LemonDrop22 · 23/11/2022 17:15

Rhondaa · 23/11/2022 17:13

'It happens in AFFAIRS'

AFFAIRS, open relationships, FWB. Whatever you want to call it.

Point entirely missed.

The op has disappeared anyway.

Mischance · 23/11/2022 17:16

There is no point in looking at counselling until you have seen GP.

One thing that can happen in a marriage is that the longer you do not have sex, the more difficult it becomes to do it, even if you fancy it. It is almost as though there is a huge wall to get over first. Your life has got into a pattern which is hard to disrupt.

I am absolutely in agreement but lots of touch and no sex to re-establish a physical connection.

Good luck with all this.

Rhondaa · 23/11/2022 17:17

'Women who choose to fuck married men with small children are not generally well adjusted.'

I'm not sure if being well adjusted, age appropriate or attractive comes into it. Some people just have a different set of values to others. I'm with you I don't advocate affairs or fucking married men as you seem to enjoy saying, I'm just acknowledging that it happens and being rejected for years would I imagine be a massive factor in why folk seek others.

LemonDrop22 · 23/11/2022 17:19

Too many brackets

I set of brackets inside another one ..... If that overwhelms you ..... Well, it says a lot.

Rhondaa · 23/11/2022 17:22

LemonDrop22 · 23/11/2022 17:19

Too many brackets

I set of brackets inside another one ..... If that overwhelms you ..... Well, it says a lot.

Doesn't overwhelm me in the slightest just your point may have been lost in the excess bracket use.

What does it say a lot about?

LemonDrop22 · 23/11/2022 17:23

Some people just have a different set of values to others.

Lol.

Well I look forward to seeing you on the next op who's been devastated by her husband's affair (and inevitable gas lighting), is hardly eating, sleeping, is forcing herself to function to look after their kids, won't be able to trust anyone in a relationship for years, might need counselling, might kill herself (yeah, that happens occasionally) ..... That "Some people just have a different set of values to others.".

Funny how they never make their values known and give their partner the opportunity to function on the same values ... Odd that.

Btw this is clearly a detour from the main thread subject into infidelity.

LemonDrop22 · 23/11/2022 17:28

Back on the main thread subject - his suggestion is offensive, ridiculous, disrespectful, selfish, unrealistic, misogynist ("this fuck doll is not functioning so I'll just use the orifices of another fuck doll til this one comes back into commission, if it ever does; why would either fuck doll have the slightest problem with that?" What could possibly go wrong?) and deserves some very hard kick back.

I would advise op and him to fix, or end their marriage. Perhaps she should prepare herself and get ducks in a row in case it does. I would advise her to never accept such a suggestion.

Rhondaa · 23/11/2022 17:29

'Well I look forward to seeing you on the next op who's been devastated by her husband's affair (and inevitable gas lighting), is hardly eating, sleeping, is forcing herself to function to look after their kids, won't be able to trust anyone in'

Yes it is all sadly very predictable isn't it. Let's hope the op's appointment and counselling helps and stops it getting to that stage.

But regarding the general discussion relationships do need nurture and attention, and yes that includes intimacy no matter how much that horrifies you. To physically reject a partner for years surely, surely one would expect the other to want to address it at some point?!

ChocoStripe · 23/11/2022 19:03

LemonDrop22 · 23/11/2022 17:28

Back on the main thread subject - his suggestion is offensive, ridiculous, disrespectful, selfish, unrealistic, misogynist ("this fuck doll is not functioning so I'll just use the orifices of another fuck doll til this one comes back into commission, if it ever does; why would either fuck doll have the slightest problem with that?" What could possibly go wrong?) and deserves some very hard kick back.

I would advise op and him to fix, or end their marriage. Perhaps she should prepare herself and get ducks in a row in case it does. I would advise her to never accept such a suggestion.

Not sure if this is a parody, but on the off chance that it isn't, I'll answer.

If a woman sees herself as a fuck doll, what reason at all can there be for being 'faithful' - if that is even the word you can use here? Is it cheating on your oven if you heat up something elsewhere? Can your toilet cry infidelity if you take a piss at the pub?

If a women, or at least the sexual side of her, is no more than a function akin to a fuck doll, there is no reason whatsoever not to get the same function elsewhere. Especially if he's not getting it at home.

It is only when you view sex as an intimate bonding which should be done exclusively with the person you love, that having sex outside of the marriage can at all be seen as cheating.

gannett · 23/11/2022 19:09

I am so thankful that I've never seen myself as merely the orifices of a fuck doll when I've had sex.

Curious as to what advice @LemonDrop22 would give about a sexless relationship where it was the man seemingly uninterested and the woman who was devastated and rejected. Because most threads along those lines seem to think of men as permanently horny walking erections, and the only reason they're not hard for us on command is PORN or AFFAIR, that's it, no medical or psychological complexity at all.

ReneBumsWombats · 23/11/2022 19:33

gannett · 23/11/2022 19:09

I am so thankful that I've never seen myself as merely the orifices of a fuck doll when I've had sex.

Curious as to what advice @LemonDrop22 would give about a sexless relationship where it was the man seemingly uninterested and the woman who was devastated and rejected. Because most threads along those lines seem to think of men as permanently horny walking erections, and the only reason they're not hard for us on command is PORN or AFFAIR, that's it, no medical or psychological complexity at all.

Fuck doll, sex puppet...some people don't seem to have any concept of sex as a joint act for mutual pleasure and a means of building and sustaining love and intimacy. I'm not saying an open marriage is the answer here, but people who think trying to find a solution means viewing sexual women as dolls and puppets have nothing to contribute.