DH asked me to consider an open marriage

[Pumpkinspicedmum]

Me and DH have been together since we were 16 and are now 30 with a dd (4) and a ds (16mo)

Since my first pregnancy, I have been struggling with a very low libido and must admit to neglecting DH in that area. The other night DH asked if we could talk and said he wasn't happy in such a low sex marriage (we've dtd 5 times since the birth of our daughter 4 years ago) and really needs sex. He said he has been getting increasingly frustrated and snappy and feels lost in our marriage. He said that he does love me but feels that our relationship is in trouble.

I was honest and told him that it's not him but that I just have zero libido. He suggested counselling but I really don't like the idea of discussing our sex life with a stranger. If I'm honest, I got a bit defensive and went to bed in a huff which I know was wrong.

Fast forward to this evening and DH has asked me if I would consider an open marriage so that he can get his needs met, taking the pressure off of me. He said he loves me and wants our family to stay together but that a compromise needs to be made and its up to me whether we go for sex therapy or I carry on as I am and we have an open marriage.

To be honest, I dont really want to do either and feel a bit annoyed at DH for ruining the status quo which deep down I know is unreasonable and he isn't wrong for wanting sex with his own wife.

Any words of wisdom whilst I try to navigate this situation would be greatly appreciated x

Low to non existent sex drive - possibly due to childbirth, breast feeding, sleep deprivation, hormone changes .... Is medical.

The posters condemning the husband for suggesting an open marriage, what do they think he should do?

Separate if they cannot resolve their issues.

This suggestion is selfish, foolish and will destroy their marriage anyway.

Well the open marriage suggestion at least had the desired result of OP taking some action to try and understand why she has no libido and address that.
She wasn't prepared to do anything at all to address the situation until the threat of an open marriage was on the table.

Dunno who you think you're speaking for.

If you think ops h would get a well adjustd. woman who's fuck him if he's honest about his circumstances, and happily piss off if op gets her sex drive back ..... You're delusional.

It's a cluster fuck mess waiting to happen..

From ops h side as well as potential OW's.

And op'd head would be fucked by it.

Not human nature.

Keep deluding yourself.

There's a very strong and very vocal kink, polygamy, "open minded", women can act exactly like men (most can't) contingent on here. Just because they are super vocal doesn't mean they're the majority view.

People have affairs all the time! I'm sure he'd easily find a married woman rejected by her husband and feeling shit too or a single woman, whatever there's plenty of available people out these.

If people value their relationships they'll make a bit of an effort.

It's clear you don't have the faintest idea what sex is for lots of people. Your life is of course your own, but sex is a human life force. Underestimate it at your peril.

Plenty of women are happy with a no-strings arrangement, especially with an uncommonly handsome man. Of course it has the potential to go wrong (and monogamy always works out so perfectly?) and I'm not saying it's necessarily the solution here. But if you think a good looking man couldn't find an attractive, willing woman for enjoyable sex outside of his marriage, the only delusional one is you.

All these cheating husbands find women and the law of averages says that most of them aren't Chris Hemsworth.

@Pumpkinspicedmum

Please don't both read all the comments.

You both decided to go counselling and been very open with each other. Don't let anyone twist your mind.

I think you both do love each other. I do believe you have a great man there.

You realize you can't carry with no sex and expect him not to stray.

I think you shouldn't do the separate rooms. He can just lay with you cuddling you. Sex may naturally happen on its own.

But if you refuse for four years to see the doctor or a counsellor to try to cure it...you're making a choice.

@Pumpkinspicedmum To be honest, I dont really want to do either and feel a bit annoyed at DH for ruining the status quo which deep down I know is unreasonable and he isn't wrong for wanting sex with his own wife.

Basically the status quo of 4 times a year has very well suited you but is causing him to go nuts. It's not working for him at all. His libido is kicking in, yours is not. This is like the number one complaint in most marriages, some overcome it, some not. If you say "no" to an open relationship he'll probably resent you and eventually go and look for a fu-ck buddy which will cause a huge crack in your marriage. The either option is a honest negotiation with him where you agree to the open marriage as it's just sex for play and you guys remain together as partners and family.

Do keep in mind that your man is going to end up (if he hasn't yet) straying so it's better if negotiated honestly rather than done behind your back.

It could be. They haven't got to that point so the rules haven't been set out.

The point is, MN is usually very, very black and white, and vocal, in its opposition to anything but monogamous relationships. So when you find most people are sympathetic to the husband in this particular situation, then there are lots of potential reasons...but it's most unlikely to be because there's a huge majority that's just too terrified to state its opposition.

@MaybeIWillFuckOffThen

I'm not remotely cross with women who do attachment parenting. Everyone should do what works for them. I will admit that the posts where the OP says she is struggling and then all the attachment parents pile in to imply that if she wants her bed back and considers sleep training, stopping breastfeeding etc, then she isn't really a committed loving parent and she is putting her child in the position of a Romanian orphan do give me a bit of rage. There's quite a lot of that around... however, this is not the Op's situation.

Ultimately, I do think that parenting is a dual project. That requires both parents to make sacrifices (sleep, time for themselves, sex) and to find joint solutions. However couples need to carve out time for themselves in the midst of all the chaos - for intimacy of whatever nature, sex or not. There are women on this thread who have been saying SHE HAS A 14 MONTH OLD BABY HOW COULD HE EVEN THINK ABOUT WANTING SEX as if her focus should exclusively be on the children, at all times, and it is totally normal for there to be nothing to spare for a loving partner. I'd hazard a guess that these are the same type of mum martyrs, but I am happy to be wrong! Regardless, I'm afraid that this attitude is not realistic or kind to one's partner. Meeting your kids' needs doesn't mean focusing on them to the exclusion of your partner.

This is very identical to a situation of a couple within our friend group. They had three children under 4. She was juggling the children and work, he didn’t help her much. She was tired and sex was the last thing on her mind. He suggested open relationship, she agreed. He joined lots of dating sites and met regularly with one older woman. After a while she was less tired and thought she’d dip her toe into the dating scene too. Suddenly he wasn’t too keen on the open marriage. Or more so, he would have liked it open for him but have her remain committed to only him. Reluctantly he agreed to let her try, fair is fair and all that. She was inundated with offers from men and had a lot of fun. For a while it was like she had morphed into a sex addict, she even begun sleeping with the husband again. He still wanted to keep the relationship open though despite her now being sexually active (all he ever wanted, but now he was having his cake and eating it). So she too kept seeing other people and in the end she did meet someone who swept her off her feet. She ended the marriage and is still with that other guy.

Not sure why I’m sharing this, I guess to just show you the possibilities. Not an easy situation for anyone.

@Aussiegirl123456

Probably an example of why an open marriage wouldn't work.

Probably the DH felt an idiot for suggesting open marriage now as he lost her.

Yes, this is the problem with open marriages (I was in one so talking from experience), if you don't have a rock solid relationship with your partner you will eventually find someone you like more, there's alway that risk. I too was in an open relationship (we were not married but living together) and after 2 years I found someone, fell in love and dumped my live in partner, which was pretty predictable as our relationship was not that solid and I liked the new guy more.

People "schedule sex" all the time. If you're in an exciting new relationship and you make plans for a date on Thursday night, you'll be shaving your legs and changing the sheets because you're planning sex for that evening. If you visit sex clubs or have a dungeon booked (yes I know, some people do), then you're scheduling sex for then. Most people intend to have sex on their wedding night.

Scheduled sex doesn't have to be boring. In fact, the anticipation can make it very exciting.

This is what I meant about open relationships actually being harder work and requiring a stronger base than monogamous ones.

You have to be on the same page as a couple regarding what you want from it, what your boundaries are and why you're doing it. I remember reading somewhere that open relatonships require a kind of radical honesty, and the ability to communicate it consistently.

The open relationships I've known that work start from a base of being happy and content with your partner - what you go outside the relationship for adds to that, it doesn't detract from it.

But starting from a base of dissatisfaction in your own relationship - well, that's not going to work long-term. It just isn't.

Yes, my experience of non-monogamy comes from a long time ago, but I must echo those who say the primary relationship needs to be very very solid. It shouldn't be used as a sticking plaster for an ailing relationship, which is why I'm not convinced it's the answer here (although people have been known to come around if they explore it together with open minds).

But I can't blame the guy in the slightest for offering it as a potential solution when everything else he's suggested has been shut down for four sexless years.

It sounds as though this might have been what it took for OP to realise how serious the issue is and why it can't be ignored. And now she's taking action, so that's great.

@gannett But starting from a base of dissatisfaction in your own relationship - well, that's not going to work long-term. It just isn't.

As someone who has been 2 yrs in an open relationship the above is KEY.

Agree. You'd think with no children and few responsibilities, DP and I wouldn't need to schedule sex, right? And we don't really, but long working days and schedules that don't coincide mean that things can slip if you don't pay attention.

I feel like a lot of people are tied to sex as this mystic thing that happens when two individuals magically have the exact same levels of energy and horniness and convenience, and talking or scheduling it ruins the romance, or something?

Anyway, there's a specific time of week which we've never talked about but we're reliably both at home and not busy, and it's become a nice pattern rather than a schedule as such. We both expect it, so neither of us decide to do anything else that needs to be done at that time. Anticipation certainly makes it more exciting. If for unavoidable reasons we miss it, we both know the other will be up for sex at the next available opportunity (delayed gratification is also exciting).

@LemonDrop22 You can't argue you didnt shame women whod be open to casual sex. You basically said they would be insecure, no self respect, and crazy to agree to sleeping with someone in an agreed open marriage. And that they'd get feelings. Firstly, no, not all women do at all. Secondly, it suits some women to know a man wont be wanting more. It suits the casual sex arrangement.

It would absolutely not be for me but I can tell you there are women who really only want the fun part and they don't go getting hysterical with feelings

People have written bestselling books on how to be a mistress for women who really do just want the sex and excitement and none of the mundanity and domesticity. I just had a quick Google and there's even a bloody WikiHow on it!

I don't approve, to be clear. But the idea that there aren't women out there who'd be happy with a sex-based relationship with a married man is just ridiculous. Of course it can all go wrong, but monogamy can go wrong too. Find a way to make human relationships failsafe and you'll be richer than Bezos. People will still do it even if they know the potential for pain. Like I said, sex is a life force. Underestimate it at your peril.

@ReneBumsWombats Completely agreed. Its not my choice at all but I happen to know more than 1 woman that this kind of arrangement would suit

The idea of an open relationship is the answer to the problem is fallacious.

I think sometimes there are problems in relationships whereby the emotional block just blinkers the different parties. The op has an emotional block so deep she cannot see how this has eroded the marriage.
Start the counselling to begin with, hopefully the wall can be dismantled and intimacy can begin again.

It's actually not medical, it's... natural. It's the body doing what it does best, responding to stress by conserving energy for essential functions. Conserving the resources of the mother of young children to prioritise their needs, rather than diverting them into a drive that will create more children, more needs, more stress. It's actually, biologically, a very sensible physiological response.

But it is physical, a physical response (or lack of) that is as real as, e.g., erectile dysfunction or other illness that might impede sex - not just that the OP 'can't be bothered'/'doesn't care'.

To be fair Lemondrops isn't saying he won't find women, he's saying he's unlikely to find women who will be in it purely for the sex. And I think that's true. This is why sites like Tinder are grossly gender-imbalanced - het women, by and large, are not interested in emotionless sex with a virtual stranger. For safety reasons as much as anything else. So he may well find women to have sex with; but think how many affairs get rumbled because the affair partner decides to tell the wife, in the hope this will force the man to shit or get off the pot. Think how many amenable FWB relationships go down the pan because one party or the other develops more intense feelings.

I think all her remarks about low sel-esteem etc are a bit unnecessary; but it's simple statistics that fewer women than men make themselves available for casual fucking.