DH asked me to consider an open marriage

[Pumpkinspicedmum]

Me and DH have been together since we were 16 and are now 30 with a dd (4) and a ds (16mo)

Since my first pregnancy, I have been struggling with a very low libido and must admit to neglecting DH in that area. The other night DH asked if we could talk and said he wasn't happy in such a low sex marriage (we've dtd 5 times since the birth of our daughter 4 years ago) and really needs sex. He said he has been getting increasingly frustrated and snappy and feels lost in our marriage. He said that he does love me but feels that our relationship is in trouble.

I was honest and told him that it's not him but that I just have zero libido. He suggested counselling but I really don't like the idea of discussing our sex life with a stranger. If I'm honest, I got a bit defensive and went to bed in a huff which I know was wrong.

Fast forward to this evening and DH has asked me if I would consider an open marriage so that he can get his needs met, taking the pressure off of me. He said he loves me and wants our family to stay together but that a compromise needs to be made and its up to me whether we go for sex therapy or I carry on as I am and we have an open marriage.

To be honest, I dont really want to do either and feel a bit annoyed at DH for ruining the status quo which deep down I know is unreasonable and he isn't wrong for wanting sex with his own wife.

Any words of wisdom whilst I try to navigate this situation would be greatly appreciated x

tend to agree. I think op should stop punishing him for his honesty.

I think you might be onto something….

This

@Pumpkinspicedmum

Wishing you both the best think it all be okay.

Love the ranting but most of us dont agree with you sadly

I think people do agree with them actually.they are just the very people that won’t comment on a post such as this.it is attracting a certain type of view.
kost know what marriage is.what sleeping with someone else when married is. And how utterly fucked yo a suggestion is.but they won’t come on here to argue because well,those never get anywhere on mnet.
many just shocked or too horrified so see the title and think nah,not doing it to myself.what Bollox.
and many people say open marriage is wrong still have said it’s unfair on the dp.and he allowed to want the intimacy.so leave the fucking marriage.your otherwise basically just asking to cheat but with a different term. And suddenly mnet is ok with this.

The posters condemning the husband for suggesting an open marriage, what do they think he should do?
Remain celibate for the rest of his life (and he must only be about 30)? Maybe, just maybe, he's a decent guy trying to save his marriage.
His wife doesn't want sex. He's respected that for 4 years. He's suggested counselling. She's not keen. He doesn't want to leave the marriage because he loves his wife and children. What are his options? The OP has put him in an impossible position. I'm sure he'd rather not have sex with other women. He wants to be intimate with his wife, which in my opinion is perfectly reasonable.
It's also ok for OP not to want sex but she needs to be honest and let her husband go in that case. Or if she loves him, at least try to get to the bottom of her lack of libido.

@Macaroni46 Agreed.

MN is extremely black and white, unforgiving and judgemental about affairs and even consensual non-monogamy. The fact that most people are sympathising in this particular case indicates several things, but not that everyone actually agrees with you and simply doesn't dare to say it.

People are sympathising because the guy has been trying for four years while his wife shut everything down (she's making an effort now, which is great) and this is the very last resort suggestion before, presumably, reconsidering the marriage. The fact that it's this that prompted OP to realise what an issue it is and to do something about it, and not his previous ongoing unhappiness, suggests that he had good reason to float it as a suggestion.

It's very depressing how many women don't see sex as something mutually enjoyable and fulfilling, but instead as something women give to keep men happy and which men should be fine to go without forever from their wives. One poster even likened it to being bitten by a dog, which is just...awful. Nonetheless, many of us don't see it that way, don't experience it that way, and the reason we're the majority on this issue isn't because we've scared away all the dog biters.

I agree wholeheartedly with @LemonDrop22. Allow your husband to shag other women as the price for the privilege of "keeping" him. You've already lost him. Yes he's honest, or so it seems, but in my view you're better off alone getting him to financially contribute.

And seek therapy for the lost mojo.

I know. I basically shook when I read the thread and initially didn’t want to post as I don’t want to upset OP. Luckily, there are many of posters telling her that the marriage is over.

And I saw it with my own eyes. The woman is oblivious. The man is drop dead gorgeous and it looks like she feels he settled for her and now she is catching up with her. When you look closely now, he is sorting finances as they went on to buy another house nearby so they have 2 houses- classic signs of someone getting ready to walk when he meets someone else or when same woman who rejected him changes her mind. Very sad to watch.

I know. I basically had a nervous shake when I read the thread and initially didn’t want to post as I don’t want to upset OP. Luckily, there are many posters telling her that the marriage is over.

And I saw it with my own eyes. The woman is oblivious. The man is drop dead gorgeous and it looks like she feels he settled for her and now age is catching up with her and all her insecurities are on show which no doubt is affecting their marriage. When you look closely now, you can see he is sorting finances as they went on to buy another house nearby so they have 2 houses- classic signs of someone getting ready to walk when he meets someone else or when same single, independent, gorgeous woman who rejected him changes her mind. Very sad to watch.

I read that they got together at 16 and Pumpkin thought the two previous girlfriends were perfect and she wasn't.

THEY WOULD HAVE BEEN 15 YEARS OLD!!!!

Those women may not be so hot now. This is about self esteem as well as how often they have sex.

The marriage is dead in the water.

GC? Are you THE GC?

@ImJustMadAboutSaffron they might have been 15 years old, the OP doesn't clarify but this is something she has raised and is clearly on her mind, whether it seems irrational to others or not.

This is absolutely about self esteem issues, which I have already said and that counselling would help with that. It was in response earlier on in the thread to the nay-sayers that are just saying to give up and it's not something that would hell.

Why on earth is the marriage dead in the water? Both parties are communicating. Both parties want it to work and both parties are trying to think of ways to make it work. That's not dead, that's attempting to resuscitate. I can't believe some people are against even trying

@Bestcatmum

@baileys6904

Sorry not you @Bestcatmum

It's because whenever there is issues most people tell the OP to leave like problem in a marriage/relationship can't be resolved.

In this situation the DH has been open with OP how he feeling and haven't just gone off to have an affair.

It's great both will go counselling.

@Pumpkinspicedmum

Don't listen to people who think these issues can't be resolved.

Please be grateful for the man you have he been so honest with you.

Why would he show his hand at this point if he was trying to lay the path for his exit? He's gone four years with almost no sex - I'm pretty sure once a year is classified as sexless for most purposes. He's suggested counselling and everything. If it was all just a ruse to divorce for another woman, why would he bring up an open marriage now? He's been near enough celibate for four years and tried everything else.

I think he and OP do in fact love each other - it happens - and her mistake was in not appreciating how unreasonable this is until he finally suggested going elsewhere with her permission. Would have been great if he had been able to communicate the scale of the problem some other way, but no other way worked. So now OP is looking to find a solution and I very much hope they can find it and reconnect.

I don't think he used open marriage as a manipulation tool, either. He just had to try more and more options short of divorce to find a solution, and once it got to this point, OP realised the seriousness of it.

Gosh, there are a lot of women on here who think having no sex with their husband is ok and a state of affairs that can persist. Some women genuinely think that having sex once a year in the small kids stage is within the bounds of normal intimacy and, if it isn't, that the man should just suck it up. They probably are the women who would describe themselves as having an urge to have kids above all else and who are dispensing advice to other women on other boards that always involves martyring themselves and having nothing for themselves - "just cosleep forever", "breastfeed round the clock at 3, they are only young once".

And who seem to think that there is no way that a bloke who wants to have no strings sex outside of marriage can get it.

I don't think they live in the real world.

OP's husband reads as a decent man, who has identified that he needs sex to feel happy and has made a proposal to his wife in response to her repeated failure to even demonstrate willing to make any progress. The open relationship suggestion is probably an attempt to shock her a bit, to either tell him she doesn't care about intimacy with him or to start taking steps together (which she has done - I think things are salvageable from here) - I don't imagine that he would actually have an open relationship in practice, because he would end up having an affair and leaving for a more rounded relationship if he were given a green light to seek sex from someone who wasn't his wife. But it doesn't read to me that this is what he is actually wanting to happen. Most women don't get the chance to save their marriage before an affair occurs.

It's also worth remembering that there's a difference between not having sex for medical reasons, and not having sex because you're being rejected and your partner doesn't think it matters. That's probably what destroys people more than simply not getting it.

@nookierookie

They probably are the women who would describe themselves as having an urge to have kids above all else and who are dispensing advice to other women on other boards that always involves martyring themselves and having nothing for themselves - "just cosleep forever", "breastfeed round the clock at 3, they are only young once".

I'm really confused about this bit. Is it your view that there's something wrong with women who feel a strong biological urge to have and nurture children? Or something lesser? I just don't completely see what it has to do with the conversation in hand... You sound very angry with women who do attachment parenting, and I'm not sure why?

Absolutely this and of course in the immediate aftermath of childbirth and those sleepless nights no-one would dispute anyone putting sex on the back burner but years down the line life is usually less chaotic. It is rejecting your partner and if they did that back I'm sure the op would be rightly upset.

even consensual non-monogamy

This would not be consensual non monogamy.