DH asked me to consider an open marriage

[Pumpkinspicedmum]

Me and DH have been together since we were 16 and are now 30 with a dd (4) and a ds (16mo)

Since my first pregnancy, I have been struggling with a very low libido and must admit to neglecting DH in that area. The other night DH asked if we could talk and said he wasn't happy in such a low sex marriage (we've dtd 5 times since the birth of our daughter 4 years ago) and really needs sex. He said he has been getting increasingly frustrated and snappy and feels lost in our marriage. He said that he does love me but feels that our relationship is in trouble.

I was honest and told him that it's not him but that I just have zero libido. He suggested counselling but I really don't like the idea of discussing our sex life with a stranger. If I'm honest, I got a bit defensive and went to bed in a huff which I know was wrong.

Fast forward to this evening and DH has asked me if I would consider an open marriage so that he can get his needs met, taking the pressure off of me. He said he loves me and wants our family to stay together but that a compromise needs to be made and its up to me whether we go for sex therapy or I carry on as I am and we have an open marriage.

To be honest, I dont really want to do either and feel a bit annoyed at DH for ruining the status quo which deep down I know is unreasonable and he isn't wrong for wanting sex with his own wife.

Any words of wisdom whilst I try to navigate this situation would be greatly appreciated x

@LemonDrop22 since when is it OK to shame women who may want no strings attached consensual sex. Plenty of divorced women do not want relationships and seek fwb with a few nice dinners and no emotional involvement or expectations. You're bringing your own issues around sex to this thread.

I wonder if the women who just accept no libido and sexless marriage after children are the same women who have children just because they had that "urge" talked about on the recent childless women threads. Ruled by some primitive animalistic instinct. Sex to make the baby, then no need for sex after the baby. You always see it on threads like this. People who think this is the way it is for every woman, that women should just accept no sex drive, but also think it's reasonable to expect partners to stay in a sexless, intimateless relationships, yet stay monogamous. It just doesn't make sense to me for sentient beings to think this way.

Well said.

There are posters complaining that we are imposing 1950s values on sex around the wife when we say sex is part of a marriage. But then you have posters like Lemon shaming women who want to have casual sex. Too often women who want NSA sex are shamed on these boards and it’s disgraceful. The hypocrisy in their views is lost on them.

I don't normally back track but after thinking about this more deeply I think I would be offended at the open marriage suggestion if it was my other half. I started asking myself what would my DP do? He would voice concerns but suggest therapy only (or risk his balls being chopped off). Maybe OP's DP mentioned open marriage through desperation or to get a point across. Either way it wouldn't be a solution to the problem.

That's a very good point.

It's very hypocritical to say that sex is such an insignificant thing that people should just stay celibate forever if their partner doesn't want it...but at the same time, so significant that opening up the marriage would be evil.

Personally I wouldn't do separate beds. Even if sex isn't on the cards we do enjoy a nice cuddle/kiss/fondle. It provides some intimacy.

Also there are plenty of women including myself where sex so infrequently would be a marriage breaker if nothing was done about it. It isn't just men who want sex

Some of the people criticising the husband - I don’t get what he is expected to do? He’s voicing his concerns in an honest way and offering potential solutions, not coercing the OP into anything. Is he meant to just put up and shut up basically?

You always see people on MN say “you don’t have to stay in any relationship/put up with anything you don’t want to” but I guarantee if OP’s husband divorced her over this, people would be calling him all sorts.

But he is a married man with a wife and children, its not the same as a fbw, whats the benefit to her a quick shag when he can fit her in around his marriage, taking care of his wife and kids. the only reason he would seek her out is for sex, what happens if she doesnt fancy him, wants more, develops feelings for him or god forbid actually feels empathy for his wife and kids snd suggests he visits sex workers or just has a wank if he doesnt want emotional attachments outside his marriage. How exactly is he going to look for and find all these women.

This absolutely.

If he cheated, he'd rightfully get flamed. If he left without trying, he'd get flamed. If he didn't say anything he'd be in an relationship with no intimacy, which he has been by the sounds of it for potentially a years. Why does the man have to live in an unhappy marriage, you wouldn't want a woman to?

If this was the woman OTOH and the guy was on here saying I don't want to have sex with my wife, he'd get flamed and get told she deserves to leave and find someone who wants to show her affection.

I think he's voiced his opinions, he's trying to come to a compromise and he misses being affectionate and feeling closeness with his wife.

I feel sorry for the OP as it seems like a hopeless situation to be in, but this poor bloke sounds at the end of his tether and he wants to save his marriage.

I feel for him tbh.
(Queue the 'don't be a cool wife posts coming soon') men deserve intimacy just as much as women do. Sex is a huge part of a relationship and unless both on the same page, it won't work. And it sounds like the bloke has bided his time by keeping quiet and giving the OP the space she needs before saying anything.

I couldn't do an open marriage. The thought of another woman being intimate with my husband and makes me feel sick. I'd rather split up. Imagine the knife edge of 'I wonder if the next woman he sleeps with I wonder if he falls for her.'

Long and short of it, the sex life will either resume or it won't. It will either work, or it won't. But I can guarantee in a years time if a similar post comes on and says 'DH left me as I'm not having sex with him' everybody would say what a misogynistic sex pest.

The world is such a backwards place. And men can be pigs sometimes, as can women, but the people on here attacking him are taking the fucking PISS.

@HappyHamsters In the world of OLD the term is ethical non monogamy. It suits a lot of people, it wouldn't suit me. You just go on a dating app, make it clear what your situation is, and voila.

Typically developing feelings or wanting more is automatically the end of a purely sexual arrangement..like any situation if a woman doesn't fancy a man then nothing happens. Some women only want an evening here or there of sex with no emotional pressure. It ain't a crime and it shouldn't really involve moral judgement if everyone consents.

I think your husband is "checking out" there's probably already someone lined up and he'll say that his feelings developed for this woman then leave

Happened to a woman a work with

Either make it work or leave one or the other

If he was 'checking out' why would he remain faithful, want to try therapy, want to save the marriage, want to be intimate with his wife, and as a last resort open the marriage - seems a lot of hassle to go through if he's checked out.

Just because it's happened to someone you know in your place of work, yes it's absolutely happening to the OP! Jesus wept.

Its great you both are actively trying to fix things. The steps you have both made so far are great. Just so long as you are both commited to saving your marraige theres a good chance for you both. Theres times my libido takes a dip for a bit but never for years. So I can some what understand ina way. Just keep communicating. Thats key to all of this. Does your DH help with the DC and housework? Is tiredness a factor here?

Good luck OP.

Have seen this (almost exact) situation played out in front of me. While he continued to do everything to keep his marriage and not lose his kids (well, the woman he was infatuated with and for whom he was prepared to dump them, rejected him); those in the know, can tell the marriage is over (I hope yours isn’t) but the woman is in denial and it seemed like she banked so much on him staying because 1) he would lose his kids (well, it is now known he was ready to walk for a single, achieved lady who rejected him) 2) etc etc.

op seems to be in denial about what needs to change and will be shocked if DH left (which explains why she is not opposed to an open marriage.) Him loving you alone may in the end not be enough for him to stay- you are relying on this heavily and it shows through your action or inaction.

But then you have posters like Lemon shaming women who want to have casual sex.

Reading comprehension ..... Non existent.

Exactly.

How two posters got from what I wrote that I'm shaming women for wanting casual sex ..... Is absolutely mind boggling. It's funny, it's so ridiculous.

How exactly is he going to look for and find all these women.

Welcome to the Internet, which can cater for any sort of relationship you want in just a quick Google search.

Except he doesn't really want to. He wants to fix things with the OP.

Welcome to the Internet, which can cater for any sort of relationship you want in just a quick Google search.

Unfortunately even on the internet, hard dick is the cheapest, most readily available resource on the planet.

The female equivalent is not.

There are very very few women who willingly, knowingly have nsa sex with married men with young kids (whose wife is not in a reciprocal open relationship or swinging) who gave not the slightest intention of leaving. And there are very few women who gave nsa without getting attached. For that matter, there are plenty of Jen who get attached too.

Open relationships often crash and burn, I'm afraid it is just as much human nature to pair bond as it is to want nsa sex.

*And there are very few women who have nsa without getting attached. For that matter, there are plenty of men who get attached too.

The cheaters script, as I said before, exists because if the above. Ow generally have to be scammed.

Of the ones who would be totally ok with the scenario above, wouldn't fancy his chances of it going swimmingly and peacefully. They are unlikely to be well adjusted.

And the whole set up is likely to result in the end of their marriage. He'll probably leave for a woman he's intimately and sexually bonded to. esp in the early honeymoon years. Even the kids may not stop him..

Op would also go quietly mad.

Not impressed by his intellect or judgement - someone who can't see the risks and probabilities here.

Question did he have sex with you that night 8 months ago when you told him to get on with it. If so why and how did you feel afterwards. How did he feel if he did too.

how do you feel about sex in general. Do you feel it’s something to get on with like a chore or something to enjoy. Does he take time to make you happy too or is it wham bam thank you ma’am

is the open relationship for both or him as I think this will confuse the hell out of him if he thinks ack it’s fine I’ll get to have sex she’s not interested but what happens if a guy catches your eye and it’s full steam ahead. He’ll be thinking why not me but him It’ll cause resentment and jealousy. what if you catch feelings too and it happens a lot more than you think

My story was I hated sex it was a chore to be done to me. Why cos it was bloody crap hardly any foreplay so I refused sex. This went on for 3 years we’d do it a few times well he did to me. Till he told me let’s open it up and we can have sex with others as it’s getting stale he said.

I reluctantly agreed and he thought he’d meet loads of other lassies. He didn’t meet anyone and I met a few guys as I saw it as dating first then maybe sex which I thought would be shit well…. It bloody wasn’t and husband got jealous and I mean jealous so we split.

I discovered my libido again and knew then I didn’t have to have crap sex with anyone again ever

Plus if you are not 100% in with counselling it won’t work by the way. Both parties must there fully.

Good luck.

You need to see your gun and talk about the libido issue. Hormones play a role and if you still love and are attracted to your husband something is off.

Love this :-)