DH asked me to consider an open marriage

[Pumpkinspicedmum]

Me and DH have been together since we were 16 and are now 30 with a dd (4) and a ds (16mo)

Since my first pregnancy, I have been struggling with a very low libido and must admit to neglecting DH in that area. The other night DH asked if we could talk and said he wasn't happy in such a low sex marriage (we've dtd 5 times since the birth of our daughter 4 years ago) and really needs sex. He said he has been getting increasingly frustrated and snappy and feels lost in our marriage. He said that he does love me but feels that our relationship is in trouble.

I was honest and told him that it's not him but that I just have zero libido. He suggested counselling but I really don't like the idea of discussing our sex life with a stranger. If I'm honest, I got a bit defensive and went to bed in a huff which I know was wrong.

Fast forward to this evening and DH has asked me if I would consider an open marriage so that he can get his needs met, taking the pressure off of me. He said he loves me and wants our family to stay together but that a compromise needs to be made and its up to me whether we go for sex therapy or I carry on as I am and we have an open marriage.

To be honest, I dont really want to do either and feel a bit annoyed at DH for ruining the status quo which deep down I know is unreasonable and he isn't wrong for wanting sex with his own wife.

Any words of wisdom whilst I try to navigate this situation would be greatly appreciated x

Either a man or a woman suggesting they get to fuck other people while their spouse looks after their young kids alone at home .... Because their spouse has low sex drive for entirely understandable, common reasons ...... Is not treating them respectfully and never will be

Conversely :

Sexually rejecting your Partner for 5 years

and

Expecting them to be faithful to you

and

Expecting complete celibacy on their part

and

Rejecting any idea of counselling

and

Moving to the spare room to put more space between you

Is also not treating your Partner respectfully

I don't think her DH has only raised this now as a concern. I expect it has been a raised many times over the last 5 years. I think her DH has now floated the idea of an open marriage to create a bit of shock, in a last ditch attempt to put a rocket under the status quo, and as a last cry for help.

Wow OP what a wonderfully loving, respectful, communicative relationship and DH you have. So nice to read after everything you usually hear about on this forum!

You are communicating and being proactive. You clearly have a solid basis for your marriage. That is something so special and gives you a great foundation for working together.

only giving yourselves a year to fix the problem is a bit ambitious, but a good therapist can help you with that.

I always wonder what 'flip the sexes' posters think they add to a discussion ... because all it does is show that they're willing to completely ignore all the many, many differences and nuances in threads and the absolute reams of research on how men and women are different in every aspect of their lives from sex, to health to childcare to salaries, etc.
If someone started a thread about a dog biting someone, it would be frankly odd if posters said 'but the answers would be different if the man bit the dog'. Well, yy, of course they would. That wasn't worth saying and adding precisely zero value.

@gannett and @Totellyouthetruth

Thank you for your wise and insightful posts on a thread with some utterly batshit contributions.

OP, I wish you all the best 💐

It's not like that at all.

Many women will always side with women, that's why the flip the sexes comment comes up.

If a woman had posted that her DH had only had sex with her 4 times in the last 5 years, and was not open to fixing it, 100% of responses would be LTB, however, when a woman posts the same, very often the DH is portrayed to be a sex pest for wanting sex with his own wife. That's the difference.

The only respectful suggestion would be separation and divorce if they cannot resolve it.

A one sided open relationship is "I get to have everything unchanged and lose nothing, but I get to fuck other women as well, while you sit at home knowing I'm doing it, looking after our kids".

That is not a respectful suggestion or solution.

Not to anyone.

Not a man or a woman.

I do so what ops h's, feelings would be if the situation was reversed and she suggested it to him. Would he accept it rather than break up .... Doubt it.

It's cake eating. It's cruel.

Fix or separate, that is all.

I can't get over that he fixed his mouth to say that to his wife and mother of his two young kids.

He better hope he doesn't ever suffer ED and she reciprocates.

The mental gymnastics it took to create this strawman must have been a sight to behold. There are no 'nuances' in a human being's need. Women are sexual beings too, though I realise that comes as a shock to many. Some men also do 50% of childcare and/or 50% of housework.

A woman has sexual needs. So do men. It takes some deep level of delusion and denial to not understand that there are double standards for women who aren't being fulfilled in a relationship compared to men who aren't being fulfilled. Both male and female have rights in a marriage. Any mendacious arguing of 'nuance' is simply desperate clutching at straws. It is true that women are given the exact opposite advice and support than what the OP's DH is given, and it is rank hypocrisy. And there is absolutely no excuse for it.

*I do so wonder what ops h's, feelings would be if the situation was reversed and she suggested it to him. Would he accept it rather than break up .... Doubt it.

That has to be the weirdest analogy for marital sex between men and women that I think I've ever seen. Needless to say, I think it's a false equivalence and I actually feel sorry for anyone who relates to it.

If Op DH is very good looking, and they are sleeping in separate beds I very much doubt that in a years time there will be any need to discuss open marriages.
OP’s posts don’t show much emotion or real desire to crack on and tackle this issue, if anything it’s a feeling of upset that things couldn’t carry on with him being agreeable to no sex. I feel sorry and im not having a dig as I do understand where she’s coming from, but now the subject has been raised there’s no going back and pretending everything is fine I think that sleeping in seperate beds isn’t a bad thing, she says they both need space. Maybe they will realise that there is no happy compromise and they might be better off calling it a day , ending things before the bitterness and resentment sets in. Or maybe they will realise they are heading towards a crossroads and decide they want to work things out . Countless marriages have probably ended for this exact same reason, no shame or guilt should lie with either party .No
point in forcing yourself to lie next to someone when you are trying to work through how you feel , for either of them.

It's really good that you've agreed to counselling and your DH sounds like a decent man.
Him mentioning attractive women means he's very tempted but wants to sort out his issues and I'd take that very seriously.

The only respectful suggestion would be separation and divorce if they cannot resolve it.

Which is what we've been saying all along! But a few posters are advocating that she have her cake and eat it too!

A one sided open relationship is "I get to have everything unchanged and lose nothing, but I get to fuck other women as well, while you sit at home knowing I'm doing it, looking after our kids".

A one sided relationship is what the DH has now. Where he gets nothing while looking after the kids and doing housework and his needs are ignored. If it were reversed, NOT...ONE of the DH attackers would suggest OP just stay in the relationship and put up with such a one-sided relationship. Not.one. The double standards, the hypocrisy is blatant.

Fix or separate, that is all.

Is exactly what we've been saying! OP didn't even want to fix it! She just wanted to continue the one-sided relationship where she got her cake and ate it and her DH got nothing. She better hope he doesn't do her wrong in divorce. I think denial/alienation of affection was once grounds for divorce somewhere, or in some country.

it sounds great that you are seeking medical help and starting therapy but after a year if its not working you will consider an open marriage or an affair? Is splitting up also an option.

They probably will separate if she doesn’t agree to an open marriage and doesn’t make an effort to be more intimate with her husband.

But clearly neither of them want to split, so they are exploring all options. He didn’t demand that they have an open marriage, he asked. Big difference there.

So what’s wrong with finding solutions before jumping to a separation?

A one sided open relationship is "I get to have everything unchanged and lose nothing

How is that different to how it would be if OP expected things to continue as they are without making any effort at all to find a solution?

If sex is such a big deal that an open relationship is totally disrespectful and not an option, how is it not a big enough deal to try to resolve some other way?

It's good that your husband has be honest with you rather than just going out and having an affair, it's good to read that your are going to try and sort the problem.

I have a phone appointment with my GP this afternoon.

DH managed to wrangle a day wfh and so we have had some time to talk. DCs are in nursery.

We have booked our first relate session and our night away which is a start.

It’s very clear that you both love each other very much. Try to focus on that, although you feel hurt. You mentioned feeling inadequate - It sounds like some personal counselling for your self esteem could be really helpful.

Whenever I feel distant from my husband, I put aside how I feel and focus on the fact I know (rationally) I do want to be close to him, and I ask him, “how can I make your day better?”. It sounds small but it’s intended to build intimacy, and shifts my mindset from focussing on myself to focussing on the love I have for him. It also naturally prompts him to ask the same thing of me!
You could start building that into your day, especially as you’re sleeping separately and both feeling hurt, to create little pockets of connection during the day.

Wishing you both all the best.

Well done!! That's great. I think also this is a step, about intimacy not just sex. People can be quite harsh so I hope you're ok with the comments (ignoring some) and well done for sifting through and using ideas to move forwards 🙂

I hope you also get some time to relax and so something that helps you feel confident, like dancing, a nap, getting your hair done, new make up, whatever works for you!!

I skipped about 10 pages to find some sense.

For those chastising the man for requesting an open marriage, the OP has said she's not entirely against one.

Both are happy to maintain the marriage while being sexed/remaining sexless.

An open marriage or affair can cause immense trauma, its not something to take lightly. The husband could genuinly fall in love with someone else, destroy both families, cause real resentment and stress. The children will know, how do they react to daddy being with his girlfriend tonight, Who would the open marriage be with, a single or married woman, she would have feelings and expectations too. I would explore non penetrative sex options way before an open marriage or affair.

In addition to the insult and selfishness and lack of integrity in suggesting open marriage (only one way open of course) to your spouse ....... Is the delusion and arrogance and foolishness in thinking that there are stable, decent, attractive, age appropriate (I say that because I'm sure he has an age range in mind) women who want to fuck a married man.

A married man with a wife and young kids at home, with his poor wife knowing about it and feeling she has to accept it or lose her marriage & family in her current form, who's sex drive has no doubt been adversely affected by four plus years of pregnancy and baby rearing.

Where dues he think there is a supply of women like that? Do delusional about women in general.

Women who'd agree to something like that are not likely to be ones who have self respect, stability, integrity etc. You'd just get unstable, poorly adjusted, low self esteem, damaged women women with whom things would go pear shaped. Women with attractiveness, self esteem, sense etc. that know they don't have to settle for being some married man (who has no intention of leaving his wife's) no strings human flesh light. Most women can't even do no strings sex.

Why do you think the married cheater script exists .... To nullify him being truly married and convince his target that he's leaving sooner or later. They use that script because it works. They use that script because the truth does not work.

The whole thing is foolish and delusional and offensive on a number of fronts.

Some women may be open to sex with a married man but its called an affair but an open marriage should be beneficial to both parties, whats in it for op? A gorgeous hunky wealthy single man to wine, dine, treat her to holidays and treat her like a princess without the pressure of sex at the end of the evening or the knowledge she can hold onto a marriage while continuing to feed, clothe, clean the kids and the house.

Well done, OP.