DH asked me to consider an open marriage

[Pumpkinspicedmum]

Me and DH have been together since we were 16 and are now 30 with a dd (4) and a ds (16mo)

Since my first pregnancy, I have been struggling with a very low libido and must admit to neglecting DH in that area. The other night DH asked if we could talk and said he wasn't happy in such a low sex marriage (we've dtd 5 times since the birth of our daughter 4 years ago) and really needs sex. He said he has been getting increasingly frustrated and snappy and feels lost in our marriage. He said that he does love me but feels that our relationship is in trouble.

I was honest and told him that it's not him but that I just have zero libido. He suggested counselling but I really don't like the idea of discussing our sex life with a stranger. If I'm honest, I got a bit defensive and went to bed in a huff which I know was wrong.

Fast forward to this evening and DH has asked me if I would consider an open marriage so that he can get his needs met, taking the pressure off of me. He said he loves me and wants our family to stay together but that a compromise needs to be made and its up to me whether we go for sex therapy or I carry on as I am and we have an open marriage.

To be honest, I dont really want to do either and feel a bit annoyed at DH for ruining the status quo which deep down I know is unreasonable and he isn't wrong for wanting sex with his own wife.

Any words of wisdom whilst I try to navigate this situation would be greatly appreciated x

At least he's been honest with you instead of going behind your back and having an affair. He's allowed to have his feelings in the same way you are.
You really need to consider your options. If the tables were turned, users would be saying this isn't fair on you, in the same way it is to him.

I think this is really unfair. Sex 5 times in 4 years, at least once presumably because they both decided on another baby is not 'dwindled'. And most people before approaching a hard topic with their partner might have a little think about offering solutions they've come up with? Sure it's upsetting and it's not ideal - but the ideal is sex with his OWN WIFE!

I think you might benefit from counselling on your own first.
Your summary of your DH's approach gave me pause and since you're unsure about counselling, unpacking your feelings first would probably be beneficial. Otherwise there may be an underlying assumption on everyone's part (you, your DH and the counsellor) that you're all trying to 'fix' you rather than you are both adults with different but equally valid views, and you are both there to work on your relationship.

@LemonDrop22 my previous post was for you, in response to your deleted post. I still stand by it despite your later post.

Suggesting you get to shag other women because your wife's sex drive is hammered, likely due to having your two kids ......
Is the very opposite of treating your wife respectfully.

Here we go…different views are disgusting and disturbing. Because some people value sex in a marriage 🙄

If he refuses counselling and refuses to do anything about it, then, YES, she would be. The irony is that she would be given that advice by others on here, but when he does it, he's wrong.

Flip the sexes and the answers by those attacking the long suffering DH would be all 'you go girl!'.

Your summary of your DH's approach gave me pause

Yes

It would give me more than pause.

The OP has stated he does his share of childcare and housework. And, he works.

You protest too much. Even the OP knows she has issues she has to deal with.

Delusion.

Either a man or a woman suggesting they get to fuck other people while their spouse looks after their young kids alone at home .... Because their spouse has low sex drive for entirely understandable, common reasons ...... Is not treating them respectfully and never will be.

Five times in four years is more than a temporary dip due to children.

That's a long term sexless marriage.

What do you suggest the solution is then? Because how dare a man want to have sex with his wife. The audacity! The entitlement!

And no one has to stay in a sexless marriage

'Here we go…different views are disgusting and disturbing. Because some people value sex in a marriage'

Yep. The discusting husband, fancy wanting some intimacy with his wife. The kids are 4 and nearly 2! I wonder how long the 'she gave him kids' consolation prize lasts with some on mn.

Anyway the op's agreed to counselling so perhaps they will work things out.

You're missing the point. The OP refused counselling, refused anything, her DH was the one who wants to be faithful and save their marriage. And OP has already said he does 50% of the childcare and housework, so your 'oh but she is ALL ALONE with the kids' doesn't work.

Ignoring your spouse, neglecting them and their needs, refusing to seek help, that, is not respectful. That is not treating your spouse respectfully. OP's husband treated her with more respect than she did him. Truth and fact.

Well yy exactly but in the space of approx 24 hrs it's gone from he's unhappy to he suggested an open marriage to OP is going to see her GP but they're now sleeping in different rooms and he's booking a weekend in a hotel for them.
Then there's the frankly questionable responses from certain posters ... so I didn't want to spend too much time detailing the very obvious issues here.

But I don't think she's treating her husband very respectfully either, if at all! I think it's terrible.

Who cares?! It's taken him 4 years to get to that stage. The sad truth is a lot of men wouldn't have even asked...never mind suggested counselling. A lot of ppl on this thread that don't seem to live in the real world...

@SaveMeFromMyBoobs agree it's absolutely not comparable. I find this thread a bit ridiculous and the DH's (award-worthy) patience is going run out...

I haven't read it, but this book is coming out in Jan - sounds like it might be helpful! www.amazon.co.uk/Get-Your-Mojo-Back-Pleasure/dp/1786786958/ref=tmm_pap_swatch_0?_encoding=UTF8&qid=&sr=

Well done to you both for being able to have an honest and open conversation about your relationship.

I have been where you DH is, so I really feel for you both. At the time, my own DH offered opening up our relationship, but it wasn’t something I wanted as it felt like the problem was just being “outsourced”.

We went on to have both couples counselling and sex therapy and stayed together for another seven years. We were happy enough on the surface, but our sex life never recovered and the lack of intimacy broke me.

I eventually came round to the idea of having an open relationship, but this was decided on my terms. Turns out DH wasn’t even interested in being with anyone else, so it was pretty much one sided. I dated outside of our marriage for a good six months and then one of my dates became much more. Much much more. DH and I decided to part ways, but stayed under the same roof for over a year before I moved out.

I have since married the person I was dating (and we have kept an open relationship status), and my exDH and I have remained very close friends.
We were always better suited to just being friends, it turns out.

Please do give your all to the counselling and therapy. No one is going to judge you or think less of you. It’s a very brave and courageous thing to ask for and accept help.

Please do not attempt an open relationship unless you are both into it and have really, really discussed all the implications.

Please be kind to yourself and your DH.

@Pumpkinspicedmum

He sounds like a decent guy & that you both want to fight for yor marraige now.

For every female issue i've have found the well women clinic streets ahead of GPs, presumably because it's their speciality.

I had issues fertily and declined counselling several times before doing it. Talking to a stranger seemed like such an intrusion on private matters initially that I kept putting it off. It really helped me,it stays within the room and you voice things you aren't comfortable saying elsewhere without fear of judgment.

I hope everything works out for you.

There have been many threads on here over the years with female partners saying they feel unfulfilled, unsatisfied, unloved because of their male partners lack of sex drive.

Even when it seems that his low libido may be due to a medical issue the advice that women have received on here is astoundingly clear. That if he is not prepared to do anything at all to try to solve the problem, then she should get out of the marriage. Her feelings are absolutely legitimate and he must make some effort to resolve the situation.

There are a few posters on here who seem to think that that advice only ever applies one way.

THIS! This is exactly what I mean when I said if you flip the sexes on this, the hypocrites on this thread would be cheering the woman on. And they know it!!