DH asked me to consider an open marriage

[Pumpkinspicedmum]

Me and DH have been together since we were 16 and are now 30 with a dd (4) and a ds (16mo)

Since my first pregnancy, I have been struggling with a very low libido and must admit to neglecting DH in that area. The other night DH asked if we could talk and said he wasn't happy in such a low sex marriage (we've dtd 5 times since the birth of our daughter 4 years ago) and really needs sex. He said he has been getting increasingly frustrated and snappy and feels lost in our marriage. He said that he does love me but feels that our relationship is in trouble.

I was honest and told him that it's not him but that I just have zero libido. He suggested counselling but I really don't like the idea of discussing our sex life with a stranger. If I'm honest, I got a bit defensive and went to bed in a huff which I know was wrong.

Fast forward to this evening and DH has asked me if I would consider an open marriage so that he can get his needs met, taking the pressure off of me. He said he loves me and wants our family to stay together but that a compromise needs to be made and its up to me whether we go for sex therapy or I carry on as I am and we have an open marriage.

To be honest, I dont really want to do either and feel a bit annoyed at DH for ruining the status quo which deep down I know is unreasonable and he isn't wrong for wanting sex with his own wife.

Any words of wisdom whilst I try to navigate this situation would be greatly appreciated x

@MiniHouse You missed that he suggested the open marriage thing as a last resort, because the OP said no to counselling and shut her DH down at every turn. Even the OP has admitted this.

MN wouldn't come to your defence because most posters would get that once a fortnight is way more than once a year.

I know you're making a broader point, but the frequency matters.

'I get the feeling there are some angry young virgins on this site who have no idea that relationships are about two people'

Yes or people who are sadly separated after they didn't fancy sex anymore and wondered why their dp wouldn't just accept it. Lots of projecting.

Once a fortnight isn't once a year.

If the idea that you are in the very minority is so upsetting to you that you think we're sock puppets, report this thread or posts and the mods can check. Go on. It has shades of Donald Trump 'it is rigged' all over it.

If you think people are puppets, report the posts. MNHQ will be able to tell.

If you were both 16 when you got together then having 2 stunningly beautiful girlfriends before that means fuck all.
his mates were dicks and your DH pulled them up on that. I was coming on to say is your libido low due to lack of help, but it sounds like confidence is an issue and counselling will help. I actually think your DH is trying to save the marriage sensibly. Go for the counselling option. But he’s still a dick for asking for an open marriage,
.

He is allowed to feel how he feels - you essentially want to continue without attempting to resolve the issue - he is being open and discussing it. If you want to talk about how childbirth etc changed things - embrace counselling.

You don't want to have sex with him - but he can't have sex with anyone else - how will that make him feel in the long term?

Counselling can be such a hugely transformative expirience - I think you owe it to your marriage to give it a go.

His confidence and wellbeing are being eroded, your marriage will not last this path.

Of course not. OP is having sex once a year, and even then doesn't seem to want it. Even at once a fortnight thats 26 times a year and I assume when he does have sex with you he doesn't just lie there and tell you to jump on it if you want. Not even remotely comparable.

I get the feeling there are some angry young virgins on this site who have no idea that relationships are about two people, not just one and are too selfish to think of anything but themselves and that the world revolves around them.

I agree.

Yes all this "he's married!" as if that means he should no longer have to work to secure his partner's enthusiastic consent. Ok the goalposts may have moved a bit but that's because their life has changed!! She has two kids, much less bodil autonomy, other intensely physical relationships, other priorities! Some women don't find motherhood changes them much; for others it's a total revolution and not all of us are desperate to "get back to" who we were before - it's a change which we chose and which we welcome, growing up, evolving, expanding. There's so much that's new and engrossing in being a parent, both practically and emotionally. I think it hurts and surprises a lot of us when our partner don't join us on that journey, keep the same priorities they always have. Equally I'm sure a lot of dad's wonder where the hell the woman they loved so much they chose to have kids with her went. I know my DP did. He said, when we talked, that he felt replaced. And I couldn't invalidate that because in a way he had. Before he had been my overriding concern, my deepest relationship. Then my children were.

It's a massive change, it's really hard for everyone and lots of relationships don't survive it.

I guess my view is if sex is still such a big priority for him, he should invest the effort in it - don't just expect it at the end of a long day when they fall into bed after barely having time to catch each others eye all day, when she's just finished feeding the baby down etc. Don just keep doing the moves that worked for 12 years - pregnancy and birth changes the body, hormones can make the system change - I used to like fast stimulation, now I can't bear it - he's had to basically learn a whole new way to have sex if he wants me to have any pleasure.

Basically being married doesnt set the relationship and expectations of each other in aspic. People change. Marriage is a promise to change together, to honour all the versions of your other half that emerge as they grow. And sometimes that isn't possible. But that doesn't mean the OP is broken or in the wrong just because she's changed.

Those saying it is normal for sex to dip once young children are on the scene. Yes, that does happen.

But OP and her DH have sex once a year for 4 years (twice in once of those years). That is not normal. That is beyond a dip. Assuming OP wasn’t always like that, her husband needing a solution isn’t unreasonable.

In the eyes of the Church, sex was only supposed to be an means to an end - produce offspring.

@Soontobe60 You've obviously never read the Song of Solomon.

From what OP has said this is th first time he's mentioned it. To go from nothing to wanting an open relationship in two days is a bit 0-60 isn't it? As the one with the issue couldn't he have spoken up earlier?

I have only read your posts @Pumpkinspicedmum not everyone else's so apologies if I'm repeating anything.

I really think once you've seen the GP you should also consider solo counselling. It's not normal to dwell on your husband's previous girlfriends and how they looked - especially since you've been together since you were 16. You're literally comparing yourself to children.

I totally understand the body self-consciousness, but in this case it's really concerning that it's taking up head space.

But he has approached it before? He’s suggested counselling but OP refused to entertain it. It’s not as if he came up with the suggestion without first trying to resolve it with his wife.

He suggested counselling the day before he suggested shagging other people. It's not exactly a sustained campaign is it?

As I said earlier, the problem is that once the normal becomes 4 times in 4 years there is often no improvement. I'm not saying that anyone should have sex if they really don't want to, but the 20s/30s are absolutely the time when it's perfectly normal to want lot of sex. Reducing it to an annual occasion isn't healthy, also people who are not having sex with their long term partner are often not kissing /cuddling them either, because any physical touch seems to be the request for sex. They are then in a downward spiral and it is often difficult to get out of that. Most people want affection as well as sex and both are being forfeited.

I missed that. I thought counselling had been raised before.

Perhaps he hasn’t gone about it the right way, but his feelings are still very valid. Men can feel rejected and unloved, especially when there is no sex and intimacy in a marriage. It doesn’t make him the bad guy.

And Op feeling the way she does doesn’t make her the bad woman either. They have a problem and it needs sorting, but it’s not a LTB situation.

Very true, any kind of chemical contraceptive killed mine off stone dead too.

If his sex drive had dwindled due to some equivalent reason ..... Would she be treating him respectfully to suggest she shags other men while he's at home with their two kids?

Wtf has happened to MN in this thread.

It's like a parallel universe.

@MaybeIWillFuckOffThen

I guess my view is if sex is still such a big priority for him, he should invest the effort in it - don't just expect it at the end of a long day when they fall into bed after barely having time to catch each others eye all day, when she's just finished feeding the baby down etc. Don just keep doing the moves that worked for 12 years - pregnancy and birth changes the body, hormones can make the system change - I used to like fast stimulation, now I can't bear it - he's had to basically learn a whole new way to have sex if he wants me to have any pleasure
This is a good point. But then on the flip side - how does a husband do this if his wife won't let him near her? Good men will leave their wives alone when they say no - but when they broach the subject to cautiously find a middle ground, it's still their fault because they should be able to intuit what's going on in her head?

To be clear, I'm a woman who's libido also dropped staggeringly after births, and whose wants and likes also changed. But if we're saying that men shouldn't just expect their wives to want to have sex or whatever, maybe women should also not expect that their husbands are mind readers and know how to sort it?

Communication is key here, and while it has upset OP, I'm sure his intentions were just to provide some of the ways he has thought might work for them. It's not uncommon to do that surely?

His needs are not being met and OP (then) showed no willingness to work on their relationship or seek counselling, so he asked her. It works for some people. Yes he is treating her respectfully by being faithful, but wanting to do everything to save their marriage. That, is respectful.

He suggested counselling the day before he suggested shagging other people.

Yeah, rather quick to jump to him shagging other women while she looks after their young kids .... The probable cause of her low sex drive .... Alone at home.

The posts on this thread are disgusting, disturbing actually.