DH asked me to consider an open marriage

[Pumpkinspicedmum]

Me and DH have been together since we were 16 and are now 30 with a dd (4) and a ds (16mo)

Since my first pregnancy, I have been struggling with a very low libido and must admit to neglecting DH in that area. The other night DH asked if we could talk and said he wasn't happy in such a low sex marriage (we've dtd 5 times since the birth of our daughter 4 years ago) and really needs sex. He said he has been getting increasingly frustrated and snappy and feels lost in our marriage. He said that he does love me but feels that our relationship is in trouble.

I was honest and told him that it's not him but that I just have zero libido. He suggested counselling but I really don't like the idea of discussing our sex life with a stranger. If I'm honest, I got a bit defensive and went to bed in a huff which I know was wrong.

Fast forward to this evening and DH has asked me if I would consider an open marriage so that he can get his needs met, taking the pressure off of me. He said he loves me and wants our family to stay together but that a compromise needs to be made and its up to me whether we go for sex therapy or I carry on as I am and we have an open marriage.

To be honest, I dont really want to do either and feel a bit annoyed at DH for ruining the status quo which deep down I know is unreasonable and he isn't wrong for wanting sex with his own wife.

Any words of wisdom whilst I try to navigate this situation would be greatly appreciated x

Nothing to add just hope it works out for you. Oh and the pill also killed my sex drive stone dead. Was in my early twenties couldn’t see what all the fuss was about. Thank god I came off it and realised. Never messing about with hormonal contraceptive again thanks.

But they aren't if the OP is only having sex to stop her husband leaving/cheating. Where is the connection there?? And this seems to be what people are advocating.

And this is the issue, it is a mismatch and there needs to be compromise. But everyone has been incredibly hard on the OP, there is a real 'lie back and think of England' tone to some posters and zero empathy which i think is horrible. As well as the emotional blackmail of people harping on 'denying him connection, denying him intimacy', as if there aren't a million ways for a couple to achieve those without sex

Absolutely this. I do think the OP has been put through the mill and there are a lot of posts incredibly unfair to her and also with a very worrying pre-1990s tone of marital entitlement.

And in all that time you haven't realised your h was a selfish, immoral twat.

Sex lives go through peaks and troughs in long term relationships esp.with kids ..... They have two v young kids.

People who can't acknowledge that and just masturbate for a while are unrealistic, selfish, disloyal, assholes.

Your partner is not your fuck robot.

there is a real 'lie back and think of England'

Then you are completely and totally misreading our posts. We are saying she needs to either seek therapy, or leave him. No where has anyone, ANY poster, suggested what you are suggesting.

as if there aren't a million ways for a couple to achieve those without sex.

But....he......wants......sex. And SEX, is a normal part of the relationship, in addition to the other ways of connection. You're not getting it. He wants sex! And you shouldn't be saying he should sacrifice his wants and needs and settle for a rub down. When that's not what he wants. He wants sex.

It's eye opening how many women are having joyless pragmatic sex.

Then if she needs to leave him and let him be free to be with someone else if she can't give him what he needs. It's that simple.

But you are talking generically. And you were talking about Stollen's suggestion re massage etc as if it was a terrible idea for ANYONE. Because you seem to have a very hard time accepting that not everyone places the same do or die value on sex above all else, even when your partner isn't into it, as you do.

And SEX, is a normal part of the relationship,

And dips in sex lives during baby and young child years are also NORMAL.

Why does his normal trump hers ..... She's carried and delivered and looks after two of his fkg kids.

And her reward is "you better fuck him or his he'll fuck his hot workmates, and it'll be your fault"

This thread is like a work hole into the 50s ... Or earlier.

Wrong. That's not what anyone is saying. They're saying it's incredibly selfish to want to keep a marriage that one of you is not happy in, and you won't do a single thing about it, just expect him to suck it up.

I get what you are saying here. But I would also say, that I think people sometimes say that they want intimacy and connection, because they feel a bit sordid admitting that they just really need a shag, lol.

*wormhole

Absolutely. And obviously a lot of women here would just play the pick me dance. Win back your man, straight out of the 1950s.

'It's eye opening how many women are having joyless pragmatic sex.'

Ditto men. Women are responsible for their own enjoyment and if they don't want to have a physical relationship because it is 'joyless' then they should do something about it.

A four year dip isn't normal, it's potentially terminal. The OP herself has said she knows it's an issue.

OP, do you have any other physical symptoms that seem unusual? Are you very tired - more tired than you'd expect with small children? Do you ever have aches and pains, or a lot of hair loss? Do you have feelings of depression or general lack of motivation to do stuff? All these things point to potential hormone imbalances. As others have mentioned I'd recommend a thyroid test, if your GP refuses you can order one online and do it privately if you can afford it.

I truly believe a lot of women have never had a really, truly mind blowing experience. I'm not saying it has to be like that all the time but I really think a lot of women have never had an experience that shows them just how good it can be and still think of it as a chore.

It's not what I've been suggesting and I agree that forcing yourself to have sex you don't want is grim. No one should do that.

However the status quo of barely any sex in half a decade is also a problem. It's something that needs to be solved, not something that's tenable indefinitely. Acknowledging this doesn't mean putting yourself through sex you don't want.

And from the OP's latest updates, this is exactly what she's doing. Acknowledging that it's an issue, that her husband isn't disgusting for wanting sex, and taking steps that will hopefully be a path back to a sex life that they both want. I wish her all the best.

Sex 4 times in 5 years, from the age of 25-30, is not just a 'normal dip'.

Yes, long term relationships do go through peaks and troughs but 4 years and counting isn't a trough, its a canyon. At only 30 years old thats a huge proportion of their relationship and their young adult lives. He was being very reasonable bringing it up and wanting to try counselling.

He isn't treating her like a sex robot, he's treating her respectfully as his wife and partner articulating what he needs, and wanting to talk through how they can work on it together. OP freely admitted her initial response was storming off in a huff.

'Win back your man, straight out of the 1950s'

Are you single @MavisChunch29? Why don't you understand both parties can and do enjoy sex! Why the pearl clutching?

For one partner to constantly rejects the other is crap. People need to admit is it because they cba, they are complacent, don't fancy their dp or what.

I'm surprised everyone is so understanding about your husbands point of view. Let me turn this on its head. I'd ideally have sex every day. My husband would be more like once a fortnight with me having to make the move. People have different libidos and stress etc impacts it. People prioritise different things.

If I said to my husband for this reason I'm considering an open relationship do you think Mumsnet would jump to my defence? Of course not. In fact I'm sure there are people reading this thinking, gosh she must be ugly 🤣

I understand your husband's point of view, after all it's a bit like mine. However if your married it's something to be addressed together. Look at whether you're getting enough sleep, is he helping you have time by helping with housework, do you feel attractive or what would help - a babysitter looking after kids and a night in a hotel? Think about these things but as I chose to marry my husband knowing he has a much lower libido, your husband chose you and you should find a way forward and a compromised so with us, he has more sex than he wants, I have less.

I get the feeling there are some angry young virgins on this site who have no idea that relationships are about two people, not just one and are too selfish to think of anything but themselves and that the world revolves around them.

I’d ideally have sex every day. My husband would be more like once a fortnight with me having to make the move. People have different libidos and stress etc impacts it. People prioritise different things.

This is not remotely comparable to the situation of OP and her husband.