DH asked me to consider an open marriage

[Pumpkinspicedmum]

Me and DH have been together since we were 16 and are now 30 with a dd (4) and a ds (16mo)

Since my first pregnancy, I have been struggling with a very low libido and must admit to neglecting DH in that area. The other night DH asked if we could talk and said he wasn't happy in such a low sex marriage (we've dtd 5 times since the birth of our daughter 4 years ago) and really needs sex. He said he has been getting increasingly frustrated and snappy and feels lost in our marriage. He said that he does love me but feels that our relationship is in trouble.

I was honest and told him that it's not him but that I just have zero libido. He suggested counselling but I really don't like the idea of discussing our sex life with a stranger. If I'm honest, I got a bit defensive and went to bed in a huff which I know was wrong.

Fast forward to this evening and DH has asked me if I would consider an open marriage so that he can get his needs met, taking the pressure off of me. He said he loves me and wants our family to stay together but that a compromise needs to be made and its up to me whether we go for sex therapy or I carry on as I am and we have an open marriage.

To be honest, I dont really want to do either and feel a bit annoyed at DH for ruining the status quo which deep down I know is unreasonable and he isn't wrong for wanting sex with his own wife.

Any words of wisdom whilst I try to navigate this situation would be greatly appreciated x

Those "exes" were school children, which I doubt he even had sex with, given that they were all children at the time. There is absolutely no comparing a long marriage to a fumble behind the bike shed at age 14. This is a smokescreen.

Don't forget to see the GP. It's worth checking your hormones, thyroid and medication because the can affect libido.

Orgasms ARE a loving, affectionate connection. I mean, they don't have to be, but in an actual relationship they're fundamentally linked.

Really hate the contemptuous language a lot of posters use about sex - "getting his end away", "just thinking about his dick" etc. Deliberately minimising the importance of sex, turning it into something gross and disposable and shameful. I wonder if those posters would be happy shaming a woman who had sexual desires, I suspect they would.

I could’ve written this post a few months ago and totally get your feelings here. You already know you’re being selfish.

The thing I didn’t really truly realised myself was how for my husband sex is a way to be close to me, and that I was depriving him of physical affection in that sense. He felt rejected and unwanted. And although that wasn’t my intention, I had to accept that it was the case.

Our Sex life dwindled after my second c section, struggling to recover from it and the gain weight from it. I felt horrible about myself and would shoot him down because of it. What ultimately resolved it for us was being separated for a month, we visited our respective parents who live abroad in different countries. I had also lost some weight in the meantime and felt a little less horrible about myself so didn’t shoot him down when we reunited and kind of just kept it up from there.

I do hope it gets better for you though. From what I’ve seen, open marriages seldom work out in the long run, so maybe try to have an open dialogue and assess what’s causing the low libido in you and possibly what can be done to remedy it, and take it from there. Good luck!

Op I think you are burying your head in the sand

your husband is ripe for the taking and the fact you are thinking he can hang on another year is dumbfounding

the writing is on the wall - not if but when

That all sounds positive OP. I hope this time next year you find yourself in a much better place.

*Orgasms ARE a loving, affectionate connection. I mean, they don't have to be, but in an actual relationship they're fundamentally linked.

Really hate the contemptuous language a lot of posters use about sex - "getting his end away", "just thinking about his dick" etc. Deliberately minimising the importance of sex, turning it into something gross and disposable and shameful. I wonder if those posters would be happy shaming a woman who had sexual desires, I suspect they would.*

Well said to both paragraphs. The minimisation and the language used to describe a normal sexual human being, is pitiful. And from a woman's site, no less.

But let's not play that the DH just really misses being "close to/intimate with" OP. He wants to get his end away.

He can do that himself and probably does. It's not as if he has much choice. But sex is more than having a J Arthur while surfing Pornhub. It is a physical connection with another human being, in the most intimate way. It's touch and feel, caress and explore. He's not 14 staring at the girls on the trampoline anymore. He's married FFS.

Totally agree Maybe
If OPs husband is declaring a problem then they need to address it.
Her kids are young and need her energy and focus, her husband is a grown man and needs to understand that lasts longer than he might have expected..
He’s not the bad guy though, neither is she. It’s just that nobody discusses this lack of sex life much as a consequence of having kids. wish they addressed it in antenatal classes.
Effort from her and understanding from him is my simplistic solution.

Yes, quite, but there's nothing wrong with wanting to get your end away. If you have a high sex drive, you really don't have much control over your sexual desires and urges, they are just there, whether you like it or not. In the same way that a low libido sufferer might not be able to create any desire, the opposite is true of a high libido person, there is simply no off switch. I have been at both ends of the spectrum, so really do appreciate both sides. I am currently at very high libido, with a DH that is less so. It's very, very hard at times to exist happily on one shag in a timeframe of days/weeks when you would have easily managed 20.

I opened this thread expecting to be on op's side and am instead firmly on the DH's!

I hate cheating but...four times in five years! He's a bloody saint!

If you don't want him op, be honest with yourself (and him). It's not fair to either of you but it sounds like you have things just the way you want them at the moment but he doesn't.

Do you really want to be with him? Or do you just not want to be on your own, or for him to be with someone else.

I can personally attest that it is completely soul destroying to forced into a sexless relationship. And it would be wrong for you to force yourself to have sex with him (I would be repulsed at someone faking that they wanted me, that would hurt worse than no sex at all!).

OP, if you've been together since you were 16, his stunning previous girlfriends must have been about 15 or 16 at the time themselves, and that was almost 15 years ago.

Why is this still bothering you?

Indeed. And imagine sharing all that profound bodily intimacy with someone while your body is screaming NO. Imagine knowing that despite everything you feel you HAVE to or you will lose your marriage, your children will lose their family and their home.

I've never said it's an easy situation for him. But those making out he's some kind of saint and she's a frigid cow having it all their own way clearly have no idea.

Yes I mean 'he wants to get his end away ' what a silly thing to say. He wants a sexual relationship with his wife, it really isn't anything to be so disgusted about.

Good luck with counselling op, in the meantime at least sleep in the same bed before the massive gulf between you widen even further.

Was sex enjoyable in previous relationships?

Apparently you are in the minority, @Guiltycat . The general consensus is that OP is being incredibly selfish to expect to only have sex when she wants to do so.

The thing I didn’t really truly realised myself was how for my husband sex is a way to be close to me

It's often that way for men. Often, women don't want sex until they've built the connection, but for men, sex is how they build the connection. Not always, of course, but very often.

They've been a couple since they were 16, I don't imagine there was a great deal of sex in previous relationships.

@Pumpkinspicedmum Glad you're talking to your DH and agreed to therapy. Honestly he sounds like a decent man. Tbh, the thread title is a bit misleading. He doesn't want an open marriage, he only suggested it as a last resort after you shut everything else down. He's deperately trying to find a way to continue this marriage. He isn't looking for an affair with permission.

To those saying about young kids, their youngest is 4. He has waited 4 years to bring this up. 5 times in 4 years is tiny and OP admits herself to not being an enthusiastic or active participant in at least the last one. That must feel so rejecting for him. He's only 30 so he's been basically celibate from 26.

OP should absolutely not feel pressured into sex she doesn't want, but her DH is entitled to not want to be in a sexless marriage, I couldn't do it. Try therapy, go to the GP and check your hormones. Check your birth control if you're on any.

Look at why your libido is low. Sounds like self confidence is an issue (though from the sound of it your DH is lovely and thinks you're beautiful). What would make you feel better? Would going to the gym help? Him doing a larger share of childcare before bed for example so you have time and space to get out of 'mum mode' and into 'sexy independent woman mode'? Have you been on any dates just the two of you? It's also fine to ask him to try things like this to see if they help.

Think about when you have wanted sex in the past 4 years. What situation were you in? Any common features? Try not to let sleeping apart create more distance. Focus on little gestures of love rather than sex for now. Do you cuddle/kiss/say I love you when one of you goes out or before bed?

I wish you luck OP.

Your experience sounds horrible. Have a partner pumping away with no connection will make someone feel like a sex worker and I'm sorry you experienced that

Exactly. What I took from that was that DH had made zero attempt at foreplay or flirting then expected a bone tired woman 16 months post partum to just get on with it. Which is not really fair or great for either party.

Tbh I don't know how any parents have sex at bedtime. Even when I was younger I preferred spontaneous daytime sex (almost impossible after you have kids) and at bedtime just wanted to sleep.

Which is why I guess so many fall back on the date night idea. Maybe just have date nights without the pressure/expectations of sex first, just spend time together and have a laugh.

When DDs were little, DH and I were able to laugh about how crap we both were at making the effort to have sex, which diffused any tension or blame about it. We were lucky to be able to get some weekends away without the kids, and this was absolutely critical for our mental health and headspace, as well as the relationship.

He is very good looking and works with a lot of attractive females in an office so has plenty of scope for an affair but he's been completely faithful to me, which is good

Oh dear. This is how my first husband's affairs began. I was also your age, with small children at home. I cannot stress enough, how important it is to move back to your bedroom and reconnect with your DH.

And this is the issue, it is a mismatch and there needs to be compromise. But everyone has been incredibly hard on the OP, there is a real 'lie back and think of England' tone to some posters and zero empathy which i think is horrible. As well as the emotional blackmail of people harping on 'denying him connection, denying him intimacy', as if there aren't a million ways for a couple to achieve those without sex.

Because she's refusing to try anything else.

It'a hardly jumping straight to it, when he's been denied sex for 4 years, the wife refuses to talk about it, strops off to a different room and refuses counselling.

At least now she's agreeing to talk to him so let's hope that gets them both somewhere. She cannot expect to ignore another persons need and maintain the (selfish) status quo, which quite frankly must be soul destroying for him!

And I would say the same if the roles we reversed - man/woman who is in which role doesn't matter.

It's hard, no one is being selfish IMO. You have divergent needs and there isn't really an outcome where you both get what you want right now.

It's fair to not have sex unless you want to.

It's fair to want more than a sexless relationship.

Personally I would at least give counselling a go, if for no other reason than to show him you cared enough to do it. Not having unwanted sex isn't selfish but ignoring his needs and not engaging with counselling is. Refusing counselling is basically permitting the relationship to founder.

'Apparently you are in the minority, @Guiltycat . The general consensus is that OP is being incredibly selfish to expect to only have sex when she wants to do so.'

5 times in 4yrs. He is not unreasonable or some kind of grubby perv to want a healthy, normal, intimate relationship with his dp you know!

'They've been a couple since they were 16, I don't imagine there was a great deal of sex in previous relationships.'

Oh sorry I missed the together since 16 bit.

You're missing the point. The OP refused to have counselling, do anything or even try. That, is why she has had hard comments. If she wrote her OP saying she was willing to try counselling, she wouldn't have had the comments. It's not that the libidos are mismatched, it's that she (at first) was completely unwilling to try and shut the DH down. That, is why people are siding harder with the DH, who is trying everything.