DH asked me to consider an open marriage

[Pumpkinspicedmum]

Me and DH have been together since we were 16 and are now 30 with a dd (4) and a ds (16mo)

Since my first pregnancy, I have been struggling with a very low libido and must admit to neglecting DH in that area. The other night DH asked if we could talk and said he wasn't happy in such a low sex marriage (we've dtd 5 times since the birth of our daughter 4 years ago) and really needs sex. He said he has been getting increasingly frustrated and snappy and feels lost in our marriage. He said that he does love me but feels that our relationship is in trouble.

I was honest and told him that it's not him but that I just have zero libido. He suggested counselling but I really don't like the idea of discussing our sex life with a stranger. If I'm honest, I got a bit defensive and went to bed in a huff which I know was wrong.

Fast forward to this evening and DH has asked me if I would consider an open marriage so that he can get his needs met, taking the pressure off of me. He said he loves me and wants our family to stay together but that a compromise needs to be made and its up to me whether we go for sex therapy or I carry on as I am and we have an open marriage.

To be honest, I dont really want to do either and feel a bit annoyed at DH for ruining the status quo which deep down I know is unreasonable and he isn't wrong for wanting sex with his own wife.

Any words of wisdom whilst I try to navigate this situation would be greatly appreciated x

You can shoot the messenger all you like, I am simply saying it as it is.

Yes, he has told her he is not happy. He is allowed to do that. He is allowed not to, at age 30, live in a sexless marriage if he chooses not to. If they OP doesn't want sex, she has the option of ending her marriage. But she can't have her cake and eat it too.

That's not my view at all if you read my first post. My view is that its a compromise and the OP has to decide what's more important to her, listening to her own body or saving her relationship.
That the choice I've made. And while having sex I'm not particularly keen to is not as bad for me as having no sex would be for my partner, I am not so blind as to assume that would b the case fo all women or men in our position. And that's what it amounts to - until the OP's libido returns, at the biologically appropriate moment, she will have to find ways to force herself to it, and to make that easier and more enjoyable for her, in order to keep her marriage. Dress it up however you like, that's what having sex when you don't have the urge to is.

You can't "counsel" low libido away, as others have said it's totally normal and biologically explicable that mothers of young children (especially breastfeeding mothers) experience hormonal changes that lower libido. It is an evolutionary response intended to avoid the mother committing to another pregnancy when she's still heavily invested in caring for young children. No it doesn't happen to all women (probably partly due to widespread formula use and early weaning) but it happens to a lot of us. It's biological. It's normal.

And no it doesn't happen to our male partners to the same degree, so it causes a mismatch. Some men (including the OP's DH actually) are able to tolerate this for a while; other men not at all. It varies. I remember talking with some mum friends about the difficulty I was having with my partner due to my low libido when our babies were all about one - 3 out of 5 of them still hadn't had sex since giving birth. There was just literally no way my relationship would have survived that. So I found a way to split the difference between mine and my partner's needs, largely for the sake of our children.

I never said he should suck it up. I acknowledged that the situation is tough for the OP too, for balance, as I felt the discussion was very heavily "poor DH" with little to no acknowledgment of her struggles.

Agree wirh a pp, I can't see counselling being of any benefit whatsoever.

You need to be honest with yourself, do you fancy him, is sex good when you ever do it, do you masturbate? If yes to these then it's workable if no then I would say all the counselling in the world won't fix it. Was sex an important part of past relationships? If you try to rediscover your sexual side then you will find the more good sex you have the more you will want.

Intimacy is as important as security, respect, love. You just can't force a sexless relationship on someone, if you do they of course may start to look elsewhere.

'Not, my wife has had two of my kids recently and doesn't want to fuck as often as I do'

Approx 5 times in 4 yrs?! I don't think he's being unreasonable tbh.

Secondly .... Quite hard nosed and ruthless and cold to suggest an open marriage
Like he can use other people to fulfil his sexual needs ..... How many women dies he think are hanging around wanting to have sex with a married man and father of young kids, with his wife at home knowing (roughly) about it and probably accepting it only be dfse she feels she has to. Horrible for both women. He's pretty selfish and again unrealistic

Websites like Illicit Encounters and the like, have thousands of female members looking to cheat on their spouses, for a multitude of reasons. I know for a fact that he could start chatting to another woman within an hour of signing up.

To clarify I don't think counselling will be of no use - it may help OP reframe her problem, find a way to approach sex that doesn't make her feel used and resentful, give her a space to talk about her feelings around her loss of libido an anything else she doesn't get space for in what is no doubt a busy, high pressure life. I just don't think it is going to magically make her want to fuck.

To the people saying that counselling will be of no use, perhaps they should read the thread, especially the part where the OP compares herself to her husbands exes and doesn't feel as attractive or good enough for him and that she feels he has chosen her as second best despite him himself never saying that.

If that doesn't scream of self esteem issues, I don't know what would. Counselling can help with that.

Your experience sounds horrible. Have a partner pumping away with no connection will make someone feel like a sex worker and I'm sorry you experienced that.

I guess I've seen it from the other side too. The few times my husband has agreed to sex in the last two years, he's literally stared over my head at the wall s

Sorry not sure what happened there. Anyway my DH's desperate to get the act over with. I'm guessing the OP's DH is desperate for a connection too.

Personally I feel counselling together is the way forward to try and find that connection again. Well done for considering it OP

Sex aside, is there any intimacy in your relationship? Do you ever cuddle on the sofa, kiss, talk about feelings in general?

Another thing that might help is the notion of redefining sex (maybe that's in the book actually!) This is something my own DH has found really valuable. I have a lower libido than him anyway and we've really had to rediscover sex together since having the kids. Part of what is really important to him about sex is actually just the physical closeness, so he can give me a full body massage and get that same closeness without any sexual activity whatsoever - though naturally it does often lead there, but never with any pressure from him

Jeezo. I can't think of anything worse than being really sexually frustrated, getting your partner naked, giving them a massage, and then ........ being expected to just roll over and go to sleep (in your own words "without any sexual activity whatsoever"). I guess at least you got a lovely massage out of it though, so it's a win-win for you. Honestly, I'd just leave at this point - it seems so utterly utterly cruel to treat anyone this way, least of all your husband. I doubt he has found any of this really "valuable", unless it's one of the massages that actually leads to sex.

Sorry I was talking about the OP not me in her "roll over and get it over with" incident. My DP is actually very invested in my enjoying myself, which is frankly a bit of a problem as sometimes I'm just not in the mood and can't get in the mood and I'm not willing to fake pleasure - worried I'll completely lose touch with my sexual self if I do that. We have had to talk it through and he will now accept things being a bit one-sided if we've initiated and had a go but I'm not "taking off" as it were. We'd both prefer that to the deterioration our relationship would suffer if we only ever did it when I was in the mood!!

I'm sorry to hear about your issues with your husband. From his perspective, sometimes I have to dissociate a bit to enable me to do it - it's not personal against my partner, it's just going through the sexual motions when your body isn't responding with arousal is such a weird sensation I have to slightly "leave my body" mentally - he may have been doing the same thing. It's horrible for you. But it may very well be horrible for him too. You should both feel free to tap out when it really just isn't happening.

I can't think of anything worse than being really sexually frustrated, getting your partner naked, giving them a massage, and then ........ being expected to just roll over and go to sleep (in your own words "without any sexual activity whatsoever"

Yep, just gives the frustrated guy even bigger blue balls (or the female equivalent for a woman). Getting your horny partner naked and giving them a massage without any release for them is cruel and torture. That would make things worse. Why do it? Whats the point, other than torture? Seriously you'd have to be a sado masachist (or however you spell it).

Well I think these posts give the lie to all this "it's about the conneeeeection, it's about the affeeeeeection" posters who want to imply that by withdrawing sex the OP is withdrawing love. It's about orgasm, realistically. Which sounds far less noble and worthy but is actually what's missing in a sexless marriage. And is a perfectly reasonable thing to want, just as it's a perfectly reasonable thing to not want. But let's not play that the DH just really misses being "close to/intimate with" OP. He wants to get his end away.

To those who think the DH is an arsehole for daring to make suggestions about how to resolve the lack of intimacy:

What would, your opinion, be the right thing for him to do?
Genuine question because I truly don't understand.

I mean, are you suggesting that having sex 5 times in 4 years is something he should suck up without complaint just because he is a SELFISH MAN? Is he not allowed to express dissatisfaction within his marriage? Even if in all areas he has proved to be a decent, loving and supportive husband?

He has respectfully given the OP plenty of time/space (four years)
He suggested counselling
He explained that the lack of intimacy does not work for him (and it wouldn't for most people)
He suggested an open marriage only as a last resort, and in response to a brick wall to counselling. (I know we've moved on from that point now).

So again, what would the 'correct' response this situation be? Or isn't there one - because he is a man and you just don't like any of 'em?

OP well done for getting to where you are now. I wish you luck.

@TortugaRumCakeQueen @JennyNotFromTheBlock It was my husband's idea! He loves giving me massages. I never ask for them, he always offers. He's always happy and relaxed afterwards whether it leads to sex or not. And we don't just 'roll over and go to sleep' ever at night... we cuddle and chat to sleep. Not so bizarre I would've thought.
The point that you obviously missed in my post was that a big part of sex for my DH at least (no idea if it would be the same for the OP's DH, but worth considering) is the physical full body closeness. Which can be achieved without actual sex.

We are in our 50's, and everyone I know is still having sex.

No sorry @StollenAway , you and your DH are doing intimacy WRONG. Marriage is a SEXUAL RELATIONSHIP, dontchaknow 😉

Orgasm is part of the union and connection, or did you not realise that?

Not for @StollenAway and her DH, necessarily. But apparently that's beyond your comprehension.

Also I don't see OP having many orgasms if she's only having sex to please her husband, do you?

Before kids we both used to instigate sex, him slightly more I guess but not a drastic difference.

To be fair to DH, he's not pestering me, this is the first time he's brought it up. He obviously uses porn so I naively assumed he would be content to carry on like this til my libido returned but he is struggling.

He is very good looking and works with a lot of attractive females in an office so has plenty of scope for an affair but he's been completely faithful to me, which is good.

I am trying to put my feelings about couples counselling to one side as I do want to save our marriage, but I am not 100% keen on the idea. DH knows this.

The reason I want separate bedrooms at the moment is because I have a lot to process and I need my space to be able to do so, this has always been my way of dealing with things.

DH also didnt give me an ultimatum about the open marriage. He asked if I would consider it as an option because the marriage isn't working for him as it is.

Our plan of action so far is

1. To start couples counselling in Jan
2. If we make progress with this, move on to sex therapy.

If after a year, our sex life is still non existent, we have agreed to revisit the idea of an open marriage/sex outside the marriage.

Thank you for all help and opinions - I am finding it all food for thought and am grateful for the responses, positive and negative x

This is great. At least you're communicating and committed to trying to improve things. Good luck with the therapy.

Well it is for the OP's DH, and that's who this thread is about, so clearly that escaped your comprehension....

Also I don't see OP having many orgasms if she's only having sex to please her husband, do you?

Then she should either end the marriage or seek sexual therapy/counselling. It's not that hard.