DH asked me to consider an open marriage

[Pumpkinspicedmum]

Me and DH have been together since we were 16 and are now 30 with a dd (4) and a ds (16mo)

Since my first pregnancy, I have been struggling with a very low libido and must admit to neglecting DH in that area. The other night DH asked if we could talk and said he wasn't happy in such a low sex marriage (we've dtd 5 times since the birth of our daughter 4 years ago) and really needs sex. He said he has been getting increasingly frustrated and snappy and feels lost in our marriage. He said that he does love me but feels that our relationship is in trouble.

I was honest and told him that it's not him but that I just have zero libido. He suggested counselling but I really don't like the idea of discussing our sex life with a stranger. If I'm honest, I got a bit defensive and went to bed in a huff which I know was wrong.

Fast forward to this evening and DH has asked me if I would consider an open marriage so that he can get his needs met, taking the pressure off of me. He said he loves me and wants our family to stay together but that a compromise needs to be made and its up to me whether we go for sex therapy or I carry on as I am and we have an open marriage.

To be honest, I dont really want to do either and feel a bit annoyed at DH for ruining the status quo which deep down I know is unreasonable and he isn't wrong for wanting sex with his own wife.

Any words of wisdom whilst I try to navigate this situation would be greatly appreciated x

What I said is basic common sense. If men don't get it, they'll cheat. That's not bollocks, it happens.

There are men and women who live with years of low or no sex life for various reasons and don't cheat of leave

If they're happy to live like that. Many men (and women) are NOT happy to live like that, the OP's DH sure is not. Of course an open relationship would be a mess, but the OP wouldn't even consider counselling and he suggested that as a last resort.

Hormone contraceptives and breastfeeding both killed my libido - I also had strange touched out phase with three young kids and bf.

I don't think I was as bad as you but DH probably handled it better - more touching and kissing with no expectation of more and listened when I was too exhausted at end of day and switched to mornings -very hard in week due at time to work and him having to leave early which left weekends - it lacked spontaneous but worked. Exhaustion and stress won't help libido generally.

I would look at contraceptives you are on - and hormones more generally and vitamins etc - though I've never been lucky with my GP so you might have to look at private blood tests.

I can see why your DH had to talk to you but can also see his talk added pressure and errored further trust - given you rolled over and said get on with it I wonder if you feel pestered for sex which is probably further killing desire in you. So maybe counselling will help - as I really think this possibly isnt just you problem.

He is trying everything to keep their marriage going. That is rare for men. Lets be real here, if the OP had agreed to counselling, he wouldn't have suggested an open marriage in the first place. He himself has said he doesn't even really want to do it.

Good ol mumsnet. Of course the DH somehow ends up being the bad guy in this scenario.

What I said is basic common sense. If men don't get it, they'll cheat.

To repeat what I said already ..... Not the case at all for all men.

Stop generalising about the worst or men/people.

There are peaks and ebbs in couples relationships and sex lives ..... Some people do not cheat during the ebbs.

If you think every man does, I feel sorry for you re your experiences and acquaintances. You obviously know a lot of scum bags.

We opened our marriage a year ago with the condition I could only date a woman

What ??

Hi OP, I'm sorry I haven't RTFT, only your posts, so this might have already been mentioned, but the book Come As You Are would be a good read for your DH (and maybe for you also). It might help him to understand why you are where you are and how you need to work together - not with ultimatums or threats - to restore the sex life that works for both of you. And by the way that might never look like the sex life you had before kids.

Another thing that might help is the notion of redefining sex (maybe that's in the book actually!) This is something my own DH has found really valuable. I have a lower libido than him anyway and we've really had to rediscover sex together since having the kids. Part of what is really important to him about sex is actually just the physical closeness, so he can give me a full body massage and get that same closeness without any sexual activity whatsoever - though naturally it does often lead there, but never with any pressure from him.

This situation requires a lot of understanding and acceptance from both of you, not just you, not just him. OP, you are not damaged or flawed in any way. 16 months is still very, very young. I wish you lots of luck with resolving things.

I'm talking about him, not her. It's his life too and marriage has to work for both of them. Sex isn't just part of marriage it's part of living, unless you're a monk. Open marriages don't work long-term, that's just sticking plaster, he'll leave in the end.

So if he doesn't want to do it why did he suggest it? Could it be to force the point with his wife? Manipulation, in other words?

I think it says a lot for your marriage already that he was able to have such an open discussion with you. I would let him have an open marriage and see if it helps. Counselling can take months and it might help in the interim

I would 100% try therapy, see how it goes.
I think you owe it to yourself - low libido could be a consequence of depression, anxiety, stress or something else you’re not aware of..
It’s also important (crucial) to your relationship that you try to work on it. Maybe it will take a long time, but if you’re seeking help the intention to fix it is there and that’s a huge step.

Your husband sounds able to communicate his needs clearly, which are reasonable.

Open marriage won’t work if both of you aren’t up for it, it’s not something I’d rush into.

Because sex is important to him! That's why, as it is to most people, those of us that NEED that connection. OP wouldn't accept counselling so he had little choice.

You have a 4 yr old and a 16 month yr old. In those circumstances it's not uncommon to have low libido

Except 5 times in 4 years is not even a low libido, it’s non existent, and that really isn’t normal. That’s essentially sex once a year, and her DH isn’t at all unreasonable for wanting to change that. He hasn’t cheated or gone behind her back. He’s tried for quite some time and clearly open marriage was a last resort for him.

You are the mother of his children. You have taken one hell of a health risk, twice, and are now mothering children, one of whom is under 2 still, and the only thing he can think about is his dick?? How very typically male

He's had sex 4 times in 5 years. You'd have to be dead below the waist to be happy with that!

Sex isn't just part of marriage it's part of living, unless you're a monk.

True.

I'm not saying he's a bad guy, I'm just saying he's not the saint he's been painted here. He's justifiably frustrated, he's lost something that used to be a big part of his life. so has the OP. with the added pressure of feeling "to blame".

It's hard for both parties. But it very much seems that the prevailing view here is that the OP has to just suck it up, and is being cruel to her sainted husband rather than suffering something herself.

the prevailing view here is that the OP has to just suck it up

No the prevailing view is that the OP at least needs to try counselling. To try something.

The view from those like like yourself seems to be the DH just has to suck it up, accept nothing will change, and at thirty, yes, 30, accept sex 4 times in 5 years. You're the one basically telling him to suck it up.

When you have small children it’s exhausting but he is right. You can’t spend forever living like friends. I would try personal counselling for yourself first. Also are you on any contraceptives that may have affected your libido. He has spoken to you which is the right thing to do. But you both need to be happy.

He had the choice to reopen that discussion with her, maybe come at it in a different way so she didn't feel attacked. The fact he went from an abortive discussion about counselling on night one to proposing an open marriage on night two doesn't suggest someone who's "doing everything" to save his marriage. More someone who has (justifiably) reached the end of his tether and trying to provoke a reaction.

He's had sex 4 times in 5 years. You'd have to be dead below the waist to be happy with that!

Indeed! I think people are forgetting that this guy is barely 30 years of age! It's not like he's a 50 year old. No young man of 30 is going to want to stay in a sexless marriage. He's 30! Not 50 or 60. I think people are forgetting that.

You’re choosing the wrong men then. I wouldn’t be in a long term relationship with anyone who wouldn’t or couldn’t articulate their feelings openly and honestly. To me that’s as basic as them being able to wipe their own arse. Just because there are a lot of incredibly shit men out there doesn’t mean the ones who are not shit are some kind of gods!

I don't think he the bad guy here - I do think his talk full of ultimatums probably hasn't helped the OP feel desire and trust but did add more more pressure but I can see he got that desperate as OP says she hasn't been listening.

His counsellor idea isnt terrible - though I can see why the Op who already feels under attack having framed it all as her problem- by her as much as her DH -is worried it will be an outside person reinforcing that but I do wonder if it will turn out his behavior has exacerbated the problem and it's not just an OP problem but it's a couple problem and they both need to change how they approach it.

Except 99% of men would sooner have an affair, so yes the OP's husband is good by comparison.

Good God, how little some women are willing to accept for the sake of being in a relationship!

OP’s dh is NOT some kind of heroic, decent man - and the posts on here suggesting such are nauseating. He has basically given her an ultimatum which involves him finding some other woman to shag (good luck with that mate!) if op doesn’t start lying down and spreading her legs like a good wife should.

In RL I’m pretty sure every woman I know would be horrified if their friends dh suggested such a thing and probably encourage her to find the strength to end the marriage - or at the very least tell him to to fuck off to the far side of fuck! I despair of this place sometimes!

Idk if this was said to me I would be feeling that he just wants sex with anyone, so long as it happens so I would unlikely feel any better. Libidos can change in both men and women and I see if people are married it's the responsibility of both to stick it out and take the highs with the lows in that regard. We do have hands. Mind you, I'm long term single I don't even have a Fwb let alone a husband so my views my not be realistic. I don't think counseling is a bad idea, and yes ofc your sex life will be bought up, BUT it will go at a rate which you are comfortable with - you won't Juno straight into the nitty gritty of it in the first session.

Indeed. The bar is low, isn't it 😬