DH asked me to consider an open marriage

[Pumpkinspicedmum]

Me and DH have been together since we were 16 and are now 30 with a dd (4) and a ds (16mo)

Since my first pregnancy, I have been struggling with a very low libido and must admit to neglecting DH in that area. The other night DH asked if we could talk and said he wasn't happy in such a low sex marriage (we've dtd 5 times since the birth of our daughter 4 years ago) and really needs sex. He said he has been getting increasingly frustrated and snappy and feels lost in our marriage. He said that he does love me but feels that our relationship is in trouble.

I was honest and told him that it's not him but that I just have zero libido. He suggested counselling but I really don't like the idea of discussing our sex life with a stranger. If I'm honest, I got a bit defensive and went to bed in a huff which I know was wrong.

Fast forward to this evening and DH has asked me if I would consider an open marriage so that he can get his needs met, taking the pressure off of me. He said he loves me and wants our family to stay together but that a compromise needs to be made and its up to me whether we go for sex therapy or I carry on as I am and we have an open marriage.

To be honest, I dont really want to do either and feel a bit annoyed at DH for ruining the status quo which deep down I know is unreasonable and he isn't wrong for wanting sex with his own wife.

Any words of wisdom whilst I try to navigate this situation would be greatly appreciated x

I don't admire anything about him! OP you gave birth to a baby 16 months ago for the love of God. Sex life between you isn't great but FGS, has he birthed two humans recently?

They've had sex 5 times in the last 4 years. No, that isn't normal and it's totally reasonable for him to hope for more.

PS - I will caveat that I haven't read all the posts on this thread - but I have read all the OP's.
I was referring to the OP's responses - not everyone elses necessarily.

I say be careful about open marriage piece- never heard that it’s a long term solution as people involved often end up emotionally engaging too.

good sex therepy won’t make you feel like a shit wife, or even blame you. It’s like divorce reasons now- it takes two to tango and issues why you don’t want sex are probably complex and have their roots in behaviour/feelings/emotions from you both. It’ll be about exploring and removing as many roadblocks as possible and re establishing physical intimacy or helping you reach a path to go forwards if that isn’t possible. “Blame” doesn’t come into it. Or if it does get a new therapist quick as it most certainly shouldn’t.

A good therapist is all about facilitating a conversation between the 2 of you. A sex therapist will be well practiced at making each person at ease and being able to talk frankly. It’s natural to feel awkward at first , but it will become much easier. They may start, for instance, with a simple timeline of your history and how your relationship developed over the years you’ve been together.

As poster have said, at same time going to GP is very sensible. Don’t take no or “it’s normal” for an answer. Sure, it isn’t that uncommon, but those marriages probably end in divorce, and you have every right to try to eliminate physical issues to save your marriage.

"He suggested counselling"

Bloody hell OP if this is for real you have an absolutely amazing husband if he did suggest this.....

@JennyNotFromTheBlock

I don't have disdain for sex. Read it yourself. I said I used to love it. One of the things that sustained my relationship with my DP in our early years when we would often quarrel was that he could keep up with me sexually - not many men could. It was a huge, huge part of my life. Then I had a baby and breastfed for 2.5 years and my libido plummeted. Disappeared. I have grieved for it, I have done all I can to revive it without taking away from my children, and I have gritted my teeth and got on with it when none of that worked. There is no disdain. There is hiraeth. I feel exiled from what used to be my country.

Can you try to imagine even for a second what it's like to lose that part of yourself, and then be held at fault because of it? Or are you so wedded to the idea of the poor poor husband that the OP can only be disdainful of sex, frigid, coercive etc.

I did see what the OP said to you and after your incredibly harsh messages in which you called her all sorts I thought she was being ironic tbh.

A good healthy sex life between partners where physically possible is good and nurturing for the entire family unit. Lack of it destroys relationships and often the family unit is broken for ever.

That's a good point by LlareggubTripAdviser. It brings to mind something I've read on other womens sites a couple of times now. I felt it was quite off at the time, but the more I think about it, the more it makes sense. Some women have said they often put their spouse first, instead of their children. Because a happy and stable relationship augers well for a happy a stable home and happy children. If mum and dad (or mum/mum or dad/dad) aren't happy then children will pick up on it. I was aghast when a woman said they choose to put their marriage/spouse before their children or anything else. I now get it.

Also I'm absolutely amazed what a bloody saint everyone thinks the OP's husband is because he suggested counselling/open marriage rather than just proceed directly to having an affair. I mean I would have thought not breaking your marriage vows was the absolute bare minimum that could be expected without it being held up as some sort of beacon of sainthood.

Considering I didn't call her anything, and indeed told her she is a stunner because her husband chose her and loves her, I presume you must be confusing me with someone else so I pardon that.

I’m glad you’ve agreed to go to counselling OP, it sounds like that’s the best way to try and find a solution together.

But seriously what is with all the wonderment at the fact the DH brought up the issue and suggested counselling? Is talking through your issues not the normal/default position? It certainly is for me. Is everyone here married to someone who never communicates with them? Honestly the bar is subterranean for men. He doesn’t deserve a medal for doing the very normal and logical thing of discussing an issue.

My take : it's over and he needs to face up to that and start planning his exit. Ultimately you have a responsibility to yourself. To be happy and live the best life you can. And this isn't it. You only have one life, get busy living it.

It's not 50s repression to say that exhaustion literally destroys any interest in sex. Very practically, it'a not longer a priority for a drained body.

You misread, LlareggubTripAdviser ·
I think TintinHadToBeMale‘s view is weird, too.
I agree with you. My comment was the last sentence: don’t most people expect sex as part of a loving marriage”.

“I think you have a very strange and unfair view of marriage/LTR

Sex isn't some unpleasant thing foisted upon women. Well it certainly isn't in a normal loving and caring relationship. It's an intimate act that makes the relationship unique between the couple.

A good healthy sex life between partners where physically possible is good and nurturing for the entire family unit. Lack of it destroys relationships and often the family unit is broken for ever.

OPs DH has behaved in a patient caring and mature way to raise this sensitively and suggested some practical ways that may improve things.

The open marriage suggestion will not do this as the 'theory' of it more often than not does not achieve the desired result. It is because sex is such an intimate expression of desire and closeness that runs a very high risk of emotional investment transferring to another.”

You have a 4 yr old and a 16 month yr old. In those circumstances it's not uncommon to have low libido.

Did he not realise that sometimes happens when you have babies and young kids.

He's a bit unrealistic.

Secondly .... Quite hard nosed and ruthless and cold to suggest an open marriage.
Like he can use other people to fulfil his sexual needs ..... How many women dies he think are hanging around wanting to have sex with a married man and father of young kids, with his wife at home knowing (roughly) about it and probably accepting it only be dfse she feels she has to. Horrible for both women. He's pretty selfish and again unrealistic.

Further on that subject .. open marriages often end up in disaster with at least one partner forming a proper relationship with their favourite fuck buddy. That's human nature. Again he's being selfish, foolish and unrealistic.

Sure sex isn't like wanking but he can wank! And he's planning, apparently, on having no strings emotionless sex with other women s in its not like he's missing connection and intimacy etc.

Except 99% of men would sooner have an affair, so yes the OP's husband is good by comparison.

It's interesting though that you ignore the thought that some of us might have of the OP breaking her marriage vows in their sexual relationship, that doesn't matter though, does it? If someone breaks the marriage contract first, then the other one can't be blamed. Just because OP didn't have an affair but just withheld sex doesn't make it any more or less of a violation of marriage.

Good ol mumsnet. In so many words it always comes back to Leave The Bastard.

Perhaps not such helpful advice when she still seems to love him and they have two tiny children.

, Op..I think what you’ve managed here is a lesson to other women and men that are posting on here about issues.
you’ve both behaved as adults, recognising your vulnerabilities and communicating well together. That’s a sing of very good foundations for a marriage. fgs don’t overlook that - some partners would just have buggered off or had an affair.

re self esteem- is there an issue post childbirth that is adding more to your inner doubts about your attractiveness vs previous gfs ? If so, that’s certainly one for therapists to work with you both on. Remember he is with you, he won’t be having these conversations if he didn’t value and appreciate you for what you are - it’s not all about the way you might look. He didn’t marry those beauties did he? Think about your other qualities and attributes that he likes about you- the reasons you married. Focus on that. Beauty fades over time whether you try to halt it or not- it’s not the stuff that keeps marriages together for a long time.

He seems completely unrealistic about the ebbs and flows of sex life in a long term relationship with kids.

I find him unrealistic, selfish and (with regard to his proposal) pretty cold, and also foolish.

Oh and if your sex drive returns, does the having sex with at least one other person just magically conveniently stop?! Hard to imagine that, once he's got into the habit.

Also, @JennyNotFromTheBlock your insistence that marriage IS a sexual relationship by definition is a bit woolly. For one thing it's not backed up in the text of any marriage vows I know of - fidelity is explicit, sex is not mentioned. Unless you know a form of words where it is? Wit my body I thee worship is as close as I can think, and that is highly ambiguous imo as I think I refers more to the division of spiritual and physical worlds rather than "worship" being code for sex.

Also you then drift from this a bit when faced with couples for whom sex is not a part of their happy marriage - "well you're old, sex is an expected part of marriage in your thirties" - err, where was age stratification in the small print?

What about menopause, is the OP expected to just fuck her way through that too regardless of her actual desires and physical pain? Medicate herself to enable that despite potential short and long term side effects? Long term illness? Grief? How long if at all is it acceptable for either of these to put a crimp in her DH's needs?

What about when she's elderly and frankly just does not fancy it any more - is it ever acceptable within a marriage for sex to decline below the level desired by the higher-sexed party? Does marriage ever become about more than sex/does sex ever stop being an "essential" part of the contract?

Did you miss the bit where he asked the OP for counselling and she refused?

Yes to this!
I’ve not read the whole thread but the majority seem to be praising your husband which baffles me. Suggesting an open marriage is not honourable, from my perspective he if threatening to cheat if you don’t have sex with him.
You have two young children, one who is probably very demanding of your time, one who has probably just started school it’s a lot.
You only owe him effort and honesty.

Except 99% of men would sooner have an affair, so yes the OP's husband is good by comparison.

Absolute bollocks.

There are men and women who live with years of low or no sex life for various reasons and don't cheat of leave ... Because if their kids, finances, their family, be Suze they love their partner and see them as their person .... And are wise enough to know an open relationship would be a mess.

*don't cheat or leave

*I don't admire anything about him! OP you gave birth to a baby 16 months ago for the love of God. Sex life between you isn't great but FGS, has he birthed two humans recently?

If he isn't happy and wants to leave, then he needs to suggest a separation, not to put this awful 'I want to have a lovely family life but be free to go out and shag other people' idea on you. It is NOT an open marriage he's suggesting by the way, it's a hall pass that he's asking for. Open marriages are a concept that two people of similar mindsets enter into without any coercion from the other, because it genuinely reflects their beliefs and comfort zones. He is coercing you by basically saying that you don't get a continued happy family life unless he gets to have a sex hall pass - when you are at home caring for a 16 MONTH OLD BABY and a toddler. I bloody hope he reflects on this and hates himself for being such an asshole as to suggest it.

Please don't feel you need to agree with this, although a separation does sound sensible for you both to get some mental space.*

Couldn't agree more.

Open relationships are supposed to be two way, equal arrangements ... Not, my wife has had two of my kids recently and doesn't want to fuck as often as I do, so I get to find a human flesh light and fuck her until she does have a sex drive to equal mine again (or will he stood even then)?

Kinda despicable.

*or will he stop even then

Good by comparison to shit is not the same as "amazing", "a keeper", "so mature" etc that's been heaped on this bloke just for not having an affair without asking for permission first. Let's be real here, the OP posted because he's asked her permission to go fuck other women. I'm pretty astonished that in this day and age this is considered to be the mark of a devoted husband.