DH asked me to consider an open marriage

[Pumpkinspicedmum]

Me and DH have been together since we were 16 and are now 30 with a dd (4) and a ds (16mo)

Since my first pregnancy, I have been struggling with a very low libido and must admit to neglecting DH in that area. The other night DH asked if we could talk and said he wasn't happy in such a low sex marriage (we've dtd 5 times since the birth of our daughter 4 years ago) and really needs sex. He said he has been getting increasingly frustrated and snappy and feels lost in our marriage. He said that he does love me but feels that our relationship is in trouble.

I was honest and told him that it's not him but that I just have zero libido. He suggested counselling but I really don't like the idea of discussing our sex life with a stranger. If I'm honest, I got a bit defensive and went to bed in a huff which I know was wrong.

Fast forward to this evening and DH has asked me if I would consider an open marriage so that he can get his needs met, taking the pressure off of me. He said he loves me and wants our family to stay together but that a compromise needs to be made and its up to me whether we go for sex therapy or I carry on as I am and we have an open marriage.

To be honest, I dont really want to do either and feel a bit annoyed at DH for ruining the status quo which deep down I know is unreasonable and he isn't wrong for wanting sex with his own wife.

Any words of wisdom whilst I try to navigate this situation would be greatly appreciated x

What the heck are you talking about?!!
There is no signs here he's having an affair, quite the opposite actually!!
Stop ✋ pushing your own agenda.

Wow, just.... I can't even. A man has said he wants to keep his marriage, has not had an affair and won't go behind her back, and someone is so delusional and unhinged they think mentioning 'the script' is appropriate in this circumstance? OP's husband is a decent man, he is certainly not cheating. Wanting to do everything to save your marriage is decent and honourable. Some women truly give women a bad name.

Thank you everyone for your replies. DH and I were up most of last night talking as neither of us could sleep.

From his point of view, our marriage is in trouble. He said the last time we had sex (8 months ago) was when he was finally able to admit to himself we were having problems.

He said it was hurtful because I rolled over, pulled my knickers down and basically told him to get on with it. He said it was the first time throughout our whole relationship he has struggled with arousal and it panicked him that we were on such a slippery slope and he was so worried about us losing attraction to each other. I apologised and explained that my libido issues are nothing personal.

I asked him if he has been tempted to stray and he said that he has never cheated and doesnt want to. He said he has noticed he is more aware of attractive women in his presence, but has no intention of acting on anything.

We are going to start therapy after Christmas (no availability until then) and in the meantime I am going to see the GP.

We have both agreed that we do not want to split and that an open marriage will be a last resort if after a year there has been little to no improvement.

I know the advice here has been to share a bed, but DH and I have decided to sleep separately for the time being as we are both feeling quite hurt and in need of a bit of space x

That poster is absolutely unhinged and has contributed nothing to help the OP.

Fantastic OP.
I wish you both the very best of luck.
❤️

That's good news OP. And it sounds like your husband really truly loves you, love like that is all too rare these days. Hold onto it. You've got a good one there. Don't let him go!

OP, I totally understand what it feels like to think you are "less" in terms of attractiveness than past girlfriends. If this, and the general drudgery and unsexiness of life with small children have ground you down, that is very understandable. It's not sustainable though, and I am sure you know that. It sounds as if your DH is kind and understanding and loves you, otherwise he would already have made his own arrangements. Don't let your lack of self esteem sabotage this - you're not a bad wife and that isn't what he is saying. He misses what you previously had, otherwise he wouldn't be trying so hard. You don't have to jump him at any opportunity, but it is unfair to expect him to live without any hope of any intimacy or spark. Good luck at the hotel!

So many posters saying young kids means a lack of sex. But this situation is on an entirely different scale.

The OP has admitted they’ve barely had sex once a year. That isn’t sustainable… the marriage will end due to so little sex unless the OP does something about it (indeed if she wants to). Her husband is giving her a way to fix it.

This.

he doesn’t want an open marriage he wants to shag around without guilt.

he’s not wrong for being unhappy with how things are but personally I think ending it would be a better way to deal with it and leaves him free to meet someone else

Don’t sleep separately, that will make it worse. Try and keep the connection going

Good luck OP

No one has to have sex they don

Argh hit wrong button. No one has to have sex

Mumsnet keeps freezing and posting so final attempt. No one has to have

But yes I agree that he’s basically a decent guy, loves you and is frustrated. But I think the “open marriage” wasn’t the right way of putting it.

You're saying that you feel inferior and like he settled and like you're not worth as much as other.

Imagine how he feels. The last time he had sex with his wife (after literally only doing it a handful of times in several years), she rolled over and told him to basically just get on with it. No affection, no mutual enjoyment, closeness, no love. Imagine how inferior and rejected he feels. And that's over years and years because you haven't realised you have a problem and gone for help.

I know you've now said that you'll do therapy but are you actually committed to that? Your initial comments on therapy seemed very much like you're not interested and dont actually want to change or work on yourself and you very much blamed him for bringing it up.

He sounds like a really decent guy who has stuck with you in a sexless marriage which he didnt choose. He gave you years. Now he needs change and you're doing it begrudgingly.

How much is he actually worth to you? Because it doesn't sound like you think he is actually worth enough to try.

I wouldnt stay in a celibate marriage. He hasnt done anything wrong. I hope you really are committed to working on things and arent just paying lip service. You just seemed very intent on making this his problem and accused him of "atttacking" you over it when it sounds like he has been nothing but kind and understanding.

Wanting sex with your spouse is perfectly normal. Telling your wife if she doesn't have sex with you, you'll have sex with someone else isnt

I agree with this. Perhaps you can agree that for now, sex or even the idea of it is completely OFF the table so there's no expectation or pressure on either side, but sleep in the same bed, snuggle up together, touch. Don't let the physical gulf of sleeping in separate beds swallow up the last vestiges of intimacy before you can start to rebuild them.

Good Luck OP x

(You obviously dont have to have sex you dont want to have. If you dont want to, and dont want to really commit to resolving this then end the marriage. You dont have to have sex but you cannot expect him to be content without it.)

Except he didn't do that. He asked OP for therapy, she said no. He then asked about an open marriage.

He didn't 'tell' her he 'will' have sex with someone else.

After several years when he has realised this is his life now, a celibate life... yeah, it is normal.

He has been open and honest. Which is more than can be said for the OP. He cant live like this. And he shouldn't have to. The choices are they go to counselling to work through it or they have an open marriage or they split up.

She initially refused counselling, because she wasnt willing to try for him, so an open marriage was the next option or splitting up.

They are all valid choices. They should all be discussed. After several years of his wife not allowing sex, then yes, it is very normal to look at every option available and discuss them.

He hasn't just told her he'll have sex with other women if she doesn't start having sex with him. He's opened a dialogue about it. I definitely could cope with sex once a year whilst in a committed relationship. Neither OP or her DH have done anything wrong.

OP I think you should try the counselling. The counsellor is bound by confidentiality unless they feel someone is at risk or a serious crime has been committed. They'll guide you through and won't just open with 'let's talk about sex then'. Good luck.

I agree with this.

It’s like you are punishing him for being open and honest and decent.

@Pumpkinspicedmum
Have you always had a low libido or is this something that's happened recently?

Sounds like your DH is a decent man trying to fight for his marriage and has suggested options to consider - have you got any other suggestions?

4 times in the last 4 years would test most men TBH.

I guess you need to decide whether you want to have sex again or are open to sex again. If you are, you need to take proactive steps to make the situation better for your DH & you.

Personally, I don't think sleeping in separate rooms will help if you proactively want to work on this.

I would definitely go to the GP to see if it's hormonal.

I remember reading some articles on sexual health and lack of libido when I was in a dip post child birth. I remember that one expert said that libido can subside due to lack of practise but to get it back up you needed to start it up again and it becomes a habit. That meant having sex when really, I didn't want to, however, my marriage and my partnership was more important than me feeling a bit 'meh'. Also after I had had sex in those early days - I always felt better after it.

Hope it gets better for you. Your DH sounds worth fighting for.

But that is not what he has said? He has asked her to consider therapy or an open marriage. I assume if she agrees to neither then the marriage will end, as he will become more unhappy, and it will mean other areas of their marriage will become fraught as well.

He has not threatened, he has tried to discuss the situation, which is how all good marriages should deal with problems.

I understand that this may upset the OP, but tough conversations are needed in order to save marriages sometimes.

It is good that OP has agreed to counselling, hopefully that will help.

But I think the DH has dealt with the situation well.

Great update OP! Wishing you well. I hope the GP can help you (my contraceptive wiped out libido, was an awful time, was fine after stopping it). Your partner sounds like a good guy and the fact you spent ages talking is a such a good thing. Just be careful about the separate beds though, it can drive the wedge in further. I hope you both manage to get back on track. This is one of those threads where I have fingers and toes crossed for OP 💐