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Original poster

DH asked me to consider an open marriage

728 replies

Pumpkinspicedmum · 21/11/2022 23:06

Me and DH have been together since we were 16 and are now 30 with a dd (4) and a ds (16mo)

Since my first pregnancy, I have been struggling with a very low libido and must admit to neglecting DH in that area. The other night DH asked if we could talk and said he wasn't happy in such a low sex marriage (we've dtd 5 times since the birth of our daughter 4 years ago) and really needs sex. He said he has been getting increasingly frustrated and snappy and feels lost in our marriage. He said that he does love me but feels that our relationship is in trouble.

I was honest and told him that it's not him but that I just have zero libido. He suggested counselling but I really don't like the idea of discussing our sex life with a stranger. If I'm honest, I got a bit defensive and went to bed in a huff which I know was wrong.

Fast forward to this evening and DH has asked me if I would consider an open marriage so that he can get his needs met, taking the pressure off of me. He said he loves me and wants our family to stay together but that a compromise needs to be made and its up to me whether we go for sex therapy or I carry on as I am and we have an open marriage.

To be honest, I dont really want to do either and feel a bit annoyed at DH for ruining the status quo which deep down I know is unreasonable and he isn't wrong for wanting sex with his own wife.

Any words of wisdom whilst I try to navigate this situation would be greatly appreciated x

OP posts:
loislovesstewie · 22/11/2022 08:19

The problem with not having sex is that the longer that continues the less likely it is to start again. Please OP agree to counselling, you might be able to reignite your feelings or, at the very least, find a way to separate amicably. Yes, having young children is tiring but the number of times you have had sex recently is just not going to constitute a healthy relationship for most people your age. What would help you to feel like sex again? Time to yourself? Date nights? A few days away? Try to come up with a solution and discuss with him.

Hellno44 · 22/11/2022 08:19

Go to the GP and get your hormones and thyroid levels checked. Also check if any of your medication is effecting you libido. Personally, I would see the therapist. I would struggle with my husband having sex with someone else. The idea of him being intimate with someone else, having feelings for them. Also the possibility of him leaving for her. I think better to rule out any medical issues. Commit to the therapy and if that doesn't work discuss ending the relationship. You may well not be sexually compatible.

LoveAngelLove · 22/11/2022 08:22

I'd speak to the stranger about sex before I gave permission for my husband to have sex with a stranger.

MavisChunch29 · 22/11/2022 08:31

Nobody is saying she has to suddenly shag him twice daily against her will

The trouble is, more than one poster was saying that.

JennyNotFromTheBlock · 22/11/2022 08:32

MavisChunch29 · 22/11/2022 08:31

Nobody is saying she has to suddenly shag him twice daily against her will

The trouble is, more than one poster was saying that.

Not one single poster has said that. Not one.

FettleOfKish · 22/11/2022 08:37

MavisChunch29 · 22/11/2022 08:31

Nobody is saying she has to suddenly shag him twice daily against her will

The trouble is, more than one poster was saying that.

230 posts and I must have missed that one, be a dear and quote it for us?

Kikikik · 22/11/2022 08:38

Wow that is a very honest and respectful way for your DH to address it.
Go for counselling. He obviously loves you and wants it to work and probably misses that intimate part of your relationship.
Go to councilling.... Everyone feels funny about starting therapy but just think what good could come of it. X

Skylark1 · 22/11/2022 08:38

@JennyNotFromTheBlock I hear you. Also a feminist.

Joey69 · 22/11/2022 08:46

FettleOfKish · 22/11/2022 08:18

I've literally just arrived and had to wade through dozens of posts of you three sniping at each other. Give it a rest.

And FWIW I don't think your stance that OP not wanting sex trumps her DH wanting sex always and forever and DH will just have to put up and shut up potentially for the rest of his life is particularly helpful to anyone. That's not how healthy relationships & marriages are made, they involve compromise.

The DH here has (to the best of our knowledge) quietly compromised with 4 years of much less sex than he'd find ideal while they were starting their family, and now it's the OP's turn to compromise by at least attempting to find a workable solution to something that has become a problem in their marriage.

Nobody is saying she has to suddenly shag him twice daily against her will, she just has to be willing to work on it, see if they can find a path back to mutually desired intimacy, and if she won't or they can't find a solution that works for both of them then maybe it's time to call time on the marriage.

I think this is great a balanced post, both sides need to look at what would be a suitable compromise while they still can, if no solution is agreeable for both sides then call time on the marriage.

Butitsnotfunnyisititsserious · 22/11/2022 08:48

MavisChunch29 · 22/11/2022 08:05

@FettleOfKish You also have a right to leave the thread if you find it frustrating. Both @Soontobe60 me and several others have made numerous posts intended to be helpful to the OP. The other one you referred to...not so much.

@JennyNotFromTheBlock has been helpful, you just don't like what they've had to say. You said you'd ignore the poster and now you're taking digs at them.

Butitsnotfunnyisititsserious · 22/11/2022 08:49

MavisChunch29 · 22/11/2022 08:31

Nobody is saying she has to suddenly shag him twice daily against her will

The trouble is, more than one poster was saying that.

Please quote the post that says exactly that.

talkingmorenonsense · 22/11/2022 08:49

It’s actually completely normal to have a loss of sex drive when you have small children. You’re tired and worn out with the demands of child care. I think it needs to be acknowledged more that this is a normal state of affairs for women. It’s not an illness that needs treatment. In time, with a DH that understands and loves you, your libido will return. Men who put pressure on women, for sex, are the reason relationships fail.

Herejustforthisone · 22/11/2022 08:49

Peedoffo · 22/11/2022 00:40

I would have a blood test to check for any deficiencies, hormonal imbalances. I would then go to counselling. I haven't been horny either in truth it's because my DH wasn't turning me on he was just expecting sex instead of working up to it. I missed being seduced we went to a wedding recently DH got very pissed and started dancing with me gyrating. Twirling round the room, touching me. It was very hot we then had very passionate sex. It wasn't me having low libido it's because DH wasn't firing it up 🤣🤣

I initially read this wrong as he was twirling and gyrating round the room on his own and couldn’t for the life of me work out why you’d find that hot. 😆

jtaeapa · 22/11/2022 08:51

Are you on some hormonal contraception that is killing your libido? Mirena did that for my friend. Lots of pills can do it to some people. If so I’d come off it immediately.

ItsBritneyBitch45 · 22/11/2022 08:53

He’s very young to be living with enforced celibacy.

I agree with this. 30 years old (or in his 30s) and has had sex five times in four years….
Of course you have to do what’s best for you and if you have no interest in sex then no one can force you. On the flip side, no one can force your husband to be happy with barely any sex at all. I’m sure marriage is all about compromise and listening to the other person so I think counselling would be a good idea. It sounds like he’s actively trying to improve things and get to the root of the problem.

If you don’t want to have counselling then fair enough but surely you must love him enough to at least try? You don’t want to have sex with him. Don’t want him to have sex with anyone else and don’t want to have counselling. What exactly do you want?

CurlsandSwirls · 22/11/2022 08:53

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn on the user's request.

User0610134057 · 22/11/2022 08:53

I think it’s wrong with you not to even try therapy

User0610134057 · 22/11/2022 08:53

*of you

LadyGardenersQuestionTime · 22/11/2022 08:54

@Pumpkinspicedmum I can recommend my therapist if you decide to go that route.

MavisChunch29 · 22/11/2022 08:55

If so I’d come off it immediately

While making sure another form of contraception is available, should you suddenly wish to have sex. Also with Mirena it can take time to get an appointment to have it removed.

gannett · 22/11/2022 08:55

Cutting through the bunfight the advice is straightforward. OP, go to the counselling.

I don't think either of you are cut out for an open marriage. I don't even think your husband especially wants one, it's a last resort. Open marriages work best when it's what both parties actively want, not as a desperation tactic, because they're actually pretty hard to pull off and require more honesty and communication, not less.

You being annoyed that he's "ruined the status quo" is a weird comment because the status quo sounds absolutely ruinous itself. Five years with barely any sex isn't a dry spell, it's a catastrophe in most relationships. You don't have to have sex you don't want, but you should acknowledge that five years of sexlessness is objectively a problem and have some sort of willingness to try solving it.

Your awkward feelings about sex counselling are really minor in comparison to half a decade (and potentially ongoing indefinitely) of your partner not wanting to have sex with you.

Justnosing · 22/11/2022 08:57

Your dh sounds very sensible. I feel quite sorry for him. You need to decide which you prefer out of the two options because it can’t all be about your feelings solely.

MavisChunch29 · 22/11/2022 08:58

Just wow.

Notmysolution · 22/11/2022 08:59

This wouldn’t be an open marriage. It would be your H openly having affairs and you being unhappy about it. You won’t be able to put parameters around these relationships, and they will be long term emotional relationships and friendships he is having. That is a huge emotional and psychological burden. How will you feel seeing him happier and knowing why? How will you feel whilst he is out? About money and time taken from you and your children? How secure will you feel knowing he could leave one day for one of these women?

Your only option ms are to split or try to refind your libido. Honestly, if you can afford it look into private treatment. The NHS waiting lists will be huge, even if you can access anything at all.

make sure he is taking more of the kid/ domestic burden so you are less tired too.

Finalt, make sure you are always able to support yourself financially, in case you need too.

Sorry OP it’s a horrible situation for both of you.

MavisChunch29 · 22/11/2022 09:02

Has DH given you The Script yet, OP? I'd be on the look out for it.

www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/1485686-the-hes-having-an-affair-script

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