DH asked me to consider an open marriage

[Pumpkinspicedmum]

Me and DH have been together since we were 16 and are now 30 with a dd (4) and a ds (16mo)

Since my first pregnancy, I have been struggling with a very low libido and must admit to neglecting DH in that area. The other night DH asked if we could talk and said he wasn't happy in such a low sex marriage (we've dtd 5 times since the birth of our daughter 4 years ago) and really needs sex. He said he has been getting increasingly frustrated and snappy and feels lost in our marriage. He said that he does love me but feels that our relationship is in trouble.

I was honest and told him that it's not him but that I just have zero libido. He suggested counselling but I really don't like the idea of discussing our sex life with a stranger. If I'm honest, I got a bit defensive and went to bed in a huff which I know was wrong.

Fast forward to this evening and DH has asked me if I would consider an open marriage so that he can get his needs met, taking the pressure off of me. He said he loves me and wants our family to stay together but that a compromise needs to be made and its up to me whether we go for sex therapy or I carry on as I am and we have an open marriage.

To be honest, I dont really want to do either and feel a bit annoyed at DH for ruining the status quo which deep down I know is unreasonable and he isn't wrong for wanting sex with his own wife.

Any words of wisdom whilst I try to navigate this situation would be greatly appreciated x

@Itisbetter she has a 16 month old and a pre schooler. She may still be breastfeeding. Even if she's not it is totally normal to have zero libido at this stage because of absolute exhaustion- even at the young age of 30. It's hard to separate yourself and your identity from your children and that's not conducive to feeling sexual at all. Don't freak her out that there's something wrong with her.

However OP, you do have to either accept that you need to work on this stage, try an open relationship or split. As others have said it's really good that he's been honest with you.
Have you looked at how to get time just to yourself as a couple. I find that if me and my DH get two nights away together away from children by the second night I'm actually in the mood as I'm rested and have reconnected with my DH as a person rather than a parent

The thing is, you e become a mother and you sound as though you are focusing all you have on that part of your your life. It takes work to maintain a relationship, you have to switch from being a mother to being a lover effectively and it’s hard work.

Hopefully counciling will help you to identify where changes can be made. It’s sounds as though you just need to prioritise your relationship a little. Best of luck.

TintinHadToBeMale · Today 06:14
I’m going to say the opposite of both yourself and everyone else and ask you just if this man is worth it.

You are the mother of his children. You have taken one hell of a health risk, twice, and are now mothering children, one of whom is under 2 still, and the only thing he can think about is his dick?? How very typically male.

This is just another entitled male who thought he could and should be entitled to sex forever with no consequences. The demands on women now are horrendous and there is no more equality or progression than for the aristos in the Middle Ages when women were expected to put up with multiple mistresses. Except that we get lied to a lot more about how it’s for our own good and is oh so politically correct“

Don’t most people expect sex as part of a loving marriage?

And if you're on the pill come off immediately. It can destroy libido

I find your original post really refreshing and it’s a problem that hits most marriages - even though most would not admit that. It sounds like both of your self esteem is pretty much non existent right now. I do just want to say that your husband did what many wouldn’t do, he came to you and really admitted how he was feeling. Sex isn’t just about the act, he sounds like he wants to be closer to you and you both are just not connecting there.

Therapy would be good and you have to learn to love yourself - no therapist/counsellor would ever call you a rubbish wife.

Wishing you all the best. :)

@YukoandHiro no I don’t think it is “totally normal” to have no sex drive for years as a young healthy woman. I think it’s entirely likely it’s a symptom of a hormonal imbalance or something else and warrants a visit to the GP. I think the idea that OP should be frightened to even contemplate there might be a reason she isn’t experiencing desire is utterly bizarre. Sex is a natural part of a healthy adult woman’s life not a nice to have. FFS go back to the 50s

I find it quite sad that you see sex as something that men do and demand of women rather then something that generally both people enjoy.
Majority of people who are in healthy, intimate relationships want sex with their partners. While some dry spells can happen due to stress, medication etc going 4 years without is a sign of a bigger issue or total incompatibility.
It's also sad that people on here tend to see sex as something only to do with release and libido. Sex is a very intimate, emotional act. There is no other way to be as close to someone you love physically.

Both men and women deserve to be in happy fulfilling relationships. Nobody owes anybody sex but also nobody owes anybody a relationship forever even when they are unhappy in it.

It seems like OPs husband communicated he's unhappy and what needs to change for him to stay in a marriage. And thats fair enough. It's all about communication and working things through. There is no point of making it into the war of genders.

Don’t most people expect sex as part of a loving marriage?

You'd think so, but according to a few posters on this thread, there is something wrong with you if you want to make love to your spouse.... 🙄

Looking back I’d say it’s pretty normal for libido to fade during those years when your kids are little. It did for me and many of my friends at that time.
there’s this thing that we have to do the whole hot sexy mama thing which puts a lot of pressure on when you’re tired. Small kids want to climb on you all the time and just when you get your body space back in the evenings he wants it too!
Lots of that time it involved me giving him a quick blow job as seemed easiest and quickest to get that “responsibility” off the tick list. (DH was delighted by this solution :) I just added it to the weekly chores and feigned a bit of enthusiasm - I confess our feelings were more complex about it all but looking back that’s what it amounted to.
From the perspective of 30 or 40 years I can assure you your sex life will come roaring back once your focus moves from your kids a bit. There will be a trigger (for us it was holidays) that sets it off again. One tip I have is start really looking at his body again, often I found I just didn’t notice him.
You could go to the GP and they might “fix it” with a testosterone gel but it’s weird to me to do this for what’s a fairly normal phase of life. My friend who trod this path confessed she couldn’t stop thinking about sex every 5 minutes and was a danger to delivery men, I think they overdosed her!
OP you sound like you’ve got a great marriage, you communicate well. You are a bit defensive it sounds but I think you know it. Keep talking and muddle on through the pair of you X

I definitely don’t think an open marriage is the way to go and I’d be very upset if my dh suggested it. That will only lead to sadness and resentment- especially if you are home feeling depressed looking after the kids whilst he’s out getting his jollies elsewhere. He’s out of order to even suggest it IMO. He should be concentrating on helping you get better and encouraging you to get help for your loss of libido - instead it must feel like he’s given you an ultimatum “start having sex with me or il go and find someone else to shag”. Not really the actions of a loving husband.

I would discuss ways in which he can take some of the pressure off you so you start feeling like yourself again. Definitely visit your gp and discuss options, therapy may be a good idea.

Id rather split than give my dh permission to have sex with other women, which it sounds like is what he wants you to do.

I suspect that he has raised this subject with you many times previously, as it would be bizarre to go from 0 to 100 overnight, by suggesting the option of having an open marriage. I think you haven't been listening or you've been burying your head in the sand.

Your excuse of avoiding intimacy, because of feeling inadequate because his previous girlfriends were prettier, is, in my opinion, just that - an excuse (sorry). Whoever he dated before he was 16, was quite frankly a child, and that was 14 years ago!

Having sex 4 times in 5 years? I can only presume that his own sex drive is pretty low, if it's taken him 5 years to get to this point. Most people would have left a very long time ago, or they would have cheated. I guess that's in your favour as it's given you more time before things got to crunch point.

However, please do sit up and listen now, because he has given you a very clear warning shot across the bows, and I do believe that what you do next will affect the rest of your life. When my libido was low (with small children), my first H did not do me the courtesy of such a conversation, he just went to other women for sex. And bear in mind, we were having sex about twice a month, but that wasn't enough for him. And of course, that was the end of us. So you have a chance here to pull things back, if that's what you want.

When one person doesn't want sex, and one person does, it is always the low libido partner who get's what they want, and all too often the desires of the other person are just ignored.

I do wish you luck. You have the chance here to get back on track, if that's what you want. He sounds like a decent man.

I wonder if your hormone levels haven't properly recovered?

Sex therapy would really help. You sound like you have low self-esteem and low confidence is never going to help make you feel good about being in the bedroom.

I guess the only other thing is - what would make you feel turned on?

Is there ANYTHING, anything at all that would get you in the mood? Imagine you had endless days and nights to yourself- no commitments with kids - you're back to being your old self before kids - what did it for you then?

I think the early years are crap for feeling sexy. Really really crap. They suck the lifeblood out of you.

And even aged 30 you could be going through an early menopause - you just never know. Ask your GP to test your hormone levels and check.

Many women who hit the perimenopause have problems with having sex because of low libido and dryness.

Testosterone is the hit that changes all of this and gives women a strong sex drive. NHS won't prescribe testosterone and I certainly wouldn't suggest seeking it out without looking at the combination of other hormones that work with it.

But perhaps a look at low libido generally and what you can do.

www.balance-menopause.com/menopause-library/testosterone-why-cant-we-have-our-own-hormone-back-with-dr-zoe-hodson/

It's for menopause - but perhaps you're having a wee one right now. Certainly worth a look as it could be hormonal.

If you've taken the contraceptive pill and if you have certain gene, it can mean you can go through a very early menopause - your hormone levels will never go back to normal.

Not sure if my perspective will help but my husband and I didn't have sex for three years after our second child was born and then only 2/3 x a year for the next two years. This was his choice. I found it really hard as I both really enjoy sex and it made me feel like he didn't love me anymore, even though he reassured me it wasn't the case.

We opened our marriage a year ago with the condition I could only date a woman. It has finally allowed me to regain a sex life (along with a loving relationship) but:

1. it's still limited as I have very little spare time with another partner, kids, training for a new job, housework etc. Does your DH have time to put towards a relationship as it is another demand on his time? It has caused resentment for my DH as now he has to do more childcare and the house isn't as clean.

2. we have nearly split so many times this year. As well as resentment building over time, I've fallen in love with my girlfriend and she has asked me to leave my husband numerous times. Her husband has also fallen in love me, and I've fallen in love with him, but obviously that's not allowed by my husband, nor something any of us have time for! Basically, from my experience, it's very messy, there's a lot of emotions involved and the strength of our marriage has been tested many times.

If you do decide to open, do a lot, and I mean a lot of reading beforehand and you really need to work out a solution for every scenario that could occur; resentment over time commitments, jealously, what happens if your DH falls in love, what are your boundaries? There's loads of open marriage guidance out there, which I wish I'd read beforehand, which should outline what you really need to consider.

I feel therapy now would be easier. And from my experience you'll probably end up therapy anyway if you open up your marriage!

Aww OP this must be so difficult for both of you. And I don't think either of you is really "wrong" from what you say here. It's just something you need to work on together.

It's great that you had such a productive discussion and will be talking to your GP and starting counseling after Christmas. Long relationships can have a number of ups and downs and dry spells. If the two of you truly want to work things out, there should be ways to rekindle your connection.

I know Relate (the relationship counseling charity) has a book called "The Relate guide to sex in loving relationships" that might be worth a read. I think their actual counselors can be a mixed bag in terms of quality but the book was pretty good.

Best wishes

And I'm another one who found that any hormonal type of contraception killed off my libido completely!

I do think the OP's DH has been patient, but god there is so much empathy for him and so little for the OP on this thread. Women can be so horrible to other women. @JennyNotFromTheBlock you have been particularly harsh and acerbic, so in love with her noble, honourable, decent DH that you haven't given the OP's position the time of day.

It's so horrible to lose your libido. So horrible that something you used to enjoy and initiate becomes something to be avoided or endured. Some people will read OP's description of the last time they had sex (pants down, get on with it) and think "poor DH", and while I'm sure that must have been miserable for him - he still did it, still had sex with her when he can have been under absolutely no illusions that she wanted it or enjoyed it. That's how important sex is to him, simply orgasm - not "connection with his wife" or however you want to dress it. There's no connection pumping away at an unwilling partner. But he did it anyway.

I've been in the "low libido" camp more recently than the sex starved one and so I empathise immediately with the OP in that situation, feeling cornered, trapped, used, inadequate. The temptation to "perform", both to please your partner and to get it over quicker, warring with the desire to be authentic, but knowing that being true to your authentic self is going to end your marriage - leading to resentment and despair - I can totally see why she just rolled over and said "just get it over with". It's horrible to feel like a sex worker in your own relationship. Which I'm sure will be countered with more "poor DH", but do you think we could spend a minute thinking about what it's like for OP?

OP I've been where you are. Still am often. I try and force myself to it every other day/three days because I know my relationship won't survive without it, I want my kids to have a family and a home, and because the more I'm in the habit the easier/more enjoyable it is. But I do feel inauthentic and under obligation a lot of the time which is NOT how I used to feel about sex - I used to love it. I hate feeling that way. But to be honest it's now gone beyond the physical lax of libido, as knowing that having sex was,fundamentally, more important to my partner than me actually wanting the sex, has changed how I fundamentally feel about sex. All the "connection" stuff feels a bit bullshit to me now when I used to really believe in it.

It sucks OP. I wouldn't go down the open marriage route, it's a1 slow death.

It’s been 10 years for us due to my disability. We miss it and are try to be close in other ways

I think you have a very strange and unfair view of marriage/LTR

Sex isn't some unpleasant thing foisted upon women. Well it certainly isn't in a normal loving and caring relationship. It's an intimate act that makes the relationship unique between the couple.

A good healthy sex life between partners where physically possible is good and nurturing for the entire family unit. Lack of it destroys relationships and often the family unit is broken for ever.

OPs DH has behaved in a patient caring and mature way to raise this sensitively and suggested some practical ways that may improve things.

The open marriage suggestion will not do this as the 'theory' of it more often than not does not achieve the desired result. It is because sex is such an intimate expression of desire and closeness that runs a very high risk of emotional investment transferring to another.

@Oujiawoowoo He did try to help the OP and encourage her to get help. She (then) refused to get any help. He was the one trying, she was the one who refused help or to admit there was a problem. Him wanting to do everything to save their marriage IS the actions of a loving husband.

I don't admire anything about him! OP you gave birth to a baby 16 months ago for the love of God. Sex life between you isn't great but FGS, has he birthed two humans recently?

If he isn't happy and wants to leave, then he needs to suggest a separation, not to put this awful 'I want to have a lovely family life but be free to go out and shag other people' idea on you. It is NOT an open marriage he's suggesting by the way, it's a hall pass that he's asking for. Open marriages are a concept that two people of similar mindsets enter into without any coercion from the other, because it genuinely reflects their beliefs and comfort zones. He is coercing you by basically saying that you don't get a continued happy family life unless he gets to have a sex hall pass - when you are at home caring for a 16 MONTH OLD BABY and a toddler. I bloody hope he reflects on this and hates himself for being such an asshole as to suggest it.

Please don't feel you need to agree with this, although a separation does sound sensible for you both to get some mental space.

Neither are wrong, but if the status quote stays, then the end result will be divorce. It’s worth exploring options before then. You might love each other but you aren’t compatible. No one’s fault, just unfortunate,

This is a great thread about a very common issue. I almost think it should be pinned as a great way to tackle a mis-matched libido.
@Pumpkinspicedmum I think it's great the you and you husband have managed to be so honest with each other about the lack of sex issue. Yes I'm sure it's felt hurtful but i think the night away - you going to GP and future counselling are all great steps. I wish you both the best of luck.

@MaybeIWillFuckOffThen that you haven't given the OP's position the time of day.

Really? Is that why the OP thanked me for my nice comments to her earlier in the thread? Maybe you should RTFT. It seems you have the same disdain for sex that the OP had, hence why you seem to want to make excuses, without any thought for the husband. Perhaps you need to look at yourself, instead of attacking the majority of us who are seeing how much effort the DH is putting in, and how rare that is for men.

I didnt realise that getting pregnant and giving birth was one hell of a health risk . The shite that some people come out with to make their agenda more appealing! Unless they know the Op and is aware of underlying health conditions

Very, very wise post.