Husband says he wants out - but won't leave

[dogmama1]

He told me 5 days ago, he is done. Wants a divorce and wants the house sold and to be out.

Yet .... he's stayed. He does have places he could go seeing how desperate he is to be done with us. But he's choosing not too. He's sleeping on the sofa ... coming and going as he pleases. Not talking at all ...

It's agony.
I don't understand why if he feels so strongly about it, he wouldn't get away now. We have to sell the house of course, which he'd get 50% of. But hasn't made any movements yet to get that going.

I just feel completely lost and like this is crippling me.
I don't want this, and did tell him that when he told me. He told me he'd made his mind up and it didn't make a difference what I was saying.

I've been hiding myself away upstairs because it's all just too painful for me.
Why isn't he leaving?

That must be really horrible for you. Do you think he wants you to leave, so that he can stay in the house?

Do you have children together?

Do you think he's interested in someone else?

He told me he'd made his mind up and it didn't make a difference what I was saying.

He's completely switched off, hasn't he? Please don't ask him to stay. It'll make him feel good and make you feel awful.

I think it's highly likely there's another woman, tbh.

I don't think there is anyone else. He's always at home with me before this happened, evenings and weekends we spent together. His phone only works via text as the speaker is broken, and he's never on his phone...

No kids. But we have talked at length about starting a family next year.

I don't know why he expects me to leave. He knows I manage everything in this household. He'd never be here today if it wasn't for me. He didn't even have a bank account.

I just don't understand how someone can be so blunt that he wants out, he's miserable here. Even said 'it's making me sick and I need out' ... yet is choosing to stay put. Considering the house isn't even on the market yet - and with mortgage rates rising so the market slowing down... it could be months and month!!

@ICanHideButICantRun I did ask him to stay on Wednesday, I had to try.
But he made it perfectly clear I was wasting my breath. Even laughed at me.

Well I wouldn't leave the house, but I would put it on the market.

Could he be seeing someone from work? If both were married they wouldn't be meeting up outside work.

Do you have a shared bank account? I would be separating accounts immediately.

He sounds very cruel. Even if he does want to break up with you, there's no need to laugh at you. That's why I wonder about another woman - often their behaviour changes because they are relaying everything to the other woman.

Where is he going to when he goes out, do you know?

Whether it's his intention or not, it's a power play. You've just been relegated to someone unimportant and he considers he has the power. And he does because you want him back.

Go to a lawyer yourself without telling him and get the ball rolling. He's treating you like dirt (laughing at you when you asked him to stay). It's not ok.

Him ending it hurts terribly, but sadly this can happen. How he's now behaving is pure mean.

Don't engage with him, save your energy for getting a lawyer. It's hard, but you'll feel better when the control is not all in his hands.

He is being very cruel and probably hopes you will move out. Have you got friends and family to support you, does he have family who could talk sense into him and tell him how stressful this will be. It will be hard but can you try and just ignore his pathetic behaviour, do your own thing, move around the house freely, not do anything for him at all. Whats the situation with finances, pay half the bills, dont food shop for him, let the lounge become his pit. I would get all the paperwork together, sort out any joint finances speak to a solicitor and start divorce proceedings yourself. I would also record any conversations you have with him, ask him specifics like why he is staying if he is so unhappy, what will he do about the bills, dont leave the house to live elsewhere if you can manage, invite friends and family over. What a spiteful way to treat you.

@ICanHideButICantRun he doesn't appear to go out for longer yesterday morning he went out for about an hour and then came back and was out on the drive going his vehicle all day. I left home around 4pm to go to my mums and when I came home around 11pm he was on the sofa under the duvet.

This morning he's got up, gone out again for about an house. But he's back again now I believe out on the drive again.

He's being unbelievable cruel.
I've been completely blindsided by this. Only married 14 months, together 8 years. The last 6-8 months have been difficult, but nothing extreme or nothing I didn't think we could overcome.
Just usual bickering about nonsense... and I put alot of it down to work related stresses..

It was onto a few weeks ago we were discussing starting a family and our finances...
two weeks ago, he paid a further £200 to replace my broken engagement ring. It doesn't make sense.

But, I'm trying to accept the fact it is over. But it's so difficult when he's under my feet and I can see him coming and going.

Out of sight, out of mind would make this a lot easier for me.
I would leave? But we have 3 dogs. I left them home last night whilst at my mums, and he hadn't bothered to feed them and clearly hadn't bothered to get up off the sofa to let them out as one had done the toilet on the kitchen floor.

The other night, 2 days after he told me. He came home from work and was walking around the house humming.

OP this must be really difficult for you. I bet your head is all over the place.
Maybe say to him , we need a chat about what to do moving forward regarding the house etc. it sounds clear that things have ended in his mind, but then its not fair to leave you hanging like that. Hes playing mind games!.

Good luck.op x

Try and ignore him, wear earplugs or earbuds with your favourite music, try not to ask him to leave or stay, he will be out of your life soon.

I've luckily got amazing family around me and a very supportive best friend.

I told them all, almost immediately. I knew I needed to rip that bandaid off because if I didn't, I knew I'd be silently hoping this would blow over.
I've no idea who he's told, if anyone.
I'm almost certain he wouldn't of expected me to have told all those who I have. Probably only my mum, who i tell everything.

But I've told my mum and dad, sister, grandparents, best friend and work colleagues.

His family aren't the closest.
But he does have 3 siblings that all live within 15 minutes of us all of which have their own places. (Although they're all good for nothings)

He literally blames me for everything. Despite the fact I do EVERYTHING for him..
"I've made him sick" I've ruined him" "I'm fucking tapped" A C*nt" the list goes on...

My head is completely scrambled. I feel crippled with pain. It's unbearable.

This is very callous behaviour on his part. If he changed his mind, would you even want him back? I suggest seeing a solicitor and starting the divorce proceedings yourself to put the ball into his court.

Is the house jointly owned with 50/50 deposit?

I’d be getting it on the market asap.

My family's advise has been for me to stay put and for me not to initiate anything. They've said he wants this. He can deal with it.
(As I said above, I do absolutely everything normally for him)

Which, I do agree with. He can stand on his own two feet if he's big enough to walk away.
But, I can't understand why if this is as bad as he claims he's staying out through choice.

If it was me, if someone was making me feel the way he claims I have: I'd want out asap. I'd go stay somewhere else.... not like I wouldn't get my share of the house sale as it's in both names!

Solicitors' advice is always, if there is no risk of violence, to try to stay in the family home. I guess that applies to men as well as women. It means the other person feels pressured into putting the house on the market and getting the whole thing resolved as soon as possible because they can't feel comfortable.

If your DH feels comfortable, I guess he doesn't want to spend money going elsewhere. It must be horrible for you.

I think you just need to sell and get out asap.

The general advice is, where possible, don’t leave until the finances and sorted and house sold.

I get it’s upsetting for you. But it’s still his home and legally a shared asset. It often can be long and drawn out. It’s a very difficult process.

I am sorry for your pain.

You can't force him to leave and you can't control his behaviour. All you can do is focus on yourself and how you can get through this. Minimise conversation and contact as much as possible. Do nothing for him- no washing, no cooking, no shopping. Separate finances. Make a list of anything that needs to be done in the house pre house sale. Speak to a solicitor. Write down everything that needs done to extricate yourselves from the partnership and give him a written copy with a timescale for it all to be completed. Speak to a solicitor about making your date of separation legal, divorce takes time and living in the same house hold makes you vulnerable financially.

A house is a huge asset even if you only have a small amount of equity in it.

It would be risky for him or anyone to leave it in the hands of someone who may have no vested interest in it getting sold. Indeed who may just want to thwart a sale.

He will stay until it is sold if he doesn’t trust that you will be as motivated as him to split assets and divorce. That’s why he is staying.

He sounds an absolute peach, verbally abusing you, you will be so much better when he is gone. Womens Aid may be able to give you advice and you could ask about Legal Aid, if he is neglecting the dogs too he is just pathetic. Do you have room for friends or family to stay over with you, for moral support.

Having said all of that do not agree to an unfavourable financial agreement just to get rid of him. You have had a very short marriage so make sure that you leave with the money you are entitled to.

What @LemonTT has said. He's not going anywhere.

If you have anywhere you can go, I'd go as soon as possible. Like you've said, the sale of the house could take months...do you really want to live in misery with him that whole time?

This is just all so hard and painful...

I'm only 30. We had the rest of our lives together...
I'm just in such shock and blindsided...

I have no issue selling the home (well, Except for being absolutely devastated about it, we brought it aged 24/25, so was such a huge achievement for me) but, I know the split will be 50/50 and I'm not interested in trying to have him for anymore.

I have my mums I can move into after all is done and continue to save until I have a big deposit to buy again. Alone.
We should make about £36K each from the sale. Other than that, we both have separate cars etc. i am hoping this can be resolved without solicitors involved as that'll just be an added expense. And I'd rather not walk away out of pocket because of him.

I'm just shocked how someone who claims to still love me and care about me can be so so cruel.

OP, I'm sorry you are in this position.

He has someone else - I'd put money on that. The things he is saying tell us all we need to know. He is your enemy now, no matter what you were to each other in the past.

You are going through hell but I think you need to stay in the house. See a solicitor right away, get proper advice (but don't always trust solicitors, some give lousy advice, you might need to see a few to find a decent one. Ask around, maybe you know someone with a good lawyer). If you move out, he might delay and take forever to split your shared assets. Not to mention moving his new love in. My ex (I was wife 1) moved wife 2 out of the house in the morning, and wife 3 into the house after lunch. Sell up asap.

Find your hard shell and live inside it until you are safely rid of him.