Husband says he wants out - but won't leave

[dogmama1]

He told me 5 days ago, he is done. Wants a divorce and wants the house sold and to be out.

Yet .... he's stayed. He does have places he could go seeing how desperate he is to be done with us. But he's choosing not too. He's sleeping on the sofa ... coming and going as he pleases. Not talking at all ...

It's agony.
I don't understand why if he feels so strongly about it, he wouldn't get away now. We have to sell the house of course, which he'd get 50% of. But hasn't made any movements yet to get that going.

I just feel completely lost and like this is crippling me.
I don't want this, and did tell him that when he told me. He told me he'd made his mind up and it didn't make a difference what I was saying.

I've been hiding myself away upstairs because it's all just too painful for me.
Why isn't he leaving?

@dogmama1 My situation happened just before the first lockdown, he’ had developed feelings for his co worker and decided to end our marriage after we’d returned from a holiday celebrating our wedding anniversary. We were also getting over a miscarriage and had signed up for a second round of IVF.

what helped me at first was talking things through with my mum, I then signed up for counselling as I felt sick, I couldn’t eat, I’d lost wait and would just burst into tears.

He did a great job of making me feel worthless, and he blamed me for the decisions he was making, apparently it was all my fault. I did not recognise him as the man I married at all.

Counselling really helped me get through the initial period , to deal with the shock- It was good to have someone who didn’t t know me or my ex and who I could be complete open with- I really recommend it.

Wow @Maze76 our situations sounds so similar, except I don't know if their is a OW.

I'm so sorry to hear that happen to you, it's so cruel. I guess for the time being I just have to keep going as I am, take each day one step at a time.

So are you currently still living in the home with him? X

My worry for you about legal advice, OP, is that however amicable the arrangement that you make with him is, how can you possibly trust him to follow through? And what then if you have no actual legal agreement? It might be worth getting a short appointment with a really top solicitor - not as someone else said a bog standard one who will tell you what you can find out yourself on google. Don't worry about what peopel think when you go out and go back to work this week. Anyone who knows you and him, will think that you have seen sense and got rid, and will be glad for you. He sounds a nightmare. Be good to yourself and do NOTHING for him around the house - no meals, no clearing up after, no laundry - nothing. Hoping it all works out soon.

@dogmama1 sounds like my ex. He wanted out but wouldn’t go. He was a pig. He DID have someone else. I worked my *rse off and bought him out, nearly killed me but I stretched myself and did it. I divorced him on the grounds of his unreasonable behaviour, which took the wind right out of his sails. We split everything down the middle and I gave him half the equity. Best thing I ever did. You can agree stuff between but you may need to get it written up by a solicitor. Take control of this; get who is responsible for what, documented. Don’t let him take any more from you.

Are u sure he hasn’t taken out more cards ( maybe with some paid off on the other cards he has better credit and was able to get one ) and wants the house sale money to pay it off ( u said he hasn’t a clue )
i’d be doing some digging
but as pp have said , do nothing for him
be very vigilant financially, split any joint accounts asap
do not listen to any love bombing when he realises his ‘life PA ‘ isn’t playing any more

I really do wish u all the best
and 30 , it’s nothing , you will look back on your time with him and feel nothing but relief that u are out of it

@dogmama1 Yes we are still living in the same house. It was really hard when this first happened, I’d watch him leave the house on Saturdays to go see her, that really hurt.
unfortunately the house has taken longer to sell than expected but fingers crossed I should exchange end of the month- and then he’s gone!

I can't imagine how hard that must have been @Maze76. So how long in total has it been?

If ours end up being the same, I will likely stay at my mums half the time. For my own mental well-being, I think...

You don't deserve this OP - of course you don't. Consider the sensible advice that you've been given and stay strong. There's no shame in this.

I left a seven year relationship at 31. It was awful. But at 38 I was happy - and a mother - something that I'd always wanted to be. So it can happen.

@dogmama1 It’s been 2 years, I got my decree absolute last month.

Thank you for sharing this @oldbrownjug - I'm sorry to hear you experienced similar.

This forum has really helped me today. I will definitely keep updated as the advise given is amazing. Just hearing from women who've been through similar and come out the other side is such a reassurance.

@Maze76 woooow, that's a long time.
Was there any obvious reasons why it took so long?

I'm glad your heading towards freedom. I hope you find your happiness very soon.

Sorry to be blunt but I think he has someone else the wa@@@ good luck darling x

@dogmama1 I’m so sorry you are going through this it’s such a shock and he is certainly not making it any easier.
I don’t have any great advice like others on here but just wanted to say stop being so hard on yourself. Reading through your post it’s like you feel you should have noticed but why would you? You were in love and trusted this man for a long time. Relationships have ups and downs so why wouldn’t you assume that you would work through them like normal people. You helped with the loans to pay off his debt something I would do for my husband and no way can I predict the future if he would leave or not. Be good to yourself, be kind, you aren’t the first person to find yourself here and won’t be the last. We trust the people we love and unfortunately sometimes they let us down, it’s not your fault. Things will get easier but like you I would not leave the house either, stay there and protect your asset and that will set you up on the next chapter of your life. I’m glad you have supportive family and friends. Good luck ❤️

Thank you @WishIhadacrystalball

Your very right. It's just hard to be kind to yourself in these situations. Leave you questioning alot about your self.

the problem with the debt is its in your name doesnt matter if you done it for him legally its on you and he can refuse to pay it so id see a solictor just for some advice on that

put the house up yourself doesnt cost anything to list with an ea just check you wont be charged an early repayment fee o your mortgage

I'm sorry you're going through this, it sounds incredibly painful. I know first hand how manipulative men can be, his nicey nice with you sounds like he was putting on the image of who he wanted to be seen as at that time. But had perhaps checked out a while ago. I know someone who was with his ex for a few years and had wanted to break up but then she got pregnant and he then stayed until the baby was a toddler but when he left he'd pretty much broken up with her mentally already but for her it was brutal because she hadn't seen it coming, engaged and on the surface a normal relationship.
From what you've said though, I wouldn't be surprised if he'd found himself in more debt again and a divorce is one way to recuperate the funds. I would have thought if there was another woman he would have moved out, or you would have noticed his daily pattern change. If he did have another woman I bet she wouldn't be happy with him staying with his ex and so he likely would have upped and left. To me sounds like a mixture of finance issues and perhaps continuing with a relationship, playing the part, when he should have left you before. The cruelty perhaps his outlet as he's too emotionally immature to accept his decisions and take responsibility for stringing you along essentially.

However, as hard as it is now, it's going to be such a relief to you when this is all done and dusted and you one day meet someone who loves you how you deserve to be loved. And this will be a horribly sad and painful chapter, but closed and a new much happier chapter ahead. Stay strong and find your happiness without him ❤️

@dogmama1 Thank you, it’s taken a while selling the house for a number of reasons, COVID-19, we had a buyer drop out, piss poor estate agent ( my ex picked them ) then this mess with cost of living .. Hit a few bumps with the divorce in that my ex doesn’t read documents correctly so that caused a delay.. if I told you everything you just wouldn’t believe it.. my mum thinks I should write a book!

like you I believe I got duped by the ex. It’s only recently dawned on me that his previous relationship ended after 6 years, they shared a house but never married. When I asked him what happened his answer was - “she thought I had cheated on her’ and he made out that she was this awful person. Knowing what I know now- I believe he did cheat, she got married and has 2 children- I think my ex was the problem!

I get that but please be good to yourself, you deserve it. It’s not your fault and you didn’t see this coming when you get married you think it’s for life or else why would we bother. Lots of great advice on here to help you along the way x

Is it possible that he may have lost his job and is not leaving because he has no where to go ?

I might not be understanding...you say that his debt is in your name but you want him to pay the proportional share of it? You really, really should get a lawyer immediately; I would be very surprised if he cooperates with a fair redistribution of the debt. You might end up needing to assert an interest in his pension to get anywhere on the debt point. Take care!

I had this.

Except there was another woman. When it comes down to it, it makes no difference why. I thought I didn't want to lose him.

But the point is, my whole world crashed around me. My marriage ended just before we were planning a family. I sold our house... my whole life plan felt in tatters.

Fast forward 4 years and I am so happy in myself. I didn't realise how unhappy I was in my marriage. I was devastated at the time and looking back it was a total blessing in disguise.

I've had the baby I longed for with a man who loves and respects me.

You will get through this and you will find happiness alone and perhaps (if you want) with someone else.

Stay strong.

I'm sorry you're going through this.

If it helps, this was me 5 years ago. I was 29. Except I was in the UK (foreign) and my husband of 8 months just up and left me. Decided marriage wasn't for him and he didn't love me anymore. Was a huge shock. I thought maybe there was someone else but in the end, no (and he appears to still be single to this day), he just panicked or woke up and realized I wasn't it for him. It was soul crushing.

Even more soul crushing was leaving the country, moving abroad and realizing I was pregnant. But it's 5 years on, I have an amazing DC, I'm getting married next month to the man of my dreams, have a great job and a gorgeous house. When XH first left, I wanted to walk into traffic and end it all. I couldn't sleep, couldn't eat, barely could breathe. It was destroying me. And then each day it gets a bit less. And then a bit less. And then one day it doesn't even hurt anymore. I can e-mail XH pictures of our DC (whom he hasn't even met), and I was able to work out the divorce without any emotion. He's just basically a stranger out there in the world that I occasionally correspond with.

I really hope with time you get to where I am.

This really helped me understand my grief as I mourned my marriage and the man I thought my husband was:

www.hospiscare.co.uk/how-we-help/advice-support/talking-about-death-and-dying/why-grief-is-like-a-ball-in-a-box/

Look on the bright side, and there really IS a bright side. You’re young, you haven’t had kids with him, you have plenty of time to fall in love with someone who is your EQUAL. I mean, honestly, you’d have to be pretty useless to not even have a bank account. How on earth does someone earn money without a bank account?

My husband, if we were to split, if we were at war with each other even, would never call me a cunt. He just wouldn’t. He sounds both awful, and a bit useless!

Call a real estate agent today, tidy up the house, and get ready to sell. Start looking for your own house/flat. Get legal advice. You know, I’m almost excited for you. In a year you will be rid of him, and set up in your own place, and happy. It really is that possible. Start the ball rolling now before he changes his mind! Make sure your next partner respects you, and doesn’t rely on you for basic life skills

Also, cancel your joint credit card in case he racks up more debt.

OP - THIS is why you MUST get a solicitor.

Your H has already run up considerable debt & manipulated you into transferring that debt into your own name.
That is such a prime piece of sneakiness you CANNOT allow yourself to be vulnerable to any more financial predations.
He could be taking out loans against the house, he could rack up overdrafts in any joint accounts - it is IMPERATIVE that you document your current situation & have your finances witnessed by your solicitor.

Sorry about all the CAPS but if you think your H is above punishing you financially for his midemeanors, you are being appallingly naive. Look at how he is prepared to emotionally wound you: he finished with you in a coldly cruel way that leaves you trapped with him & the pain he has caused, he even laughed at you ... a man who is happy to cause & witness the pain you are feeling & refuse to remove the source of that pain (himself) is going to screw you financially without a qualm, if that's what he feels like doing.