Husband says he wants out - but won't leave

[dogmama1]

He told me 5 days ago, he is done. Wants a divorce and wants the house sold and to be out.

Yet .... he's stayed. He does have places he could go seeing how desperate he is to be done with us. But he's choosing not too. He's sleeping on the sofa ... coming and going as he pleases. Not talking at all ...

It's agony.
I don't understand why if he feels so strongly about it, he wouldn't get away now. We have to sell the house of course, which he'd get 50% of. But hasn't made any movements yet to get that going.

I just feel completely lost and like this is crippling me.
I don't want this, and did tell him that when he told me. He told me he'd made his mind up and it didn't make a difference what I was saying.

I've been hiding myself away upstairs because it's all just too painful for me.
Why isn't he leaving?

Wow, @Rtmhwales , your XH has never bothered to meet his child? 😱
That’s unbelievable, you and your child are well shot of him, I’m so glad you’ve found happiness. 💐

*Are you sure he hasn’t taken out more cards ( maybe with some paid off on the other cards he has better credit and was able to get one ) and wants the house sale money to pay it off ( u said he hasn’t a clue )
i’d be doing some digging
Good idea by @Mercedesbenz2022 *

Check your credit rating and see what debts there are against your name. Do this regularly whilst you are going through the separation and until you get your financial agreement is complete/you get your decree absolute. This man would have no problem dumping further problems on you from a great height so do protect yourself. There are a few credit rating companies, eg Equifax or Experian but there are others. 🌹

Quick update -

My work colleagues sister is a solicitor, she called her today and asked her if she could answer a few questions off mine off the record (free), which she did and want really helpful.

She said I stand in good stead where I am currently, in regards to the loan, she said it could get complicated if he starts to claim it isn't his. She asked if I have any evidence that it is his and that I did this to help him, which I do! I have emailed between myself and his mum, she also asked if that was before we married, which it was.

She said the credit cards will be split undoubtably. Which I was fine with.
She said because we have no other substantial assets besides the house, and give this would be considered a short marriage (I winsed at that, makes me feel so small) that a court would almost positively split 50:50.

So, in that sense, I feel safe.
She advised me not to leave the home no matter how uncomfortable, but if I feel I need to sleep elsewhere a few nights as week that would be fine.

She also advised that if it's achievable, to settle the divorce without a solicitor.

Today I went back to work for the first day, I'm really proud of myself. No tears, I only welled up once when talking about it.
He came home from work and I was upstairs, he came up got changed, went down, cooked his tea and sat and ate it. So I thought, fuck it.... I'm going to ask if he's sorted anything regarding valuations etc yet.

So I said ' have you sorted anything regarding all this yet',
He mumbled something, to which I said what?
He then said 'no, what, I was waiting for you' I replied ' waiting for me for what?' To which he replied ' well your the one who hasn't spoken to me for days'
( shocking, even now he's still blaming me and only me!!)
To which I said 'we have nothing to talk about' and he then said 'well if you want to talk we can about the house or whatever'
To which I replied ' we haven't nothing to talk about, just get it done' and left.

He's unbelievable - I haven't spoken to him for days. I've been in this house, in our bedroom for days on end. At any point he could of come to me and said this is what I'm doing xyz..... waiting for me?? Why would I be doing anything!! He initiated this, he wanted it, so desperately. I didn't ... don't be expecting me to do the leg work for you anymore mate! On your own. I'm looking out for me now. And me only.

Typical. He's now going to start turning everything on you to make himself feel like the 'victim' (DARVO). I think the less conversation you have with him, the better. And I think it would be wise to get your own valuations. Don't rely on him to be honest in anything going forward.

There's nothing 'wrong' with someone wanting to leave a marriage if they no longer want to be there. But that person can at least have the integrity to admit that 'it's them, not you' and not try to make it into the other person's 'fault'.

And it sounds to me as if he's used to you doing all his 'life admin' for him so he expects you to do all his 'divorce admin' too. Fuck that. And fuck him and the horse he rode in on!

@AcrossthePond55 hahahaha! The ending of that message - so true!

I know, he's unbelievable. Even with the ' You haven't spoken me to for days.' To me that translates to, you haven't been grovelling these past few days. Because he's had access to me for the last week... just like he initiated the split, he could initiate the conversation of house sales etc.

I will also get my own valuations. I'll most likely always be here anyway, I finish work at 3pm.
Him at 4.30pm and he can't actually put it up for sale without my agreement. So, he can't do shit in theory, but seeing that he's the want desperate to be out. He can kick off the proceedings, once that begins, I'll kick into action.

Although I still feel broken, I feel I'm starting to find my anger. I'm so so glad I made the choice to be open about this and pour into my friends and family, because I believe that's made a huge difference.
Also Mumsnet - some of the advice or encouragement on here is immeasurable. It means a lot!

Well done, OP, we’re all rooting for you.

@dogmama1

The best thing to do is to keep that anger and stoke it! Doesn't mean the hurt isn't still there, but the anger will let you move forward and also help you to protect yourself and defend your own interests. There will be time to deal with the hurt later. Right now you need to stay angry.

It's pretty incredible that he's dumped this in your lap and expects you to make it easy for him! What an asshole. You just stay one step ahead of him and let him flounder around. It may work to your eventual advantage!

Well done OP. Better times are ahead. Another vote for this being a blessing in disguise.

I think we all know who will come out of this the better. We'll done, op. You will soon wonder what you ever saw in him. X

Hi op. I don’t know why he’s suddenly decided this but he sounds absolutely pathetic and useless and you’re well rid of him.

Thank you everyone.

I have to ask for a second hand hold. I know I'm going to have to sell my home during this situation ... my question is, how do I be ok with that? I feel like I'm almost struggling with that thought more so than I am loosing him.
I know it's just bricks. But it's home. I feel like it's going to be so painful to let go of it. Even the thought of having it valuated makes me feel sick with panic. I can't imagine how I'm going to bare having people in here viewing it..

I know it's a must. Just wondering if anyone else has had to do this after divorce? And words of wisdom?

Of course you're struggling with selling the house more than losing him. The house is your HOME and you're rapidly learning that he's just an asshole.

You don't have to be 'ok' with it, but you do have to accept it. It's OK to grieve it and be sad, too. My nan used to say "What cannot be cured must be endured" and it's true. You're stronger than you know and you'll get through this. And once it's over, you'll be stronger yet. And you will find another 'home'. Maybe not tomorrow, but someday.

I think in the UK the owners 'show' the houses? In the US it's all done by the realtor, in fact they don't want the owners there when prospective buyers come. Can you arrange for the estate agent to show yours? Or tell Mr A-hole that he'll need to show the house if he wants it sold.

You will have a new home and one that is yours to do with as you want. He is acting like the entitled selfish prick he is and you are far better off without him. A doctor told me that when my then H left one day without saying anything - she said give it a year and you will be so grateful and she was right! Sometimes I think people get panicked by something that is coming up eg trying for a baby. We were in the middle of a house purchase. He WILL blame you because he cannot be seen to be guilty and right now it will be all about his happiness! Prick! People break up all the time but it is HOW they do it and your H like mine is a prick as they did it so sharply and with no warning and all the blame. You will get over this and you will have a better life. Believe me. Best of luck !

@dogmama1 Hi just read your update and want to tell you that you are doing so well. With the benefit of my experience I will say, you take control and get three house valuations from 3 estate agents.
your solicitor friend is right, the less you use solicitors for financial the better- I couldn’t communicate with my ex so I contacted a company called Mediate UK.- they are excellent, they facilitated mediation to come to a financial agreement for house sale etc, and this was signed off by the judge during the divorce process.
I was so upset about losing my home, after every thing we did make it ours- but as time goes on your feelings change.
No doubt I will shed a few tears on moving day- but that will be it, I will leave the sadness behind and concentrate on the brighter future ahead- you will too.

I too had to sell our family home in a divorce. We had lived there for a long while and raised our family there. We had renovated it and I loved that house. But at the end of the day it's just bricks and mortar.

And I bought a much smaller property as it was all I could afford on my half if the proceeds but I grew to love that house too. It was all mine and I decorated it to my taste and it was so refreshing to do exactly as I wanted.

Stay positive, you will come out happier and stronger

This new home will be just as loved op.it won't seem like it now.but it might actually be more loved.because it will completely yours.to do what you want.it will mould around you and be your haven and your new safe space.it will be marking the freedom,the fight,strength you have.every colour every chair every new spillage of tea on the carpet will be yours!
You can't have that here anymore. But you can miss it.and miss how you've grown in it.and miss the skirting,and shelves you can miss all of It! But you can then also accept that this was a much moved part of your life.but you can go onwards to find more.richer,just as loved parts.
Is there something particular you could perhaps take or something? My mum took a rosebush from her.and some really old retro glass trifle bowls! And they forever remind her of the old house.

It will be wrench to let the house go, but, the feeling you will get when you are through all this and safely and peacefully installed in a new one, is incomparable. It might be half the size, it might have horrendous wallpaper and getting there will take work, but it will be yours and most importantly, he won't be in it!

I clung onto the family home for longer than I should and looking back I wish I'd have just ripped off the plaster.

Letting go of the house is the key to moving on, you can do it, peace and happiness awaits you!

Well it's obvious to me that what's freaked him is your talk of having kids. You said, "It was onto a few weeks ago we were discussing starting a family"

He is getting out before it's too late.

@dogmama1 about your home. Buy him out. Take a loan from your folks, take a lodger, take a weekend job, just make it happen. You'll survive. Never a good idea to hop off the property ladder.

@Watchthesunrise if that was the case, then he should of been a man and sat down with his wife and partner of 9 years and communicated that.
He didn't need to be so brutal, malicious and continuously cruel about it. Regardless of the reasons, I'd of been broken hearted. But, this behaviour is just cruel and completely undeserved.

Thank you for all your honest responses and for sharing your experiences with me. Todays been a really bad day for me, ALOT of tears and a panic attack. So thankful for my family, they've rallied so much today.

I think I'm overwhelming myself a little, I've gone into a slight fight or flight mode. My mum grounded me a little bit today in reminding me it's only been a week today, I'm still in shock and grieving the loss of my marriage. Which is absolutely true. I'm also grieving the man I once knew.

I'm going to allow the house sale.. it's going to absolutely tear me apart. But, I know for my future that's the right decision. I should walk away from this with a very reasonable sum of money, I have somewhere I can immediately move into (my mums) and places to store furniture etc free. I know I'm going to need some emotional support for a little while during and once this is all done and final. I'm very mindful of my mental health, as I've suffered depression terribly before and I'm doing my upmost to not fall backwards, so I think not being alone for a while will serve me well. I earn a good wage, so I should be able to maximise my savings within a year. I will then start thinking about purchasing a home of my own. And as for a baby, I'm absolutely capable and happy to do that alone. (IUI Treatmeant) I will also save some of my savings for that eventuality should that be what I decide. It's not conventional I know.. but, I've tried conventional, and it landed me with a big Fuxk ALL.

But, I've a looooooong way to go before then. Just trying to put one foot infront of the other at the moment, and tripping, ALOT.

I'm so glad this journey is coming to an end for you @Maze76 - I can't even begin to imagine how tough you've had to be to endure this for aslong as you have.
Have you got plans for when it's all finalised? You may have mentioned previously, as if so I apologise..

@dogmama1 I am in the process of buying a flat, it will be the first time living alone and I’m excited! I know my disposable income will take a hit, but I don’t care. I will be free!

@Maze76 congratulations. I'm truly happy for you. I hope you get everything you want and deserve and I hope he doesn't.

hey @dogmama1 it's going to take time. I'm so glad you've got your Mum for support.

You mentioned depression previously, it might be worth seeing if your GP can get you a referral for talking therapy. The waiting time is so long, if you go on a list now - perhaps when an appointment comes round (which could be upto 6 months in some areas) you'll really appreciate it at that time. If not, you can always withdraw from the list.

I think when any relationship ends like this - it's worth talking to someone properly about it.

I really can't believe this guy - I just want to remind you how young you are. I got married at 35yrs old. Bought a house. Pregnant at 38yrs old. There was a time in my early 30s where I wondered if it was going to happen for me at all (after leaving a long term relationship) but it all did.

It's going to be a rough few months, there's no way around it. Divorcing but living together is so tough but there will be light at the end of it all. You deserve so much better.

He’s lazy as feck, that’s why he’s not leaving.