Husband says he wants out - but won't leave

[dogmama1]

He told me 5 days ago, he is done. Wants a divorce and wants the house sold and to be out.

Yet .... he's stayed. He does have places he could go seeing how desperate he is to be done with us. But he's choosing not too. He's sleeping on the sofa ... coming and going as he pleases. Not talking at all ...

It's agony.
I don't understand why if he feels so strongly about it, he wouldn't get away now. We have to sell the house of course, which he'd get 50% of. But hasn't made any movements yet to get that going.

I just feel completely lost and like this is crippling me.
I don't want this, and did tell him that when he told me. He told me he'd made his mind up and it didn't make a difference what I was saying.

I've been hiding myself away upstairs because it's all just too painful for me.
Why isn't he leaving?

Get to a solicitor NOW. Given what you've just learnt I don't think you'll be able to divorce without one.

Personally, I think he's giving you the silent treatment to* *try and drive you out of the house. Maybe he thinks if you are the one to leave that he'll 'get the house' and be able to settle his debts. So whatever you do, do NOT leave unless you are specifically instructed to do so by a solicitor.

I'm in the US so don't know how it works in the UK. Is there a way to check to see if there have been any liens put on the house or if it's been used as collateral for loans?

Not that it matters, but with debt like that my money is on a gambling addiction.

And no, do not say a single word. Silence is your best weapon.

You need a lawyer now. And, annoying as it is to have to sort his mess out and organise the divorce, you need to do it ASAP, as the longer you wait it could cost you money.

Finally, and this is not legal advice, but common sense advice or ‘what I would do’, is start keeping cash for yourself. If you don’t regularly withdraw cash anymore, so it would look a bit pointed on bank statements, I would withdraw an extra 50 when you get there groceries. Maybe 100 every payday (explained as incidentals for the month), etc. I’d give it to my Mum and wouldn’t feel bad at all.

I’d also think about getting a credit card of my own and buying a ton of stuff to match his, but common sense would kick in soon that it’s a waste of money AND I’d lose the moral high ground with him.

*give it to your mum to keep for you, I mean

Ok , please please check your own name in case he has any in your name
maybe not but 100% something you need to know about
get to a solicitor pronto too
hard head on now

If it were me, I would look to buy him out of the house as quickly as possible.
I know you said it'll be a burden financially, but I think the fact he is in so much debt, he might take the money offered and run;,

People like him think, this is a quick fix for his "Debts". He'll be sorted, but they longer you are with him the more he'll push to make his debts yours and with that he'll come after more money.

Take whatever help you can get from your family and get rid of him as quickly as possible. He is a disaster. He is going to continue building debt, its going to get worse.

The fact that you now have this information is giving you power. If he finds out you know this, its going to get a lot nastier.
I know you said you always have to organise everything, but in this case its long term gain for you. He will never get himself organised to sell the house. The stress of living in that house with him will drive you insane.

Your family are right, take back control. Don't tell him what you are doing/planning regarding a house sale/divorce. Just do it. If he wants out so badly he'll agree to the house sale, as it does appear he doesn't want you to know how bad his debts have become.

Hopefully your latest update will give you the anger and strength to get out quickly.
At this point I wouldn't give a shit if there was another OW involved, he's not your problem anymore!

I would do everything I could to hold onto the house.

It is so expensive to start all over again.

If you bought him out and took over the mortgage. If its a 3-bed home you could look to take in a female lodger for about 2/3 years until you are back on your feet financially. I know this is something you never envisaged, but you are only 30. Start making plans for yourself.

There are always options.

I feel so much more in control now.
Everything makes so much sense, he's been punishing me for his misery. Self inflicted...
i just can't believe I didn't see/notice.... I haven't seen any credit cards?? No letters ... I'm always home first. Where is he hiding it all!!!

I'm not going to let him know I know. I will now swing into action and start getting myself sorted, look at my options, seek a little legal advice, and leave him a sitting duck. Because all the while, he's getting more and more over his head.. and being cocky with it, thinking I don't know.

But when I do let him know I know, the face will be priceless. To be outsmarted .. oh, I couldn't of asked for a better victory in all this shit.

Have you also ran a credit check on yourself? He knows all your details? Maybe he's taken out credit in your name too.
If he has, call the cops.

I've checked mine and cross reference the both. No linking correspondence shown. My credit score is significantly higher also.

What an absolute arsehole! The money might be related to gambling, drugs or something else.

Try and lean on your family as much as possible. I’m sure they’d be happy to help.

I feel so much more in control now.

I'm not going to let him know I know. I will now swing into action and start getting myself sorted, look at my options, seek a little legal advice, and leave him a sitting duck. Because all the while, he's getting more and more over his head.. and being cocky with it, thinking I don't know.
Ha ha ha the idiot has galvanised you into action!
Absolutely do not let him know. And let your secret knowledge help you power through the unpleasant process of legal division of assets.

But when I do let him know I know, the face will be priceless. To be outsmarted .. oh, I couldn't of asked for a better victory in all this shit.
Savour it OP.
Once you've got confirmation from a lawyer that you will be able to demand that his debt is NOT going to be part of the 50/50 split, i.e. you will not be penalised by it & are not going to need to pay a penny toward it.

I suspect PP are correct - this will enrage him, but he will be too desperate to see his % of the equity cash to be able to string out any objections.

It gets so much worse guys ....

The previous debt is mentioned earlier down in the convo. After we'd just brought our home, he went running to his parents who forced him to tell me. Which he allowed me to put in my name, totally £27,000 with interest.... (Stupid, I know but I'd just brought a house with this man, I was in love and probably a little naive at 24) he cut up those cards infront of me. BUT never closed the accounts, he then continued to rack up debt for the following 5 years. On our wedding day, he was in £10K worth, now it's up to £22K he was willing to allow me to believe I was the reason we were splitting up and having to sell out home so he could get money to help his debt - it's mind blowing.

I'm not sad anymore. I've severed that emotional cord. Now I'm angry.

If he wants this house up for sale. He'll have to take me to court, and with not a pot to piss in. Good luck. I've got so much proof now of continuous financial infidelity, I've got conversations between his parents and myself detailing it all the first time around, and I will have again when all this comes to light. As his mother isn't one to defend him, not with this behaviour. She's been fucked over before.

No debt in my name - I'm checking everyday. Their is no link on my credit. Only thing joint is our mortgage.
His mum knows how little he put into this deposit and how much I've spent bailing him out. I think he'll cave if I'm honest. Even if he makes us sell this home - he's gaining NOTHING.

I cannot believe how delusional I've been though. I've really let this man belittle and bully me, he's mentally abused me for years. But he'd convinced me so much that I was sick I genuinely believed it was all me. I even posted in another thread once on here, under a diff name, detailing a incident that happened in one of the arguments, where I lashed out and hit him in the face... he told me about a month after he was punishing me. On that thread, so many people told me I was an abuser and if it was a man he'd be pinned for it etc and again, I believed it, because that's what he'd tell me.
I knew deep down I wasn't an abuser. I don't hurt people. That's not who I am. But when you're told it enough. It sticks.

I'm devastated that what I thought was my life has infact been a complete lie. Did this man even ever love me? 9 years wasted. The future I thought I had, gone. It's a process ... but knowing this isn't me. It's him, had placed my head firmly back high.

You guys are amazing by the way!!
So much advice and helpful sharing of experiences. Thank you.

Also, it's clear he's been redirecting all the Mail for these accounts to his brothers address. Hence, not coming across any letters.

The cards - I've no idea.
They definitely are not kept on his wallet or in the house. Possibly his car? But don't know.

The money, and where it's gone. It anyones guess. I've never once seen him flash with cash.
He hasn't been spending more lavishly. Infact, he's a complete tight ass and doesn't foot the bill for anything and if he does, he asked me to transfer half. Infact, I haven't seen him buy anything for himself in ages! So really stumped on that - potentially gambling... but seen no obvious warning signs.

Why he's done it makes no sense. When we've paid all our bills etc, he should have atleast £500-600 to himself for the rest of the month. More than enough when he owns his car outright, and works 5 days a week. We don't eat out much at all. Takeaway once a week but I pay mostly...

That's risky. If he stops paying the bills and the mortgage, will you be able to cover it all yourself? He could stop paying his share then you'll end up paying more or you'll end up in debt. I really do think you need to get the house sold and cut ties with this man.

This is quite complicated financially, so I would get a shl ( shit hot lawyer ) and get some sound legal advice , you don’t want to be making an expensive mistake for lack of knowledge.

he may take a smaller amount of money due to being desperate or it could go the other way and he plays hard ball , again cos he is desperate for as much money as possible,

please get legal advice !
it will be money well spent

( I remember your other thread , and thought you got a hard time tbh, I could feel your frustration at the situation he put you in )

chin up , you can do this

I'm going to make arrangements to see if I can talk to my friends family member who is a solicitor.. she was super helpful last time and when it comes down to it if I need to pay, I will and I know my family will support me.

I can cover the bills alone and still have change. So that's not a concern for me.

I even posted in another thread once on here, under a diff name, detailing a incident that happened in one of the arguments, where I lashed out and hit him in the face... he told me about a month after he was punishing me. On that thread, so many people told me I was an abuser and if it was a man he'd be pinned for it etc and again, I believed it, because that's what he'd tell me. *
*
I'm sorry op - He has been awful, but there's still no excuse for hitting him
In the face, and still trying to justify or minimise it.

Excellent! Good legal advice is worth its weight in gold.

As his mother isn't one to defend him, not with this behaviour. She's been fucked over before.

I think you need to think carefully here. He IS her son and some people will stick by their children in a divorce, even if that child is a real shit. And also, how likely is she to be on your side if the alternative is HER having to bail him out?

It's pretty obvious his brother is 'aiding and abetting' if he's having mail directed there. He would know your H is hiding something, even if he doesn't know exactly what that something is. How likely is it that his brother has mentioned this to their mother? Again, she isn't going to want him landing on her doorstep so how far would she go to keep him right where he is?

I guess my point is assume nothing about her reactions and do not take her into your confidence.

My money is on gambling. Easy to conceal, doesn't take much time to place bets or pull a few slot handles, and results in massive losses. No 'tell tails' like with substance abuse or cheating.

I agree wholeheartedly with this. Quite shocked to read that OP thinks the fact he’s an arse gave her the right to hit him in the face!! Putting your hands on another person is never, ever excusable unless you’re being physically attacked and it’s self defence.

Of course the guy is a shitbag and OP is well rid of him. But no one would have sympathy with a man who “lashed out” in frustration and hit his partner in the face. It shouldn’t be different because the sexes are reversed. But self-reflection needed OP - you’ve been violent and that’s not ok.

If you understood more about the dynamics of coercive control you wouldn't have made that comment @ladydimitrescu

queenbeeing.com/what-is-reactive-abuse/

Do you feel better now @ExhaustedFlamingo?
So much fun to have a pop at a woman when she's already struggling isn't it?
I imagine your little lecture has cured all OP's ills & will magically make the huge marital debt her H has run up disappear ...

You are another PP who would do well to learn more about how coercive control works. Or you may find yourself in a real life situation with a friend or family member, dishing out inappropriate & unhelpful homilies:

queenbeeing.com/what-is-reactive-abuse/

He’s doing you a favour at some level. He hates himself and can’t admit how useless he is. At least you can get out now and keep your eyes open going into the next one. Good luck!!

@KettrickenSmiled - my comment stands. If a man had posted this we all know the reaction would be completely different.
I am in no way attempting to add to ops distress, and she has absolutely been mentally abused and needs to get out, her Dh is a complete arse. However, a line was crossed hitting his face, and I don't believe minimising that as acceptable is helpful in any way moving forward.

You obvs didn't bother reading the informative link I posted for you @ladydimitrescu

And your sex-reversal theory is immaterial as it is a false equivalence.
You are failing to consider the power differential.