Husband says he wants out - but won't leave

[dogmama1]

He told me 5 days ago, he is done. Wants a divorce and wants the house sold and to be out.

Yet .... he's stayed. He does have places he could go seeing how desperate he is to be done with us. But he's choosing not too. He's sleeping on the sofa ... coming and going as he pleases. Not talking at all ...

It's agony.
I don't understand why if he feels so strongly about it, he wouldn't get away now. We have to sell the house of course, which he'd get 50% of. But hasn't made any movements yet to get that going.

I just feel completely lost and like this is crippling me.
I don't want this, and did tell him that when he told me. He told me he'd made his mind up and it didn't make a difference what I was saying.

I've been hiding myself away upstairs because it's all just too painful for me.
Why isn't he leaving?

And OP, I am currently leaving a controlling DP and we have sadly lost 4 babies and been trying 3.5 years. I’m 35. I’m going it alone too — will have to do IVF but fine! I think it will actually be even nicer in some ways - as we shared glowy times thinking of our children but in terms of support largely he has been at “whatever placates her” rather than anything helpful. Through all my losses I’ve felt very alone and had to do the majority of heavy lifting on top of the actual process of giving birth (stillbirth) and losing my earlier babies. So I’m looking forward to going on the new journey NOT being disappointed by someone who makes it all about him, but with my lovely mum who always makes things cheery.

sorry if youve already said but is there anyway you can buy him out so you dont have to leave?

Dogmama, here's some solidarity from the remarkable ChumpLady -
www.chumplady.com/2022/11/trying-to-divorce-when-the-cheater-wont-move-out/

Thinking of you x

Jesus, your entitlement is something else.

He has as much right to be there as you do considering its his house too. Why should he have to move out just because you're uncomfortable now?

There's always one.
Good luck, OP

It's not entitled not to want to live under the same roof of a man who has just told you it's over, has been cruel to you for 7 months. & who has deliberately racked up debts in your name @MonsteraDeliciosas

It's a totally normal human response.

He's the one who wants to split.
A decent partner would make room for their spouse's grief by moving out, & not expect them to leave the marital home with their DC just because he wants a divorce.

Oh fuck off

@Teaandtoast35 I'm so sorry to hear this, it sounds like you've been through a truly horrific time, one I can only imagine was made all the worse without a supportive OH by your side.
Your very brave for taking back control of your life though.. and thank you for stopping to share that with me.
In fairness, I know so many people who've had a child with their OH and they're no longer in the picture.... I see it as no different, except your in charge of this situation now, no input of long life ties.
do you currently live together?

@dogmama1 Thank you and I wish the same for you.

@Teaandtoast35 I’m sorry for your losses- I too miscarried after IVF and had just signed up for round 2 when he decided he wanted his co- worker instead. I cannot imagine how hard this has been for you- wishing you all the best for the future.

Really struggling today ... or have been these past few days. I feel completely hopeless, surrounded by people all happily coupled up, living their lives.

I know deep down he isn't the right man for me. But my god, this rejection and delivery is excruciating - it feels like a genuine pain.

Please tell me this gets easier?

Once you are geographically seperate yes it gets easier

Take small steps arrange a valuation of the house pack a few precious personal things and siphon them off to your family for safety things like that

@Theunamedcat I feel paralysed mentally. All my family and friends keep telling me to take control, because it'll help me. But I physically don't feel like I can, like I can make that call, or walk into a EA's. I know I need too, it just hurts so much.

Email? I know it sounds pushy of me but one step will lead to another doesn't matter how small or big it is even if you pack up your jewellery in a box and take it to your moms to be safe (I've split from an ex before he literally stole my daughters comfort blanket and disposed of it amongst other spiteful things) people can be vile

@Theunamedcat he is being vile, that's what's making this all the more painful. He told me on Tuesday abruptly and he hasn't spoken a word to me since....
i know that living in this limbo is what's hurting me. If I could instantly walk away from this it'd be easier.. but when it wasn't you that initiated it that's very hard. I go to work and I'm just in a haze, can't wait to finish to retreat back to my bedroom with my dogs...
i feel utterly pathetic. 30 years old... embarassing.

I think sometimes when people have doubts they can do that thing of giving it one last push, putting everything into it, resolving to try and make it work, etc., which in a roundabout way makes them realise it’s not what they fully want. Like a ‘go or get off the pot’ moment.

I also think people can sometimes turn mean and cold as they need to turn their emotions off, put any doubts out of mind and focus on their dissatisfaction to make the final break.

Can only speculate, and whatever’s happening with him doesn’t excuse the crappy behaviour. Just sometimes people’s behaviour towards the end of a relationship feels incomprehensible, which can make it all the more torturous and confusing.

It’s not pathetic, it was a big shock and yes , you are allowed to be shocked by it
but it’s nearly the weekend , can you stay at your mums for a night or so , don’t tell him ( after all why would you , he is now just a lodger ) and get some rest and be a little bit looked after
bounce back late Sunday , refreshed but say nowt !
chin up , you got this !

You're not pathetic, you're grieving.

Try to think of it that way instead of using such cruel language about yourself.

His reaction post bombshell (acting as if all is well and you should just crack on without being upset about splitting) is so utterly bizarre and unsettling that your body and brain are sort of frozen because you're in shock not just about his declaration it's over but also because of that bizarre and unsettling behaviour. It's unnatural so your body and brain don't know how to respond and get stuck in a loop.

I echo PP's suggestion of some emails to get the ball rolling without having to visit offices etc. Just to make a start. Doesn't matter if you're crying when you write them as the person receiving them (solicitors etc) won't know, whereas if you have to go to offices and meet people F2F you might not be able to make the most out of it right now.

And it will also make it a bit more real for you so you aren't stuck in this limbo he's put you in then walked away from.

Bastard

@monsteramunch .... thank you, reading that made so much sense to me.
This whole situation is so bizarre and toxic. I stupidly messaged him today, he's purposely left it unread and yet still come home and just ignored me.
I also messaged his mum, a very vauge message, he has a toxic relationship with his mother (childhood) but she's a smart manipulative B*itch so I have no doubt he'll be running to her for advice.
The whole time we've been together she's communicated to him through me. Yet, she's also left my message on unread.

In moments like right now, I find my anger.. and it feels good! I start to feel proactive ... but then I wake up again and it all takes over me.

If he hasn't uttered a word before mid week next week, I will start getting things done. All my family and friends are pushing me too, they want me to take control.
It's madness that I'm having to be the one to kick this into action - after how explicitly clear he made his wanting of a quick exit.
But, I don't want to live out this limbo period while he gets his ducks in a row. And especially not whilst I'm still having to pay half the bills so he can keep having it easy. If this is what he wants, he can fuck off and fend for himself and the quicker the better... he's got a huge shock coming to him.

Ok guys - BIG ONE.

I just did it, I made an account on a credit search site with his details... and he's in a shit ton of debt!!! He's taken out several loans totally 18K!!
He has another 5K in credit cards!!! And £100+ on some other thing.....

WOW. How have I not seen or noticed this AGAIN!!! I've even checked his wallet on occasion!!
Where has all this money gone!??? What was it for!!
I'm feeling like a completely fucking idiot right now.... what the fuck!!!

How has he done this again but worse!!!!!

I genuinely naively believed he'd never be so stupid to do something like that again!!! He's a liar!

Don't tell him you know. Get the house sold and get your half out before he tries to dick about or make the debt a problem. Just get out.

Stay silent.act quickly.dont tell him.he will then try to unburden it onto you.
I don't no how you go about this but you need to get yourself detached from him pronto.he will try to put no e.g. against anything to regain control.get that house sold Now!
Do not wait op.make a bullet list. Tick tick tick that list off.buy some gold stars if you have to.just get it done.
You can do this.
He's showed you.hes a prick.
He's lied again.
This is not on you.please stop.how are you reversing this as a you issue.he has done this.he has lied and conned you.
You haven't fallen for it you've been manipulated and lied to.again he has do e this.to you.TO YOU.
Take back your safety and get the he'll put of his toxic circle.
Imagine your freedom.
Imagine your comfort of sitting down at the end of the day with a feeling of safety because your heart is settled,u don't ha e the fear,and you can just breathe again without the continuous doom feeling.

I am absolutely getting out - it all makes perfect sense now though. Fur the last year he's Been obsessing over his work. He left one job because he claimed they weren't paying him what he's worth, work work like a work horse so they'd pay him better and when they wouldn't he'd throw his toys out the pram.
He left and then went somewhere else and did the exact sameB he's now gone back to the first job... but still isn't earning what he wants.
He's always skint ... he gets paid the same roughly as me, a little more actually but he never has any money. This is why he went into melt down when his car failed it's MOT. He's even been making cash withdrawals from atm machines!!
And I believe he's been punishing me because he knows if I found out I'd leave (said so after the first time)
He always goes down to his brothers after work. So Mail maybe being sent to that address.
Whenever we talk about having a baby he always gets a bit funny over over reactive and is saying ' I will have to get an evening job and it is what it is' and I always said, no you won't, financially we'll be quiet comfortable when in maternity' and he's go on and on and I always thought it was weird... and he's deflecting his shit decisions onto me!!

This evil lying sad excuse of a man.

And I won't utter a word to him.

You need to file fast as his debts may wipe out the marital assets - the sooner you get separated in anyway, if he runs up more debt you may not have to pay it - just get things rolling asap. He wants the house sold and if there is £50k of “marital”’debt and £70k of equity then you’re not necessarily getting your £36k so please please get moving before he takes out another loan or card. Hopefully not too late. This is what a solicitor will be good for in terms of advising how things will go.