Husband says he wants out - but won't leave

[dogmama1]

He told me 5 days ago, he is done. Wants a divorce and wants the house sold and to be out.

Yet .... he's stayed. He does have places he could go seeing how desperate he is to be done with us. But he's choosing not too. He's sleeping on the sofa ... coming and going as he pleases. Not talking at all ...

It's agony.
I don't understand why if he feels so strongly about it, he wouldn't get away now. We have to sell the house of course, which he'd get 50% of. But hasn't made any movements yet to get that going.

I just feel completely lost and like this is crippling me.
I don't want this, and did tell him that when he told me. He told me he'd made his mind up and it didn't make a difference what I was saying.

I've been hiding myself away upstairs because it's all just too painful for me.
Why isn't he leaving?

And you are a PP who would do well not to make assumptions about people whose history and circumstances you know nothing about.

Violence isn’t ok. Full stop. The OP saying that what she did was fine is an issue.

The OP is having a terrible time right now and she has my full sympathy.
”Lashing out” to hit someone in the face isn’t ok in any circumstances.

Two things can simultaneously be true. Clearly a tough concept for you to grasp.

Clearly a tough concept for you to grasp.

I'm sorry you feel that a woman in a coercive relationship needs to present as the Perfect Victim or be subject to scolding. Talking of concepts - you didn't read the linked explanation about Reactive Abuse did you, or you wouldn't be doubling down.

Womens Aid would disagree with your opinion that Lashing out” to hit someone in the face isn’t ok in any circumstances btw. But if it makes you feel better - & justified in ticking OP off despite not knowing any of the circumstances in which she lashed out - sure, carry on making judgements in ignorance of well researched & documented findings from WA et al.

When has the OP ever said what she did was 'fine'? She has repeatedly said what she did was not right. She's acknowledged it wasn't right, so let it go. If that's what your focus is on, and not his abuse of her right now, then that's sad.

Forgive me if this has already been mentioned - I'm sure it must have been. You need to get advice on how to ensure that you are not in anyway responsible for his debts.
I don't know the ins and outs of it, because she was too ashamed to tell me how it came to pass, but my DD's ex ran up a mass of debt and when he disappeared she was liable for £30k. It took her 10 years to pay it off.

Could you make him a cash offer for him to release claim on the house. Say £20K. Then get in a tenant or rent it in it's entirety while you live with your mother for a year or two.
I'd definitely want legal advice re the debt, as the creditors could probably chase his half of the house to collect

You do need to sever finances straight away - file for divorce or officially separate so any more debt can’t be attributed to you. While debt may not be specifically in your name, it’s marital, so counts in the adding up of assets as a starting point. If you just have conversations with family friends and he can get another £10k loan out, you could be losing another £5k of equity.

How are you OP? x

Hi
I know this was 2 years ago but just wanted to know the outcome and if all got sorted x

Hi - so we are still together, when push time came and it was time that he really had to start making movements to leave as he'd requested it, he opened up more. Turns out his was suffering quite badly with depression, he got private counselling and took medication and it turned our lives around for the better. He's a typical proud man and couldn't voice all of that until it came to crunch time. He know voices his emotions a lot better, he's very receptive to my emotions, and We've been extremely happy since, we do bicker occasionally of course but overall we are very happy together and with our life we've created together. We are currently 6 months pregnant expecting our first baby end of this year and celebrating 3 years of marriage this year. Xxx

Congratulations, OP!

Wow.

That’s such an unusual ending and I’m really happy it turned out like this for you.

All the best A@dogmama1 🎉🎉

Congratulations, I'm so glad it worked out for you both!

I'm glad things are working out.

IIRC he'd accumulated a lot of debt you knew nothing about. Did you ever find out where all that money went? Obviously you don't have to say.

So he'd accumulated a lot of credit cards again, he changed jobs shortly before we got married, went from a chef to a mechanical engineering job. He had to buy a lot of tools to do the job and was putting them on credit cards, because his credit score was crap - the interest was horrendous. So then monthly payments were taking the majority of his disposable income, so he'd then use the cards and make cash withdrawals to shadow the lack of money to me.
Hes since taken out a consolidation loan (which I helped him with, my name is attached to it but he isn't very good with things like that so I helped him find the best one) all the cards are cleared and he just makes one monthly repayment to the loan out of his disposable income, which still leaves him with plently of month at the end of the month and he has counselling regarding his money/debt issues to which a lot was attributed to the depression and lack of self control or care basically. He's since been golden about it all - very transparent, I'm allowed to see his clear score reports, I'm on his bank account so can see everything but it's very much in the background and not a topic of conversation we have.

I knew to move on I had to let it lay.. I couldn't narrate him about it continuously. And we're financially stable and comfortable now and we're genuinely very happy.

@Cameleongirl @WakingUpDistress @MarkingBad thank you. ❤️

Stop worrying about why he's not going and start making plans.

Get the estate agent round.

File for divorce.

Get your financial information all together.

Start running your own life.

This is a two year old post. Someone commented and asked how things worked out and I've just updated. Thank you though x

I know this post is a few years old but, it sounds identical to my situation now. Literally with the amount of time we have been together even down to no kids… and the laughing at you… it’s like you and I are the same person. We were even planning. On having a baby this year and now all of a sudden he hates me but he won’t leave and won’t talk about it. God I don’t know how to get through this.

@MMauveKoalai didn’t want to read your comment and not reply, I just wanted you to know you have my sympathies. It’s an awful situation to be in. If it offers you any comfort, we did work through it, 3 years later and we have a 4 month old baby and are very happy. Fur is, the underlying problem was secret debt on his end. We worked through it, he took accountability, we took a completely transparent approach moving forward and it all worked out. Do you suspect there could be an underlying reason? Xxxx