Husband says he wants out - but won't leave

[dogmama1]

He told me 5 days ago, he is done. Wants a divorce and wants the house sold and to be out.

Yet .... he's stayed. He does have places he could go seeing how desperate he is to be done with us. But he's choosing not too. He's sleeping on the sofa ... coming and going as he pleases. Not talking at all ...

It's agony.
I don't understand why if he feels so strongly about it, he wouldn't get away now. We have to sell the house of course, which he'd get 50% of. But hasn't made any movements yet to get that going.

I just feel completely lost and like this is crippling me.
I don't want this, and did tell him that when he told me. He told me he'd made his mind up and it didn't make a difference what I was saying.

I've been hiding myself away upstairs because it's all just too painful for me.
Why isn't he leaving?

Wow, I know it hurts now but your life will be so much better without this cruel person in it. He would have made a horrible dad!

Focus on the practicalities. Get estate agents round, get house on market in January (no point in Dec), and sold asap. Accept that you’ll have to push the house sale forward - men never do.

Whatever you do, don’t move out until the house sale has exchanged contracts, otherwise he’ll sit in the house rent free for ages. If he’s being cruel he might enjoy tying up your equity for as long as he can.

Keep your conversations with him transactional and practical eg by text.

See a divorce solicitor to discuss next steps.

As I was reading thorough my guess was correct. He is in debt.

I dont think he is really freaked about the marriage.
What he is scared about is lack of money.

If you say to him that you can help him sort out your finances[you may need expert help[i havent read the thread thoroughly to know that]], then my best guess is that he will then calm down about the marriage.

You've got a wrong'un sadly, who calls you foul names, is happy to let things get squalid, neglects caring for the dogs ...

I'd bet my lunch it's an OW.

Time to take control.

Don't trickle your life away waiting for him to do something - this is no way to live.

See a solicitor without telling him.

Ensure bills are in your name and you have access to everything household admin paperwork.

Put half any shared money into your own separate account (if you don't have one get one) and have any salary paid into that account.

Learn the process of divorce.

If you have a mortgage, get the house valued.

Start thinking 'what could I get for half that'.

Present him with the paperwork.

Keep the dogs - they're not safe with him.

Take notes - every insult, unpleasant behaviour, any texts or messenger unpleasantness etc. Screenshot and keep.

Be ready for him to backpedal and try to wheedle his way back in with lovebombing - and for Gods' sake do not get pregnant.

You can decide what you want. The courts have a duty of care to ensure you do meet the 10 or so criteria. But there’s a lot of wiggle room in that for you to decide. I have seen the odd post on divorce chatboard that courts have rung up petioner for further detials or even refused- but if you read the criteria apply sensibly then there should be an issue. Ours was not 50;50 for instance - both retired and we said we were keeping own pension even though uneven. It’s obviously a lot easier with no kids anyway,

what we did is my solicitor drew up the legal draft consent . My ex then had 40 mins with a random solicitor on line from the Advice Now list of solicitors , and we documented that in the consent order so courts could see he’d taken legal advice too- that does help to ensure courts know you’ve both gone into it informed.

what you’re saying you’d want sounds reasonable on what you’ve said. All assets and debts are listed by you both legally on D81, which would go to courts with your consent order - the court will know then what the assets/debts are and what you’ve agreed to .

Should Not be an issue 🤦‍♀️

OP: "My H has been verbally abusing me for months & has now finished with me in an innecessarily cruel manner."

PP: "Aaaaaaw! Your poor H! he's just freaked about the debt he carefully put in your name. Run to him now & abase yourself, & offer to sort his financial problems out for him. If you are a Really Good Girl Forever maybe he'll only call you a cunt once a week."

You got an Honours degree at the School of Dick-Pandering didn't you @lightand. Well done.

Hmm, but he ain’t doing anything yet is he.

she does not necessarily need to see a solicitor immediately- sure she’ll get 30 mins free that’ll tell her bog all that she can’t find out for herself in 10 mins on line, after that she’ll be charged at £200/hour plus - and a lot of that she, agian, can figure out for herself. Using a solicitor adds costs, a lot of time, stress. MNettters is very fond of telling posters to get all combative and solicitor up - but really unless there is actually immediate danger form stbex or you’re a millionaire then the outcome isn’t going to change very much form what you can mostly do and figure out for yourself vs a solicitor getting involved. And certainly not in early days - you really should not use a soliton to log the petition - the whole Gov system has been designed to do it yourself.
. I have pointed out the Advice Now guides that MN now does sign post .

she will need a solicitor for certain bits, and if he refuses to reach an amicable agreement..but in the first place she needs to inform herself. It is not rocket science. Most people ,especially if no kids, it’s really is very simple if you choose to keep it simple

she will not be able to “take back” some of control. Slowly, as she gets herself informed, she can get control over her life. Not his. Please stop with the gunning for revenge crap. Yes, he’s a bastard ..but it won’t help her and just stress her more if she tries to take back control.

and I didn’t say a prisoner in one room. The opposite in fact. That she needs to create a rota with him on their use of each room.

@Newlifestartingatlast I was quoting the OP when I said about being a prisoner in one room. She's admitted she's spent all of the time since he told her he wanted out in the bedroom.

Can I ask this kindly?;Do you think he actually wanted to get married?;did he just go along with it because it was planned but he wanted to save face?;my friends first marriage lasted two weeks;apparently he changed his mind about getting married but it was "all booked" and he thought it'd be less embarrassing to quietly separate afterwards than publicly cancel the wedding;you mentioned he didn't really seem to be into the wedding.

There might be a possibility there is another woman somewhere in the wings;they might not be together and he feels your relationship is blocking his access to a relationship with her.

It's probably best you split before you fell pregnant by him;it's a complication you don't need as you can make a clean break.

Have you made appointments yet?:a good divorce solicitor,estate agents to value the house etc?;don't dally;the quicker the house is sold the quicker the divorce can go through and you can get on with your life.

she will not be able to “take back” some of control. Slowly, as she gets herself informed, she can get control over her life. Not his. Please stop with the gunning for revenge crap. Yes, he’s a bastard ..but it won’t help her and just stress her more if she tries to take back control.
Taking control of the current situation IS taking back control over her life.
She takes back control by cracking on with a divorce & the house sale. Sitting waiting for him to act is simply allowing all the control to stay in his hands - this is nothing to do with gunning for revenge or trying to control HIM. OP needs to get active, it's the fastest way out of a miserable situation.

and I didn’t say a prisoner in one room. The opposite in fact. That she needs to create a rota with him on their use of each room.
He's hardly going to listen & meekly comply to that is he?
And OP just suggesting it gives him more power - he will throw his weight around by refusing, which will upset her even more.

I'm fairness to @ICanHideButICantRun advise, it's proven very helpful. I've just sat and read up for just an hour, and I feel so much more informed and in control than I did a few hours ago.

Knowledge is power.
I'm not interested in taking back control in regards to him, it's very obvious I've been duped here. And although the humiliation of this is going to haunt me for a long time I'm honestly not interested in Revenge of any kind - he doesn't deserve a ounce more of my efforts.
Karma will beat his ass I'm sure of it. His life was a mess before me, he had nothing. He has no idea how the real world works, just a conception of how it should work. And I've probably appeased that for many years and made that a reality for him. When he has to stand on his own two feet, pay rent, all the bills, pay for his own car when it breaks, cook, clean, manage himself and his emotions: he's fucked.

I just need to try and muster up the strength to sit myself down and sort this in black and white financially. So when he comes to approach me with next steps, I can reply with xyz....

Or if he doesn't start being proactive - be strong enough to take the lead.

I'm not going to lawyer up. At this stage, despite him being a absolute mole of a man, I will give the benefit of the doubt that he'll want to do this reasonably. Because trust, if I don't have the money to do so, he absolutely doesn't!

If what he wants is truly what he's said, which is to get the fuck out. And wants this house sold so he can be alone. They he shouldn't put up any resistance to that.

@ICanHideButICantRun I'd really like to stay in contact with yourself. You seem really knowledgable and grounded. Is this something you've experienced yourself or?

The sudden change in him is weird. Has he got it into his head that you've cheated or something?

@Pasc611

wow - you see literally spot on.
He always claims his difficult, unloving, inattentive ways are due to his upbringing.
He in fact puts practically every single one of his faults down to this and that of his mother.

He's sold me and my family endless childhood trauma stories.
Some of which I can collaborate because his siblings have spoken of similar when around, however, I actually said to my mum the other day. That I wonder how many of them, or to what extent of savageness was actually true..
my mum has always said to me, throughout the years of his behaviour. That it always surprises her how he behaves because you'd think from coming from nothing, and having such a miserable unloving unsafe home, he'd be so thankful for what he has and a women that takes care of him. But he doesn't. Always tells me he doesn't give a fuck about any of that whenever I've said it.

I honestly feel like I've been completely duped.

No. Never even suggested. We spent almost all of our spare time together.

From what you’ve posted it sounds like he’s had red flags all over him for years OP and you’ve ignored them. Blinded by love? Take this as a life lesson.

Your not suppose to fix men. You are not their parent. You are their equal companion.

You will learn from this and be so grateful he did this one day.

He would have drained you much over the years. Especially if you had kids. The shine would quickly wear off for you having to be the only responsible adult for both him and children.

He will be kicking himself for doing this when he actually has to adult. He’ll probably end up some kind of cocklodger in some poor unsuspecting females house racked up in debt.

OP you are dealing with an abusive, narcissistic man. He's not going to move out unless someone does all the work for him. He is doing this literally in order to fuck with you and mess up your head because that is how he gets validation and feels good about himself.

It's quite possible that at some point he'll 'change his mind' and it'll be your fault for taking it all too seriously, and you'll end up saying sorry and begging him to forgive you.

The only effective way to deal with this man is to get him out of your life. Get a solicitor, because he isn't going to be nice about this. You need to know that he is your enemy and he does not love you or care about you in any way. So get a solicitor, get the house sold, take whatever money or assets you can, and get free.

If he 'changes his mind' tell him it's too late. Move his things out of the bedroom and maybe even put a lock on the door. Do not cook or do anything for him. Put all your energy into getting divorced and escaping. Good luck.

The thing you need to realize is that he's been 'emotionally divorced' for some time now whilst for you it's a new and sudden blow. His decision that he's 'done' wasn't made yesterday, I guarantee he's been thinking about this for weeks, if not months. He can be in the house and come and go as he pleases because he no longer cares about the marriage and to him, you are just a roommate. Sorry, I know that's harsh.

I've 'sort of' been where he is, in a different scenario. And I'm not saying you are at all at fault, just giving an example of 'emotional divorce'. My exH was abusive and I had 'emotionally divorced' him months before I got the courage to tell him I was done with him. In those months, he had absolutely no idea that I couldn't have cared less if he'd been stampeded by a herd of elephants. My 'facade' of the adoring wife was fully in place with no cracks. He was gobsmacked when I told him to GTFO.

I was lucky in that we our landlady was a friend of my family so when I told him to go he had to go. In your situation, just as you have been told to stay put, so he has been told the same thing. Neither of you can force the other to leave.

So what do you do? You pull yourself together and 'fake it til you make it'. No 'pick me dance', no tears in front of him nor pleading him to give things a try. You save those things for the dark of night or when you're with supportive loved ones. In fact, you must treat him as if he doesn't exist. If you are providing him any domestic services, that needs to stop right now. No cooking, no laundry, no shopping, no life admin, zip, zilch, nada. And if you have joint finances, they need to be separated, tomorrow.

I'm not going to lawyer up. At this stage, despite him being an absolute mole of a man, I will give the benefit of the doubt that he'll want to do this reasonably. Because trust, if I don't have the money to do so, he absolutely doesn't

Please don't do this. At least see a solicitor for a consultation. Your STBX doesn't deserve your 'benefit of the doubt'. And just because you think you have nothing, that doesn't mean a thing. My exH threatened to sue me for alimony (US, decades ago) because he was a student and I was working. I was in a 'no fault' state and what I thought was going to be simple and 'do it yourself' ended up with me having to consult an attorney. If you own/buying a house together, or even if you're renting, don't think he won't try to come out 'on top'.

It's not about punishing him. You get a lawyer because they will tell you how to put your hopefully amicable agreements into a legal framework. It's actually BETTER to have it formal because everyone understands exactly what they are agreeing to.

Please trust me, I know what I'm talking about.

The one thing that stands out for me is the fact he has never been able to organise anything by himself. Unable to handle CC, having a bank account, everything.

that means he us not going to organise anything fir the divorce. Not the sale if the house, not the divorce itself.

Its shit you have to organise something you never wanted.
But it puts you in a very strong position. It will be done the way YOU want to do it.

he won’t move out (that would mean organising somewhere to live). But you can if you want to.
Start with not doing ANYTHING for him (cook, wash, iron etc….). Don’t do small talk about his day and crap it is the car has broken down etc….
Id see a solicitor to separate your finances asap. If he racked CC debts before Wo you knowing, he’ll do that again if there is no one to ‘guide’ him.
if you move house, sort out everything from all the payments (council tax, water etc….) and agree who is paying the mortgage.

You will be ok.

Have you asked him when he’s moving out?

I’d go up to him now and tell him he needs to pack his bags because you want him gone tomorrow and you don’t know why he’s still here as you’re not going to be packing his bags for him.

I would get angry.
I’d tell him that he needs to leave and stay somewhere else and then you make plans to sell the house.

I think he’s hoping you will leave and I would want to get out of that house but I don’t think it’s fair that you do.

He sounds absolutely vile and is walking all over you.

I think your all absolutely right, it's clear he's been planning this out in his head long before I was aware. He's been an asshole for quiet some time, but I naively put it down to work stresses.
My mums been shocked at some of the stuff I've told her as of late, and it's only now seeing those reactions that it's started dawning on me that I've almost becomes conditioned to believing this is how it should be or just is.
He told me before we got married, that he wouldn't marry me unless I sorted my mental health out. But also wouldn't do anything to support me during, my mum even said to him, you need to be supporting her and he said I don't know how.
I functioned with my MH, got up everyday, went to work everyday, did the full brunt of household chores/ cooking and was planning the wedding single handedly, Aswell as managing a covid pandemic with my workplace also (I'm manager). So I wasn't being codependent by any means. I was just struggling.

I don't know why, after saying all that I still feel devastated, but I do. And I know it'll take some time, I think a lot of this is the humiliation ( we live in a small town where news travels like wildfire and after only 14 months, it'll be the hot gossip) and the sense of loss of everything I've worked so hard to achieve. And accepting the loss of the possibility of a baby next year, I've longed for a baby for years, I wanted one before the wedding but he wanted to marry first..

I know I'm not going to interested in entertaining a man for a very long time, especially not so much so as to even think about settling and having a child with, After this experience.... no.

It's weighing up my options now as a single 30 year old, divorced, moving back in with my mum and restarting when all my friends ( I mean, literally everyone!) is married, getting married or having kids..

I hate that he was the one to do this to me. I didn't deserve this.

Btw seeing a solicitor isn’t about being adversarial, it’s not punishing him, it’s not not trusting him anymore.
it’s about protecting yourself. It’s about breaking up a contract (that’s what the marriage is) in the safest way fir you.
The trust, love etc…. is about your relationship. Marriage isn’t that. You need to separate the two.

@dogmama1 Hi, I’m sorry you’re going through this, I have been through similar. My now ex and I had been married 6 years, he ended it, stopped communicating, wanted a divorce but refused to move out and it was because he expected me to.. whatever you do, do NOT move out. You will automatically be in a weaker position.

I arranged for the house valuations, and I booked us into mediation to settle the finances , this cost less than having a solicitors draft it and I filed for divorce myself online.

it’s caused a lot of heartbreak and I really didn’t want to sell my home , but as time went in, living together under the same roof- I couldn’t wait for the sale to go through.. & this just happening now.

take each day at a time. Spend time with your friends and family - I found coming to this forum really helpful.
The first two months are the most painful, it will get easier, some days better than others.

Hi @Maze76,

I'm sorry to hear you had that experience. Was it recent then if the house sale is only just going through? Or how long has this situation lasted?

It's absolutely heartbreaking. I try and talk myself strong everyday, but there is just this unbearable feeling in my gut constantly. It's always worse in the mornings, it's like I wake and remember the reality all over again and have to try and face the day. I haven't faced much of anything since he told me on Tuesday. I haven't gone to work, I haven't left the house except once to go to my mums for dinner. I have to return to work tomorrow which I'm feeling incredibly anxious about. A lot of our customers ask about my H. Knew we got married not long ago etc and often ask after him and how married life is.
I'm terrified of seeing people for the first time since. I hate being emotional in public, but I know I'm going to be a balling mess. As soon as someone says something kind to me I cry at the moment.

My mums being incredible, but I'm also mindful of how much I'm putting on her too. My best friend is great, but she has two small kids so her plates pretty full with her partner working full time. I just feel very alone. And feel like I'm the only single kid less 30 year old in the world right now! (I know that's no rational, just feels isolating)

Can you recommend anything that helped ease it for you? X

Please don’t beg for him back or to have sex with you as you’ll end up regretting that you did.

And be prepared for the inevitable he misses you and wants you back speech, when actually he’s just horny and just wants sex.

If he starts saying things like that then I’d personally make him wait at least a week before having sex with him so you can see if he genuinely wants you back or just wants sex.