Husband says he wants out - but won't leave

[dogmama1]

He told me 5 days ago, he is done. Wants a divorce and wants the house sold and to be out.

Yet .... he's stayed. He does have places he could go seeing how desperate he is to be done with us. But he's choosing not too. He's sleeping on the sofa ... coming and going as he pleases. Not talking at all ...

It's agony.
I don't understand why if he feels so strongly about it, he wouldn't get away now. We have to sell the house of course, which he'd get 50% of. But hasn't made any movements yet to get that going.

I just feel completely lost and like this is crippling me.
I don't want this, and did tell him that when he told me. He told me he'd made his mind up and it didn't make a difference what I was saying.

I've been hiding myself away upstairs because it's all just too painful for me.
Why isn't he leaving?

The issue isn’t really that he can take the full house if she leaves, but more that he can use multiple stalling factors to not sell the house and delay the sale for months or years . In the meantime the Op can’t access her equity and is in his hands, The point of staying in the property is more about making sure you still have control (well 50% of the control) around sale and ensuring that it is well maintained until then to get best price.

He’s trying to be cruel to make you leave.

Do the same back. You don’t want someone like this, so even if you don’t feel it yet, act it.

Good luck OP. 💐

@Newlifestartingatlast But he's the one who has said he wants the house sold, so why on Earth would he delay it? If he's talking like that I'd assume he would want his share of the equity as soon as possible.

The OP needs to take back some of the control, see a solicitor, get the divorce started, get the house up for sale. Not be like a prisoner in one room, having to listen to her stbXH be nasty to her.

@Newlifestartingatlast thank you for that long detailed message. I just found that extremely helpful I've gone and saved the website to my phone, I don't feel quiet strong enough today to delve into it. But I definitely will.

Can I just ask, if we decide between ourselves what we want from the split. For example: 50:50 equity from house, agreement on who pays what debt, agreement to take our own cars, and decisions based on furniture. Would a court still have a say in what they thinks fair? Even if it doesn't seem fair on paper but we've agreed?

I'm not interested in his pension. And he hasn't got a big one anyway.
When it gets down to all that, I just want my share of the house and the debt settled proportionately (mostly his). And he can also cover expenses for the divorce etc as he wants it.

You need to see a solicitor, do not agree to anything without legal advice

If you normally do everything for him, and have accepted that it's over, it may be quickest and easiest to carry on doing everything for him and sort the divorce yourself.

I know someone who did this right down to finding a rental for her ex, and paying the deposit.

She felt it was worth it to get rid of him as she knew otherwise he'd be still in their house moaning he wanted a divorce but not getting off his bum to do it.

I feel I should also add a little back detail to how this played out.

He came home abruptly Tuesday evening, already seemed extremely pissed off. He passive aggressively sat down on the sofa and said ' I think we need a chat don't we' I replied, what about? To which he said, 'us, because I'm fucking done' my initial reaction was one of anger, completely blindsided, I think I screamed for about 10 minutes. Then he instantly started demanding from me what would be happening with the house, complaining that he's stuck and this house is a noose around his neck. He then persisted to keep on at me about what I'd be doing. Then I left and went to my mums.

When I came back, I told him I don't want this. And he basically said nothing and took himself downstairs to sleep on the sofa.

Wednesday, he came home from work and started telling me all about his day?? The car troubles he'd had that day... and was acting some what normal.. well, considering the night before it seemed like a 360. I left him to eat his dinner and went upstairs. I came down later on and asked if he'd like to stay upstairs tonight, to which he scoffed at me and said 'why would I' I said well, I thought you might want to and I'd like you too.
He then persisted to tell me I am deluded, that he is done. I said... of course I'm not going to instantly accept that, I don't want this, and I know things have been tough recently but it's nothing we can't resolve easily, surly is better than throwing away everything we have' to which he said, he doesn't give a fuck about any of it, he's fucking miserable and wants to be alone.

I said again... I can't just accept that? I have to try. To which he laughed at me.
I asked him, do you not love me anymore?
To which he responded he did, and cares about me but doesn't care anymore. He doesn't want to try to make it better, he can't be bothered.
I said but we've been making plans to start a family next year?? You just paid for a new engagement ring for me (two weekends ago) because it broken??

He said he'd been staying through pitty.
I knew I'd heard enough, I can't stand there any longer and listen to the rejection.

I took myself upstairs and have pretty much stayed their since except for going to my mums last night. He's carried on as normal, been going to work, coming home, buying himself a microwave meal on the way home, making it, sat and scoffed it, humming around the house, up and out on the weekend, fixing his car all day both days, sleeping fine, hasn't said a word to me since Wednesday evening. We're barely even looking at one another. He has since said nothing more about it. I don't know who he's told.. nothing. He just seems completely un phased whilst I'm falling apart. I'm an absolute mess. I feel like I've sat through the last 5 days in a fog. I'm returning to work tomorrow but I'm terrified, I feel sick and in a state on panic all the time.
I'm humiliated and feel like I've been taken for an absolute mug.

Well it's clear you'll be much better off without him.

Do you earn equal amounts? Is the debt on credit cards or loans in both names? What was the debt for?

What about the house deposit? Who put down what?

@ICanHideButICantRun the debt is in my name. Buy it was his debt. When we brought the property he has zero credit. He was advised by the broker to take out some credit cards (High interest because bad credit) to purchase small stuff and pay off weekly to build up. Without me knowing, he racked up £17k on three cards. He was so out of his depth, he was making minimum payments on them and when interest was added it was just mounting not decreasing. I finally found out because he kept saying he had no money which made no sense to me. Stupidly, I agreed to take out loans 2x to clear the cards and make payments on the loans. One has been paid now. One still has around £3.5k left. We also have joint credit cards, totalling around £6k. So split £3k each.

The deposit was joint.

Oh and also, yes we pretty much earn equal amounts.
Although after Christmas I am getting a pay increase and I will likely be better off monthly but only very slightly.

We don't have any savings left - we spent that on our wedding (14months ago) and we just this summer did you our garden.

You need legal advice. As you are married, debt as well as assets are joint. It's not "his" debt, especially if it's in your name. Seek profession IRL legal advice before you agree to anything.

But what I am asking, is if we are able to agree amicably so I need to seek legal advice and rack up expenses?
I highly doubt he's going to want to fund legal costs anymore than I am, because he hates spending his money on anything but crap. I think he's stupidly be happy with just £30k + from the house sale minus any joint debt... I don't get the impression he's going to try to fight me for much giving how little he seems to give an F. Of course, if it seems it's going that way? I'll lawyer up. But currently I don't have the money to do so snd don't want to burrow from family if it isn't nessasary, I feel I am already putting a lot on my family in regards to support.

I won't be stupid.

But I just need clarity on weather I actually need to seek legal advice if we are able to agree amicably??

If you want him to take on that debt then you will need to get a solicitor involved because, as it stands, that is your debt.

When i say stupidly happy by the way, I'm referring to the fact that to him that'll be dollar signs in his eyes. He'll probably rinse that within a year or two and make no sensible choices with it. Because he's an idiot. But that's his problem then, not mine.

Do you really think he will be amicable? Look at him right now. This man hates you.

Something or someone got to him on Tuesday, it may have been building up for a while. Did he put any money into the house at all if he nad nothing. Get your name removed from any joint accounts or cards and his debt needs to be paid off from the house sale and deducted from any share he gets.

OP- has he got form for this?

Before the events of last week, what kind of guy was he? Were there any red flags? Has he tried to break up with you before? You've been with him 8yrs what's he like more generally - personality wise? Does he go no contact with other ppl in his life? Is he volatile with his temper?

I only say this because quite some months ago - a person came on MN to say her DH had called her a bitch or something. Seemed pretty out the blue. And he didn't have a history for this. OP was furious, upset etc. Of course many replies of LTB until someone said - is he ill? Anyway - I can't remember the details but turned out he was ill. They ended up taking him to A&E (if anyone can find the thread....).

For her though this behaviour was totally out of character. He'd never done anything remotely similar before.

So that's why I ask, before the events of last week what kind of person was he?

It feels like something has happened. Normal people don't go from completely fine to divorce and you're a cunt, fuck off - in one working day and then walk around the house humming.

However, you know him best and if he has got form for this sort of thing - at 30yrs old, you're far too young for this - run my love, you will find someone 1000 times better. Get the house on the market and run.

It is horrid, me and my ex had this for two years whilst divorce went thru. I advise going out a lot.

He has every right to end your relationship however the unnecessarily cruel way in which he is behaving towards you needs to stop. I suspect he gets a kick out of it.

I appreciate that you are in shock and it is probably taking all of your strength to function however you need to look after yourself now. He’s shown you who he is.

My advice is to call in estate agents asap for a valuation, negotiate their fee and get it on the market. If they ask why you are selling say that you have both decided to separate. Don’t give him any more power by him being the one who called it off.

Check your mortgage paperwork or give the provider a call to ensure that there is no early repayment penalty.

Have as little interaction with him as possible.

Keep a diary/notes of all the unreasonable behaviour, you can document that in the divorce if needed.

Good luck OP.

But, if you agree with lemonTT, why would you advise I leave? He hasn't made any steps to get the house on the market as of yet. So why would I leave? He wants out of this ... not me.

He's not going to take those steps OP.
He feels perfectly comfortable with the set-up, so it's no skin of his nose to stay put & enjoy not just the status quo but the fact that he has, as PP said, the upper hand.

You know he's emotionally & verbally abusing you.
I expect he was like this all along, just masked it better. So you are going to be well rid of him.
He is calling you names to make you feel uncomfortable - I imagine because he wants you to be the one to move out. So you need to assess how much of that you can take, & whether it's worth it to you to sit tight for however long the house sale will take. You don't need to decide that immediately.

Right now - you need to take back control.
Start by remembering that you cannot control HIM & how he behaves, but you can manage your response to it. Do as PP suggest - blank him, headphones, stay away from him, do NOTHING for him in terms of domestic chores.
www.e-counseling.com/articles/what-is-the-grey-rock-method/

Then get assertive. Don't wait for him to leave, don't wait for him to get the ball rolling. Find a really good lawyer: forget about DIY, it's worth investing a couple of grand to ensure your interests are represented. It also means that you don't need to communicate directly with H about any of it.
Book valuations with a couple of estate agents, choose one & get cracking.
No need to discuss ANY of this with him. Just do it.

When you wobble - which is normal, & ok - remember he deliberately left the dogs hungry & desperate, & he called you a cunt. He is a worm. You will be so much happier when you no longer have to live with him, endure his insults, or tiptoe around his nastiness.

Hang on in there & keep posting.

I’m so sorry this is happening to you, OP. 💐 As PP’s have said, you MUST seek legal advice ASAP, if only to clarify all the possible scenarios. Please don’t assume that you can split amicably, he’s already behaving unreasonably and you need to be fully aware of your legal position.

Make an appointment and in the meantime, avoid him and blank him out. Also stop doing anything for him-only shop, clean and pay bills for yourself. I’d be inclined to get a mini fridge and keep my food in my room (I know that’s petty). If he wants to split up, he needs to realize that he’s on his own now.

Oh, and get your name taken off any joint accounts as PP’s have advised. Separate finances from now on.

Hi OP.
You are in a state of panic because you have not taken control - Action conquers fear. This man doesn't love you. it sounds like when you got married, he just went through the motions for a quiet life. He sounds like a passenger man - along for the ride and doing anything for an easy life - you were his rescuer, provider, comforter, organiser, secretary, financial advisor, counsellor, cook and laundrymaid. You intiated things and chivvied him along. I bet he uses his background as an excuse. Am I right at all?

For whatever reason (it's another woman - why else would he leave a comfortable home where he is looked after and loved?) He wants out.
Accept it's over and take charge. Imagine a friend was in this situation being treated like a piece of shit - what would you tell her to do? Honestly?

You are afraid of being alone - looking after this user man-baby has anchored you and given you purpose. Don't be afraid. Your life will be transformed as soon as you get him out of your life FOREVER. Apply yourself to doing this 100% - Make it happen.

You need legal advice. I was in a similar situation to you without the complicated debt issue and I got legal advice. Not a great deal, just to sign separation agreements and so on. But you need it.

Tips:

Don't chat, they are expensive.
Don't talk about the emotional stuff, they aren't a counsellor.
Go with a list of prepared questions you need answered.
Go with a calm, trusted relative. I took my dad. He listened and took notes as I wasn't very receptive.

All the best.

You need to get angry. That'll help.
There's a lot of information on gov.uk website on how to apply for divorce, rules and what to expect. Just go on there first.
My question would be if he has treat you like shit for 7 months or so, calling you vile names etc, then why is it him saying he wants to divorce you? Get sorted, op.