Did you feel sorry for DH when he got caught?

[WhatFreshHell1]

Name changed for this as don’t want it linking back to my old posts……….

got a message out the blue yesterday from a woman saying she’d ‘been intimate’ with my DH. I confronted him (calmly) today and he admitted everything, apologised, said he knew he was a stupid idiot, he loves me and wants to say together but ultimately my decision. We have 2 youngish kids.

im obviously leaning towards separation but I actually felt sorry for him. He was totally, totally broken.

is it normal to feel like this, or is it just the shock reaction? I cannot believe this whole situation is happening. I half wish I didn’t know.

I can imagine that if he was very upset it awakened your natural instinct to comfort him. Don't let this blind you to what he's done though! I hope you are ok

I found out my H was cheating on me last week, we also have two very young DC. I feel nothing but hatred towards him currently. I don't feel sorry for him in the slightest.

I cam imagine it's normal to feel some compassion if he's remorseful. You've known and loved him a lot longer than you've had this information about him being a cheat.

Try not to let it influence your next steps too much. It's about how his actions have affected you. Some space away from him and his emotions might help you keep sight of what you need, not what he needs.

I mean it's within the realms of normal rather than everyone feels that way. Probably depends on the nature of the cheating too.

I imagine he's totally broken because you've now found out about him shagging some OW.

It's because you're seeing him on judgement day, OP. He's realised the impact of what he's done and now has to face the consequences.

He was a lot happier when you didn't know, wasn't he?

Thanks everyone. And @StillBreathingjust im sorry you’re going through this too. It’s bloody awful. I can’t believe this time yesterday everything was fine (or I thought it was). I haven’t slept which is probably affecting my judgement.

I wanted to comfort XH in those initial stages too. He was broken. I felt sorry for him. I loved him.

It didn't stop me being angry, broken, mad about the situation his behaviour had caused though and absolutely furious with him.

Having both emotions together is not unusual.

This and this alone. Everyone's sorry after the fact

I know you’re all right. Out of all the emotions I expected to feel, I didn’t expect to feel pity. I’m not even angry, just sad.

Your instinct is to protect him. He knows how you work so he's playing on those emotions.

Distance yourself from him for a while. Tell him you need space and he needs to leave while you think about what you want.

Nothing like your shagpiece phoning your wife to ruin your day is there. Don't let his tears sway you.

No I didn’t feel sorry for him the slightest. Biggest emotion at the time was shock, then anger. Then when he left I just felt relief the lying cheat was gone! He wasn’t getting any sympathy from me for treating me like shit.

This

You love him. Of course you feel sorry for him.

What he's done hasn't sunk in yet.

Hold on tight - you're in for a rough ride when it finally does 😔💐

How was he prior to you finding out?

@WhatFreshHell1 it could be something to do with you detaching yourself a little from the situation - a protective mechanism. You obviously have a very compassionate and caring nature and a robust emotional maturity. I expect the anger will come later. At the moment all you're seeing is someone you love being in pain.
Did he say why he did it?

It is possible that a man can look broken upon discovery of his affair because he deeply regrets the pain it will inevitably cause his wife and family.
He can also look broken for reasons more to do with his personal shame at being found wanting. They are not the same thing at all. I would play hardball: if he's genuinely remorseful, he will do whatever it takes to own and remedy the harm he's caused you, if he's just sorry (more for himself than you), he'll start telling to you to "get over it", "it meant nothing", "stop going on about it, we've been through this before" etc.

Did she say why she decided to message you? Did he dump her and is getting her own back, or forcing his hand to decide between the two of you ?

Most men are usually sorry;sorry they've been caught.Most men also want to "work it out" when being caught out as a separation means financial difficulties for them and part time parenting alone plus not having someone to do the majority of the domestic work for them.

You can feel sorry for him in a your ashamed he's a pathetic,weak and pitiful man who's showed you who he really is.

Stay together if it's what you absolutely really want to;some marriages do survive an affair but it's on your terms not his;be mindful of the fact that many men who cheat once go on to do it again.

He's only upset because he's been caught out.

If he was upset about cheating on you, he wouldn't of done it. Sorry to be blunt.

He's only sorry because he's been caught

Prick.

Absolutely not. He knew what he was doing. He made a conscious decision to do it. He didn't give a flying fuck about me, or his newborn baby.

He's sad because he got caught. He wasn't sad when he was sleeping with someone else behind your back.

Is he this concerned about the hurt he’s inflicted on you, or are you just meant to feel bad for him?