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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Did you feel sorry for DH when he got caught?

221 replies

WhatFreshHell1 · 09/11/2022 14:20

Name changed for this as don’t want it linking back to my old posts……….

got a message out the blue yesterday from a woman saying she’d ‘been intimate’ with my DH. I confronted him (calmly) today and he admitted everything, apologised, said he knew he was a stupid idiot, he loves me and wants to say together but ultimately my decision. We have 2 youngish kids.

im obviously leaning towards separation but I actually felt sorry for him. He was totally, totally broken.

is it normal to feel like this, or is it just the shock reaction? I cannot believe this whole situation is happening. I half wish I didn’t know.

OP posts:
DNBU · 09/11/2022 17:46

Yes but wished I hadn’t and learnt my lesson from it, cos he did it again later.

Emotionalsupportviper · 09/11/2022 17:47

ThisIsMeToooo · 09/11/2022 17:20

This was my Ex - crying and begging to stay, that he had lost his way . For about a year he was better and tried to be a better husband but then he started to get angry, asking me to forgive him, saying he didn't want it referred to anymore , said that I didn't value him or thank him for providing for the family , that I didn't want to go out as much as him, getting thoroughly pissed at parties, snooping on MY messages and printing them out to see if I was talking about him, being embarrassed to go into a club we belonged to because "everyone would know" ( Yeah I really spread it about 🙄). he started living in a bubble of his own and booking first class holidays to go and visit friends without telling me. The rest is history. He is now married to his affair partner.

He is now married to his affair partner.

And probably cheating on her.

ohforthelife · 09/11/2022 17:49

I went through this many years ago.

In our situation it was he who told me about it because he couldn't bear the guilt (it was a drunk one night stand) but I did end up comforting him because he was the one bawling his eyes out.

We stayed together and I do sometimes look back and wonder if I'd do the same now (I'm not the same person I was then!)

stacyvaron · 09/11/2022 17:49

mmm, that is so hard, isn't it?

When one cheats, the immediate reaction is "well, that's it then..."
However, most of the time cheating is just a symptom of other issues. Not that it's OK, it isn't, but it doesn't happen in a vacuum. If you would like to continue on and you feel that there is material to work with, perhaps some counseling is in order. I hope you will consider it for the sake of your children.

Emotionalsupportviper · 09/11/2022 17:51

WhatFreshHell1 · 09/11/2022 15:37

@SO224350 yes she says the reason she has got in touch now is because I could have potentially have been exposed to an STI! I’m confident I don’t have anything but will get checked anyway. Like I haven’t got enough to worry about.

Dear God!

That's horrendous - and is says that either she or he is pretty promiscuous, and worse - appallingly careless when it comes to using protection.

SavingsThreads · 09/11/2022 17:53

Because people who are genuinely sorry for mistakes or bad choices they've made confront themselves, are honest about what they've done wrong, accept that there will be consequences to face and proactively make amends.*

I don't think that's true at all. Plenty of people make mistakes and don't broadcast them, or cover them up, because they regret it or are ashamed. If I did something that would jeopardise my relationship and deeply hurt someone I loved, I wouldn't be in any hurry to tell them even if I knew logically they deserved to know. It's much harder than that.

SavingsThreads · 09/11/2022 17:54

That's horrendous - and is says that either she or he is pretty promiscuous, and worse - appallingly careless when it comes to using protection.

STIs do not equal promiscuity Hmm The fact they cheated is enough for a risk, yes, but doesn't mean anything more.

Bouledeneige · 09/11/2022 17:55

Did he feel compassion for how you'd feel when he was shaving her?

speakout · 09/11/2022 18:10

Why wasn't he "broken"while he was fucking the OW?

The only change is that you now know.

If you hadn't found out would he still be broken while shagging her?

justasking111 · 09/11/2022 18:14

WhatFreshHell1 · 09/11/2022 15:37

@SO224350 yes she says the reason she has got in touch now is because I could have potentially have been exposed to an STI! I’m confident I don’t have anything but will get checked anyway. Like I haven’t got enough to worry about.

She has an STI mmmmm more likely she's pushing you to throw him out

PWV · 09/11/2022 18:15

Sorry you are going though this. You are right, the anger will come when the shock fades. Take your time processing it all...

Then kick his lying arse out. You will never trust him again.

You don't deserve to have to live like that.

CheekyHobson · 09/11/2022 18:22

SavingsThreads · 09/11/2022 17:53

Because people who are genuinely sorry for mistakes or bad choices they've made confront themselves, are honest about what they've done wrong, accept that there will be consequences to face and proactively make amends.*

I don't think that's true at all. Plenty of people make mistakes and don't broadcast them, or cover them up, because they regret it or are ashamed. If I did something that would jeopardise my relationship and deeply hurt someone I loved, I wouldn't be in any hurry to tell them even if I knew logically they deserved to know. It's much harder than that.

In that instance you might be feeling guilty and ashamed of yourself and regret making the bad choice or mistake you made, and rightly so, but you are not genuinely remorseful.

You are still prioritizing and protecting yourself rather than recognising that harm has been done to someone who did not deserve it and prioritizing them instead, giving them the respect of making their own free choice of how to respond to your actions rather than making that choice for them by hiding the truth.

SleeplessinSouthwold · 09/11/2022 18:23

cheating is just a symptom of other issues. .. it doesn't happen in a vacuum.
Sorry but that BS comes up too often.
Cheating is not a symptom of 'other issues', it's a symptom of being dishonest, selfish and callous. It's having very low expectations for your marriage if you can expect that 'issues' would immediately potentially lead to infidelity.
Cheating does happen in a vacuum, a vacuum devoid of loyalty, respect or compassion for your spouse, and filled with selfishness.

tolerable · 09/11/2022 18:35

ok so pity him .... As he leaves.you didnt do this.sorry is useless. you need space to sleep,absorb,react.
his relevance\self worth already put you,kids below him. i hate that harshness- i wish you well.x

MsDogLady · 09/11/2022 18:40

@WhatFreshHell1, his crocodile tears are manipulative. He’s been perfectly happy with pretending to be the faithful partner and family man while stealing your choices/consent and risking your health — all for illicit sex and ego validation.

He’s now in damage control mode because the double life he carefully crafted is falling apart and will be public knowledge. He’s also upset that his OW has ‘betrayed’ him by spilling the beans.

Keep in mind that adulterers are self-serving liars, and the character flaws that enabled him to cheat and justify abusing you with deception are still present.

CherryBlossomWinter · 09/11/2022 18:46

Yes I felt sorry for my Ex when he was caught. At first he was in complete denial, but when he was confronted by absolute proof he broke. He admitted later that it was the only time in his life he felt so low he sought medical help.

I felt for him and in many ways I was fair and offered him a chance.

However he cheated again, and for a third time. Each time he got quite giddy I think with the rush of being able to ‘get away with it’ and had no remorse until he was caught and eventually I left him. He did not act fairly with me when I wanted to leave and was and is often a bit of an asshole about supporting me as the main parent of my child.

So take it with a pinch of salt. He is sad because he was caught.

category12 · 09/11/2022 18:50

Yes, he turned on the waterworks in a big way.

I ended up staying.

He did it again.

He cried and did the poor mh thing again, claimed to have walked into the river etc etc.

idiot that I am, I stuck it out a bit longer.

Then realised he was never going to change and stopped buying into his bullshit.

He never wanted us to split up. He also didn't want to keep it in his pants.

PaperDoves · 09/11/2022 18:53

I don't think you should feel too sorry for him -- he made his choices.

However because you say you feel sad rather than angry (and maybe your feelings will change in time as it sinks in), I'll just add that there isn't a law that says you have to leave a straying husband. Many people do have to, because they could never get past it and don't want to, but likewise a lot of people are able to move past the affair (usually with couple's therapy) and some report their marriage becomes stronger for it. Esther Perel has a few books about affairs (she's a therapist) that are really eye opening.

Obviously I'm not making a recommendation -- only you will know what you want and need. Best of luck to you.

whynotwhatknot · 09/11/2022 19:06

If hed confessed on his own maybe id agree but hes only devatated because hes been caught out

he was fine before that wasnt he

MortalWomb4t · 09/11/2022 19:10

So, is his normal demeanor to be all 'broken' on a daily basis, or is it just because he's been found out?

Is there potentially more skeletons in his closet?

How on earth do you feel sorry for someone who has knowingly betrayed you?

I'd have the locks changed and him staying elsewhere at HIS expense.

CheekyHobson · 09/11/2022 19:14

I should add that when someone makes a bad choice and decide to cover up rather than front up, it is usually because they know deep down that they don’t bring enough value to the relationship for the other person to consider forgiving them and working through the fallout and repair process.

Changerofthename1 · 09/11/2022 19:14

stacyvaron · 09/11/2022 17:49

mmm, that is so hard, isn't it?

When one cheats, the immediate reaction is "well, that's it then..."
However, most of the time cheating is just a symptom of other issues. Not that it's OK, it isn't, but it doesn't happen in a vacuum. If you would like to continue on and you feel that there is material to work with, perhaps some counseling is in order. I hope you will consider it for the sake of your children.

Oh pull the other one I am sick to death of Reid in this misogynistic shit on here about how cheating is a symptom not the disease.

People can be perfectly happy in relationships and just decide that they would like 2 people to fuck instead of 1. Just because the opportunity presents. Its a choice to be a weak minded piece of shit, a decision. The only thing it’s a symptom of is a pathetic person

Original poster
WhatFreshHell1 · 09/11/2022 19:20

He hasn’t cried or mentioned mental health - just apologetic and devastated. I agree with all of you he was fine before he was found out. Thanks to all of you who said to look after myself and take my time - even though you’re all strangers it’s lovely to get so much support. And sorry to hear so many of you have gone though similar.

OP posts:
DarkShade · 09/11/2022 19:21

In the wise words of Rihanna: Don't tell me you're sorry 'cause you're not, baby I know you're only sorry you got caught....

He's putting on a show because he's been caught. He's not sorry he's actually done it, or he would have told you himself.

katmarie · 09/11/2022 19:27

I think before today if you'd found him devastated over something your first instinct would be to feel sorry for him, and that feeling doesn't just go away immediately. You will need time to process what he's done and how you feel about it, let your feelings change as they need to, and make your decisions when you are ready to. Don't be too alarmed about how you're feeling right now, it just shows that you loved him and cared for him, and that you're a generally decent human being. Just give yourself time to come to terms with what he's done, and don't make any rash decisions.

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