Did you feel sorry for DH when he got caught?

[WhatFreshHell1]

Name changed for this as don’t want it linking back to my old posts……….

got a message out the blue yesterday from a woman saying she’d ‘been intimate’ with my DH. I confronted him (calmly) today and he admitted everything, apologised, said he knew he was a stupid idiot, he loves me and wants to say together but ultimately my decision. We have 2 youngish kids.

im obviously leaning towards separation but I actually felt sorry for him. He was totally, totally broken.

is it normal to feel like this, or is it just the shock reaction? I cannot believe this whole situation is happening. I half wish I didn’t know.

I haven't been in this situation, but something I would suggest strongly you do is tell someone in your real life really quickly - your mum, or your best friend, or someone like that. Make it 'real' ASAP because when someone you love does something terrible to you, and acting as you know you should will upend your whole life horribly, it is so tempting to just 'vanish' it - your brain will even try to help you do this, blurring the memory or numbing the pain to enable you to maintain the status quo.

Getting it out of your head, into the real world, will help you maintain your focus on the issue and see it as it is. It will help you see yourself as your friend/mum/sister sees you - as a wonderful person they love who has been unforgivably wronged - rather than as your DP sees you, as a mug who deserves no better than what he's meted out. It will frame your next steps so you do what you know you should, not what he wants you to do (turn a blind eye) which will be practically easier for you both, but emotionally devastating for you in the long term.

Seriously tell someone. Make it real. Then let the reality they see be what guides you, not the fear you feel of your life coming apart or the yearning to go back to how things were before you knew.

Some people can get past an affair because other factors are more important. I can't. My strongest relationship values are around trust and honesty, so it would be the end for me. I know I would never be able to trust someone who cheated on me, tried that doesn't work, it made for a toxic relationship.

Good luck to her if so. I never knew a MM who thanked the OW for telling his wife...

There's no right or wrong way to feel.

It's going to be a whirlwind of emotions for a while, and some of them may seem contradictory (I hate him but I pity him, I wish I never found out but I can't go back to ignorance), but they're all valid. And they will all come, and they will all go.

Don't forget to look after yourself physically. You may be a bit numb or in shock or just deeply sad, but it's important to eat, drink and rest. (Try to think of your body as a pet cat that doesn't want to taken care of: yeah hiss all you want I'm still taking you to the vet.)

Remember that you don't need to make any decisions now. Allow yourself to feel everything that comes, think every thought that comes, and let it go again, like passing clouds.

It may be easier for you if he goes to stay with family or friends, at least in the short-term. You can't think straight with him sat there like a flower without the sun, all wilty and tearful. If he has a shred of decency, he should do this for you. You do not need to decide right now if that separation is permanent or temporary.

You need some time to allow all the thoughts and feelings to come and go, and to process this, before you make any drastic decisions. And also, remember that you are entitled to change your mind, too: if you decide to take him back but then find that it's not working for you, you can still ask him to leave. Nothing is set in stone.

Take care of yourself x

I also think that what a PP said is right on the money: feeling sorry for him right now is a protective measure. It's easier to focus on someone else's distress than it is to examine our own. And it's a sign that you are a naturally compassionate person, which is something to be proud of.

He’s only sorry for getting caught, guess he hoped to continue his dishonest and seedy double life with you unaware. Before maybe he felt he was in control, suddenly his cosy life is at risk .

He was likely sorry that he got caught and that you know. He clearly wasn't thinking about you and how it would impact his family when he did it or he wouldn't have done it...

I don’t think that what he’s done has hit you yet …

You feel empathy because he’s crying and putting on an award winning performance so that you won’t leave him .. BUT he wasn’t heartbroken for doing this to you before little miss I have been intimate with your husband dropped her happy msg was he?

He is devastated that he’s been caught and the thought of the repercussions of this affecting his life. Don’t get tricked into thinking any different.

I do fully get why you’re feeling this way, I always do feel awful for people too but you need to tell him to stop crying, take responsibility and tell the truth, He has broken the loyalty and trust and can’t just cry his way out of it, he isn’t 5.

The thing with cheaters … they get away with it once they will do it again so even if you want to stay in this relationship ( which can happen) and you can find happiness together again. But if that happens he needs to own this, and anything else he’s done and you have to make sure that he proves himself to you, make sure that you get therapy together and set some very clear boundaries… but 1st you need space to think - away from his tears and pity party.

He wasn’t upset when he was in bed with OP. No thoughts of you and your DC. Run for the hills!

You will feel sorry for him now and totally resent him later.

Having been the ‘other woman’ (without my knowledge) is it possible he’s lied to her about being with you? And she’s now learned it’s different?

When I found out I was actually the bit on the side, I messaged his wife and exposed him. They got back together and I was painted as the one in the wrong. He continued to contact me and even sent intimate pictures, again I told her and I was still the wrong one although I never responded to any of them. So please until you find out what lies he’s told her, don’t pin all wrong doing on her.

He will ultimately be upset that you’ve found out and he’s been exposed for what he is. Now he will try and damage control for himself and provide loads of justification for it.

How would you have expected him to react? Should he have been proud of it? Not given a shit? Claimed that these things happen, no big deal? It was just sex, it meant nothing? Of course he's going to act upset and remorseful.

Ultimately though, his reaction is meaningless because it's so predictable. Focus on how you feel, what you want. If you think you want to try and forgive and move on, do you genuinely think you can? I know I couldn't. Obviously, I would be terrified at the change and upheaval involved in separation and divorce. I also know though that I could never fully get over the deceit and betrayal, doubting that there was ever any truth in the claims of love if they could do that to me, never being able to fully trust them ever again.

Depends what you mean by kind I suppose.
I don’t think it’s very ‘kind’ to the children to see their mum treated like shit personally.
Its also not ‘kind’ to the friends/family who wipe up the tears, and then get invariably ditched when everything’s happy families.
People like this’s so called kindness only seems to extend to their dickhead partners

Victim blaming @PicturesOfDogs very poor form.

I’m not blaming them, I’m not saying it’s their fault their husband cheated, but their not being kind to their children.
You see so many adults where such a situation with their parents has profoundly affected them into adulthood.
Don’t dismiss this as ‘their mum was just too kind a person’ because it’s not kind to them

I’m not talking about the OP in particular I’d like to point out.
Just the dynamic in general. As I’ve said, it has a profound effect on more than just the husband and wife

Totally agree with you.

@Painterpallette I think you misunderstood.

You have a pattern of responding which a lot of we women have.
That's why your feelings don't seem to match the situation.

Feeling sorry for them is the co-dependent response.
You are so trained in only looking for the fragile/childlike part of your DH as a way you can ignore his bad treatment of you.

Like the two year old who kicks his mother on the shins. It really hurts her but rather than address it she might dismiss the hurt and impact say 'oh he's just tired, and he's only two!'
And thus the adoration of men begins and that mother teaches her daughter that their job is to soothe a man's difficult feelings while putting her own feelings aside.
That's fine with a two year old but not a grown man.

Putting our own feelings aside is a defence mechanism to be able to dismiss anger and avoid conflict.

So you might have to dig deep to allow your anger come up.

Don't feel sorry for him, reality is he's absolutely shat on your life, and humiliated you.
He would have continued to lie and cheat except for the other woman contacted you. Stay strong, he doesn't deserve your sympathy . Save your compassion for yourself because you need it now.

If he was capable of feeling that level of remorse during his affair I doubt he’d be the kind of person capable of having one in the first place. Affairs don’t operate like that, guilt gets shelved in order to get another fix. The limerance and the dopamine highs are drug like. No excuses here, they’re not insane or incapacitated and know it’s wrong, but anyone who starts an affair is not likely to end it midway because of guilt. Some can and do, but dopamine highs from limerance, sex, drugs, alcohol and even sugar are hard to kick. No excuses for people in affairs or addicts, they need to face themselves and sort themselves out, but guilt hardy ever stops anyone chasing a dopamine high of any kind, easier to lie to yourself and have one more hit than pull away. They know it is wrong and bad for them and feel guilt and shame, but they lie to themselves, excuse themselves, to avoid having to face reality. No excuses here, but the dynamic of affairs is that they are rarely touched by huge guilt until after the fact when the lies they told themselves don’t hold up any more and they are forced to look at their shitty behaviour. Serial cheats are cheats who never face up to themselves and run back to their drug. Nobody needs them in their lives. Most cheats are operating under identical dynamics during an affair, (most of these ‘twu wub” stories are depressingly similar) but not all cheats are the same. Doesn’t mean you have to stay with them while they sort themselves out though, after betrayal it’s the betrayed who decides.

Sorry that was a reply to @Gummibär , the quote didn’t attach.

I always remember the saying 'its better to lose a lover than to love a loser'.
Be happy with kids, keep everything as normal as you can around them. If you split, try to shield them and when they're older, they'll understand all you did to protect them. Focus on the good, your kids. Once could be a mistake but more than once is intentional. So sorry OP! You deserve better

I’m so sorry this happened to you. You should wonderfully caring but, as others have said, it’s important that doesn’t blind you to what you need.

You might find it helpful to use organisations like Relate (relationship counselling), or OnePlusOne (resources for relationships, including if a partner has an affair), to help you decide what you want.

*sound

It's funny how it's always 'I made a dreadful mistake' afterwards.

He's upset because he's thinking that his comfy lifestyle is coming to an end, not because he's going to lose you. If he was worried about that he wouldn't have cheated.
Men like this disgust me. The partner is busy looking after young children & is probably exhausted & needs support. She is probably not as exciting ( perceived by the man) as she was before children, and he misses having 100% of her attention.
I'd ditch him because he'll do it again. It's hard when you love them, but he has no respect for you.
I'm sorry this has happened to you, it's devastating.