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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Did you feel sorry for DH when he got caught?

221 replies

WhatFreshHell1 · 09/11/2022 14:20

Name changed for this as don’t want it linking back to my old posts……….

got a message out the blue yesterday from a woman saying she’d ‘been intimate’ with my DH. I confronted him (calmly) today and he admitted everything, apologised, said he knew he was a stupid idiot, he loves me and wants to say together but ultimately my decision. We have 2 youngish kids.

im obviously leaning towards separation but I actually felt sorry for him. He was totally, totally broken.

is it normal to feel like this, or is it just the shock reaction? I cannot believe this whole situation is happening. I half wish I didn’t know.

OP posts:
Original poster
WhatFreshHell1 · 09/11/2022 16:05

Thanks for all your support!! Means so much. I’ve been reading threads like these for years on Mumsnet and now I’ve started one. It’s just sheer disbelief at the moment. I expect anger will arrive in a few days.

OP posts:
GetThatHelmetOn · 09/11/2022 16:06

Your instinct is to protect him. He knows how you work so he's playing on those emotions.

Yep, women are conditioned to care for their families to the point we suffer Stockholm syndrome…

OP, never trust a man who cries, they know we women wouldn’t doubt their tears… trust his actions, not his words, that’s were the truth is.

ThreeRingCircus · 09/11/2022 16:06

Naunet · 09/11/2022 15:39

How sorry has he been about that? How much support is he trying to give you? Or is it all just about him feeling sorry for himself?

Show quote history

Exactly. So he's not only risked your marriage and entire family life he's also risked your health. I truly don't think I could feel sorry for someone that had shown me such little regard, especially when that's the person who is meant to be on my team.

Flowerfairy101 · 09/11/2022 16:09

IME it can take absolutely ages for what they've done to really sink in and for you to accept it as reality, and during this time you tend to feel sad etc for the cheating partner because you haven't really processed exactly what they've done on a deeper level its all 'oh what an awful mistake, but look, he's so broken and regretful'. You will probably feel differently in time.

Honeycombcrunch · 09/11/2022 16:10

I can guarantee he’ll be less ‘broken’ when you start getting legal advice about a divorce and start discussing maintenance and contact arrangements with him.

Needhelp101 · 09/11/2022 16:14

I actually comforted my sobbing husband on the sofa on which he'd fucked his mistress (a 'friend' of mine). He actually had the gall to say "I've been divorced before, it's awful!"

I would kind of hate myself for that but I was in such deep shock, I can forgive myself for just going into family protector mode.

I'm sorry, OP. Heed the words of those PP - he was happy as Larry when you didn't know, wasn't he?

kneeldownandenter · 09/11/2022 16:15

beachcitygirl · 09/11/2022 15:00

He's only sorry because he's been caught

Prick.

This

catandcoffee · 09/11/2022 16:18

Wonder if he felt sorry for you when he was dipping his dick in another woman.

Really sad for you OP what a terrible situation to be in. Just because he didn't want to control his dick.

fatnotfluffy · 09/11/2022 16:19

My ex had a complete breakdown when I told him I was leaving. The cheating wasn't even the whole reason, it was just the last straw that gave me the push to leave. Even now, ten years later, it makes me feel sad. I can't imagine ever fancying anyone again after feeling pity for them

Carlycat · 09/11/2022 16:20

He's broken 'cos he's got caught. He'd be wearing his bollocks for a bow tie if he was mine

Needhelp101 · 09/11/2022 16:21

OP, it will take time to sink in. It's like a bereavement. Please take care of yourself. If you can, talk to someone you love and trust who will support you.

Original poster
WhatFreshHell1 · 09/11/2022 16:23

He totally knows he’s fucked up. I think the reality must be setting in. Can you imagine knowing you’re responsible for so much hurt.

OP posts:
Original poster
WhatFreshHell1 · 09/11/2022 16:24

@Needhelp101 thank you

OP posts:
RainyDaysareCarp · 09/11/2022 16:26

WhatFreshHell1 · 09/11/2022 14:20

Name changed for this as don’t want it linking back to my old posts……….

got a message out the blue yesterday from a woman saying she’d ‘been intimate’ with my DH. I confronted him (calmly) today and he admitted everything, apologised, said he knew he was a stupid idiot, he loves me and wants to say together but ultimately my decision. We have 2 youngish kids.

im obviously leaning towards separation but I actually felt sorry for him. He was totally, totally broken.

is it normal to feel like this, or is it just the shock reaction? I cannot believe this whole situation is happening. I half wish I didn’t know.

They all do that when caught. It doesn't stay that way - then then go through the stages of they were unhappy, they deserved it, it was your fault and then angry because you won't forget about it.

gonnabeok · 09/11/2022 16:27

I was in your shoes 18 months ago. Your DH is only broken because he's been caught out. Wait and see how he behaves in a few months when you tell him you definitely don't dont want him back. All of a sudden they turn into the meanest, most bitter person you could meet intent on seeing you suffer because you rejected them. He didn't confess of his own accord did he?,says it all.

CheekyHobson · 09/11/2022 16:35

My ex seemed broken when I first found out about his betrayal. Talk of suicide, tears, claims of so much remorse. At the time I didn’t know what to think. He had a
rough childhood, I knew he had some issues, and felt it was all connected. He seemed willing to do whatever it took tp
repair things.

Over the next few weeks, things shifted. He started subtly blaming me for his choices. His initial huge efforts to be Dad and Partner of the Year started to slack off. And as I asked more questions, I realised the extent of the betrayal and that I’d actually come close to discovering it a few times in the past, and at those times he gaslit me and turned it all around on me being unreasonable and awful.

I realised that he’d actually been doing what he’d been doing remorsely for years without any real guilt or willingness to confront himself on his part while divesting himself of bad feelings by making me worry I was crazy and an awful person.

That’s when it truly sank in that the initial tears and regret were actually all for himself; about his fear of losing his comfortable life, his fear of looking like an asshole to everyone we knew and it was all a frantic attempt to get me to sweep it under the carpet and move on with no consequences for him. None of it was real remorse for the hurt I felt because he already knew he was hurting me the whole time he was betraying me and didn’t give a damn at the time.

Naunet · 09/11/2022 16:35

Angip3 · 09/11/2022 15:50

Nooooooooooo shes not, she just wants you to know so you will dump him, i have a friend who did the same thing as revenge for the bloke not leaving

But so what? Doesn’t change the facts, it literally makes no difference to the situation OP is in.

Bookworm20 · 09/11/2022 16:44

WhatFreshHell1 · 09/11/2022 16:23

He totally knows he’s fucked up. I think the reality must be setting in. Can you imagine knowing you’re responsible for so much hurt.

But he already knew he would be responsible for this much hurt. He knew the potential for that when he embarked on his little side hobby.

Remember one thing OP. He was WILLING to take that risk.

He was willing to risk causing you the most emotional pain you will ever feel in your life in order to satisfy himself sexually.
He was willing to risk tearing your life apart in order to satisfy himself sexually. He made that decision and took that gamble.

He was just hoping you wouldn't find out.
His risk hasn't paid off though and so of course now hes sorry. Now hes broken and sobbing like hes the damn victim here.

And you feel sorry for him because you love him and you can't relate to being ok seeing him in pain.

So don't see him in pain.
Tell him to get the hell out so you can think.
You can't do that if hes crying on the sofa with endless sorry's and how he didn't mean to hurt you and all the other tripe that is coming out of him right about now.

This is not about HIM. Its now about YOU. And what YOU want to do. And if you say jump he needs to be saying fucking how high. If you say leave, he should be doing exactly that. If he had any remorse for you in all of this, he needs to do exactly as you tell him to do.

Once hes gone you can start to process this. And decide what you need to do and where you need to go from here.

Aquamarine1029 · 09/11/2022 16:45

This bullshit "I'm so sorry" act is going to be like dust in the wind soon, I can almost guarantee it. You'll be amazed at how quickly this becomes your fault.

MoirasSaggyBundles · 09/11/2022 16:51

Depends. Is it genuine regret and remorse and a desire to make it up to you in any way he can?

Or is it a pity party that will morph into anger towards you for 1. finding out and, 2. driving him to shag someone else and 3. not forgiving and forgetting in an instance?

Trees6 · 09/11/2022 16:51

What a shock. Look after yourself OP and find some real-life support.

Remember that he’s devastated because he has been rumbled - that is the main reason. He paid no heed to your feelings when he was having the affair. Feeling sorry for him only serves to muddy the waters. You need to be clear-headed and put your interests (and the children’s) first.

And his sidepiece is obviously bitter, which implies that he made promises that he didn’t keep, or misled her about the status of your relationship. It probably wasn’t a drunken one-off so don’t let him minimise matters.

Needhelp101 · 09/11/2022 16:57

The other thing is that he's in shock too. He didn't expect to get caught. So he's probably flailing around telling you anything he can to try and minimise the damage.

From @CheekyHobson "That’s when it truly sank in that the initial tears and regret were actually all for himself; about his fear of losing his comfortable life, his fear of looking like an asshole to everyone we knew and it was all a frantic attempt to get me to sweep it under the carpet and move on with no consequences for him. None of it was real remorse for the hurt I felt because he already knew he was hurting me the whole time he was betraying me and didn’t give a damn at the time"

This is pretty much it.

I really feel for you. As others have said, you need some space (and some real-life support) to process this as best you can Flowers

SleeplessinSouthwold · 09/11/2022 16:59

Is it genuine regret and remorse and a desire to make it up to you in any way he can?
It's genuine regrets.
That the OW has made good on her threats to tell his wife.

Mamato3boysand2dogs · 09/11/2022 17:02

I felt sorry for my H too. Caught him searching all sorts online, it broke me but i felt bad for HIM because he was so sad. I knew i wasnt leaving so in the end, tried to make HIM feel better about what HE had done just so i could carry on with the day to day.

MrsMontyD · 09/11/2022 17:02

My ExH quickly went from sorry and remorseful and wanting to keep things amicable, to angry and aggressive as soon as I took legal advice and he realised it wasn't all going to go his way, because I was no longer on his team.

Then he had a full blown nervous breakdown when the reality of the consequences of his actions hit him.