Did you feel sorry for DH when he got caught?

[WhatFreshHell1]

Name changed for this as don’t want it linking back to my old posts……….

got a message out the blue yesterday from a woman saying she’d ‘been intimate’ with my DH. I confronted him (calmly) today and he admitted everything, apologised, said he knew he was a stupid idiot, he loves me and wants to say together but ultimately my decision. We have 2 youngish kids.

im obviously leaning towards separation but I actually felt sorry for him. He was totally, totally broken.

is it normal to feel like this, or is it just the shock reaction? I cannot believe this whole situation is happening. I half wish I didn’t know.

Did I feel sorry for him? No.

I briefly felt incredibly sorry for her though. Hard to explain it rationally but my initial thoughts were that he'd treated her really badly - made promises and plans that were dropped when he walked away from her.

Didn't last though....the rage caught on a couple of days later and I felt sorry for neither of them. Still don't.

I'm sorry you're in this situation @WhatFreshHell1. You hold the cards and whatever you want to do is entirely up to you...the pity for him will pass and you'll gain clarity. Good luck.

How do you know that?
That is typical MN answer … you don’t know, only the OP knows how she feels.
Life is not cut and dried, sometimes we have to look at at the whole picture and consider more than just ourselves especially where children are involved.
There is life after an affair it doesn’t have to be the end, people have affairs for all sorts of reasons, it needs careful thought and consideration before decisions are made, not the blanket MN answer ‘leave him’ throw away remarks like that are trivial and senseless.

people have affairs for all sorts of reasons

What are all these reasons then?

As many reasons as there are to have sex.

One thing I always tell women before getting into these relationships, before devoting your entire life to someone, is to always always “Make sure you have yourself together I.e Education and a SAFETY NET to fall back on.” Despite that you’ve fell victim to this mess like most women do and now you have to reorganise your plans.

No worries though, you’ll get through this for sure.

Just remember what I said. Protect yourself and your child. Best wishes ok.

It’s bloody hard to tell the difference between someone feeling sorry for you or for themselves.

@Thewookiemustgo

I do agree with a lot of your long post in response to my comment above. I think the way you tell the difference between someone who is feeling sorry for themselves and what they might lose and someone who is genuinely remorseful is the degree to which they can put the victim first and do whatever the victim needs for repair without self-justification, without melodramatics, without being tempted into courting sympathy themselves.

The fact that the OP says that her husband is acting devastated now when he was fine before makes me think that he's likely in the victim-stancing category.

Full disclosure, I cheated once when I was in my early 20s. I was in a not-very-satisfying relationship and swept off my feet by someone extremely handsome and charming. I felt so miserably guilty the day after it happened that I immediately confessed and broke up with my boyfriend as I obviously wasn't happy in the relationship and there was no point continuing to try to make it work. I also didn't get together with the person I cheated with as in the cold light of day I could see that wasn't going to be a relationship that went anywhere either.

I personally cannot imagine how someone cheats and then compartmentalises sufficiently to act normal until the truth comes out. If I had stayed in the relationship and kept quiet, the guilt would have eaten me alive. So I feel deeply suspicious of someone who seems to be quite fine but then is suddenly 'devastated' when the affair is uncovered. I don't think genuine emotions work that way.

Yes but so often affairs are not about sex.

@CheekyHobson that’s kind of what I was saying, that there are people whose guilt stops them or forces a confession early on, then there are people who can lie to themselves sufficiently to shelve the guilt. It doesn’t necessarily mean that their remorse isn’t real. You got ‘swept off your feet’ (no judgment here) and although it was just the once, remorse didn’t touch you at all until after the event, you were thrilled to be swept off your feet until reality and guilt stopped you. You didn’t feel remorseful in the heat of the moment. In the act itself you no doubt felt carried away and fine. The guilt ate you alive and remorse kicked in afterwards. Does that make your remorse not genuine because one day you weren’t remorseful and the next you were? Of course not! No judgment whatsoever, but just because you got swept off your feet and cheated then felt bad straight away doesn’t mean your remorse is any more genuine than someone who is swept off their feet to the extent that they can shelve the guilt and carry on and feels real remorse later. People can hide genuine emotions extremely well and for a long time and some better than others. Doesn’t mean it’s not genuine emotion.

They are for many men.

Not quite so many women.

So often, sex is not about sex.

I'm not justifying it.

Right, I mean not even caring about his wife enough to even protect her from STI’s, broken because he’s caught alright.

Presumably OW told him about potential STI and gave him the opportunity to tell OP and he didn’t

Just catching up on the latest posts. Really brilliant advice and support once again. I have told my best friend so at least I’ve told someone in real life. I do want rid of him but……. holy fuck… the fallout is going to be massive. I don’t even know where to start with splitting up.

where does he go? Does he just rent somewhere for a bit? I don’t want him to have some shitty little flat somewhere - I want him to have a nice place for when he has the DC staying. Sorry I’m rambling now…..

I think PPs are correct in saying I’m still in shock and it hasn’t sunk in yet.

I think you need to separate his emotional reaction from his action. A man who appears 'broken' at the thought of the loss of his marriage is no less a cheat and potentially no more committed to you than one who stoically packs his bags.
A visibly upset man is still enough of a rarity for us to find it quite shocking and affecting, and there's something in us that makes us want to make it stop. Many men know this and know the power of ttheir distress n manipulating women.
You need to remember that his tears are worth no more than yours, and his pain is no greater. Don't be fooled into putting his emotions at the centre of this, when it should be your own.
Practically I think you need to get away from his 'heartbreak', it's distracting you from a rational reflection on where YOU want to go from here.

Don’t believe his lies, he’s only sorry he got caught, no doubt it will happen again, it pretty much always does - get out now and save yourself more heart ache

It didn’t matter to him while he was cheating and it’s not your responsibility to look after him now he’s found out. He can find his own place or stay with a friend or relative but that’s on him. You concentrate on you and the children because he sure didn’t care while he was shagging the OW

Now and again when my ex comes to collect our youngest and I see what a mess he is I feel slightly sorry for him.

I then come back to the reality that he cheated on me.

He broke up his family and lost one of his sons as he thought the grass was greener.

Let him find somewhere to live, he only feels sorry for himself as he got caught!

Does that make your remorse not genuine because one day you weren’t remorseful and the next you were?

i do think a 24-hour period between doing something I had cause to be remorseful for and taking action to remedy the situation is a bit different to if I had done something I knew was wrong but was able to act completely fine for days, weeks or months afterwards.

The latter suggests that feelings of remorse are really not very strong (what’s known as “shallow affect”) if they are able to be easily compartmentalised away for a long time. Humans are not robots. If they are upset by something, it shows. People can hold in strong emotions for limited amounts of time but they leak out.

The OP should watch carefully to see if her husband remains devastated and remorseful and focused on her for a sustained period of time or if he comes right much more quickly than she does. If his feelings seem to pass quite quickly, it’s likely that there was a performative aspect to his early “devastation”.

OP, he was acting upset on purpose to make you feel bad for him.

He’s clearly played it brilliantly — dick in someone else’s vagina and in your eyes he’s a victim.

It’s not your fault - he’s manipulating you - but wise up!

He wasn’t broken before you confronted him though was he.

@Gummibär Totally agree that there is a difference between 24 hours and a much longer period. Still maintain that in the act itself and when lured in by temptation and opportunity, remorse is a long way away from anyone. Remorse means being sorry after the fact, regretting a past action, which wasn’t regretted at the time.
I still don’t think all tears are crocodile tears, even years later. Obviously they can be used to manipulate situations though. That’s the difficulty for the observer.
I know some people can carry remorse and secrets a bloody long time, no matter how strong the emotions.
Sometimes the person carrying the heavy secret leaks those emotions in private but can absolutely bottle them in front of others, I know people who are doing that right now. They’re not doing it cynically at all, and they’re not cheating, it’s to protect others and it’s certainly not my business to spill the beans and upset people who really don’t need to know. People confide in me a lot and other mutual friends would fall over if they knew what I know, it’s totally hidden for the person involved and a big burden to carry. I’m glad they felt they could tell me as at least they feel less lonely with it. It will go to their grave and mine and it’s best that it does.
Not everyone can do it but nobody knows what anyone is going through unless it shows or they choose to let us see or tell us. Some are better at it than others, but not everyone who expresses remorse later down the line isn’t genuine. You’d have to know how much emotional blackmail and cynical manipulation had gone on before in other situations to try to make a judgment call.
Anyway, OP has decided to leave and she knows him best.

I imagine he’ll probably go to her house anyway..