Did you feel sorry for DH when he got caught?

[WhatFreshHell1]

Name changed for this as don’t want it linking back to my old posts……….

got a message out the blue yesterday from a woman saying she’d ‘been intimate’ with my DH. I confronted him (calmly) today and he admitted everything, apologised, said he knew he was a stupid idiot, he loves me and wants to say together but ultimately my decision. We have 2 youngish kids.

im obviously leaning towards separation but I actually felt sorry for him. He was totally, totally broken.

is it normal to feel like this, or is it just the shock reaction? I cannot believe this whole situation is happening. I half wish I didn’t know.

I agree. OP, give yourself time and space to think. You need to decide what is best for you and DC.

It looks as if the OW is trying to make you leave him. So don't do that as a knee-jerk reaction. Only leave him if, after reflection, that seems the least bad choice for you and DC.

You now know you can't trust him. And he may cheat again, or leave you at a time of his choosing. But right now it's up to you to decide if and when you end your marriage. Don't be pushed into it by the woman he's cheating with.

"he's only sorry because he's been caught"

I don't get how people can blanket say this?

He wasn't crying and apologising and trying to make amends before the OP found out, was he?

That poor man. How could he have possibly known that his actions would have consequences? Harsh.😀

Experience.

If he was genuinely sorry for his behaviour he'd have stopped it and told his wife himself and not let her hear it from his OW.

the biggest problems now are what lies ahead;the lasting damage from this and the loss of trust that really is the cornerstone to any marriage.

@SleeplessinSouthwold He thought I'd want to stay friends and I'd make it easy for him 😂

He might feel genuine remorse about the pain and damage he's caused, but it's true that he probably wasn't feeling too bad before you knew. You didn't notice him seeming upset, so it apparently wasn't affecting him that strongly until now. Even genuine remorse after the fact can't erase the truth that he has cheated.

I'd fight against any impulse toward pity, because he should feel bad, but ultimately you can't control how you feel. Give yourself time to absorb everything and try to get a good night's sleep before you feel you must make any decisions. There's no rush to take immediate action.

This was my Ex - crying and begging to stay, that he had lost his way . For about a year he was better and tried to be a better husband but then he started to get angry, asking me to forgive him, saying he didn't want it referred to anymore , said that I didn't value him or thank him for providing for the family , that I didn't want to go out as much as him, getting thoroughly pissed at parties, snooping on MY messages and printing them out to see if I was talking about him, being embarrassed to go into a club we belonged to because "everyone would know" ( Yeah I really spread it about 🙄). he started living in a bubble of his own and booking first class holidays to go and visit friends without telling me. The rest is history. He is now married to his affair partner.

I'd be reminding myself that he wasn't crying while He was balls deep inside her!

No I wouldn't feel sorry for him at all.

I was seeing a guy then found out he was married. Stupidly I continued seeing him for a while. He said " we need to be careful as this will hurt a lot of people if it gets out". He knew the risks but was willing to take them.I dumped him a few weeks later.

Wasn’t sorry enough to tell you though 😡

Can you imagine knowing you’re responsible for so much hurt.

No, because I’d never betray someone I loved.

Don’t waste your time feeling sorry for him @WhatFreshHell1 , he didn’t think of you when he stuck his dick in someone else, he didn’t think of how much he was betraying you and your children when he fucked her and hid it, he wasn’t thinking of your health and well-being when he didn’t bother to use any contraception so put you at risk of an STD and risked impregnating some random woman…

DH: Let's stay civilised whilst I gut you out.
DW: Sorry darling, does your knife in my back hurt you?
😁

He won't be thinking of the hurt he's caused you, just the hurt to himself. The hurt to you will have been rationalised (he couldn't help himself, you weren't giving him attention, the other woman came onto him, it was just a few shags...etc)

Erm no.

When I found out an ex DP done it he appeared 'broken' yeah broken that he got found out and threatened to jump out the bedroom window... 🤨 so I said go ahead and left.

The exposure to an STI - questions - did she catch it from him, in which case who else has he been sleeping with? Did she have it prior to sleeping with your DH - why has she contacted you? Does he know /known for a while but decided to risk your health by not telling you until the OW felt she had to tell you ? Or has she decided to be spiteful for some reason?

if he had already dumped her and ended the affair before you getting that call I’d feel a bit differently to thinking he had been carrying on the affair until today, and knew you’d been exposed to an STI but decided his happiness was more important than your health.

You just don’t know what you’re going to feel until you’re in the thick of it; it’s like a death. We’re not really equipped to process it rationally.

This is partly shock. it’s also your inherent human decency, empathy and compassion shining through; which is why you’re not a liar and a cheat.

It’s really not that hard to avoid sleeping with people who you aren’t married to.

Sending you strength Op.

Because people who are genuinely sorry for mistakes* or bad choices they've made confront themselves, are honest about what they've done wrong, accept that there will be consequences to face and proactively make amends.

They don't wait for what they've done to be discovered and then fall apart crying and claiming regret. The tears only start when they know that THEY are going to have to suffer.

At a more basic level, really decent people stop themselves before making bad choices. They know an affair would be hurtful to their spouse so they don't have one, even if there's a really attractive person at work who is making eyes at them.

*Affairs are not mistakes, no matter what cheaters usually say. A mistake is something done by accident, without intention of harm. A very drunken kiss might fall into the category of mistake. But an affair is always a bad choice, a deliberate series of choices made in the knowledge that it will be hurtful to their spouse if discovered. The fact that cheaters hide their affairs (this is usually justified with the words "I didn't want you to be hurt") is clear evidence that they knew they were making a choice that was hurtful and wrong.

He totally knows he’s fucked up. I think the reality must be setting in. Can you imagine knowing you’re responsible for so much hurt.

That's simply not true, op.

He knew all along that he was 'fucking up'. He knew all along that he was cheating on you.
He chose to continue cheating on you.

He's only upset and remorseful about being found out!

That could be some protection mechanism from feeling your own feelings.

Don't waste your pity.

If he hadn't been "grassed up" by his fancy piece, he'd still be betraying you. He's nor contrite, he's worried that his comfortable life is going to change.

He's probably telling the truth about not wanting to lose you - he may not want anything from the OW except illicit sex. Moving in with her, supporting two households, looking a bad guy in the eyes of his children, having to face both your families, having everyone at work know what a sleaze he is - he won't want that!

I wouldn't say LTB - that's your decision and TBH it's one you should make when you have had a chance to get over your awful shock. Line up your ducks; work our where this would leave you financially if you do decide to separate - and make sure you get copies of all bank statements etc. Obviously don't say anything to your children yet.

How long has this been going on? It sounds like an affair rather than a one-off sh*g. Just ask yourself how much you can trust someone who has deceived you over an extended period of time.

Your dh could have chosen to end the affair and shown genuine remorse about his behaviour. But he chose to continue to cheat on you! He was hoping you'd not find out.

I think that's a very perceptive comment - @WhatFreshHell1 could be projecting her own pain onto him because it is easier to deal with at a distance.

I can only begin to imagine how shocked she must feel.

im obviously leaning towards separation but I actually felt sorry for him. He was totally, totally broken.

No wonder, you are in shock. This must be completely disorientating for you. There is no need for you to rush. Take your time to consider yourself & your family and spend less thought about comforting him.

It's all on him.

Really don't want to make this more difficult for you, but given you have just been blindsided it really might be worth your while to get hold of a copy of 'the script', the absolutely predictable behaviour which so often unfolds in this situation.

www.amazon.co.uk/SCRIPT-Absolutely-Predictable-Things-Cheat/dp/1401308422

Hope it doesn't work out like this for you but here you are so just in case. There are plenty threads on Mumsnet.