Did you feel sorry for DH when he got caught?

[WhatFreshHell1]

Name changed for this as don’t want it linking back to my old posts……….

got a message out the blue yesterday from a woman saying she’d ‘been intimate’ with my DH. I confronted him (calmly) today and he admitted everything, apologised, said he knew he was a stupid idiot, he loves me and wants to say together but ultimately my decision. We have 2 youngish kids.

im obviously leaning towards separation but I actually felt sorry for him. He was totally, totally broken.

is it normal to feel like this, or is it just the shock reaction? I cannot believe this whole situation is happening. I half wish I didn’t know.

Plenty of people make mistakes and don't broadcast them, or cover them up, because they regret it or are ashamed. If I did something that would jeopardise my relationship and deeply hurt someone I loved, I wouldn't be in any hurry to tell them even if I knew logically they deserved to know.

But if they made a genuine mistake and genuinely regret their actions they stop them!

Sure, like ending an affair and hoping it never comes out

What a shock OP, was this an affair or one night stand? That would influence my decision moving forward.

Ultimately only you can decide whether to forgive or not. Although there’s a lot of people here that might advise you end it they aren’t living it and don’t know how your relationship is nor how it has been in the past. I agree that he’s betrayed you and you would be completely justified in kicking him out but my experience is as a daughter. My dad had an affair with one of our barmaids, the whole family was devastated but my mum forgave him and they have been happily married ever since, it was 30 years ago. Some couples can move on and get through these things. I’m not telling you to forgive or to dump him - just giving a different perspective. Until you decide what you want to do confide in close friends but if you think you have a chance, not family as they would never let it go and you can’t move forward if there’s everyone giving him the evil eye!

@Keepitrealnomists well I know he met her in 2019 and I get the impression it wasn’t a fully blown affair, but was more than a 1 night stand ie they must have met up for sex a few times. He claims 2-3 occasions which im assuming is absolute bullshit - if it was that few then you’d know for sure. It wasn’t a drunken thing - he never goes out and only drinks on holidays. I’m assuming he’s gone to hers when I’ve been at work and he’s been on his days off.

I’m not even bothered about being on my own - I love my own company and was always happiest when single - I’m just devastated that the children’s world might be turned upside down. Not my fault I know…….

How did she know your number?do u know each other in real life?

You don’t want the relationship to end so you’re subconsciously trying to find a way to make him the victim and therefore feel better about staying with him.

It’s the same reason women blame the OW more than their DH who cheated on them.
And they pretend that the OW somehow tricked him into having the affair.

If you want to stay with him then that’s absolutely your choice.

But my advice to you would to not feel sorry for him, as he hasn’t cared about your feelings.

He has completely disrespected you and was willing to risk the relationship for this women.
There may have been multiple women and if you haven’t found then he would have carried on.

He also needs to know that you will not put up with this.

If you immediately forgive him he is going to know that you will turn a blind eye and keep taking him back and he will carry on cheating, probably worse than before but if you show him that he almost lost you over it then he’ll be much less likely to do it in the future.

You will also feel angry one day.
If you’ve already forgiven him and you feel it a few months down the line (which often does happen) then it is much harder to deal with.

Try and get angry now.
Be upset and angry that he has treated you this way.
Make him beg for your forgiveness and promise he’ll never do it again.

Then if you forgive him, you’ll truly be over it and you can both move on.

Sure, like ending an affair and hoping it never comes out

@SavingsThreads

Sure, like ending an affair and hoping they never have to face any consequences for their betrayal by continuing to make dishonesty foundational to their relationship.

Fixed that for you.

You’re still missing the point that the cheater is making how they feel and what they want more important than how their spouse might feel and what their spouse might want. That’s not how healthy relationships work. Both partners in a relationship have equal rights. One person doesn’t get more to have rights than the other just because they don’t like the idea of taking responsibility for their own actions.

@ssinhk she messaged via social media. She must have done some digging. No I don’t know her in real life thank god.

I'm not missing that point at all. My point was that you can't just decide someone hasn't been sorry until to moment they get caught!

I get sick of Adulterer's Apologists on these threads.

He's not sorry for doing it - if he was he a) wouldn't have done it or b) would have owned up to it without you having to find out from the OW.

He's sorry he got caught out and had no choice but to confess.

He's not accidentally slipped his penis inside her...
He's made a conscious choice to visit this woman for sex on several occasions knowing he's

-Married
-Shouldn't be doing it
-Putting you at risk of infection
-Rushing his family
-Risking his marriage

And presumably assuming that

-He won't be found out
Or
-You'll forgive him
-He'll be able to talk you around

On that basis - no way could I stick around. Trust is gone and without that there's nothing.

@SavingsThreads

you can't just decide someone hasn't been sorry until to moment they get caught!

I think it's entirely reasonable to assume that if they were really sorry they would stop and to draw conclusions from their behaviour when they only stop when found out.

Hi there, I’d just like to echo @StopsWalkingToSneeze an affair doesn’t have to be the end, please take time to consider the future for you and your children.
Affairs happen for all sorts of reasons and I don’t think it’s unreasonable to believe that your OH does genuinely regret what he’s done.
My OH had an affair over thirty years ago but we stayed together and have had a happy and fulfilled life together.
You must of course follow your own heart.

But we're not talking about people who don't stop until they get found.

I was challenging the assertion that all cheaters aren't sorry until the moment they get found out.

But we're not talking about people who don't stop until they get found

While I can't speak to what you are talking about @SavingsThreads, this thread really is about a situation where that happened which kinda does make it relevant and pertinent here.

By all means continue to post on this thread, which is about an entirely different situation. If that's what you want to do, rather than starting your own thread ... if you think it would be helpful on this thread.

No need to fall back on 'ah I didn't realise I had the wrong end of the stick so I'll just tell the poster to go away'.

All I did was refute posters telling OP her marriage was doomed because her DH was only sorry because he got caught. A useful perspective I thought rather than LTB'

If you wish you didn’t know, and have it in your heart to also feel sorry for him - I think you may possibly be open to try to work through this.
Obviously, you can’t make any decisions now - you need time to process.
But many people do manage to work through affairs - and in fact most families don’t break up, not according to therapists.

But of course it’s a long and painful process, requires time, couples (and individual) therapy, openness and real communication. He will need to put in a lot of effort. Both of you would, actually.

What made him do it? Why? Feelings? Sex? Excitement? What?

a drunken one off is more forgivable than someone consciously cheating on you again and again.

risking your family for the sake of a few shags? Also, even if he got away with it surely it affects how he sees himself and you and the family unit that you have?

nah, I wouldn’t feel sorry for the cheating arsehole. He knew what he was doing and what he was risking. He has betrayed you and you will never feel the same towards him or your relationship again.

He wasn't sorry when he was shagging her, and he wasn't remorseful enough afterwards to come clean himself.

He's sorry he's been found out.

I hope you're ok OP.

I felt relief, but that's because mine was an abusive cunt. Yours also appears to be a cunt for cheating on you, please don't feel sorry for him. He'll only be sorry that you found out.

@WhatFreshHell1, are you considering contacting the OW to ask for details (extent of involvement, time range, location, etc.? I would need to compare her story with your H’s.

My point was that you can't just decide someone hasn't been sorry until to moment they get caught!

Again, you are confusing feeling ashamed, embarrassed, guilty, fearful and regretful with being sorry, which means sadness for someone else’s pain.

If the betrayed spouse doesn’t know they’re being betrayed then they’re not suffering (unless they suspect and on top of being a cheater you’re gaslighting them into thinking they’re crazy) so you are not actually feeling sorry for them. You are only feeling sorry for yourself, sorry that you have no self-control or self-respect, sorry that you don’t seem to be able to live up to your own promises, sorry that you’re risking the benefits you receive from the relationship
you don’t especially value but haven’t bothered to end so that your partner has the chance to find someone who can treat them with more respect.

It is not until you can shift the focus from your own feelings to your spouse’s feelings and recognise that they deserve the absolutely basic respect of your honesty (even if that means you have to suffer even more) that you are genuinely feeling sorry for THEM.

He has betrayed you and you will never feel the same towards him or your relationship again.

I think that's the biggest issue. You will never be able to forget and trust him again. Ever!