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Original poster

Did you feel sorry for DH when he got caught?

221 replies

WhatFreshHell1 · 09/11/2022 14:20

Name changed for this as don’t want it linking back to my old posts……….

got a message out the blue yesterday from a woman saying she’d ‘been intimate’ with my DH. I confronted him (calmly) today and he admitted everything, apologised, said he knew he was a stupid idiot, he loves me and wants to say together but ultimately my decision. We have 2 youngish kids.

im obviously leaning towards separation but I actually felt sorry for him. He was totally, totally broken.

is it normal to feel like this, or is it just the shock reaction? I cannot believe this whole situation is happening. I half wish I didn’t know.

OP posts:
Mariposista · 09/11/2022 15:07

I didn't feel sorry for him. He blamed me, told me I made him do it because he needed more attention and affection (I was studying for my final year exams and was exhausted but did my best to be a good partner). He turned some of my friends against me. It was a shit time.

BlingLoving · 09/11/2022 15:09

Based on my entirely unscientific experience of one woman I am close to whose (now ex) P did a brilliant job of making her feel sorry for him when his behaviour was appalling.... I'd say that it's not entirely unusual. In her case, it was part of a longstanding history of coercive and controlling behaviour from him that she had largely been oblivious to (because he had consistently done a great job of convincing her that whatever the issue was, it was really HER fault etc or, if it WAS his fault, it was only something he'd done because he had a bad childhood/felt insecure/loved her so much or he'd done in response to her supposed bad behaviour).

Believe it or not, she STILL feels sorry for him. Even as he continues to let her and her DC down etc.

MrsMontyD · 09/11/2022 15:21

Be very careful, unless you are very very certain that you are likely to want to continue this relationship, you are now no longer on the same team, be wary of agreeing to anything while you are still emotionally coming to term with this and he's still able to make you feel bad for him. No decisions about money, property, children, nothing until you've taken legal advice.

You need some space to think without him in your ear. If you think you're likely to separate it's good to find some anger at this point.

catfunk · 09/11/2022 15:26

Was he sorry and apologetic and remorseful before you found out?
I doubt it, bet he was living his best life.

Cheminaufaules · 09/11/2022 15:28

BlingLoving · 09/11/2022 15:09

Based on my entirely unscientific experience of one woman I am close to whose (now ex) P did a brilliant job of making her feel sorry for him when his behaviour was appalling.... I'd say that it's not entirely unusual. In her case, it was part of a longstanding history of coercive and controlling behaviour from him that she had largely been oblivious to (because he had consistently done a great job of convincing her that whatever the issue was, it was really HER fault etc or, if it WAS his fault, it was only something he'd done because he had a bad childhood/felt insecure/loved her so much or he'd done in response to her supposed bad behaviour).

Believe it or not, she STILL feels sorry for him. Even as he continues to let her and her DC down etc.

Some people are just good eggs. More that that actually. People like this are often thought of as doormats and weak but many of them are just 'good' and kind people.

Gummibär · 09/11/2022 15:32

Was he sorry and apologetic and remorseful before you found out?

Exactly this!!

Original poster
WhatFreshHell1 · 09/11/2022 15:32

I won’t be making any rash decisions. I’m definitely still at the shock stage. I’ve got that horrible feeling in my stomach like I’ve been kicked. I still can’t believe it. When I think of the upheaval ahead of us I feel sick.

OP posts:
FruitTwistandShake · 09/11/2022 15:33

Was he acting broken before he knew that you knew?

Original poster
WhatFreshHell1 · 09/11/2022 15:37

@SO224350 yes she says the reason she has got in touch now is because I could have potentially have been exposed to an STI! I’m confident I don’t have anything but will get checked anyway. Like I haven’t got enough to worry about.

OP posts:
Naunet · 09/11/2022 15:39

WhatFreshHell1 · 09/11/2022 15:37

@SO224350 yes she says the reason she has got in touch now is because I could have potentially have been exposed to an STI! I’m confident I don’t have anything but will get checked anyway. Like I haven’t got enough to worry about.

How sorry has he been about that? How much support is he trying to give you? Or is it all just about him feeling sorry for himself?

ArcticSkewer · 09/11/2022 15:40

You are used to being a team and supporting him through hard times.

It's a bit of a head fuck when you realise he needs supporting because he has hurt you! Your brain just hasn't caught up yet and you are in default mode

OldFan · 09/11/2022 15:41

im obviously leaning towards separation but I actually felt sorry for him. He was totally, totally broken.

Not so broken that he could stop himself shagging someone else despite the potential consequences @WhatFreshHell1

Gummibär · 09/11/2022 15:42

He's simply feeling sorry for himself.

Otherwise he'd have stopped seeing her and showed some concern for your feelings!

I would never ever trust him again.

Gummibär · 09/11/2022 15:43

He was totally, totally broken.

That you found out!!

SwordToFlamethrower · 09/11/2022 15:43

Why did she tell you? What pissed her off?

I think that's important information.

Also OP, you feeling sorry for him is worrying to me. You ought to be fucking furious with him.

Butterbean9 · 09/11/2022 15:43

Imagine if he loved you and wanted to be with you so much he didn't fuck another woman.

He's feeling sorry for himself because he got caught, I would have zero sympathy for him.

Aikko · 09/11/2022 15:44

He was having the time of his life balls deep in someone else, and didn't care enough about the consequences of his actions.

Gummibär · 09/11/2022 15:50

Would he have been remorseful and 'broken' if you hadn't found out??

Angip3 · 09/11/2022 15:50

Nooooooooooo shes not, she just wants you to know so you will dump him, i have a friend who did the same thing as revenge for the bloke not leaving

KettrickenSmiled · 09/11/2022 15:53

He was totally, totally broken.

Broken by being found out.
Not broken by his act of betrayal.
He was functioning absolutely fine while he was shagging his OW, while he was coming home to you & acting as if he were still faithful.

Funny how he only broke when there might be a consequence to HIM innit.

pinheadlarry · 09/11/2022 15:54

As the saying goes..
You either have a BIG heart or you arent very smart..
I wonder if he felt sorry for you and the kids when he was shagging that woman..

Veryxonfused · 09/11/2022 15:58

Don’t think about how his face looked when he was crying and apologetic, think about how his face looked when he was shagging her.

SleeplessinSouthwold · 09/11/2022 15:59

I think it's normal to feel sorry for him, he's a complete shit and will have to live with himself for the rest of his live. That's tough.

Cookingmama999 · 09/11/2022 16:00

Cheating is always a conscious choice. Stay strong, you sound like an empathetic loving person, its not wrong how you are feeling. You will probably go through all the emotions. Take care of yourself and your babies.

Pasc611 · 09/11/2022 16:03

You feel sorry for him because he has shown himself to be so pathetically weak. This will closely be followed by falling out of love with him. You will never see him the same way again. He has feet of clay - that's why you feel sorry for him.