Coping with the crushing realisation that you will never leave for their and the DC's sakes.

[Dreamwhisper]

Just turned 29. Lots of the time things are good but when they are not it shines a light on all that I am uncomfortable with. Partner has poor mental health and takes medications that cause spells of intense and worrying sleepiness, but is also designated SAHP.

Had another argument about things of this nature today and he just can't see my POV. Feel held emotionally hostage by them, saying they won't take medication then - which would just make things 1000x worse.

Running through options in my head like I do every time it gets like this and have yet again come to the realisation that pragmatically I will never be in a position to leave. It would never work. The only way it would ever work would be if he worked on himself and improved his mental health, in which case I wouldn't want to leave anyway. But has very little motivation to change and that's the most isolating and worrying part.

Guess this is it for at least the entirety of my youth.

Why can’t you leave?

You can leave. You really can.

Practically it would never work. I work full time and have no support, DC are very young and with 3 of them the cost of care would far outstrip my earnings, I would have to give up my career which I am just getting a foothold in.

I would constantly be worried about partner which is compounded by how he acts whenever we have spoken about separating in the past. Constantly be worried he wouldn't cope with the DC. Wouldn't be able to rely on him for childcare if we didn't live together. He has been a SAHP since our DC was born so hasn't anything of his own set up and between MH and medication plus being the carer for our DC would really struggle to find work so would have nowhere to take them, he'd be living in a house share.

The upheaval for the DC would be unbearable for me. He is not abusive at all, is a loving dad but has a lot of issues which as much as I love him means he is as much of a job to look after if not more so than the DC and as awful as it makes me, I have to admit my truth in my times of weakness which is that it is a real struggle to worry after him, has a lot of practical implications and the resentment is creeping in over time.

There he is now, slumped over at the desk asleep. Was like that over last weekend, I am working this weekend and will have to go to work worrying about how he is coping without me. I WFH and have my work pattern set around the school run so I can always oversee it and do it if he's not well. I have no idea how we would be functioning as a family if I was in the office.

Or perhaps it would be absolutely fine but he constantly makes me feel like it wouldn't be due to his health. Not a gamble I can take with DC

You certainly can take the gamble. Your children won't thank you for making yourself miserable.

You are doing your children no favours. They see exactly how dysfunctional and toxic your relationship, and they also know how unhappy their mother is.

I don't know how to take the leap. I am resentful of a lot of things that only come to light when we have these arguments. How his default setting is to be angry at me for not being sympathetic but I have been there for years, been there through so much, hidden addiction then enabling him so he didn't suffer then through recovery which is still ongoing.

All I want is a normal life and to live our dreams together. As we get older (he is older than me) I'm severely worried it's all a fantasy and will never be good.

I've used up all my coping resources. I may speak to Al Anon. I'm prepared to be told that he is right and I'm not empathetic enough anymore but it is so. hard. To watch the person you love and have dependents with sleep walk through life and then act like you're the problem when you can't accept that.

There are no prizes given out for martyring yourself. Feel the fear and do it anyway.

You have a choice re this man, your children do not.

Staying for the supposed sake of the children is a position that often does not stand up to close scrutiny. What do you want to teach your children about relationships and what do you think they are and will learn from you both if you stay?.

You would not want your children to be in such a relationship as adults so why do you think it’s ok for you, it’s not. All staying will do to you is further ground you down and in turn drag your kids down.

This is just deeply hurtful though. I genuinely don'y know what to do for the best and I am in such a dark, low place right now. Being told I'm a shit mum with a shit relationship isn't helpful.

Most of the time they are happy and we get on more than fine. Are in love. Don't abuse each other. But his poor mental health means I feel I have to pick up more and more slack which I smooth over or get on with to keep the peace.

I was in a similar situation and I left. It was scary, I felt guilty and debated leaving for a long time. I spoke to CAB and even though I worked full time I was eligible for some help, I was fortunate to have a good support network. I was single for 2 years and happily so, now very happily married and me and my ex get on well for DDs sake. I am immeasurably happier than I was. Of course not always the case, but you can leave.

I never said you're a shit mother. I'm just being truthful about what this type of dynamic does to children.

And in practical terms what would I even do. We rent and are on the joint tenancy. He has absolutely nowhere to go and nor do I. Live in a very expensive and competitive rental market area in the SE. No social housing for either of us and no family to live with. It would be a case of kicking him out which I actually wouldn't even have a right to do even if I wasn't guilted into staying.

I am the person in the wrong no matter what. If I stay I'm damaging my DC. If I go I'm damaging my DC.

I don't know how my life has become like this. It was fine before 2022.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?. Who taught you how to be a codependent partner and enabler?. Did you see addiction at home?.

Your codependent relationship with your addict has done both you and he no favours at all. If you really do love this man you would let him go. You are so very bad for each other and this will never work out.

Your children will become far more aware of how dysfunctional your relationship with their dad is as they age.

You could start by telling your husband that unless he makes huge changes and gets help, you will be making the necessary plans to leave him. Lay it all out on the table.

Funnily enough my parents had the exact same dynamic. SAH dad with a drink problem. Mum worked hard to earn money but wasn't around much but as I got older saw how much she looked after my dad but also how my dad was immature and leaned on her far too much.

It kills me to be the role of my mother in this but I loved my parents deeply. In fact it took years to notice there was anything wrong with the way my dad was.

You don’t NEED to leave now OP. You’re only 29. There are a lot of years ahead of you.
stay where you are and she was 2023 and 2024 brings you. Things probably will improve.

in the meantime. Try and find ways for your partner to improve his mental health.
ask him to do one extra thing each week which benefits you both.

Indeed no one has called you a shit mother.

He needs to go. He is really in no position to be able to care for these children. Who pays the rent, I assume you pay it all. Why is he also named on the tenancy?.

Where he goes is not your problem going forward but you feel so so very responsible for him.

I would leave, give up work and be a full time mum.

Did that and brought up today that he hasnt done those things. He left a voicemail to his medication provider saying to cancel his medication (in retaliation to me saying I was worried about his sleepiness)

If you WFH could you rent somewhere cheaper further out?

If he started managing his MH better would that change how you feel?

If he is sleeping all the time, he is on the wrong meds. Has he been back to see his doctor?

So he's blackmailing/threatening you. "Shut up or else. Look at what else I'll do."

That is pure manipulation and abuse.

Yes I do, he had a shit awful life and hasn't worked in part due to caring for our DC so I feel guilty leaving him as he has absolutely no support network or ability to step into the work force.

I have never felt so low in my life I have no idea what to do. It's like night and day when things are good and bad. When his medication isn't making him tired he's nice and sweet and we get on and make plans together.

But it keeps circling back to this and each time I feel like I'm in denial. Then he will wise up, realise he's upset me, apologise and do and say things to make up for it.

It makes me feel like why would you give up stability because of his poor MH, is that the right thing to do?

Dream Whisper

History has a nasty habit of repeating itself and indeed you are repeating your parents dynamic here with your own children. This dynamic has immeasurably harmed you and it will do much harm to your children also if it is allowed to continue.

You have a choice re this man and you need to make better choices than your mother made with you. Better to be from a so called broken home than to remain in one.

A lot of the time his meds seem fine but 2 - 3 times a month or more sometimes he has periods of being intensely sleepy. Like falling asleep standing up, incoherent sleepy. He had what could be described as a breakdown at the beginning of this year and ever since then we can't shake these spells. There always seems to be a different reason or excuse as to why it's happened.

I don't know whether I'm being gaslit over the reason or if I;m being unfair or judgemental, genuinely. By that I mean sometimes I suspect he is doing things to put himself into this state but it also could not be the case at all.

You need to get off this merry go around completely before you and your children are further harmed.

He is threatening and otherwise manipulating you here into doing what he wants.