Coping with the crushing realisation that you will never leave for their and the DC's sakes.

[Dreamwhisper]

Just turned 29. Lots of the time things are good but when they are not it shines a light on all that I am uncomfortable with. Partner has poor mental health and takes medications that cause spells of intense and worrying sleepiness, but is also designated SAHP.

Had another argument about things of this nature today and he just can't see my POV. Feel held emotionally hostage by them, saying they won't take medication then - which would just make things 1000x worse.

Running through options in my head like I do every time it gets like this and have yet again come to the realisation that pragmatically I will never be in a position to leave. It would never work. The only way it would ever work would be if he worked on himself and improved his mental health, in which case I wouldn't want to leave anyway. But has very little motivation to change and that's the most isolating and worrying part.

Guess this is it for at least the entirety of my youth.

OP my heart goes out to you.
I have experience of addiction. A shitty childhood plus substances is the perfect breeding ground for addiction to occur. Unfortunately it's more complicated than just giving up the addictive substance. Until the underlying cause is dealt with he will keep relapsing or new addictions will pop up in its place. It is VITAL he has professional help to deal with it. This is too much for you to deal with on your own and it needs a professional to help him navigate through.

Forgive me if I've missed it but what substance was he addicted to?

Diazepam is the devil's drug and it sounds like he's possibly now addicted to them too? I also wonder if he is buying them illegally as GPs are very reluctant to prescribe them in high amounts and for good reason. The side effects of more than a few days use can be horrific as can withdrawing from them, and this is all on top of the original MH issues that caused addiction in the first place.

He needs to get his medication sorted by a professional and to get it stabilised.
Do you have private health insurance through your work that would enable him ty see a psychiatrist, or is there any way at all you could pay for a one-off appointment to urgently get his meds sorted? If not, then badger his GP and keep on and on badgering them even if it means him getting sectioned. That's far from ideal but it's not an ideal situation.

And as you said up-thread, getting in touch with al-anon is a good idea. Also NA/AA sometimes have meetings for families of addicts.

Ultimately he does have to be willing to help himself but addiction can turn previously-loving people into absolute monsters. It isn't as simple as him just being 'selfish' but equally you would not be being selfish if this was too much for you to carry any more.

I just wanted to say I understand that you worry about the quality of care your husbund provides/would provide if left on his own or after you separate. Not sure why other posters cant see it. You are in a very difficult situation.
Have you suggested/tried couple counselling?

Morning I started reading your post last night and I'm afraid my phone died and I fell asleep, but I really felt an urge this morning that I must get in touch with you. My situation has been very very similar for the last few years and you entirely have my sympathy. It's a horrible place to be in. Just as background, my husband has longstanding mental health problems. He's always smoked weed, but it's become apparent recently that this is definitely an addiction. Almost invisible emotional abuse similar to what you describe , feeling trapped , responsible for him as if my actions were cause potentially the worst outcomes in him and it'll be my fault forever , endlessly frustrated at his lack of seeking help or following medical advice to the letter and then having more problems as his body seeks to adjust to fluctuating levels of meds .
Wehave Got two small children. One at school one nursery. I have own have my own physical health problems and have been doing the stay at home parent part albeit with different financial circumstances.

I have immense gratitude to The kind people of mum's not who helped me see through the mess that was in front of me and help me make a decision. However I had done a number of things before I went to Mumsnet.

Perhaps these things can help you
Confined in a good friend or two. Knowing that people have my back felt amazing. A problem shared as the old saying goes is not honestly a problem Halved, But it stopped the whirring going on in my mind. I felt less alone
Write a journal. Splurge out all your feelings on paper- Keep this somewhere he will never see it!
I've written endless lists, pros and cons helping me decide.
Read the book called untamed by Glennon Doyle, It's often in the bestseller list and so it doesn't look like you're really a guide to how to be a strong women and change your life - But I've had so much strength from the words in this book and still read it often.
Get some counselling If you can afford it, If not, Samaritans is very helpful to have someone lesson so you can put your thoughts in order.

More to come

In someways it’s really good that he’s left a voice message for somebody else because then there’s somebody to collaborate your story about the emotional abuse and the coercive control.

Don’t stay with them I stayed with somebody for three years longer than I should’ve and it was fucking miserable the minute it was gone it was like the way to the world lifted off my shoulders I literally looked 10 years younger

For goodness sake, he's an adult,you are not his parent! Why did you have three kids with someone with so many issues, did the mental health problem only start recently? He does not sound safe to leave around kids, you need to get rid of this millstone.

I could’ve written your post pretty much identical ten years ago op. Older Dh who was the main cared as I worked full time as he could never hold down a job and had poor mental health. Had 3 dc. I felt beyond trapped.
I still look back and can’t believe I left. But I couldn’t take it anymore. It was the single best decision I’ve ever made. Dc were five. I am now living the life I should’ve had.
please don’t think this is forever op.

I'm willing to bet that the periodic sleepiness occurs when he decides to take OTC codeine based pain relief on top of his usual meds. Nurofen plus or paracetamol and codeine is a common choice as its so easily accessible.
You could try asking him straight out, or maybe look for empty boxes. Knowing this could at least stop you wasting time going down false paths of getting prscribed meds adjusted, and so on. If it is this and he could manage to stop it could make a huge improvement to his functionality.

Hi OP

If you truly want to leave him and nothing is going to change that then you must start thinking and exploring practical ways you can start this process. There will be ways and it will be possible but you have to be able to disregard his reactions and be ok to focus solely on yourself and your DC’s and the practical ways you can cut ties and set yourself up without him.

However….I’m not sure from your posts whether this is truly what you want to do? If not then you need to take the bull by the horns and really think about what it is you want from him, what could he do that would make you want to stay? Both practically and emotionally. Then lay it on the table and give him some time to digest it. I will say that whilst poor mental health can be horrendous and debilitating there comes a point where it does not excuse bad or hurtful behaviour. If he really is so far gone that he cannot take any practical steps to get it under control then he needs much more serious professional help, however I’m not sure this is the case yet by your post so far. You must be honest with yourself about what he could do or change that would stop you from walking out the door.

I will add that I had a parent who stayed with their partner despite them being verbally abusive when they were drunk and then blaming (sometimes rightly, sometimes conveniently) mental health for their actions. They also were very quick to blame my parent for their lack of empathy and say they would be made homeless if my parent ever “kicked them out”. For the life of me, both as a child and as an adult, I never understood why my parent didn’t call their bluff and ask them to leave. It was obvious this person was making everyone’s lives miserable and continued to do so for many years afterwards. I don’t know how old your DC’s are but there will come a point where they will see your misery and start to feel it themselves if you do not tackle this head on.

If his medication makes him sleep all day than he needs to change it. He needs to work with a psychiatrist to find what medication works for him. Accessive tiredness can be a side effect but if it doesnt go away in the first weeks when the body is adjusting to the medication, then he needs something else. Is he having a therapy? What else is he doing adressing his issues?

I have no practical advice but I wish you all the best for the future op.
I can't believe the vile, judgemental vicious bitches on this thread. You're all so lucky to have perfect lives and relationships.
To all you horrible posters out there kindly fuck off and find someone else to torment.

Hey op, I have no doubt that you love this man and gave tried your best. Perhaps starting counselling and building an escape plan will start to calm your anxiety and make you feel confident in your decision. Tackle one issue / problem at a time and build a plan and timeline. You sound like an immensely strong and capable person. You can do this.

Regardless of what you decide to do with your marriage. Please get medical help for him. Maybe the medicine is not effective anymore or giving him too many side effects.

There are plenty of medicines to try for MH, the point is to find the right one.

Believe me, I have a friend whose life completely changed after reducing the dose by 1 mg of one of the medicines. I can see her personality and energy back, same as she was prior to having MH issues.

I'm so sorry you're in this fix, OP. I have experience of similar, but minus children.

The truth is I think having a family is overwhelming for him. I think he would be better living alone and being able to get out in the world. But he has a terrible fear of abandoment which is triggered whenever I've said we might be better off seperating.

You know what needs to be done, for him as well as for yourself and the children.

Part of the problem is that you're so used to doing everything for him that you also want to do his growing-up for him. You can't trust him to do it for himself.

Of course, splitting up will be unbelievably difficult. Don't attempt it until you can witness his suffering without immediately feeling you must step in to "fix" it.

But if and when you summon that resolve, rest assured that however many agonising difficulties and obstacles you'll need to face, there will also be many rewards.

Sometimes the right thing to do is also the most difficult. Have faith that things will work out in the long run. Even for him, in whatever way he chooses to grow. In my situation, I was worried my ex-DH would top himself. He didn't, but I had to come to terms with the idea that if he had, that was his choice. Steel yourself OP and focus on your actual sphere of responsibility, which is for yourself and your DC, not your DH who is an adult (or at least deserves the opportunity to become one).

Hope this makes sense and good luck

I've just seen you said the addiction is pain medication - is it codeine?

Wishing you all best OP. You will come through this. No situation lasts forever. You sound like a great Mum.

It would be very interesting to see the change in responses had this post been written by a man. “Hello I work full time, my wife is s stay at home mum with mental health issues, always depressed, I can’t stand her. I feel trapped, she’s quite a leech who brings nothing to my life. I do all, I’m the bread winner and CEO, I sort of love her though . How do I get rid of her? I’m miserable and so is she.

I normally agree about sexism on MN but I don't think this thread is an example of it. OP's DH has an addiction (to opiates?) that is poisoning their lives, and does not cooperate with attempts to reduce the impact of this on the family.

He blackmails you to stay with him.

And by staying you are 100% enabling him to carry on in his looked after and secure environment. Of course he doesn’t want to ever lose that. He IS abusing you.

You cannot help somebody that will not help themselves and why should he want to in his cushty position?? Hence this miserable cycle will continue.

For him, the only hope you can have is that by leaving him, he will have to step up and get the proper help he needs.

Not to me it wouldn't. Nothing less interesting that posters popping up all over the place to labour the tired old argument that MN is mean to men. The OP is a woman and people are helping her. Who cares about some daft theoretical scenario about a male poster? This is an important issue and your agenda isn't appropriate here.

It was not written by a man and the situation is not as you describe. Her man's addiction weighs heavily in her posts.

The OP herself goes onto write earlier on in this thread, "Funnily enough my parents had the exact same dynamic. SAH dad with a drink problem. Mum worked hard to earn money but wasn't around much but as I got older saw how much she looked after my dad but also how my dad was immature and leaned on her far too much".

History indeed has a nasty habit of repeating itself.

That was to @Sandra1984

Op l feel for you it is not your fault he has MH problems and it is very clear that you have been supportive. The negative posts here say far more about the posters than about you so please ignore them.

YOU CANNOT CHANGE A PERSON, only offer support.

Please take that in. As another PP said he is responsible for his recovery and health, you cannot fix that.

You deserve to be a happy too for yourself and your children. As it seems impossible now please plan for the future when the Dcs are all at school.

Focus on moving up the career ladder to max your income, you will need it, improve your credit score so that you have the best chance of renting easily elsewhere. Talk to a recruitment consultant about any better options/ and future roles and salaries, consider how to get where you need to be.

Look at areas from now, where you could afford rent and be close to a good school, ideally very close so Dcs can walk in due course.Consider and research places you have not thought of.

Assuming he does not improve and you have to move on, plan your best options and start heading towards them. When you are frustrated focus on your plans it will help.

He may turn his life around and you may not need your plan but you should do it.

What a sad situation.

You need counselling to help you navigate your way forward. Things are not going to improve as they are.

Does he want to recover from his addiction? Supporting an addict in recovery is a huge burden on someone who is already stressed and unhappy.

It's a horrible decision to make but I think you have to separate while he seeks help.

Sending you love and strength to get through the next few months.

Oh the double standards!

Oh give it a rest will you? This is a thread started by a woman in crisis. It's not the time and place to divert from the support she needs by pushing your tired agenda. We hear quite enough of it already on countless threads. My advice would be the same to a man as to a woman on this issue.