Coping with the crushing realisation that you will never leave for their and the DC's sakes.

[Dreamwhisper]

Just turned 29. Lots of the time things are good but when they are not it shines a light on all that I am uncomfortable with. Partner has poor mental health and takes medications that cause spells of intense and worrying sleepiness, but is also designated SAHP.

Had another argument about things of this nature today and he just can't see my POV. Feel held emotionally hostage by them, saying they won't take medication then - which would just make things 1000x worse.

Running through options in my head like I do every time it gets like this and have yet again come to the realisation that pragmatically I will never be in a position to leave. It would never work. The only way it would ever work would be if he worked on himself and improved his mental health, in which case I wouldn't want to leave anyway. But has very little motivation to change and that's the most isolating and worrying part.

Guess this is it for at least the entirety of my youth.

It would be very interesting to see the change in responses had this post been written by a man. “Hello I work full time, my wife is s stay at home mum with mental health issues and is a recovering addict who I suspect is still using, always depressed, I can’t stand her. I feel trapped, she’s quite a leech who brings nothing to my life. I do all, I’m the bread winner and CEO, I sort of love her though . How do I get rid of her? I’m miserable and so is she.

Have added the pertinent information you missed out @Sandra1984

What a nasty post! Assuming you are very hurt by perhaps doing the exactly same thing. Please seek help for the anger you are feeling.

So you're having to work full time to provide the household income because he's an alcoholic with mental health issues and can't hold down a job?

What's he doing to help himself?

@gemsandmilk I see. I had misunderstood your post.

I agree with everyone saying that you should get counseling but if that is problematic due to cost or wait lists I suggest that you try and focus on your own physical well-being. And if possible do things that you enjoy for you. Others here will have better suggestions for accessing counseling and what to look for in a counselor.

@katepilar What a nasty post!

You think I'm "nasty?"

IMO anyone who chooses to have children with a man without the benefit of marriage is denying themselves protection under the law.
Unmarried couples do not share the rights, responsibilities, protections, or status held by married couples. This is the case whether or not they live together.

If a women chooses to do cohabit when unmarried it's her lookout, but adding children to the mix is creating a whole host of problems if the couple separate.
IMO it's not only irresponsible it's just plain stupid.

I've advised OP to seek legal advice - you think that's 'nasty'?

And I don't mind saying so.

Assuming you are very hurt by perhaps doing the exactly same thing.
Please stop assuming things.

Please seek help for the anger you are feeling.
Again, please stop assuming, and give your head a wobble.

I'd be interested to hear how you believe being married to a mentally unwell addict offers greater protection to a woman who holds the financial power in the relationship than cohabiting?

@5128gap

The legal rights and responsibilities of couples who are married or cohabiting are complex and depend on a variety of factors.

However, as I understand it (and please note I am not a solicitor) this is a general summary.

If a woman and her partner hold their money in a joint bank account, either as a cohabiting couple or a married couple, they will both be joint owners of the money, even if only one of them ever makes any deposits.
If the relationship ends, then the money will still belong to both of them.
However, if they are cohabiting and one has not had any use of the account at all, then it may be difficult for them to claim any right to the money in the account.

In both cases it is advisable to close any joint accounts upon separation so that there is no risk of one partner accessing the money and running up large debts.

If a co-habiting woman and her partner have separate bank accounts, then both are in charge of their own money and each partner will not be able to access the other's account.
However, if you are married and your partner dies, you may be able to access their account, once their estate has been settled.
If you are a cohabiting couple and your partner dies, you may be able to request access to the account, but this depends on various factors such as if there was a Will and how much money is in the account etc.

Debts work in a similar way to money held in bank accounts. Generally, any debts that are in your own name will be solely your responsibility, whether you are married or cohabiting.
You may be responsible for the debts that are in joint names, such as council tax or if you have acted as a guarantor for your partner’s debt you will be held responsible for paying it.

If you are cohabiting, unless your partner leaves provisions for you in their Will, you may not inherit anything unless you were joint owners of any property. If you inherit money or property from an unmarried partner, you are not exempt from paying Inheritance Tax, as married couples are.

HTH

I haven’t read all posts but I would suggest counselling. Maybe for yourself if you can’t go with dh. You can leave and work as you could share the children. It sounds like you are holding the financial responsibility and hoping for more from your partner. Communication is key. You obviously feel there is more to life. You need to unpick where it has gone wrong.

Yes, I'm aware of the legal position. I'm curious about your application of it in these specific circumstances. The OP is cohabiting with a man with no income or assets. She is the sole earner snd they rent their home. Were he to die, there is no indication of anything for her to be the beneficiary of. I could understand if you were directing your advice to her partner in this scenario, but as far as the OP is concerned she is far better off having no legal ties to her partner.

Diazepam is the devil's drug and it sounds like he's possibly now addicted to them too? I also wonder if he is buying them illegally as GPs are very reluctant to prescribe them in high amounts and for good reason

I have a degenerative condition that causes painful muscle spasms. All the antispasmodics I was prescribed had awful side effects. Diazepam helps a bit but to get more than an emergency dose took years. Even then I am on a low dose. They make me drowsy along with other painkillers. I would not look after very young children on my own feeling like this as I wouldn’t feel I could guarantee their safety. I would be very surprised if your DH has been prescribed long term regular diazepam for MH issues. I’ve been given them only as a last resort for an incredibly painful degenerative condition and they did not make the decision lightly.

@5128gap
Yes, I'm aware of the legal position. I'm curious about your application of it in these specific circumstances. The OP is cohabiting with a man with no income or assets. She is the sole earner snd they rent their home. Were he to die, there is no indication of anything for her to be the beneficiary of. I could understand if you were directing your advice to her partner in this scenario, but as far as the OP is concerned she is far better off having no legal ties to her partner.

If you are aware of the legal position why ask me about it?!

And, if it was as simple as you suggest then why isn't she long gone?

As I said, I'm not a solicitor and these situations can be complex. That's why I suggested OP get legal advice.

Actually, it wouldn't surprise me one bit if there isn't more of a backstory to emerge here. 🙄

Our situation was similar to yours in that I worked full time, he worked part time, he has/continues now to have bouts with severe MH issues with several chronic addictions. I would urge him to seek medical and mental help and he would not take responsibility on his own to do so, would sleep sleep sleep while I picked up the slack with the children and financially. I carried him on my medical insurance (US) and would call to get him help when he was in his worst states. He also had a troubled childhood and for years I cut him slack for that. I had entered treatment on my own years before I met him, for depression caused by anxiety. I intermittently go for "tune-ups" as needed. I take responsibility for myself.

After having given many chances for him to seek help for himself and follow through on his own with therapy and medications and stop being a sleeping lump on the couch, and him being angry and verbally abusive to the kids and to me, I decided I was no longer going to play the role of his mother ("Did you take your medication?", "Did you make a follow up appointment?", "Did you not go to your appointment today?") and I was no longer going to allow him to play the role of petulant, rude, and helpless child ("Stop nagging me. I'll take the medication if and when I feel like. I'll take a nap whenever I want to. I'll go gambling whenever I feel like it. I'll smoke in the house and in the car in front of you and the children if I want to. Stop treating me like a child. I'll do whatever I want with my (our) money it's none of your business.") and so I stopped "nagging" him. He stopped seeing a therapist, he stopped taking his medications, he gambled (repeatedly) chunks of our money away. He couldn't believe I would actually follow through when I told him if his inaction and unwillingness to get help for himself continued, that I was not going to remain with him. He lost the bet that I would just always be understanding and sympathetic. I finally understood that the only person who could help him out of his situation was him, and that I had been enabling his behavior, and for the good of me and our children, and my future financial well-being, I put a stop to it and so it was he, essentially, who ended our marriage by breaking his vows to me, not the other way around.

He had checked out years before from being a marriage partner, and I merely ended it legally.

It WAS very hard on the kids at the time, but as soon as they were able, the older ones chose to live with me full time, and the youngest one (14) said to me recently "Mom, you should have left Dad way earlier." And I know he loves his dad, too, all of our children do, but they all have eyes.

I wish you all the best, @Dreamwhisper , and you'll do what you think is best for you and your children.

Diazepam I couldn’t think of the name! Yes a pp is absolutely correct that GPS are very very careful when prescribing them and will only offer very small doses that’s why I’m saying he is clearly topping up with other drugs

Hi Op. I've been in a remarkable similar position to you. I realised one day that while ever I was with him, I wasn't able to put the DC first. Most of my energies were going on what mood he was in, whether he'd taken his meds, how he was feeling, if he was capable of looking after DCs, what I would find when I got in from work, resentment at being the only one keeping the home and family afloat.

I had to put on my own life jacket so I could save me and the DCs. I wasn't responsible for his health problems and I couldn't resolve them. I had been incredibly supportive but no amount of begging, cajoling, supporting, throwing money at the problem (money we didn't really have to spare), shouting and encouraging would make him take positive steps to help himself. I acknowledged that as an adult I had a responsibility to myself and my children first and foremost. He was only ever going to put himself first. Way above the DCs or me. I realised that if we stayed together, he still wasn't getting better but I was getting worse. My own mental health was suffering because of the situation. And one day he might do something stupid and endanger the DCs, and I would be a shell of my real self.

I had all the worries you've mentioned, but I went ahead and divorced him. Only after I made the decision did I find out a few things that had happened which could have endangered DCs, and then I was confused why it had taken me so long to put the DCs ahead of him.

I haven't regretted it for 5 minutes since then (and it's many years ago).

This isn't 'just' about his MH issues either.... he is threatening and manipulating you to do what he wants and to give up your life for him. Geel no guilt. He is responsible for himself. As a loving partner you want to help of course, but you can't help someone who won't help themself, and you aren't responsible for someone just because they won't accept responsibility for themselves.

@layladomino Very well said. You put the life jacket on in order to save yourself and your children; the men in these cases put themselves first for nobody.

@Ihavehadenoughalready snf @layladomino ❤ 💗

"and" not "snf"! 😂

I asked because you were being critical of the OPs decisions and using the generic MN 'you should be married' advice to justify your comments.
In reality the advice to get married is given to protect the more financially vulnerable party. Its given a lot on MN because its generally directed to women who's financial independence is compromised when they have children.
In the situation in question, the opposite applies as the OP is the earner and her partner the financial dependent. There is therefore no benefit to her in being married to him (unless he has other assets she hasn't mentioned) and she is in a stronger position financially because she isn't, if only because she will avoid the administrative costs of divorce.
I see nothing but benefit in the fact they are not married, but you seemed to hold such a strong alternative view, I wondered was I missing something.
She hasn't long gone for the multiple reasons discussed in the thread. None of which are effected by marital status and many of which are not financially based.

@5128gap
Where does it say that OP's partner has no assets?

Thank you so much and these are exactly my fears for both him and my DC. I don't think people who haven't been in these situations can understand how deep the worry lies.

I've been working today which is unusual but had an event, I'm just catching up.

just to state the obvious,I won't be engaging with any "WHY did you have children with this man" posts so please spare you time and energy and my already faltering mental health. Please.

I'm so sorry you are going this and it sounds like you really do understand, I have more to say too but I'm just getting in 💐

Second paragraph of OPs second post says he has nothing of his own set up, would struggle to find work and would end up in a house share.

@5128gap Ok, I've got the picture.

I get it . You feel that while you're together you can police him and look after him and stop him turning into a person who is going to cause your children pain, shame and anxiety. Whereas if you leave him, given the children will always have a tie to him, you're passing on the baton to them. You're making the sacrifice so they don't have to.
I wish I had an answer for you. Some of us get dealt a very poor hand in life, where every option comes at a cost and we have to choose our hard.
All I can say, is talk to others who've done it viz support groups, understand the possible consequences so you can mitigate the impact of them. And of course, the things you fear are the worst case scenario, there are plenty of people with positive stories of breaking free. You might be one of them, as you deserve to be.

Also OP there is no reason the children would need to go to him in his current state: it’s unsafe. I think they could only overnight with him, for example, if he sorted himself out. And then it would be safe. So I think you have that safety catch.