Coping with the crushing realisation that you will never leave for their and the DC's sakes.

[Dreamwhisper]

Just turned 29. Lots of the time things are good but when they are not it shines a light on all that I am uncomfortable with. Partner has poor mental health and takes medications that cause spells of intense and worrying sleepiness, but is also designated SAHP.

Had another argument about things of this nature today and he just can't see my POV. Feel held emotionally hostage by them, saying they won't take medication then - which would just make things 1000x worse.

Running through options in my head like I do every time it gets like this and have yet again come to the realisation that pragmatically I will never be in a position to leave. It would never work. The only way it would ever work would be if he worked on himself and improved his mental health, in which case I wouldn't want to leave anyway. But has very little motivation to change and that's the most isolating and worrying part.

Guess this is it for at least the entirety of my youth.

be there for them*

The only person who can help him is his own self. He is not going to listen to anyone until he is himself ready and willing to fully accept he has a problem.

How about we take a practical look at your resources and options, and think through different scenarios?

If you are wfh, could you move to a substantially cheaper area?

Have you any family nearby? or anywhere that you could move to?

could you pay another parent to drop your dc home? (Very handy pocket change for a sahm)

what childcare would you need to go it alone - there are different options and price points.

Is he claiming disability? Has he any income?

Does he have any family?

Your parents showed you a similar dynamic and you’ve repeating that now with your children.

I would think he has done no research of any kind, let alone researching at 3-00am like you have done. That was your choice. Why did you do this? Again it’s linked with your enabling and codependency.

Surely you can empathise with the fact that once complex mental health and substance abuse issues emerge, you do feel that as someone's parter, if the relationship was otherwise good, that you would want to know if and how you can support them?

And plenty of the time I have spent researching has been about whether it's right to stay and when it's right to leave. But on the internet everything is so different depending on whether it's aimed at people who are addicts or people like me or whatever.

I'm just so angry and upset. A PP has confirmed all my fears that it would be shitty of me to leave him at this point, and other posters have pointed out how it's shit for my DC. But it's not shit for them as long as I play my role, never raise any greivances and pick up all the slack. Keep doing all the cooking and organising and mental load and being there to do every school run if necessary and take them out at weekends and plan birthdays and holidays and give them a stable home with people who love them around.

But I dream of not having to worry about coming home and finding him dead or unconscious or relapsed from recovery. And I dream of not having to watch him sleep for what feels like 50% of his life

Sometimes I wish I could just "quiet quit" from our relationship but that would never work. I actually tried that but he was too lonely to accept that we weren't together and it got weird and was just miserable for everyone.

It's a clean break or no change and a clean break isn't realistic right now.

OP why do you keep saying he had a shit life , what's this got to do with what's happening now ?

Are you saying everything has been fine until last year and he's now addicted to painkillers ?

Is he under a psychiatrist ?

Sorry for asking but things are a little jumbled,or it could be my understanding.

You’ve done all you can. He’s not listening and at this point he chooses this addiction over his own relationship and family. He knows how desperate you are to see him well and happy.

As AttilaTheMeercat says,
he’s not going to listen to anyone until he is himself ready and willing to fully accept he has a problem.

He is an adult and can choose to step up or remain as is.

Invest in yourself now and let him go make his own way.

You’re always there for the children, now it’s time to ensure you are kind to yourself and do everything you can to move on from the relationship to allow yourself to be happy.

Sending you love and strength
xxxooo

How does one do such thing 😂

His substance abuse led to him further developing issues pertaining to his mental health, that was always going to happen.

But by doing as you are and have done you are not supporting him. You have enabled him and doing that had not helped you or him. You and he should not be together at all. A clean break will need to happen at some point in your life and that should happen sooner rather than later. You have a choice re this man and your children do not.

He had no diagnosed issues while we were together until the end of my second pregnancy. Third pregnancy was a contraceptive failure that I couldn't not continue for my own feelings plus, because this had come about after second pregnancy, I was after a long slog able to support him in getting treatment and things were actually in a good place.

I believe the addiction started when our first DC was about a year old but can't be entirely sure. He admitted it in 2017 and it took a long time to get treatment which was very stressful. He was on the road to recovery in a fairly stable way and things were good best from after birth of youngest child in beginning of 2020 but in beginning of 2022 he had some kind of break down, sought lots of medication options to deal with it, and things seem to be backsliding in terms of his mental health since then.

I've been busy having 3 DC, enjoying the good/calm parts of our relationship which is about 80% of the time, but his MH and outlook has been on a steady decline over the course of this year. Arguments over its impact on me are becoming more frequent and each time I feel dismissed and wrong footed which is slowly causing more and more resentment in me, which he is taking as me no longer having empathy for him or caring about his struggles.

I do care, I've been there through the worst of things and only tried to support him in making the right decisions. But watching someone you love decline while not being able to change it is heart wrenching. Now we are where we are and we have argued and fallen out more in the last 9 months that we have in the entire 9.5 years of our relationship.

Thank you so much and for the well wishes, I can't tell you how much I needed to hear this

Your home is also not a stable one because there is always an undercurrent arising from his addiction. Your children are also seeing your reactions, both spoken and unspoken to him, and they likely hear and see far more than either of you care to realise. Showing your kids that all is supposedly well as long as you as their mother does not complain and does everything in an attempt to keep this leaky ship afloat will do them no favours either.

????

His addiction is linked to his further decline in his mental health and such addictions too usually go one way, down. There is nothing you can do to help him also because he does not ultimately want to be helped. It’s his choice still.

I have no doubt you care for him but it’s not coming from a place of caring as such, it’s come from your own codependent mindset. You and he should absolutely not be together now because he will drag you and your kids further down with him.

OP, I can’t believe some of the judgemental posts on here. Leaving is so often not that simple and can create (temporary at least) worse outcomes for the children.

It doesn’t sound like the situation is causing your dc distress at the moment, so you are absolutely NOT a shit mum. People telling you that you’re ‘martyring yourself’ or damaging your kids by staying should shut up.

I understand that feeling of wanting to leave but not being able to. I stayed 6 years longer than I wanted to and it was still incredibly stressful when I did.

It sounds like your situation would be difficult if you left at the moment so could you bide your time? Is there anything you could put in place now to help you in the next couple of years?

This will not be your life forever. It might seem impossible now but one day you will feel able to and you’ll know you are done.

Thank you so much

Well he's yelled at me and said stuff like "I'm through with you" because I was visibly off with him and still couldn't understand my POV.

I'm hoping that the way he's spoken to me means I will have an out. I can't believe how different it is when it's not good. Like I don't recognise him or the things he's saying and he doesn't seem to recognise me either. We'll see how it goes in practical terms but there's at least a glimmer of hope that we will both recognise it's not working on a fundamental level, instead of it just being me and him making me feel like I'm awful and hurting him.

There he is now, slumped over at the desk asleep. Was like that over last weekend, I am working this weekend and will have to go to work worrying about how he is coping without me.

Your poor kids :(

This is not a good environment for any of you but especially not for the DCs.

It does sound like you’re being a martyr and you’re making a lot of excuses.

You say he’s the SAHP but then also say things that would make most parents worry about leaving him to care for his DCs alone.

Honestly I think you’re more concerned about being alone and having to give up your lifestyle than you are about him coping alone, as I do not believe you would leave the children with someone so unstable.

No one is saying that this relationship needs to end forever but you both owe it to your children to live separately so they can have a better home life.

He needs to take time away from you to work on himself and you need to take time away from him so you can end this codependency and learn to be strong on your own.

Just wanted to send you love. Have nothing practical advice-wise to offer. Not very useful for you but I’m glad there are some others who can act as a good sounding board. It helps to talk.

He knows how desperate you are to see him well and happy

I constantly tell him this even when things are good but when we argue he is determined to portray me as someone who is just spiteful and malicious, which is actually incredibly wounding when I have stood by him through the very worst of his issues. I'm talking spending the last of our money to ensure he has his meds before he got treatment from a recovery service. But then when I point out this as a counterpoint to him saying I'm just mean and see him as an inconvenience, I'm then told I'm digging up the past and using it to hurt him.

I just want to take the line that right now, this relationship isn't good for anyone and isn't working.

Honestly I think you’re more concerned about being alone and having to give up your lifestyle than you are about him coping alone, as I do not believe you would leave the children with someone so unstable.

This is absolutely not the case. I would live on the bare bones of my ass if it meant my DC were happy and safe. I just have this constant and extreme fear whenever I get to the point of feeling like I might to leave which has only mainly been restricted to this year) of it being worse for them. It is absolutely nothing to do with me wanting to martyr myself, or keep up a certain lifestyle, trust me I'm not earning that much but I am the bread winner and I do worry what shared custody would look like, the emotional impact, all of this.

I may be wrong, I may be naive and not looking at it right, and I may be influenced by my own upbringing. But please don't think for one second that I'm not trying to do best by my DC because they are all I think about, my life revolves around them and being there for them. My heart is broken

I agree with hellopello

You can’t do anything to ‘fix’ his addiction or how he manages his medication or how/if he engages in recovering. You don’t have to be dragged down by it indefinitely either though.

Can you work towards childcare requirements changing once your youngest gets their nursery place and in the meantime doing whatever you can to start towards separating from your DH - getting advice, info, support etc.

Sadly his addiction is his focus not his family and his responsibility to doing everything possible to maximise his chances of becoming an equal partner not an extra child is his alone. You aren’t obliged to get sucked in to his manipulation either. A bit of tough love might be a good idea so he knows if he rings up to cancel his medication etc he will get no attention or reaction from you.

my situation was very different but I stayed in my marriage for 25 years. I wants to leave but found reason after reason not to. My DD is now very messed up and has replicated our dysfunctional marriage in her own. Our relationship is very hands off and I wish more then anything I had taken steps to get out much sooner. You might not be able to leave this year or even next but you can work towards it and make sure your DH knows you can’t live this way and aren’t prepared to. Look after yourself. You aren’t a shit mum. You have a very difficult situation which might take a year or two to free yourself from. You obviously love your DH very much but sadly that doesn’t mean he is going to be a viable long term partner. Good luck OP.

Get a nanny.