Coping with the crushing realisation that you will never leave for their and the DC's sakes.

[Dreamwhisper]

Just turned 29. Lots of the time things are good but when they are not it shines a light on all that I am uncomfortable with. Partner has poor mental health and takes medications that cause spells of intense and worrying sleepiness, but is also designated SAHP.

Had another argument about things of this nature today and he just can't see my POV. Feel held emotionally hostage by them, saying they won't take medication then - which would just make things 1000x worse.

Running through options in my head like I do every time it gets like this and have yet again come to the realisation that pragmatically I will never be in a position to leave. It would never work. The only way it would ever work would be if he worked on himself and improved his mental health, in which case I wouldn't want to leave anyway. But has very little motivation to change and that's the most isolating and worrying part.

Guess this is it for at least the entirety of my youth.

I'm on Quetiapine @Dreamwhisper , that's one of the most hardcore meds you can get. I've been on many antipsychotics (major tranquillizers) and temazepam etc.

The only times anything's effected me like you describe is if I get absolutely rat arsed on top of it.

Does he seem to have gaps in memory (blackouts?)

I really am suspicious that he's drinking on them.

But either way he's not being the best partner or dad.

Hello again lovely,I had to stop earlier due to the mentioned husband walking in.

The rest of my story is this - I did all the work on myself, to make myself as strong and clear of mind as I could possibly be. I gathered as much emotional support as I could from friends, organisations like Famanon, a health condition forum I'm part of, and my brother, my counsellor really leant on them, and I started to believe that I was worth making these changes for. I read the front page of the wine s aid website and saw for the first time that actually I was in an abusive relationship and ge was gaslighting me. This realisation made me so terrified that I hadn't been able to see this for myself. However I read back through my journal and this provides the evidence to needed to believe my feelibgs. I saw that his problems didn't have to be mine forever, no Matter how much I loved him, I wouldn't be able to fix him, he would have to do that himself. That I was allowed a calm life. Then I left him.

I was so lucky to have a windfall inheritance at just the right moment which meant I could move house and leave him where he was. I am so grateful for that.. however there are ways to get out when you're ready. The practicalities of moving house were very difficult for me due to my health condition but I asked for help and wasblown away by how many people came and assembledfoatoack, cleaned out cupboards, packed boxes, it was amazing. If you are feeling the weight of responsibility that I was feeling about not wanting to cause him harm, see him stranded etc etc, you could arrange an onward housing arrangement for him. From what you have said it t doesn't sound like he contributes to the rent , I'd seek advice on this from women's aid - how to get him out . Or how to get yourself out. It doesn't have to be straight away. I had 3 different times of leaving for a week or a fortnight over a two year period before I finally made the move. Write down all your feelings. Maybe on your phone? But put a good code on it.

I can tell you it has been so hard, but so worth it .the feelings of peace and relief when I was finally in the bed of my new home was amazing. I feel like I can hear my thoughts and feelings now- and trust my own judgement which I couldn't before.
I was really worried that my anxious sensitive daughter would fall apart- she didn't, she's sad understandably, but calmer, less anxious, much less of her outlandish tantrums ( she's 7) and I believe this is because she's no longer living in a war zone. Husband did fall apart, but after about two months he really picked himself up. I think a lot of his condition ( self neglect, lack of motivation/ organisation to do shopping , cooking, cleaning) became visible because I wasn't there caring for him clearing up after him . This has been upsetting to witness but I think he can now actually see the problems he's been in denial about for years. He just commited to a new course of therapy so I'm quietly hopeful.
I really thought we would have a relationship break, he'd get well and we'd get back together again. Now I can see this won't happen but that's ok. We see a lot of eachother and are mostly like old friends, he comes for family dinner several nights a week, puts kids to bed,shares the parenting to some degree but they don't sleepover. It's an unusual set up but working for us, for now anyway.. I've said he has to figure out how to care for himself reliably first - he was angry about this to start with but I think gets it now and accepts the need to change. You can make up a new way to be a family that feels safer all round. And whatever happens doesn't mean things will be like that forever, everything changes. Change makes us stronger..

If you are concerned about your children's safety, trust your judgement and do something about this. You could arrange extra playdates maybe with the kids friends? I don't know how old the kids are. Perhaps the local children's centre could help. You can be honest with them. If they see cause for concern, trust this and it may be the wake-up call he needs. In terms of his health, if you feel he is not proactive enough - which is of course a symptom of depression and the current health system only helps those who ask for it - you can contact his GP and tell them your concerns, they are bound by confidentiality and can't say anything back to you, but they can listen and use this to inform their next step. I think if they are aware of certain things, they have a duty of care to contact the patient to ensure they are safe - and my GP contacted my oh on several occasions - I requested he call it a 'routine medication check ' and not to let on I had been in touch - because this invariably led to more anger and shouting. Usually the doc would be able to convince him to adjust meds in some way that was helpful for a little while at least. I wrote them long emails directly to his preferred GP because of how hard it is to get an appointment. Although I did once of twice make an appointment - for me- to go to talk about him. Much as you might of you were the carer for someone - which is something else you might want to think about.. I'd say I've been his carer for a long long time but only realised this year when registering myself for another relative. And I'd say I still am to some degree even though we have split up. Talked to my counsellor about this and realized maybe I always will be. I still care very much about him. But an m much happier having him at arms length.
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Sorry this is such an essay! Your story touched a nerve. None of it is your fault and I hope you can find some answers to your troubles and a bit of peace in whatever form that takes some time soon. Believe that you are worth it! Xxx

@Escapetothecountryplease I loved your post.

And whatever happens doesn't mean things will be like that forever, everything changes. Change makes us stronger
= wise words indeed.

I've just seen a funny typo. Wines aid.. I meant women's aid of course but a drop of whatever you need to get through all this is of course also helpful!!

Another thing I thought I'd mention, they say that depression is catching, I don't know if there's any science in this, but I definitely absorbed some of his anxiety and malaise . Leaving was like shaking off a heavy coat. There is however science which proves that couple relationships can maintain depression.. and new therapy models starting to be delivered in NHS that use this knowledge to guide the treatment. Very interesting stuff. Google couple therapy for depression. Although I don't even know if that is what is the clinical problem with you guys .

I took the kids away for a fortnight alone when I felt really unable to cope ( rented a cheap holiday let near home, carried on with school etc,) about 6 months before the proper split. This time was really helpful, firstly as respite from all the shit at home, but I also learned that I could parent by myself. I'd say all mother's can , you'll do whatever you can for your kids . It's not as exhausting doing it solo long term as I imagined as I don't have the emotional exhaustion to go alongside.

Best of luck

What a great post!

So I have been reading about codependent relationships and it’s basically us to a tee isn’t it.

I think on the spectrum of codependency we are not at the very extreme end because he does not do stuff out of malice and I don’t think he wants to control me, but he does want to keep the status quo at all costs. And I am the definition of the partner trying to smooth everything over and not cause upset, except I do at least recognise that I am unhappy and try to rail against it and change it, but we are pretty close to the extreme end.

It is funny because I have never looked up codependent relationships because I thought it meant 2 people with the same trauma or addiction issues being together. I guess literally from that episode of Friends where Monica has the drinking boyfriend and when she starts drinking to put up with him he says he’s not ready to be in a codependent relationship!! 😅

It really is such a strange feeling to read something and see my life staring up at me on the page.

Now to do further reading and see if these situations can be salvaged or else figure out how to have a talk with him without it melting down into animosity.

@Escapetothecountryplease thank you so, so much for sharing everything. I also have a 7 year old DD so your story has really resonated with me, we have walked such a similar path.

I am becoming optimistic about what the future holds and have been making some practical plans about how things might work.

I just want him to understand that I don’t want to leave him because I don’t love him anymore. I want to leave because this thread and what I have learned is showing me with alarming clarity that the dynamic we have right now is so unhealthy and damaging for both of us. Even if things are good so much of the time.

I think on the spectrum of codependency we are not at the very extreme end because he does not do stuff out of malice and I don’t think he wants to control me

I don't think this is necessarily part of codependency- this would be more like an abusive relationship. But I think you are also kind of in an abusive relationship, as he is manipulative.

The article I read about codependent relationships did at times mention the word manipulation and control. I’m pointing out that he definitely doesn’t do things to manipulate and control in an abusive sense, as in he doesn’t care about hurting me and is happy to see me suffer and consciously engages in behaviours designed to intimidate or hurt me.

Im not saying what he’s doing is right, just that I understand the place it’s coming from.

Really it has just been a revelation to even read about this dynamic. At some point I will have to talk to him about all this but I don’t have the energy right now.

Things are actually okay right now. I have been sleeping in the kids room (which isn’t actually jarring for them as I often end up in there with one of them if they wake) and he came to the fireworks almost without issue. He isn't causing being passive aggressive right now but I feel like i’m jinxing it a bit, we will see when I get home.

I think when we have argued before my emotions have got the better of me and I can’t articulate things properly, and we get caught up in silly things (but still seriously arguing) like semantics and one off incidents. I feel wrong footed and hurt that he can’t see my perspective at all and he clearly feels the same.

But this time I need to be 100% honest, show him the information about codependent relationships, explain that I do love him but this dynamic will be the end of us if it continues, how I will support him in ways I feel comfortable with, show him my ideas for how we could make a separation work even if it means cohabiting until the kids are older, all of that.

He has become highly upset when I’ve tried to implement a separation before, saying how there’s no such thing as unconditional love etc and I can see all of his childhood trauma shining through. I need to find a way to make him understand that I do have unconditional love for him, but I do not have unconditional tolerance. I want him to really understand how unhealthy and unfair this dynamic is, how its holding both of us back, and how if we want a shot at being life partners we need to allow each other room to grow and heal.

For me, that breathing space has become absolutely critical and it will either have to be a case of us separating and healing and coming back to each other or me leaving with the kids without a backward glance.

But to be fair I have overnight gone from the last few months of subconsciously thinking and the last few days of consciously thinking that I would be living this way forever to believing that I am able to do something about it.

I still have this horrible fear (which is why i’m putting off speaking to him) that the same issues will crop up again when I try to suggest separation. Or I’ll buckle at the last minute and not enforce any actual changes. Whenever I think about that and being in the exact same position in 6 months, 1 year, 10 years.

… I feel this sensation of dread, that should say at the end.

this time I need to be 100% honest, show him the information about codependent relationships, explain that I do love him but this dynamic will be the end of us if it continues

I need to find a way to make him understand that I do have unconditional love for him, but I do not have unconditional tolerance. I want him to really understand how unhealthy and unfair this dynamic is

Your response to the penny dropping for you about the nature of your relationship is immediately that you must of course share that with him so that he can understand it too, have the same experience of the penny dropping that you had, and agree with you that the relationship shouldn't continue.

I think you need to recognise that this is a) a response due to your role in the relationship and b) highly unrealistic. He isn't going to agree with you that you would be better off apart because that would mean changing and tackling his addiction. You need to accept that you leaving will likely be unilateral and he will be very upset. That doesn't make it the wrong thing, for either of you. But he will never give you permission to do what you need to do.

I see this as everything coming down to money (as it usually happens in marriages where one partner is financially dependent). He’s been a Stay at home dad for a long time, he doesn’t have a pot to piss, so getting rid of him involves a pay out . He quit his job to take care of your children, this is going to cost you money (at least that’s how a judge will see it). He may not want to loose his financially privileged life and would rather be in an unhappy marriage, also being single means he would have to face the music and take responsibility of his life, he may not want that either.

which leaves you with having to make the important decision of carrying on with this unhappy and toxic situation or paying this man out, downgrading the family financially and setting yourself free from this man child.

you’re the only one who can make that decision.

Wow, thank you I wasn’t thinking of it that way. Well I kind of was, but I was more feeling it than thinking it. As in I have this creeping worry that this knowledge isn’t going to change anything.

I really am going to have to gear myself up for this aren’t I, it’s going to be by far the hardest thing i’ve ever done.

I was hoping that if I could explain to him that his feelings of abandonment and all that were not warranted and that I would look after him but at a distance rather than being so entangled, he would see what this was doing to me and see that it wasn’t right or fair. Sometimes love isn’t enough.

I am acutely aware that he is not set up for life outside of our family unit yet and would never expect him to just leave. But the issue is when this came up before and I was determined to separate, he made it emotionally impossible and he wouldn’t accept it and freaked out until I felt so sorry and awful that I said we would work things out. But I’m hoping this time, armed with more understanding of our situation, I will have to tools to deal with the fallout and make him see that it’s not good for either of us. I will have to grey rock myself if he tried to threaten harm to himself or anything like that this time.

I’m hoping this time, armed with more understanding of our situation, I will have to tools to deal with the fallout and make him see that it’s not good for either of us.

Sorry to be a broken record - you will never be able make him see anything. He will behave exactly the same way again as happened last time. But you control you - so you can decide to ignore the histrionics and crack on extracting yourself regardless. You are not responsible for making him see the reality of your relationship and his situation. He will also never be able to do this until he's ready to, which probably does mean reaching rock bottom. What kind of behaviour do you mean when you say he made it emotionally impossible?

I think she has already pretty much owned all of this hence the reason she feels she can't just bugger off and leave him. It's an awful situation for all of them.

Its good that the theoretical stuff has resonated and helped you, but I'd think twice about a conversation where you share that with him.
I found it a little difficult to grasp what your message is myself and I'm not emotionally involved. There's a lot of terminology and theory going on there when I think what's called for is a clearer message.
You're not happy because of these specific behaviours, the drowsiness, checking out, cancelling meds etc.
You have realised that you can't tolerate these behaviours and are considering your options.
Your preferred option is for the behaviour to change. What will he commit to to bring about those changes? For example, acknowledging he is self medicating on top of his prescribed meds are committing to stopping this at least.
If there are no changes you will have to separate.

Let's have your story then..what was your husband's addiction issue and treatments.? How did it impact your family life and did becoming a SAHM single parent work for you? How did you manage financially? Without any kind of support structure in place?

You're not in the real world.who do you think the OP is Nicola Horlick

OP I wouldn't bother to keep reiterating all this..people can't even bother to read the pp's but feel they can give you shit advice..time wasters

Cavagirl has it in a nutshell as usual 👏

Not easy, OP... unfortunately you can talk till you're blue in the face but your vision of a glorious shared understanding is not going to happen, or it would have happened by now.

Where does that leave you? A hostage to the situation, unless you can somehow steel yourself to grasp your onw future as though it matters as much as his.

Re any sort of future plans I would urge you play your cards close to your chest for now and find people who in real life or professional (Samaritans/ a counsellor) to discuss it all with and share the load. Take your time

Can you afford couples counseling to start unpicking things? They will usually do some separate work with you both.

Victoria albina podcast is interesting listening re codependency

Only you can decide what the next step is. It doesn't have to be a race

He quit his job to take care of your children

@Sandra1984 I don't think so really. He quit his job because he can get away with not working by sponging off OP's salary, and due to his mental health/addiction.