Coping with the crushing realisation that you will never leave for their and the DC's sakes.

[Dreamwhisper]

Just turned 29. Lots of the time things are good but when they are not it shines a light on all that I am uncomfortable with. Partner has poor mental health and takes medications that cause spells of intense and worrying sleepiness, but is also designated SAHP.

Had another argument about things of this nature today and he just can't see my POV. Feel held emotionally hostage by them, saying they won't take medication then - which would just make things 1000x worse.

Running through options in my head like I do every time it gets like this and have yet again come to the realisation that pragmatically I will never be in a position to leave. It would never work. The only way it would ever work would be if he worked on himself and improved his mental health, in which case I wouldn't want to leave anyway. But has very little motivation to change and that's the most isolating and worrying part.

Guess this is it for at least the entirety of my youth.

In the words of the late great Nora Ephron, be the heroine of your life, not the victim.

For thousands of years and in many countries now women have no choices. You are not one of those women.

Pull all your financial info, go and see a solicitor next week, find out how things would divide up, then go and see CAB and find out what you would be entitled to in help. Then go and speak to work and see if they can offer a bit more flexibility if helpful.

There doesn’t appear to be a question as to whether you will leave this bloke - just when. This is not a marriage and - do not kid yourself - this is not good for your kids. The older they get the more aware of the situation they will become and the more the poor role modelling will impact on them.

The only question is whether you can afford to leave now or when your youngest goes to school. I suspect you might be able to leave now but even if you have to wait a couple years to stay in your career, at least you have a a countdown clock - and very soon you will be able to leave and make a better life for your kids. It will also be better for him - he’s far more likely to pull himself together when he has to stand on his own two feet.

There are no prizes given out for martyring yourself. Feel the fear and do it anyway

Also I'm not trying to martyr myself. If it was only fear for myself I would leave in a heartbeat. But I have no resources right now to take any action which would result in me being happy with the outcome.

I don't want him to be alone I wish I didn't love him I'm hurting so badly

You know that if you stay then there is a good chance that in 30 years either your children will be trying to leave their own addict or they will be the addict whose partner is trying to leave?

If he had relapsed with his addiction then would that cause the intense sleepiness?

Sleepiness - is he falling asleep whilst looking after your young children?

Honestly, if you start now the next year can be great for you and your dc. It will be better than now
You can do it. You don't need to repeat the cycle because that's all you've known. Break it

It’s not your fault that he had a shit childhood and no ability to step into the work force. He also has you around to carry him and otherwise enable him. Your own issues re codependency need to be addressed urgently.

Many people also have rubbish childhoods, you certainly did, but you’ve become a responsible adult.

You're not as stuck as you think you are and you are also responsible for your choices. 3 children by this man and you're only 29 and just building a career. You have more control than you realise, you got yourself here for good and bad. Please get counselling for yourself.
If he needs medication that cause sleepiness that's something he needs either extra medication or some way of adjusting or coping.

Children either copy the parents or rebel. or do a bit of both.
Look ahead and try to separate your childhood from your career to your relationship to his parenting.. you're whipping yourself up in a frenzy and it's not helping you see things in proportion or see the solutions.

And realistically, at 29 and 3 children even if you separate do you imagine dating with be easy? Add on managing a household single handedly and a full time career?

Your life didn't turn out how you may have wanted at 18 but it doesn't mean it's terrible or hopeless. We all have one version in our heads and then reality. That's life.

No but he was prescribed heavy anti anxiety/sleeping medication and I have once or twice caught him trying to buy this after I made him vow to never take it again as this is when the zombie like states started.

On the other hand the medication he takes for his recovery does cause sleepiness but he's basically just asleep. He's asleep right now. He was asleep earlier. He was asleep from early last night and all through the night.

Al anon is a great idea for you. No-one there will tell you that you should leave, or judge you if don’t.

It’s a first step though and it might be a step towards managing to look after yourself while in this situation- or one of the steps towards taking that gamble and leaving.

You are young and you have a whole future full of options for you, and your DC, even if you can’t see them yet.

sometimes I suspect he is doing things to put himself into this state but it also could not be the case at all.

When your gut is telling you something you should believe it

Was this diazepam/Valium by chance?

Is he still drinking?. If so he’s self medicating with alcohol and that will have a deleterious effect in the medication.

What is there to love about this man, a man akin to your own father?.

I feel strongly you’re confusing love here with codependency.

Your life didn't turn out how you may have wanted at 18 but it doesn't mean it's terrible or hopeless. We all have one version in our heads and then reality. That's life.

I love my children fiercely and am happy with my life. It's my relationship that is the problem. I don't need judgement for my choices, he wasn't always like this by any means. I couldn't have predicted him becoming addicted to pain medication and hiding it from me until he was so far down the line. These things aren't black and white we've had years of goodness and building a family and things seeming right.

I'm unhappy because he's fucking ruined everything we've built and put me in an absolutely impossible position.

Do not stay for the children , I did and sadly I have very messed up Children .

How long until all the children are school age? Can you plan to keep things stable until then and reassess? Childcare becomes much easier to manage at that point.

I'm struggling with having to be a mother figure to all four of them instead of just our DC. I'm sick of slowly going the way of so many women and prioritising everyone else's needs ahead of my own.

Yet when he's in a good place he's very support of me, my anxieties and my ambitions. It's not easy.

This is something I am considering. I'm considering saving to move him on too.

You said that funnily enough your parents had a similar relationship. How do you not see that is no coincidence? Please break the cycle and don’t let your children learn what is normal from this dynamic.
there must be some support out there for you, and you seem to be there for the school runs anyway because you don’t trust him.

Yes.

To the PP asking about drinking, he almost never drinks.

Yes I have to be there in case he is not well enough to get them. I have had to be candid with work about that

Thank you for this video. I'm going to get in touch with the charity that supports family of addicts too

You have three children, you do not need a fourth in the shape of him to look after. Why do you need to be some quasi mother figure to him?. Again it’s likely linked to your codependency and your need to be needed.

He is an adult with a long term addiction. Of course he is supportive to you, he does that to keep you sweet. Addicts lie and he will continue to both lie to you and himself about his addictions. It will all come crashing down, that process is ongoing.

I'm unhappy because he's fucking ruined everything we've built and put me in an absolutely impossible position.

So he chose to have mental illness and a shitty life then? You think his life sounds so glamourous?
Meanwhile you're building financial independence while he risks having nothing for the sake of your ambitions.
You chose an older man and had 3 children with him and then chose to start a demanding career. Women with strong careers often have to sacrifice starting a family late in their mid thirties and over that is if they have any children at all. Nobody has a perfect life. In some ways you are ahead. Your mum is alive, you choose to work (from home) in an expensive area. You have choices.
I'm not questioning your love to your children, but self pity and blaming him for everything, when he is actually enabling you to pursue some career while being there in the capacity he can to the children. You're both getting something from this set up so I don't think it's healthy to blame everything on him. You're no longer that helpless child.
OK, he could have been better but you chose him and had 3 children with him with small gaps that childcare is unaffordable. I have no doubt your childhood impacted your choices but you are an adult now and must get help to take ownership of your choices. It's not too late.

He's black mailing you and you're enabling him. Sorry to be blunt but that's what's happening.

You can manage on your own, he can manage on his own, but it sounds like it would be far better to have counselling abd get more medical help first. I agree he needs to want to improve his health but he may need persuading thereand if hes not listening to you, he may listen to a professional.

So he chose to have mental illness and a shitty life then? You think his life sounds so glamourous?
Meanwhile you're building financial independence while he risks having nothing for the sake of your ambitions.
You chose an older man and had 3 children with him and then chose to start a demanding career. Women with strong careers often have to sacrifice starting a family late in their mid thirties and over that is if they have any children at all. Nobody has a perfect life. In some ways you are ahead. Your mum is alive, you choose to work (from home) in an expensive area. You have choices.
I'm not questioning your love to your children, but self pity and blaming him for everything, when he is actually enabling you to pursue some career while being there in the capacity he can to the children. You're both getting something from this set up so I don't think it's healthy to blame everything on him. You're no longer that helpless child.
OK, he could have been better but you chose him and had 3 children with him with small gaps that childcare is unaffordable. I have no doubt your childhood impacted your choices but you are an adult now and must get help to take ownership of your choices. It's not too late

Don't you see why this is exactly why it is so hard to leave and why I can't just say it's the right thing to do and do it??

I am not saying I have no responsibility, I am not saying he chose this and I know full well, from hours and hours of tearful research at 3am, exactly why he is like this. I in a moment of weakness and weekend said he's gone and fucking ruined it because yes, it my darkest moments that is what I feel like. I love him more than I can ever describe feel that due to all you have said I have made my bed and need to lie in it to give him what he needs after his shit life and what he has done for me, and to spare the DC from suffering when their dad inevitably can't cope on his own and isn't able to be there for me.

But then I get called a martyr, and I feel selfish and awful for staying in case I damage my DC.

I've never felt before that I wish I could just end it but for the first time in my life I can at least understand how people get to this point.