Coping with the crushing realisation that you will never leave for their and the DC's sakes.

[Dreamwhisper]

Just turned 29. Lots of the time things are good but when they are not it shines a light on all that I am uncomfortable with. Partner has poor mental health and takes medications that cause spells of intense and worrying sleepiness, but is also designated SAHP.

Had another argument about things of this nature today and he just can't see my POV. Feel held emotionally hostage by them, saying they won't take medication then - which would just make things 1000x worse.

Running through options in my head like I do every time it gets like this and have yet again come to the realisation that pragmatically I will never be in a position to leave. It would never work. The only way it would ever work would be if he worked on himself and improved his mental health, in which case I wouldn't want to leave anyway. But has very little motivation to change and that's the most isolating and worrying part.

Guess this is it for at least the entirety of my youth.

Have you thought about contacting Homestart? They provide really practical help for families with any child under 5.

I used them when my DC were being diagnosed with life long conditions and my mental health took a dip. My helper would play with the kids while I washed up, just chat to me, take us for a coffee and even help us out and about doing activities eg at a children's centre. It was brilliant. I believe they have some male volunteers.

@Bramblejoos you're absolutely right, I do feel like I have been wrong thinking I am helping him by supporting him, he's in a position where he can allow himself to be like this.

@daisychain01 thank you, posts like yours are making me see I can do this, I can have my own life too and not just support everyone else

@Jewel1968 thank you those are important things to think about, I spent all night thinking of a plan that would work if he played ball until the DC are older, I need him to agree though otherwise it won't work

This sounds so incredibly tough on you. It’s a very difficult situation. Have you tried counselling ? Has he tried it on his own?

I think you should get some advice on what benefits you would be entitled to. Think about what you can afford to do, what you could rent etc. Do neither of you have any family?

Once you’ve looked into the financial situation, take the steps necessary to find somewhere to live and leave. I appreciate how hard it is and how worried you are but you need to get it if that toxic dynamic. You need to be able to look after your children without dragging him along behind you. He is responsible for his own mental and physical health.

Hi OP,

Firstly I just wanted to say poor you. This sounds really tough, and you are young to be having to deal with this sort of situation.
I think the thing that’s bringing you discomfort is that you’ve managed to squeeze a really broken and unhealthy situation into a box that looks ‘normal’ — he’s a SAHD, you work etc.
What would happen if you just described it differently, to yourself and the world? He is a recovering alcoholic (?) with narcolepsy, unemployed, and very unwell. He isn’t at the moment a fit cater for the children or a good husband to you. Given the economic and emotional pressures of having three children in a rental house the situation has become somewhat of an emergency. You are really struggling, the children are suffering, the marriage is breaking, and your career is under threat.
Once you describe it accurately, to yourself, him, and your family/friends the secrecy and faux-normality will melt away and I think you will feel more comfortable. The problem will be there to see, and to solve one problem at or another.

Stop trying to contain the dysfunction under the guise of ‘normal family home’ — raise the flag. You need help.

@gemsandmilk I think op has described it accurately. Pretty similar to your description but with the added fact that she loves him. I don't think she is in denial just in a complex difficult situation that is hard to navigate.

@Jewel1968 I think she has too.
I meant she could describe it accurately to the world. To sit down with a friend and say ‘no, actually, it’s not ok’ or to admit he is unfit to look after the children and arrange other care, etc.

I found it a huge relief when I stopped glossing over my own intractable marriage problems and just started being honest.

Or even to tell her boss. It’s a problem affecting her whole life.

@Dreamwhisper I'm sorry if you've already written this but I wondered if you have spoken to a counsellor to try and help you with the emotional side of your situation? I only ask this as from the outside it reads that in a practical sense( your working patterns, earning potential etc.) Put you in a very strong position to live alone with your children.

My ex was abusive, not an addict but shouted and lied endlessly to cover his affairs. By the end I felt as if I was going mad. It wasn't until I ended the relationship that I could start to see what he actually is more clearly.

I think when you are in an emotionally bound situation it is so difficult to be objective. It sounds as if you are trying to fix a man who will manipulate his treatment to control you. Would counselling help you take the first step? I know the step to being a single parent is scary, but you are so young and need to leave this situation with your children. I don't think you can fix this on your own.

He might have mental health problems but he also has to take some responsibility for himself. He also sounds manipulative in that he uses withholding his medication to upset you. I would be careful about letting him be the SAHP as if you were to spilt up the family court might give him custody and you weekend contact. At 29 you have your whole life ahead of you - how will you tolerate this for 50 years. If you left you would get help to pay for childcare even if you work (depending on your income) and once the kids are at school you can send them to after school clubs. It’s a really horrible situation that you seem to have been tricked into, that alone would make me want to leave. If you turn it on it’s head and you had mental health problems you would do what it took to be well for your kids (I know it’s not quite as simple as that but you wouldn’t withhold your medication to upset him!!). If Al-anon tell you to be more empathic then walk away and get support somewhere else.

For fucks sake I'll never understand this. People get themselves into a rubbish relationship and then have so many children they can't leave. Why did you have three children with this man?
I had one and being a single parent with one was bloody hard work. With three I'd have been stuck on benefits for years with no career.
Sorry not a helpful post but on mumsnet every 5 mi uses people in horrible rationships who can't leave because they have 3, 4, 5 children!!!!

No one can resolve their mental health problems except that person. And they have to want to.

you are not responsible to prop him up - particularly when he is not doing much to help himself

the children will be happier without him in the house

you will be happier

his happiness is up to himself

I work in mental health. It seems that you are suggesting that the only medication he takes is diazepam which for most people is prescribed for short term use only but some people slip through and end up on long term prescriptions of it. The local substance misuse service would certainly offer him a home based withdrawal program if he wanted it and if he has other mental health issues these can be treated with alternatives. Diazepam does not treat depression. If he has episodes of extreme drowsiness he is taking extra or combining it with other substances. Many people addicted to benzodiazepines buy extra from dealers or the internet. I think you are describing an addiction rather than a severe mental illness in which case the desire to change needs to come from him but there are Services still to help.

Is there an addiction problem at play here? Sorry if I've missed it? You've referenced support services but wasn't quite sure of the issue.

I think it would do you good to access the services they offer to families before you decide how to move forward. It might help you to unpick in what ways you are genuinely helping him and where your enabling (done with the best of intentions) is actually part of the problem.

Sometimes people need to be allowed to hit rock bottom before they can start to build upwards. It's not nice but neither are the alternatives.

You don't need to act immediately. You can start preparing to leave quietly if extra time is needed.

If the build up to Christmas isn't the right time, that's fine. You just need to be clearer in your own mind what the future looks like so you have something to work towards. You are young and clearly capable. If you need to move areas maybe a fresh start is what's needed.

You can leave. You’ll get 85% of childcare paid by UC if you’re single and only earning a certain amount. Sure your lifestyle might change, but you absolutely can leave if you want to

In one of your previous posts you talk about his medication provider. It’s an unusual term to use for a GP, is he having proper medical support?

If not then it is very likely his issues are largely caused because he’s still using.

You can leave OP. I did, in similarly "impossible " circumstances. Turned out to be hard, not impossible at all. I can't believe it took me so long.
There's an unemployed addict living in your home, for free. He's dragging you down with him.
Get some good advice, make a plan that doesn't include him and go grab your life back. Believe me, you'll look back and thank yourself.

Check out entitled to website. You can add your salary and check our local rents, and estimate childcare costs. It is fairly accurate in telling you what assistance you’d get. I had to do that when I left a relationship in 2010. My kids have grown up now and don’t need childcare and I’ve got promoted so financially I’m good. It also sounds like he’s not 100% safe to be caring for the children.

Hi @Dreamwhisper , I apologise as I’ve not read the full thread but but wanted to ask what time of day does your partner take his medication? My DH had a mental health crisis a few years ago and was completely non functional for a few months. One of the (many) issues were chronic tiredness, linked to deep, dark depression. He switched from taking his antidepressants in the mornings to taking it at bedtime. While it won’t cure everything is dud make a difference to my DH.

Please please leave, the harm you will do to your children if you stay will never be repaired. I stayed and my children are still affected 20 years down the line, it impacts on the relationships they have now. Please save yourself and your children.

Actually, I don't think you are. There can be quite a lot of naivety about 'just leave him'. Yes, for sure you can go on to have a much better life, but unfortunately that's highly unlikely to involve him immediately tidying himself into a box marked 'not my problem anymore'.
In reality, men with his issues are sometimes just about holding it together because they're within the relationship and family, and when that's no longer available, start a downward spiral. And while that's not your problem as a partner anymore, while you have children together, it's often your problem as their mother, and will certainly be theirs.
From the care they recieve at contact, to the unkempt embarrassment to them that turns up at school, to the drunk who asks them for money when they're out with their friends in town. The threats of suicide, the attempts. Maybe even one day succeeding. Unless your children can get physical and emotional distance, it can be a long term worry and shame.
I don't say this to dissuade you. I think you do need to make plans to leave. I say it to validate your fears, acknowledge your hesitancy, and urge you to prepare.
If you can't get properly away when you leave, have in place a plan to minimise the impact of him on the children. Talk to specialist services for familes to gather some strategies about how to explain his behaviour to them, and how they might manage future interaction with him.
if you have a mentally unwell addict as your father, your mother leaving him is not the answer to your problems, and you will need help and support regardless of whether he lives with you or not.

Very wise post.

Maybe the first thing you can do OP is work on getting your partner back into work. Explain that you can't survive any more on your one income. Being a 'SAHD' isn't working. This might be the first act in his mental health improving and might make things easier for you when you come to leave. That said it's not your job to save him. He sounds like a petulant whining man child to me who uses mental health issues to justify being a lazy selfish arsehole.

I haven’t read the full thread but I’ve read your posts.

where is he getting his supply of pills from? Not the Gp if he has an addiction- he must be buying them in the community? They’re about 50p a pop

when you say on occasion he is falling asleep etc I suspect he is taking something far stronger than his usual illicit pills - I can’t think of the name of said pills but you can also purchase them in the community

I would urge him to reach out to one of the local addiction charities for a start or even call them yourself

its highly unlikely that meds from a Gp will make him sleepy only occasionally- they either would or they wouldn’t

also I have to say it must be very hard looking after three kids all day too

i hope it all works out for you op

I’m not sure his meds would vary in effect. Same strength, same dosage shouldn’t ( logically, I’m not a medic) cause variation in effect. Are you sure he’s not drinking or adding in anything else ?

How much access do you have to his information about his medication ? Do you know what he gets, what medication he is supposed to take ? The phone calls to his medication provider asking them to cancel his prescription is any easy call to make if you aren't taking the medication and self medicating with something else ?