Coping with the crushing realisation that you will never leave for their and the DC's sakes.

[Dreamwhisper]

Just turned 29. Lots of the time things are good but when they are not it shines a light on all that I am uncomfortable with. Partner has poor mental health and takes medications that cause spells of intense and worrying sleepiness, but is also designated SAHP.

Had another argument about things of this nature today and he just can't see my POV. Feel held emotionally hostage by them, saying they won't take medication then - which would just make things 1000x worse.

Running through options in my head like I do every time it gets like this and have yet again come to the realisation that pragmatically I will never be in a position to leave. It would never work. The only way it would ever work would be if he worked on himself and improved his mental health, in which case I wouldn't want to leave anyway. But has very little motivation to change and that's the most isolating and worrying part.

Guess this is it for at least the entirety of my youth.

I'm on universal credit for fuck sake. I work full time and get top up benefits as he can't work.

Please don't stay 'for the sake of the children'. You know that isn't the real reason you're staying but even if it was it'd be a terrible one. My parents did that and completely fucked up any chance I have of finding happiness. You know your DC will unconsciously look for the familiar in relationships, don't you? How can they ever know what a good relationship and a happy parent is if you don't show them? You are not responsible for parenting an adult and you shouldn't be teaching your DC that it's acceptable to do that.

You say he’s the SAHP but then also say things that would make most parents worry about leaving him to care for his DCs alone

This is only within the last 9 months though, I took a promotion over the summer when I thought things were getting better as before that I had actually drastically reduced my hours (plus WFH). And it is true that he is not like this 100% of that time at all. But it has gone from 0%, to 5%, to 20% of the time within quite a short space of time. It's difficult, it's not like I had the foresight to know his MH would not improve. Naively I thought recovery would fix everything and things would go back to the way they were before. It's hard to know and harder to accept that they never will

And having to worry about when he will be like this and the disappointment and anxiety and resentment I feel when I realise he is getting sleepy again is really hard, even if it isn't all the time.

It's hard to plan life around and my optimism for our future had started to slip away. I realise I am facing a possibility of him never having a positive outlook on life.

The truth is I think having a family is overwhelming for him. I think he would be better living alone and being able to get out in the world. But he has a terrible fear of abandoment which is triggered whenever I've said we might be better off seperating.

Oh for God's sake you need to leave this man. This kind of behaviour is ridiculous. This isn't a healthy household for your kids and its dragging you down.

Yes you might need to change your career to take care of the kids, that's a difficult reality but it's a new reality that on the whole would be a whole lot bloody better for you and the kids. There is no future with this guy and the longer you stay the more you waste your life. You're young - don't waste your youth on this situation. You'll never get it back.

I just want to take the line that right now, this relationship isn't good for anyone and isn't working.

That’s the sound of self care and no more pushing the ugly truth under the carpet. You go girl

The thing is when it's like this, I know I would be so good on my own and make it work, even if it meant working part time again, even with the cost of living crisis. What I worry about is him, how he would cope and the impact on the DC. And actually I do have all those fears about childcare, sick days etc.

The way he has spoken to me this evening has really hurt me though and I want this to be the catalyst we both need. I do think he has become comfortable and has no motivation to change because he knows I will pick up the slack.

I wish it wasn't like this and I do love him and wish things would be okay, but the worst thing is feeling like I can't leave, like it's not an option.

Sounds like your husband is not happy in that marriage and sounds like you're pretty unhappy too. It doesn't sound like being a stay at home parent is what he wants but he's financially trapped so can't leave. In the meanwhile his mental health is going down the drain (no wonder). I'm sure you both love your kids but this marriage is not working. Maybe move to a cheaper area, get two cheap apartments close to each other and get your husband out of the house and become financially independent. Your present family arrangement/logistics is not working, blaming everything on him is selfish, unkind and self centred, It's also going to make him feel worse, put him under more pressure, making him more unhappy and resent you even more. You need to take some responsibility for your actions here because it takes two to tango.

People are so quick to judge and tell you to leave. My partner has bad MH and had some bad addictions but got over them with my support. I could never be without him. You do what's right not what others think you should do x

Thank you

The problem is I have been in this state of mind and buckled under the pressure when he gets upset at the thought of us actually parting, plus I get upset too even though I know it's for the best.

I have been sweeping stuff under the carpet and both of us have minimised the impact this has on our day to day life. No it hasn't been all bad by any means but it's not responsible to continue like this right now.

You will be entitled to help with childcare costs as a single parent I think. There are ways and means, you are not as stuck as you seem to think you are.

He will be entitled to benefits (universal credit, potentially PIP) and will even possibly be better off if you leave as he will be forced in to taking responsibility for himself.

It is incredibly hard to leave in situations such as this though and I sympathise. I stayed with my ex (also an addict) for 7 years and I wish I'd left so much sooner but never felt able to. I do struggle sometimes as a single parent but me and my dc are so much happier now. My house is more peaceful, we are all more relaxed. I am infinitely more relaxed without the constant worry of him just being around.

Despite what you're telling yourself now, you can leave. People leave relationships in far more awkward circumstances than yourself. It's horrible and immensely difficult but it can always be done, without exception. And look at it this way - if he's been an addict for 5 years and things are getting increasingly worse instead of better... Well, it's not looking good for the future is it?

OP, I hear you. You are trapped. You need to cut him loose but practically you do not currently have that option. So you are stuck here until your littlest one does not need childcare. How many more years do you reckon that will be? Can you plan into the future and see how perhaps your oldest can start to help with school runs and have a date in the future in mind where you don't need him as a SAHP anymore. In an ideal world, an older sibling should not have to provide childcare but this is far from ideal for you.

With that date in mind, can you start to put things in motion to leave him. Think of the Shawshank Redemption. That date is in the future but you can do something now to set aside some funds, think about where you would live, start to plan your new life.

Sometimes the present however horrible is easier to swallow if you know there is an end in sight.

When that date comes, it is up to you whether to put your plan in motion. He may have improved or he may have got worse. By then, it is not your problem. You can put yourself and your dcs first. You are done your time so mama, you can fly away then.

I’m not sure his meds would vary in effect. Same strength, same dosage shouldn’t ( logically, I’m not a medic) cause variation in effect. Are you sure he’s not drinking or adding in anything else ? Could you suggest a medication review with his dr?
I don’t know if speaking to Al Anon might help you? Or maybe asking yoyr GP about counselling for you.
I experienced very manipulative behaviour from my ex-husband who had an addiction, it seems to go together.
Always remember you’re a great mum, but you’re being pulled in so many different directions — work, children and a very dependent husband.
And that is exhausting and debilitating.

In the kindest possible way I can say thus, your partner is gaslighting you and manipulating you into staying, I think the best thing you can do is to leave with the children, or better yet make him leave, I know you worry about him and his addictions, but you aren’t doing him any favours by enabling him. Please think about some sort of counselling as well if you can.

@Dreamwhisper I totally with @Tadpoll I can't understand why some posters are pilling on with summary judgements. (some truths could be expressed a little more gently) Maybe life hasn't thrown them a hard curveball yet.

All the best to you OP, you are strong and resourceful, you will find a way through.

Why on Earth did you have not one but THREE children with this lazybones?! Sorry but you’ve made a rod for your own back here and only you can get yourself out of it. How can you trust this jobless, sleeping man with three children? What kind of role model is he for them? 🙄

I'm just so angry and upset. A PP has confirmed all my fears that it would be shitty of me to leave him at this point, and other posters have pointed out how it's shit for my DC. But it's not shit for them as long as I play my role, never raise any greivances and pick up all the slack. Keep doing all the cooking and organising and mental load and being there to do every school run if necessary and take them out at weekends and plan birthdays and holidays and give them a stable home with people who love them around.

This is no way to live. It's deeply unhealthy and dysfunctional - not just for you but also your children.

It looks like you are already doing everything, so why not do it all without him weighing you down and making you angry and upset.

I don't think he will change. I split from dh this year and I am a little bit older than you he would smoke weed, sleep loads, bad with money but then there were also the good bits and the turmoil I felt on if to stay or not was awful, my mind was torn about what to do. You have this whole future planned and you are committed to being married forever and have this perfect little family, I was thinking should we stay for the kids, I really didn't want to share them i am not like that I am obsessed with my kids, anyway we have split and guess what we are all fine we made it through. I used to get daily headaches and I realised today they have gone. You are lonely and I was lonely, it is shit doing everything just you and the kids no husband involved, sat on your own lonely. I get mental health is nobodies fault but some of these things he has brought on himself. I get it is hard with childcare etc but EVERYTHING has a way of working out in the end. Trust the universe and don't be miserable, I am proof that you will be ok and so will the kids.

I have explained more than once, to the point of writing a fairly detailed timeline, that he was not always like this. I have said clearly, more than once, that the bulk of these issues beyond his initial addiction have come from the last 9 months of our relationship. We have been together for not far off 10 years.

If it helps at all, my children are adults now and I know for a fact that they never had an inkling. I'm not for a moment suggesting you do continue to sacrifice yourself, but please don't feel the sacrifices you've made so far have been in vain or have caused damage. Unless there is abuse or explicit signs of discord its a myth that children have some 6th sense of their mother's feelings and are damaged by them.
Millions of us effectively compensate for and successfully mask issues and the unhappiness, they cause us, and our children really have no idea.
What you should do for you is another matter entirely, but please feel no guilt. You've enough on your plate.

This made me cry, I will hold onto this.

I was thinking earlier before we had a bigger row that this is kind of what I would do. Focus on myself, prepare what I need to and be in a position to be independent should the need arise.

And also thank you to @Hibye23289 you're right it's so hard because nobody is all bad and it makes it harder when you understand they have a reason for their pain and dysfunction. But that doesn't mean it's okay to treat people poorly and without consideration. And he clearly has needs I do not fulfil.

Just want to give you a big hug, and some 🌻as it sounds like you could do with some moral support right now

Aquamarine is right though. My dad had very poor MH which negatively impacted my childhood and I’m angry at him for never getting help but also angry at my mum for not leaving. She should’ve taken me away from that situation and I think they both failed me as parents. As an adult I now keep them at arms length and pity them both. Is that how you want your kids to think of you?

No of course not but that is your perspective and with similarly dysfunction parents I am close with my mum.

I'm not saying it's right I'm just saying I need to be careful as all I care about at this point is them.

I am hoping I can make it work this time. I'm already thinking of ways to make it work that I hadn't thought of before.

Does he say why he's refusing to take his medication? I suffer with MH if I don't take it I can't sleep which means I can't function. Leaving me feeling exhausted during the day.