Coping with the crushing realisation that you will never leave for their and the DC's sakes.

[Dreamwhisper]

Just turned 29. Lots of the time things are good but when they are not it shines a light on all that I am uncomfortable with. Partner has poor mental health and takes medications that cause spells of intense and worrying sleepiness, but is also designated SAHP.

Had another argument about things of this nature today and he just can't see my POV. Feel held emotionally hostage by them, saying they won't take medication then - which would just make things 1000x worse.

Running through options in my head like I do every time it gets like this and have yet again come to the realisation that pragmatically I will never be in a position to leave. It would never work. The only way it would ever work would be if he worked on himself and improved his mental health, in which case I wouldn't want to leave anyway. But has very little motivation to change and that's the most isolating and worrying part.

Guess this is it for at least the entirety of my youth.

I'm really sorry you're in this situation. As someone with shitty MH myself, I often find myself aghast at how much other people let their MH spiral out of control and insist everything is fine.
Regarding his medication, I'm also rather concerned about how once or twice a month he just goes off the rails with sleepiness. What is the medication he takes, other than diazepam? A pp is right taking the same amount every day means blood levels are stable, so it's weird there are peaks of sleepiness. That could be due to external interferences (other drugs or an increased amount of the same drug, which in my case, when I forget I already took it, makes me rather maniac) or internal, such as a heightened emotional state. Is there a pattern to these bouts of sleepiness?
Second, I agree with PP that even if you feel like you can't leave right now, there's nothing stopping you to plan your exit when you ARE able. For instance, your youngest turns 3 in the beginning of 2023, from what you said. Could you try to use the free hours for nursery, even if it's only one day a week? This both gets your DC used to other forms of childcare and gives you an opportunity to get DP out of the house, even if for volunteering. Because I'm not sure how much he goes out, but staying inside sleeping never helps mental illness (and, if you WFH, it would also give you a break from him).
For now I would urge you to try and get the medication issue improved. Get a medication review with his GP - right now he is being propped up by you with no need to work or even do childcare, but that isn't sustainable, so it's time to either change the dosage of the meds or find another med that works better. Sometimes a medication doesn't agree with someone - I would know, having been zombified until a review with my psychiatrist who took one look at my state, confirmed I was like that all the time, and said "time to try something else, then".
The very best of luck.

From experience, children pick up on a lot more than we realise.

I left exH a good few years ago. DS is 10 now and he still comes out with some interesting comments about our previous life at home with his dad.

Please don't feel like you have to stay for the children. I always try to think what I'd advise my children to do if it were them in whatever situation. There is no way you'd ever advise them to stay in a relationship that makes them unhappy.

OP I'm glad to see there've been more insightful and understanding posts over the last couple of pages. The sniffling 'your own fault for martyring yourself' brigade really don't help.

Speaking as someone who has wondered whether it's time to leave on and off over the last decade, and who also is flabbergasted to find she is repeating her mother's dynamic.

I think keeping a longer perspective is important, and seeking for ways to improve the relationship even if you doubt whether it will last. There will be a time to leave if you need to, don't beat yourself up for not doing it now.

Yes just knowing they are not all bad is what kept me staying for so long, was I justified enough to leave? Does everyone secretly have bad marriages? Am I being too strong on him? And sometimes as hard as it may be if there is one big blow like cheating or domestic violence I felt like I had a good enough reason to leave but when it's death by a thousand cuts you question is this the 'small' thing to leave on now. I thought it was the end of the world, I would drive my car to the middle of nowhere and sob and sob. Also the vows are in sickness and in health, I felt like a mother to my dh sometimes because he had witnessed his dad doing what he wanted to and his mum doing everything for the family, my dh was constantly getting poorly or injured then he would be in bed for days on end (i understand people get poorly this too also made me feel bad) but i thought this is it, me being like a lonely carer for the next 50 years because his mums waits on everyone and I could see my future, this is you. A colleague said to me at work about my separation 'everything is hard at first even baking a cake but then it gets easy' and it is so true!!

He is manipulative. He doesn't want to change because it's easier to lean on you.

No social housing for either of us and no family to live with. It would be a case of kicking him out which I actually wouldn't even have a right to do even if I wasn't guilted into staying.

You can get the right to kick him out. Speak to your landlord. Tell them you can afford the rent on your sole wage but your partner can't. So whether you stay or go he'll have to leave anyway. If you're a good tenant landlord won't want to lose you, nor will they want to have to go through the eviction process when your partner stops paying rent because he can't afford it. My relative was in a similar situation, got permission from both landlord to change the locks on him if it came to that and the police who said they would ensure he was sent packing if he caused trouble about being kicked out. In the end he saw sense and left voluntarily.

Is he drinking again to sabotage your promotion? Would it account for the sporadic sleepiness? Maybe he doesn't want you doing well for yourself because then you might leave. Better for him to keep you thinking you can't.

I have dc older than you
Op, it would break my heart to imagine them in your situation.
My own marriage is pretty shit, how I wish I had walked away at age 29. But here I am, age 58, still thinking up reasons to stay. If you go, you will cope, financially and practically. You have your whole life ahead of you, don't waste it.

Not RTFT @Dreamwhisper but is it possible he's sometimes drinking on top of the meds? That would account for the sleepiness more than most meds on their own.

The side effects of this med are such that he needs to try something different really (unless, as is most likely IMHO, he is drinking with them and that's the problem.) There are a lot of different meds doctors can try. I know he's not young though so might've tried quite a few things.

I can remember feeling so trapped and helpless with a man that was essentially another child and had addiction issues. I tried everything to make it better but I couldn't! Life was hard as single mum but it was way way happier than being stuck trying to make a very bad relationship work. Trust me. you can do it. you already are.

You aren't even married @Dreamwhisper . Be free of this one for sure.

OP, I am so sorry that you are in this situation. There has been a lot of very good advice here, from people who sound like they have been in a very similar situation. I think you sound incredibly strong and responsible and could achieve whatever you set out to achieve. But I think sadly, because of the situation in which you were brought up, you have anchored yourself to someone who is going to drag you down rather than bring you up.

I'm not sure if I can add what has already been said but what is striking is how one sided your relationship sounds. It sounds as though you are spinning all the plates and perhaps always have? I know things right now are the toughest they have ever been, but realistically have they always been that way? From your posts you keep on referring to your husband having had a shit life which suggests you have always felt responsible for him, and him dependent on you.

I don't know much about addiction or recovery but surely if he was a good man he would have the self awareness to know that it is dangerous for him to be looking after young children whilst falling asleep standing up. Any decent father would remove themselves from this situation and sort themselves out, rather than put their own needs first.

I also see red flags that he seems to blame you, and almost sees you being responsible for his happiness. I'm really sorry but he really sounds toxic. I know you say you love him, and I don't doubt that for one minute, but it really sounds as though that's very one way too.

Anyhow, please know I am not saying this to upset you. I know there are many posters on here who almost rub their hands together at other people's misfortune. But just to say, don't feel bad for putting yourself and your children first. They and you are your responsibility and priority. Him not being able to pay his rent or cope alone is for him to own and sort out. Those kiddies need one well parent and it already sounds as though this situation is having a huge impact on your mental health.

Please look after yourself and the best of luck.x

Also just to add, you say you are very close to your mum. What is her take on all of this? Surely she has some good advice?

It does sound very hard op. I don’t think there is an easy answer. So many people on here will say leave, but it’s not always the right thing to do. Only you know that.
Things could get better with your partner-he sounds very unwell at the moment, but hopefully with good treatment, things may calm down.

By the simple fact that you have posted this, you know deep down that you need to leave. It’s okay to leave. At the end of the day you are not responsible for your partner. Of course break ups are awful let alone when they involve children, but you really need to think of the bigger picture and your future. If you leave then things will work out for you and your dc’s simply because they have to and so they will, a few years from now you will probably be so happy that you left! <3

It is hard being a single parent. But unfortunately if your children are growing up in an unhappy household this is the only sensible option you have.

If you are expecting him to be dead or passed out when you return home is it really safe to leave them with him.

You can’t do anything about other peoples choices if he chooses to come off meds but you can do something about your own choices.

It might just give him a kick up the backside to sort himself out.
You can’t go on picking up the slack.
You know what he is like and nothing is going to change, he isn’t going to change unless he is forced to.
He might sink or he might swim when he finds himself on his own but atm he is clinging to you and you are both sinking.

On a practical note look at Entitled to and see what extra help there is for nursery for dc.
Look at where you live and be realistic that if you work from home but have to travel to go in a couple of days per week would you really be better off moving out with commute costs or would you be better off moving to something that is a lot smaller whilst dc are still very young.
A couple of families I know moved into a 1 bed flat for a few years. Sold any excess stuff and children went in the bedroom and parents had a sofa bed in the living room.
Single parent when her Ds was a baby rented a studio flat to get her on her feet.

You are not a shit mum
I can understand why you don’t want to split But I think it would be better but I would put them in nursery first because if he is the primary carer for them whilst you work there is a chance you could lose your dc to him.
i think you need to show that he isn’t safe around dc if he is tired all the time and passes out when in charge of dc and has stopped his meds altogether
Not quite the same but Dh, I used to wonder if we split up when dc were young how he would cope with 2 lively (adhd) children
I used to watch and tell him how he shouldn’t leave things like pan handles that he was cooking facing outwards and not hold their hand when crossing the road
It just didn’t occur to him that these were safety issues.

Thanks so much for all the advice. It is making me feel better just to talk. I don't talk to anyone about this in real life, I'm quite private and I know it would cause ructions between us too.

I think one problem is, a few months ago we had a similar argument and I came to the conclusion that we needed a break. It was really, really messy and I think deep down, that sense that I wasn't able to leave has been a thorn in my side ever since. I think that in a healthy relationship a person should be able to leave unilaterally. I understand the upset though, so perhaps I am being over dramatic.

No, you are absolutely right: once anybody feels under duress to stay for any reason or that they can't leave, it has ceased to be a relationship. I think this is where so many relationships go wrong: people tie themselves together financially and get trapped. My only advice is to get out: it can be done. And then never, ever mix finances and a relationship again.

It’s good you will be making plans to leave some time in the future if the need arises. Well done. I think that’s the way to go for now.
This might be impossible, I can’t really tell from your posts, but in the meantime, do you think that he could get a job that would pay enough to cover child care instead of him staying at home and becoming more and more introspective ? His health might improve if he has a regular pattern of getting out of the house for a no-stress type of job. Is there any way that could work at all ?

You’re making a choice. You know that, it’s just hard to admit. It’s hard but there’s no need to martyr yourself for a man that won’t help himself

OP, I remember being your age like it was yesterday, but it was over 30 years ago! Time, and the one life you have, passes very quickly. My advice is to use it wisely and choose happiness. Staying in an unhappy marriage isn’t good for anyone.

And you rubbing it in is helpful how ???

there's always one, congrats it's you.

if you bothered to read the OPs posts, you may have seen that DC3 was a contraception failure, and things deteriorated after DC2 so FO with your unhelpful judgement.

@Dreamwhisper

The truth is I think having a family is overwhelming for him. I think he would be better living alone and being able to get out in the world.

Im sure he would be better! For that matter, so would you but you don't get to choose because you're shouldering the burden, the worry, the planning, the work etc.

You've tried to reason with him, to highlight that your relationship is in real trouble and it hasn't made any difference. Start planning to leave at a time in the future, but don't start bringing him into that conversation too soon, because all he'll do is suck you back in with the manipulative talk.

Taking action, making plans will keep you mentally buoyant because it will give you hope for a different life. You have time on your side, you're a strong intelligent woman, you can do this, but it has to be tiny steps at a time , don't get overwhelmed - tick things off on a check list, one step closer to a better life for you and your DC.

Stay focused.

Have not read all posts so apologies if I missed anything. Couple of thoughts from me.

Check out legal position if you were to split in terms of who kids would stay with majority of time. As he is sahp he may have more rights than you think? Don't know but you should check this. Also I don't think you are married so I think financially you are not expected to support him if you split but if kids were to stay with him what would happen? Don't want to scare you just think important to check this out.

I know leaving him is hard to do and easy for strangers and indeed friends to say. Don't feel pushed to do anything.

Get some counseling for yourself if you can afford it. Try GP too.

Be kind to yourself, look after yourself.

I have said clearly, more than once, that the bulk of these issues beyond his initial addiction have come from the last 9 months of our relationship. We have been together for not far off 10 years.

Beyond his original addiction. So you chose to have kids with an addict who you weren't married to? That must take the biscuit for stupidity.

What's even more stupid, if that's possible, is to expect anonymous people on an internet forum to sort your self-inflicted problems out.

Unmarried couples have very little protection under English law, so you need expert advice about your legal rights and relationship advice.

I find it very hard to believe that you didn't notice anything wrong with him before he had a MH diagnosis.

Hi OP, please ignore the nasty posts - people in their pretend concern for the DCs take the opportunity to be unpleasant.

My DF was an alcoholic and therefore affected greatly my childhood.
Then both myself and my sis ended up with non empathetic husbands - they were certainly not alcoholics but not supportive to live with. Somehow didn't seem like that when we married them.

I can't see why your DH is on such strong medication. Where is he getting it from?
A second thing is that it's really hard being at home with 3 small DCs. He could just be feeling sorry for himself and punishing you by the dozy behaviour.
The DCs will grow and in a few years making changes should be easier.
If you did leave him it could shake him out of his self pity and he could make a proper life for himself. Don't assume you being there is saving him.