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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Should I tell DH what BIL said about me?

206 replies

UserOneTrillion · 28/10/2022 09:23

Have changed some details as this is quite outing.
A few weeks ago DD (3) was taken to hospital with a common virus which had turned nasty. No ambulances available but she needed emergency treatment - pretty terrifying situation. I posted about it on fb which is something I wouldn’t normally do but just panicked and wanted advice.

MIL is staying with us, I get on with her well. She was showing me photos on her phone as she often does and handed it to me with a message open from BIL, seemingly on a group chat. It said something along the lines of ‘I ignore her, it’s attention seeking and sounds like she’s making it up, how can you go to hospital for xyz and why say that about the ambulance service?’ Someone had put a laughing face.

MIL didn’t realise what she’d done and I didn’t say anything. I was shocked and just really upset, DD was seriously unwell and rather than being supportive he’s just being a fucking twat, albeit behind our backs.

DH is supposed to be spending this weekend helping him move house which stings considering what he’s said about me. Should I tell DH or just try to forget about it? I really don’t want to upset MIL or get her involved.

OP posts:
SNWannabe · 28/10/2022 09:26

Id ignore it, not worth making an issue of. Opinions are like arseholes, everyone has one and some are shitter than others. BILs opinion is up to him.

Thurst · 28/10/2022 09:26

Definitely tell your DH. Probably not worth the confrontation with BIL though.

ABJ100 · 28/10/2022 09:26

Sorry but I absolutely loathe this posting about kids being sick on fb. It is attention seeking and I would roll my eyes at that and think the same. You weren't obviously meant to see the message, and that is quite upsetting. Who is the other people agreeing with him on the chat?

frazzledasarock · 28/10/2022 09:27

I would tell DH about it.

because it’s his dick of a brother. And I’d distance myself from him and remove him from my social media.

Christmaslover2022 · 28/10/2022 09:27

Yes tell him. Why are they talking about you like this? And your MIL must be part of this or she would have shut down thus kind of talk!

RandomUsernameHere · 28/10/2022 09:28

Is BiL your husband's sibling or married to his sibling? Who else was in on the chat? Maybe your DH has already seen it.

AnyFucker · 28/10/2022 09:28

I would ignore. People who eavesdrop (or the digital equivalent) rarely like what they see.

And keep your daughters private medical business off FB

Suprima · 28/10/2022 09:30

I am obviously really sorry to hear your little girl was poorly and I hope she is on the mend.

However- I absolutely loathe sick kids Facebook posts. It is attention seeking. Why on earth would you try and garner advice on a status update rather than listening to healthcare professionals? I would think the same about you privately tbh, not being in possession of all the facts.

You weren’t supposed to read that message. Let it go, tell BIL about how poorly she was when you see him and stop living out your life on FB.

SeasonFinale · 28/10/2022 09:31

I would definitely tell your DH and I wouldn't be so sure that MIL didn't know that you would see it either.

Bananarama21 · 28/10/2022 09:32

Hes not wrong is he? Why post on fb it is attention seeking. If my child become unwell I wouldn't post if I couldn't get an ambulance, I'd drive or get a taxi, the last thing I'd do is be going on fb. He's entitled to have an opinion it wasn't directly said to you though.

MintJulia · 28/10/2022 09:36

What do you want to achieve by telling your DH? Do you want him to get his brother to apologise. It won't mean anything. Do you want to use the evidence of dislike to avoid seeing them so much? Or do you want to cause a family rift.

What will it achieve in reality?

With this sort of thing, I always think about what I'm trying to achieve and whether/how getting others involved will help?

ZekeZeke · 28/10/2022 09:38

Posting on FB IS attention seeking.
You want advice you call a doctor or even ask here. But Facebook? No!

Bookworm20 · 28/10/2022 09:38

I would tell your DH. He is basically on a group chat laughing about you behind your back. That is really hurtful.
Makes no difference what you posted on FB, you were worried about your child and if he thought it was attention seeking he should keep that to himself, not laugh about you on a group chat.
Not sure what your DH can do about it though, as if he speaks to him, he'll then likely moan about that on the chat also

TheWomanTheyCallJayne · 28/10/2022 09:39

I would tell my dh because he would want to know.

BananaCocktails · 28/10/2022 09:39

I would tell BIL MIL and DH

Telling one and not the other one is going to find out and get upset
what he said is uncalled for you can post whatever you like on your Facebook page and why shouldn’t you? If your friends and family are on there why not ask for advice? I think people think Facebook is just for sharing pictures of kittens lol
you can do what you like on your page it’s your page
Certainly if he has said something like that I would want people to know that I’ve read it even by accident first of all tell your MIL, From her phone then I would call BIL That what he said was hurt for especially as your daughter needed emergency care then I will tell DH

. How are you do need to call out rude behaviour

wtfisgoingonhere21 · 28/10/2022 09:40

Why out it on Facebook op?Confused

I never understand why people do that or check in at the hospital etc etc it's just attention seeking or if not that it's totally self absorbed,like we all wanna know exactly what's happening in your life at that moment.

Bil was a dick but then they don't know the full facts do they?because you put a status on Facebook of the basics.

Original poster
UserOneTrillion · 28/10/2022 09:42

Just to clarify I did delete the post afterwards. My 111 callback was hours overdue, it was the weekend and the ambulance service was on its knees and had no one to send. I couldn’t get to the hospital straight away as had to wait 15 minutes for someone to arrive to look after other DC and just panicked. In hindsight I should have posted on here, I wasn’t really thinking straight at the time.

To be accused of attention seeking and lying has upset me though because it was neither.

OP posts:
TheWomanTheyCallJayne · 28/10/2022 09:44

ZekeZeke · 28/10/2022 09:38

Posting on FB IS attention seeking.
You want advice you call a doctor or even ask here. But Facebook? No!

Not necessarily.
I’m friends with medical professionals; gp, theatre nurse, paeds nurse etc. Getting hold of a doctor quickly is nigh on impossible. Why here, where I can’t vouch for the advice givers and not Fb, where I can‽

Ingrainedagainstthegrain · 28/10/2022 09:46

He sounds deeply unpleasant. I would tell my DH because otherwise he'd wonder why my view of his brother had changed and probably think I was getting unreasonably cold in the future.

Ingrainedagainstthegrain · 28/10/2022 09:48

Also if mil is a remotely nice person she'd be worried about her GC and have told him to be quiet, unless she's scared of him.

mrs55 · 28/10/2022 09:48

The attention seeker thing wouldn’t bother me people gossip and bitch it would be the overall vibe that the family members were bitching in a group together about me, sounds like what he wrote is in response to someone else bringing it up , I’d just tell dp and keep your distance from bil. I did this with sil I just completely cut her out after too much toxic behaviour .

ABJ100 · 28/10/2022 09:49

UserOneTrillion · 28/10/2022 09:42

Just to clarify I did delete the post afterwards. My 111 callback was hours overdue, it was the weekend and the ambulance service was on its knees and had no one to send. I couldn’t get to the hospital straight away as had to wait 15 minutes for someone to arrive to look after other DC and just panicked. In hindsight I should have posted on here, I wasn’t really thinking straight at the time.

To be accused of attention seeking and lying has upset me though because it was neither.

It doesn't matter that you deleted. It looks even more attention seeking deleting it after as if something serious happened. Why post here as well? No one is qualified to give you medical advice. The thing is he wasn't wrong, it was attention seeking. It was just that you happened to find out. Who are the others on the chat?

Original poster
UserOneTrillion · 28/10/2022 09:50

Generally I wouldn’t care quite as much, people say shitty things in private conversations all the time. It’s more the circumstances that have got to me.

OP posts:
Pumpkinpatchlookinggood · 28/10/2022 09:52

Even if bil thought those things he is shit stirring telling mil. Tell dh. He needn't bother making as much effort for such a db. Imo mil knew you would see that...

pocketvenuss · 28/10/2022 09:52

@ABJ100 even if you think it's attention seeking, deciding that the OP was lying and giving zero fucks about your very young niece is just shitty person behaviour. I'd rather know someone who was attention seeking than a complete arsehole