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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Should I tell DH what BIL said about me?

206 replies

UserOneTrillion · 28/10/2022 09:23

Have changed some details as this is quite outing.
A few weeks ago DD (3) was taken to hospital with a common virus which had turned nasty. No ambulances available but she needed emergency treatment - pretty terrifying situation. I posted about it on fb which is something I wouldn’t normally do but just panicked and wanted advice.

MIL is staying with us, I get on with her well. She was showing me photos on her phone as she often does and handed it to me with a message open from BIL, seemingly on a group chat. It said something along the lines of ‘I ignore her, it’s attention seeking and sounds like she’s making it up, how can you go to hospital for xyz and why say that about the ambulance service?’ Someone had put a laughing face.

MIL didn’t realise what she’d done and I didn’t say anything. I was shocked and just really upset, DD was seriously unwell and rather than being supportive he’s just being a fucking twat, albeit behind our backs.

DH is supposed to be spending this weekend helping him move house which stings considering what he’s said about me. Should I tell DH or just try to forget about it? I really don’t want to upset MIL or get her involved.

OP posts:
ChillysWaterBottle · 28/10/2022 10:35

I would absolutely tell my partner and I would have nothing else to do with my BIL, he sounds dreadful. Who on earth sees friends or family posting about a sick child and thinks 'attention seeking, better ignore' rather than being concerned? It says a lot, LOT more about the person saying that than the poster. You did nothing wrong OP and please ignore the mentally unwell people on here suggesting otherwise. I hope your daughter is feeling better.

Topsyturvy78 · 28/10/2022 10:35

Me to and check in at A and E.

HappyMeal564 · 28/10/2022 10:36

I know it's done now but if it heaven forbid you find yourself in this situation again just take other dc with you. Not ideal but poorly child is in a medical setting and you can deal with childcare arrangements from there. Hope your daughter is OK now

DriftwoodOnTheShore · 28/10/2022 10:37

Tell your DH and let the prick manage without DH's help.

declutteringmymind · 28/10/2022 10:37

He's just selfish. He is moving house and is shitting it that your DH won't be able to help so he is on a campaign to minimise what is happening to your child.

Be wise to it. Tell DH to warn your BIL that he might not be able to help if he is needed at home to look after extremely ill child.

LoekMa · 28/10/2022 10:38

Agree with BIL 100%

Who posts that kind of stuff on FB? With a sick child, oh lemme go post about this. Facebook Likes have been known to have healing medical powers

Keepingitmoving · 28/10/2022 10:40

Attention seeking?? … isn’t everything posted on Fb some form of attention seeking then…

Adultchildofelderlyparents · 28/10/2022 10:43

There is a well-known saying "what other people think of you is none of your business".
Let it go, there is nothing at all to be gained from speaking to anyone else about this.
Your BIL is entitled to think whatever he wants about you, he didn't make that comment to you.
Your MIL is the recipient of the message, that doesn't mean she agrees with it, she didn't say anything to you about it and obviously didn't intend to show you the message. There is no way you can talk about this further without dropping her in it, which you've said you don't want to do.
If you mention it to your DH, what are you hoping to achieve? Do you want him to speak to your BIL to ask for an apology - would that really help anything? Do you want him to fall out with his brother - would that really help either? Do you want him to know about it but do nothing - then there's no point.
You saw something you weren't supposed to see and it upset you. Just let it go.

Obki · 28/10/2022 10:45

LoekMa · 28/10/2022 10:38

Agree with BIL 100%

Who posts that kind of stuff on FB? With a sick child, oh lemme go post about this. Facebook Likes have been known to have healing medical powers

OP's child was sick and no ambulance was available. Learn some empathy FFS.

I'm not even on Facebook but I wouldn't begrudge OP her post.

What heartless people on here.

Bestcatmum · 28/10/2022 10:48

I cannot understand why you would put something like that in facebook. If you need advice then ask the medical professionals. We all need to learn that some things are not suitable for facebook. Let the whole thing go and learn a lesson from it.

StaunchMomma · 28/10/2022 10:49

I'd mention it because if twats aren't called out they carry on acting like twats!

I'd also be speaking to the MIL and asking to see who it was who'd left that laughing emoji!

deeperthanallroses · 28/10/2022 10:50

pocketvenuss · 28/10/2022 09:52

@ABJ100 even if you think it's attention seeking, deciding that the OP was lying and giving zero fucks about your very young niece is just shitty person behaviour. I'd rather know someone who was attention seeking than a complete arsehole

Yes this. And also if you’re stuck waiting and worried for a medical issue I bet it just feels like if you could tell someone you’d feel better. I’d tell Dh as otherwise I’d be grumpy and Dh wouldn’t know why plus doesn’t he deserve to know his brother is shit talking his wife and doesn’t believe that his baby was ill? I’d expect my Dh to call him actually and say I hear you think trillion was lying about our daughter being ill. She was very unwell, needed medical help, thanks for caring about your niece. We really don’t need your shit. Then hang up and bil can stew on whether he’s getting help moving.’

Flagshitstore · 28/10/2022 10:51

You were attention seeking though! That’s the very nature of FB.

Forget about it, not worth the drama.

GingerScallop · 28/10/2022 10:52

Adultchildofelderlyparents · 28/10/2022 10:43

There is a well-known saying "what other people think of you is none of your business".
Let it go, there is nothing at all to be gained from speaking to anyone else about this.
Your BIL is entitled to think whatever he wants about you, he didn't make that comment to you.
Your MIL is the recipient of the message, that doesn't mean she agrees with it, she didn't say anything to you about it and obviously didn't intend to show you the message. There is no way you can talk about this further without dropping her in it, which you've said you don't want to do.
If you mention it to your DH, what are you hoping to achieve? Do you want him to speak to your BIL to ask for an apology - would that really help anything? Do you want him to fall out with his brother - would that really help either? Do you want him to know about it but do nothing - then there's no point.
You saw something you weren't supposed to see and it upset you. Just let it go.

very wise advice

User135792468 · 28/10/2022 10:52

It 100% was attention seeking - who posts on Facebook when waiting for an ambulance? You just so happened to see the message, I would bet a lot of money that at least 50% of the other people who saw it thought the same thing. Get over yourself and stop trying to cause problems. Next time, when your child is ill, get off your phone and social media and take care of them. The situation couldn’t have been that dire if you had time to update Facebook. Plus, it sounds like you have form of online attention seeking behaviour if someone else replied with a laughing emoji.

FleecyMcFleeceFace · 28/10/2022 10:52

Do you want to ratchet up the drama in your life or tone it down?

Some members of your dh's family do not like you. They are being judgemental and dismissive of you behind your back. Now you know that.

So don't hang out with them. Don't text or call. Remove BIL from your FB. And then quietly go on with your life.

Do tell dh. Not so that he can say anything, but so that he knows. And he knows that you know, what BIL thinks of you.

What you shouldn't do is complain about how his assessment of you is unfair or argue your case. Just block, ignore, move on.

Choconut · 28/10/2022 10:53

It sounds like from his point of view you are someone who is often a bit overly dramatic and panicking about minor things and/or often posting things on FB that are a bit attention seeking. He's entitled to his opinion I guess, tell your DH you're a bit upset about it by all means but I wouldn't make a big thing of it personally. I'd describe my SIL in the same way and often ignore her posts but I don't dislike or hate her, I quite like her - just not on SM!

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 28/10/2022 10:54

I would tell DH.

VioletInsolence · 28/10/2022 10:54

Those saying it was attention seeking are slightly insane I think.

imagine how terrifying the situation would have been. Have none of you actually been in a situation where you think you might have a heart attack from panic? If you think that someone could possibly be attention seeking in this situation, then you need to learn a bit more about life.

Although, why would a human being not seek the attention and help of their friends and family when they’re scared?

RedWingBoots · 28/10/2022 10:57

OP you shouldn't have posted on here as in AIBU, facebook or even your WhatsApp groups as those aren't the places you go for help.

(I've had messages from friends accounts that have been hacked on facebook and in WhatsApp groups. It is very common.)

If you posted on MN in parenting or contacted a couple of people you know on WhatsApp who are sensible, then fine.

Herejustforthisone · 28/10/2022 10:58

I’d tell my husband. But I’d also speak to my BIL about it. I wouldn’t tell him how I knew, I’d allow him to ponder who betrayed him in his own time, but I’d send a calm, measured and reasonable response to the accusation of attention seeking and lying.

Cats23 · 28/10/2022 10:58

Suprima · 28/10/2022 09:30

I am obviously really sorry to hear your little girl was poorly and I hope she is on the mend.

However- I absolutely loathe sick kids Facebook posts. It is attention seeking. Why on earth would you try and garner advice on a status update rather than listening to healthcare professionals? I would think the same about you privately tbh, not being in possession of all the facts.

You weren’t supposed to read that message. Let it go, tell BIL about how poorly she was when you see him and stop living out your life on FB.

Agree!

User135792468 · 28/10/2022 10:58

VioletInsolence · 28/10/2022 10:54

Those saying it was attention seeking are slightly insane I think.

imagine how terrifying the situation would have been. Have none of you actually been in a situation where you think you might have a heart attack from panic? If you think that someone could possibly be attention seeking in this situation, then you need to learn a bit more about life.

Although, why would a human being not seek the attention and help of their friends and family when they’re scared?

Ah so you’re another person who posts their life of Facebook and is overly dramatic at every opportunity. Are you a fan of a hashtag too?

If you need the help and support of family and friends then I’m guessing you have their direct number instead of doing a public post?

Hankunamatata · 28/10/2022 10:59

Does he have kids?

napody · 28/10/2022 10:59

Honestly a grown man bitching like that (and not giving much of a shit about his niece either. is embarassing. Yanbu, maybe in retrospect fb wasn't the best idea but honestly he's a dick. I'd have to tell DH but wouldnt waste energy on bitchy BIL.