Should I tell DH what BIL said about me?

[UserOneTrillion]

Have changed some details as this is quite outing.
A few weeks ago DD (3) was taken to hospital with a common virus which had turned nasty. No ambulances available but she needed emergency treatment - pretty terrifying situation. I posted about it on fb which is something I wouldn’t normally do but just panicked and wanted advice.

MIL is staying with us, I get on with her well. She was showing me photos on her phone as she often does and handed it to me with a message open from BIL, seemingly on a group chat. It said something along the lines of ‘I ignore her, it’s attention seeking and sounds like she’s making it up, how can you go to hospital for xyz and why say that about the ambulance service?’ Someone had put a laughing face.

MIL didn’t realise what she’d done and I didn’t say anything. I was shocked and just really upset, DD was seriously unwell and rather than being supportive he’s just being a fucking twat, albeit behind our backs.

DH is supposed to be spending this weekend helping him move house which stings considering what he’s said about me. Should I tell DH or just try to forget about it? I really don’t want to upset MIL or get her involved.

It’s none of your business what MIL/BIL/other people think of you or anyone or anything else. They’re entitled to their opinions, and they’re not required to be inoffensive to you or not upsetting to you.

I bet your DH has a good idea already of what his family members think do you. He just hasn’t told you.

You need to learn to not panic and post on FB when your kid gets sick 🙄. What a ridiculous reflex.

You are putting yourself at the center of something that doesn’t revolve around you.

i must admit i do not understand the thought process of "my child is ill, i have to put this on facebook"

and don't even START me on those who upload pictures!! "look how ill me lil man is duvet day 4 us xxx"

Not read the entire thread….

Personally, I would make him squirm a bit. As in: ‘ Oh, when Penelope was ill, it was a bit scary- no ambulance no call back from 111, no childcare. I really wasn’t in my right mind. I’m so glad all that is over. I’m so grateful so many kind people helped out’

or something more eloquent

Well i certainly couldn’t carry on as normal after seeing that. I admire those that could!

She already had someone who was arriving in a very short amount of time (15 minutes). She didn’t need any practical help at that point.

I would

1. Tell DH
2. Send a message to BIL telling him I have seen his message on the group chat and am glad I now know what he thinks of me.
3. Delete and block BIL from Facebook/all other social media/my life
4. Tell MIL that I saw the message on her phone and am glad to know how BIL really thinks of me.
5. Ignore MIL when she defends/plays down/minimises BIL actions
6. Avoid interaction with BIL in future if possible, if unavoidable I would be outwardly pleasant but ice cold, all the while inwardly hating him and calling him a cunt
7. Procure a voodoo doll in BIL's image and stick pins in the crotch area

Ok I probably couldn't be arsed with 7

But the rest I would do 🙂

I'll bet most people get talked about/slated on private messages, you were just unfortunate enough to see one. 👀 We are all guilty at some time or another of sending a text slagging someone off, and we would be mortified if that person saw. I'd ignore, not worth all the hassle a flippant text will cause if you out it. Just mark his card and don't ever go above and beyond for him.

I wouldn't say anything to anyone, at the moment at least.
You've got a deeper insight into BIL now though - it was a mean thing to say under the circumstances.
Just take this information about BIL and learn from it (and this thread) - I wouldn't post stuff like that on FB again now.
I would definitely put BIL on a restricted list on FB to make sure he never sees a post from you again (and unfollow him) - and probably not trust him much going forward.

Surely the BIL can think that Op is attention seeking (agree) without thinkíng that she is lying about her own daughter being ill?

All he has to do is check with his brother ffs!

It said something along the lines of ‘I ignore her, it’s attention
seeking and sounds like she’s making it up, how can you go to hospital
for xyz and why say that about the ambulance service?’ Someone had put a
laughing face

Who is in this group chat ? Just inlaws it would appear, hopefully not your husband.

You have learnt quite a bit from this, that it is very unpopular to post an opinion or garner support from FB.
I don't use it but it appears you are only allowed to virtue signal.
You have also learnt that your inlaws speak neagatively behind your back, and yes there will be many on here that say everyone does it.

Well not everyone does do that, and only peope who have made similar mistakes, and bullies would advocate shutting and putting up.

Everthing is just an opinion until truth is verified, and you have just unearthed a truth, that these people do not have your back.

Tell your husband, block the BIL and whoever is on that group chat, why keep being friendly with an enemy, don't waste your time, energy and empathy on undeserving individuals.

So people believe it is a far more henious a crime to realise late to the party that FB has strict unspoken guidelines on what should be posted, but it's perfectly acceptable to mock, scapegoat and single out a whipping boy for the ego of a dominant family.

Stick to your own family love.

Hate Fb attention seekers op sorry and I think asking for an ambulance sounds very ott. If I was so worried I would have got a taxi and taken all the children with me! 🤦‍♂️ mn sometimes

You saved me from having to type precisely this.

Your use of FB isn't the issue here it's your idiot inlaws slagging people off by message. Lesson from this is everyone has their opinion but if you write it down you lose control of it and it can come back to haunt you - it's a potential disaster waiting to happen.
I'd tell my DH because its just going to fester otherwise and your MIL is an idiot. They'll all have to get busy deleting stuff off Whats App.

Some grandparents need to grow the fuck up.

Tbh I find it attention seeking when people post about them or their kids being sick on FB.

All they want is people saying "Oh sorry to hear that" " Hope she gets well soon"

I have a FB friend who will post pics of himself in hospital, hooked up to whatever machine" then come ask the messages... "Get well soon Sam"

I find it a bit sad tbh. When I'm ill, my nearest and dearest know, as i will call them or our it in our family group chat. It doesn't need to go on social media.

What would be the purpose of telling your DH? It would only cause trouble. Just leave it and move on.

Presumably he posted before it became clear how ill your daughter was?
Not after she spent a couple of days in hospital (as that really would be mean).

I can't say I blame him. At that point in time, your mil was worried, he was possibly trying to make her less worried, it didn't seem that important. And who posts on fb? Even the people with tons of nurse and doctor friends! Surely you pm them? Unless you like the attention.

If he posted a few days later, after you were discharged, then yes I would tell your dh, as that's a bit much!

Must admit I’d never post on FB during an emergency or mumsnet

Me nether.

I have friends who are doctors and I'd message them directly, not post on FB in the hopes they were logged in or waiting to see the notification.

You weren't meant to see the message.

It's like overhearing a conversation about you... now you know what he thinks about you.

No need to go causing problems for the brothers or rest of the family, or you may just regret it.

Presumably he posted before it became clear how ill your daughter was?

Is that a reason not b´to believe Op though?

Who gives a fuck about FB.

What is concerning is that a private group chat has been set up for certain blood members of a family.
How is that even condusive to the upbringing of your grandchildren, for eventally this type of thing to happen and for their to be a schism erupting from it.

Teach children to be respectful of sibling's partners and then maybe the grandchildren will have chance to thrive by having happy parents.

Define 'believe' though. I know some people who rush to A+E all the time with their kids with minor stuff and are then sent home (many) hours later as it wasn't serious enough to admit them. They no doubt believed their kids were ill, but they weren't actually all that ill at all. More the 'worried slightly unwell'.
At that point, I would roll my eyes if it was posted on fb, as we all know where it's heading! A night of fb updates and then ... sent home.

@UserOneTrillion If you don't tell your DH he will find out eventually (EVERYTHING comes out eventually one way or another) and will be annoyed you didn't tell him.

If somebody doesn't say something to BIL hen he will do it again.....

you can post whatever you want on Facebook,

Of course you can and other people are free to have an opinion on it. It waa his opinion and not meant for her to read.

Once you publicly post something, you have to know people will have an opinion about it, which you may not like.

I would tell your husband. I wouldn't bother raising it with BIL or MIL, though I would be distancing myself.

Of course, and op is free to feel snubbed by a family group chat set up for the intents and puposes of critising people who are not in the inner circle.

She now has full rights to express her opinion that it was hurtful and she has no interest in being part of their gossip fodder.

Who would like that ?
How is that going to help the future of this family.

@ViolinPin

What is concerning is that a private group chat has been set up for certain blood members of a family.
How is that even condusive to the upbringing of your grandchildren

I have a group chat with my sisters, it doesn't include my brothers. It has nothing to do with kids or grandkids.

I also have one with all my siblings... and yes, we do sometimes talk about SILS on the sisters chat, with thing we wouldn't say to them, but things that are true.

Either things we've observed, or things that my brothers have said. I'm sure members of my family say things about me that they wouldn't say to my face... that's life.

We don't dislike SILS, just because we say things we wouldn't say to their face.