Should I tell DH what BIL said about me?

[UserOneTrillion]

Have changed some details as this is quite outing.
A few weeks ago DD (3) was taken to hospital with a common virus which had turned nasty. No ambulances available but she needed emergency treatment - pretty terrifying situation. I posted about it on fb which is something I wouldn’t normally do but just panicked and wanted advice.

MIL is staying with us, I get on with her well. She was showing me photos on her phone as she often does and handed it to me with a message open from BIL, seemingly on a group chat. It said something along the lines of ‘I ignore her, it’s attention seeking and sounds like she’s making it up, how can you go to hospital for xyz and why say that about the ambulance service?’ Someone had put a laughing face.

MIL didn’t realise what she’d done and I didn’t say anything. I was shocked and just really upset, DD was seriously unwell and rather than being supportive he’s just being a fucking twat, albeit behind our backs.

DH is supposed to be spending this weekend helping him move house which stings considering what he’s said about me. Should I tell DH or just try to forget about it? I really don’t want to upset MIL or get her involved.

I'd tell DH He and you, have a right to know what your BIL thinks of you. However, I would not take it further and ask DH not to mention it.

What would annoy me is that hebis making light of your DD's situation. Whether or not he agrees with you for posting about it on facebook, making out that there was nothing wrong with her is a dick move.

If you don't have form for attention seeking behaviour or posting posts like this on Facebook then it is also mean to make snide comments about it.

I wouldn't say anything to DH. It is not worth causing a family rift over.

Whether you should/shouldn't have put it on facebook is neither here nor there really.

My BIL has slagged me off lots of times because he is a dickhead and he slags everyone off. I imagine you're not the only one your BIL talks about, I wouldn't waste any more time worrying about it.

I am sorry your 3 year old was poorly. It's terrifying when it's your children, hope she is feeling much better now.

That's a good point. I've got HCP in the family but I'm not on FB so I suppose I'd phone one of them.

Hmm from his wording I have to wonder if this is the first time OP has done something like this

Even if you know nurses, doctors etc surely you’d phone them

Indeed it is.

OP, if you were looking at photos - as offered by your MIL - what led you to read messages? If there was any misdeed there it was yours. Why do you assume the worst? Your brother in law made a comment to his mother, not to you, you were not meant to see it. It was a comment, a snap-shot of his view of you at the time, not an indictment of you as a person or a character assassination.

I think you're blowing this way out of proportion and you'd be foolish to take this up with your husband's family.

Beware the posters egging you on, it's not their family relationships at stake but they are happy to watch you make yours much worse.

To be honest if somebody I knew posted something like this on Facebook I’d probably roll my eyes/think they were being a bit embarrassing. But I probably wouldn’t put it in a group chat.

I think I’d probably just keep it to myself but keep it in mind too. So when bil wants a favour I’d probably be too busy.

I don’t use Facebook but I think of it as a place to post nice pictures and catch up with old friends - not a place to post live cover of family emergencies and tragedies.

And if it was so so urgent that you had to post on Facebook why was it necessary to wait for a babysitter? If I thought there was such high risk that the 15 minutes waiting for someone could be vital, I’d be packing all my kids into the car and driving to A&E, not posting about it on Facebook.

I think you have to tell DH otherwise it will be a secret you are holding that will affect your relationship with BIL. He is an arse, but your husband deserves to know his brother is slagging his wife off. What he chooses to do with the information is up to DH, but I would definitely say something.

I generally stick to posts about cats, rats and dogs on FB but I don't see why there is such disdain for people posting about ill children/emergency situations when quite often there will be supportive posts offering advice on what to do. Op has already said she wasn't thinking clearly too.

Op, skip your husband and tell your MIL and BIL what you know, they should be ashamed of themselves. They're supposed to be your family ffs

I’d personally just go straight to the BIL and say I’d seen the message, sorry he thinks you are an attention seeker, and rather than talk behind my back, why not say it to my face? Tilt head, smile.

If someone says something about ME, I’ll deal with it, a watered down non pull-up will do by someone who wants to keep the peace both sides i.e. MIL or DH won’t surfice.

If MIL or DH don’t like it, too bad. If DH was any kind of man, his brother wouldn’t have the nerve to slag off his wife, and MIL has let BIL get away with it.

Your BIL won’t have been the only person to think it was attention seeking. His message -albeit paraphrased - also sounds like you might have form for this kind of thing. Forget it and move on, learn your lesson about Facebook.

Help was on the way 15 mins, so yeah posting on fb was attention seeking.

Family relationships are tangled, messy things and for that reason I’d keep quiet. It won’t help your dh in any way to know this.
it’s a kindness to say nothing.

It’s unrealistic to expect people to be one dimensional, and impractical to try and limit your relationships to only those who love and agree with you.

The context of that comment was probably your mil fretting and worrying and your bil reacting to that, rather than to your issue directly. It wasn’t nice and now you know that. It’s useful to know people.

If your mil showed that you deliberately you don’t have to react, don’t let anyone pull your strings. You’ve learned now not to put anything in writing that you don’t want her to accidentally reveal.

I’ve had serious medical emergencies and different family members reacted differently - I know who I can reach out to in a crisis; I feel indebted to some people . I’m not going to fall out with others but I’m not going to put myself out for them either. Would I help in an emergency? Yes, because they don’t get to change who I am. Would I inconvenience myself for a non emergency? No.

Im sorry your feelings are hurt and I’m sorry for what you went through - it’s awful. But don’t stir the situation anymore.

I’d personally just go straight to the BIL and say I’d seen the message, sorry he thinks you are an attention seeker, and rather than talk behind my back, why not say it to my face? Tilt head, smile.

I’d love to see the message in the group chat after that. Where do people come up with these mumsnet specials? Do you think the tilt head, smile makes you look super in control and clever? It just cements his idea that she’s an attention seeking weirdo.

I’d be telling MIL and DH that you saw the message because it’s vile behaviour. You need to block BIL (not just unfriendly him) on your social media. I can’t believe people on here are trying to blame you for asking for help when you were upset and anxious about a poorly 3 year old.

Your BiL sounds like a bit of a dick. I think I might tell my DH but only for moral support and a moan; not with the expectation that DH would confront BiL or MiL. If I thought he was the type of person who would confront BiL I wouldn't tell him because all it'll do is make things more awkward in the future (and probably just reinforce their unfair view that you are an attention seeker). But then I hate family drama. Some people love nothing better to have everything out in the open.

Do you often post personal stuff on Facebook. I can't see why he would say these from one post. Unless it's a regular occurrence and irritating him.

I would just move on from it, at least you know where you stand

I think you are being egged on to make this much bigger than it is.

You are better off just giving him a wide berth and not drawing the rest of the family in to it.

It just cements his idea that she’s an attention seeking weirdo

^^
Very harsh. I imagine OP panicked, didn't know what to do with herself whilst waiting and seeked out something to distract her/get some reassurance.

When i am going through things, especially with my children, I always look online for stories. My son was in hospital for months and it was the reassurance of others that helped me get through the toughest time and their success stories - that their child/them also went through xyz and came out the other side.

We seek out reassurance in different ways, facebook wouldn't be my go to but that's because I know no one on my facebook had been through what I had thus couldn't offer me the reassurance i was looking for.

If the OP needed to hear people say oh no she will be fine, my little Evie had this nasty virus a few weeks ago and came out the other side or even oh hope you're okay here if you need a chat, to feel better about her situation then it's not really up to anyone else to judge,

Most of Facebook is attention seeking, people who post stuff about ANYTHING are looking for people to interact with it. It's kind of the point.

To be honest I would view it as attention seeking too, but if it was someone I liked/loved, I'd probs just roll my eyes a bit and move on. To message and slag someone off on messenger is really mean though! It'd make me wonder what else he was saying. I'd tell your DH. No need for a confrontation but it's good for him to know. Hope your LO is better now.

And facebook made an ambulance materialize out of thin air?? What was the point of that post? OPs on and yours too? 🤔

@LanaDooleyx3

But if she gives him that pompous little speech with the head tilt and smile that will in fact (harsh or not) justify him in his thought that she’s attention seeking and melodramatic. Because it’s a weird way to talk to people.

I'd obviously tell your DH and maybe even ask BIL when he comes why he thought you needed to be ignored etc.