Should I tell DH what BIL said about me?

[UserOneTrillion]

Have changed some details as this is quite outing.
A few weeks ago DD (3) was taken to hospital with a common virus which had turned nasty. No ambulances available but she needed emergency treatment - pretty terrifying situation. I posted about it on fb which is something I wouldn’t normally do but just panicked and wanted advice.

MIL is staying with us, I get on with her well. She was showing me photos on her phone as she often does and handed it to me with a message open from BIL, seemingly on a group chat. It said something along the lines of ‘I ignore her, it’s attention seeking and sounds like she’s making it up, how can you go to hospital for xyz and why say that about the ambulance service?’ Someone had put a laughing face.

MIL didn’t realise what she’d done and I didn’t say anything. I was shocked and just really upset, DD was seriously unwell and rather than being supportive he’s just being a fucking twat, albeit behind our backs.

DH is supposed to be spending this weekend helping him move house which stings considering what he’s said about me. Should I tell DH or just try to forget about it? I really don’t want to upset MIL or get her involved.

Very hurtful

yes tell your husband

who put the laughing emoji?

I would tell your DH calmly that his brother and your mother apparently think your child's medical emergency was just 'drama' to them and 'lying/attention seeking' for you and you want to take a big step back from them, especially his brother. The house move? He can sort it himself.

If you’re honest with yourself you were attention seeking. I’d take it on the chin and not cause trouble between the brothers

Is BiL jealous of his brother or your relationship?

it’s not ok that he feels comfortable talking about you like this

you should ask yourself why MiL clearly makes it ok for him to do so

Regardless of the different opinions about posting something on Facebook, this is what I would do as well
Let him know you are aware of what he has done and his opinion of you and mark his card. Hope you little girl is better

Must admit I’d never post on FB during an emergency or mumsnet

The quote was N27 post

I'd do nothing but block him from seeing any of your further posts or pics on Facebook. If anything is said by him, MIL, H then just say that some people apparently find your posts attention seeking so you've saved them the bother of looking at them.

You’ve opened yourself up to this by posting on social media. Loads will agree with him but unfortunately you have read it which is obviously upsetting. I would leave it to be honest.

I am an attention seeker. I don’t post about the kids though, I own my attention seeking and don’t drag them in to it. Other attention seekers buy in to me and give me a like and I buy in to them and give them a like. It works with like minded people.

He isn’t like minded. No worries, that’s fine, people are different. i would set my FB sharing settings so that he cannot see your posts anymore. Then you can carry on as you were and so can he.

The trouble is that if you just ignore, if you still feel resentful and upset it could poison your relationship with DH's family and make you paranoid about what they are maybe saying behind your back when it might just be trivial stuff and not really important in the scheme of things. Cutting them off or avoiding people just over comments that may have been made thoughtlessly or because someone was in a mood or having a bad day seems extreme and unnecessary. I don't think you can tell from the comment that you are disliked or thought badly of. You could be very well liked but thought to be over-anxious, for example. (This might not be fair, but people are different about these things.) It could be that BIL would never dream of saying something hurtful to your face but gets exasperated sometimes and was stupid to have put something in a group like that. Who knows? Without any context it's hard to know. I don't think you were wrong or attention seeking to post about it at all by the way. Only you can know if you tend to post negative things or worries in general. Whether or not you do, it does not mean you were unreasonable to post. I don't think you were at all. You should hope your friends and family are people you can turn to when worried.

I do know people who post things that are tiny or massive with equal levels of anxiety on social media though, and can imagine someone getting exasperated, but at the same time that doesn't mean the big things they post about aren't big or real.

I disagree with others and think that people should not be posting up shitty comments about family members to other family members in a whatsapp group. Different to let off steam with a trusted close friend or relative in person when you can be sure it won't get back. But even then they should be very careful it's not going to get back because rarely does the person letting off steam really want to hurt the person they are letting off steam about and a lot of the time it's not really how they feel.

It's also hard to know from the context of the post why he said that. It sounds like someone else might have been getting made anxious by your posts and he was downplaying in, yes, a dismissive way but perhaps diffusing someone else's anxiety. People who post anxious stuff on the net can make others feel very anxious too sometimes and not realise this.

It's up to you and your personality and how you like to handle things what you do. I'd say to look at actions not words - is BIL good in his actions? Is he kind in real life. Would he help in a crisis? Does he get on well with DH? Would he help you two move house? Is he in general a nice person? If all of that is yes, I'd be inclined to judge him on that rather than this comment. However, I might be tempted for DH for have a word and just say that you happened, through no fault of your own, be exposed to a rather unpleasant comment about you written by BIL in a whatsapp group. It's not appropriate to be bitching about other family members in a group like this not to mention stupid, as it's written down and people get to know (as has happened). BIL shouldn't be talking about you like this and it was not nice for you to think people are bitching behind your back. If BIL is not prepared to say something to one's face he shouldn't be posting it in a group chat. I'd leave it at that, let BIL think on it, not speak about it again and start over with no grudges and hope it doesn't happen again.

I posted about it on fb which is something I wouldn’t normally do but just panicked and wanted advice.

I just can’t comprehend anyone doing this. Baffling

It's really not baffling to seek out reassurance. Facebook opens you up to a wider audience then trying to ring round people. If OP is sitting there panicking, not sure what to do with herself I can see why she would turn online.

I think the couple of times a virus turned nasty for my eldest DD (oxygen required and steroids etc) the last thing on my mind would have been a post on Facebook.

I do though understand your BILs reaction being upsetting cos it’s his niece? So that is very sad. I don’t think say anything and in future just don’t post stuff on Facebook like that, or at all!

That is a really thoughtful post, Wind. We're not all the same and that's fine, we look for other people who are like us and mirror us in ways that matter to us.

I can see why the OP's a bit hurt but I can't understand how she saw any message when looking at photos. They don't just 'pop up' in a group chat, or not as far as I know, you actively have to look at that group chat and obviously OP isn't in that group.

It is hurtful to read or hear non-complimentary things about yourself but, as PP says (and it's true), what other people think of you is none of your business.

OP has a decision to make as to whether she will fan the flames or accept that it was a thoughtless comment not expressed to her, and let it go. If it were me, I would let it go but I would - as suggested by somebody on the thread - remove BIL's view of me. Quietly though, no fanfare needed.

OP... I hope your daughter is better now.

why say that about the ambulance service?

I wonder what the OP said about the ambulance service on FB. I can see why people would be unimpressed if she was slagging off NHS workers doing their best despite being stretched so thin at the moment.

I also wonder whether the OP has a history of dramatic FB posts. BIL doesn't seem to have sent that message out of thin air, there's a definite "here she goes again" subtext.

I personally would think it overly dramatic tbh. And I've definitely talked about some of my more dramatic FB acquaintances to mutual friends.

I agree. I don't think a lot of the posters here sound like normal, healthy, functioning adults. This isn't the way decent people think and behave. Most people would be concerned if they saw a friend or family member post about a sick child. But there is a certain kind of poster here that trip over themselves to desperately prove how superior they feel to other people for doing innocuous things like posting on social media. It's so weird and embarrassing and I wish they would gain some insight and empathy before posting.

Eh, yes I would tell my husband, if I'm upset about something I can't hide it.

But you need to get over this OP, posting about your children's health etc on facebook is total attention seeking and I would be doing a big eye roll about you. Do you seek attention often? You could be very annoying and not realise it.

This!!
"It sounds like she's making it up"

Well BIL's a little Iago, isn't he? Whispering adverse comments in everyone's ear as long as the target never finds out.
Stand up for yourself otherwise, there will be lingering resentment and it will fester, you will always be second-guessing yourself and wondering if they are all criticising you behind your back, making you underconfident and unsure of yourself in family situations. It could damage your future relationships with DH family and impact your relationship with DH if you let it fester.

He's actually telling all of them that you would lie about DD's serious health condition for the drama and attention. It's tantamount to saying to them, "This is what she's like so don't believe her future appeals for help or sympathy."
It has an influence on how the rest of them view you going forward, how they will respond to things you tell them, so you must challenge it. He's nasty.

You are a couple, a unit, and this attitude and adverse PR affects both of you. I think DH WOULD want to know. It's his DD too.

I wouldn't bother asking BIL or anyone else for an insincere apology.
But tell him straight out.

"You are very happy to ask for our help when you need it, so please Stop spreading rumors about me behind my back, if you've got something to say, be an adult and say it directly to my face, for the sake of accuracy. You'll be happy to know that after her hospital stay, DD is recovering." That is not falling out with him, but standing up for yourself and calling out his shitty behaviour.

I'd also be asking

1. DH who else is on this group? Is DH on it. How long have these comments been going on? DH? What does he think about this. Is he going to back your request, that they make any accusations about you to your face. You don't have to have him as your spokesperson/intermediary, you can speak for yourself but it would be nice if he backs you up.
2. I'd take it up with MIL too. She'd seen these messages but said nothing. Did she defend you? I think there's a 60 percent chance she realised you'd seen it.

You don't have to be aggressive. There's no need to be a family fall out. Do it calmly, and Be very matter-of-fact, leaving out recrimination and accusations.

Tell MIL that you know , what does she think about it? They are all welcome to their opinions, but if they have a problem with your behaviour, have the goodness to say it directly to you and give you an opportunity to respond, rather than spread inaccurate stories behind your back. I think it's better to say this rather than let these feelings fester and damage future events.

Also, your the unofficial family drama queen according to BIL, so keep all personal/medical posts off Facebook from now on (its a good idea anyway and- that's what messenger is for) And I'd quietly block BIL on Facebook and other social media from now on if anyone asks - you thought he didn't like seeing your "drama". Also. Be confident in yourself. Who cares what they think? So stop worrying about them.

Sorry OP I know that this would be hard, and its easier said than done.

I don't do this. But I did post about my own 2-week hospitalization and serious accident this year when I kept receiving panicked messages from people after a couple of friends let it slip on my timeline. It was easier to post one FB message with a full account from me.

OP, ignore the self-righteous posters giving you a totally unnecessary kicking on here. Everyone behaves atypically when in a state of panic. Your BiL's reaction was hurtful. My SiL behaved similarly horribly when I had a miscarriage and was in hospital for the surgical procedure then developed a horrible uterine infection (no info anywhere near FB, obviously). I can only conclude that they are the kind of attention-seeking personalities who can't bear not being the centre of attention for one tiny nanosecond.

I have no 'friends' on my account who I know do not wish me well. This is why my in-laws are nowhere near it, didn't hear about my accident until three months later, and then wondered why they hadn't been told. Just remove them, and in future be far more economical about the kind of information you give them about yourself, your children and your life.

In the end it's better that you know, and can respond accordingly. Don't confront them - what would be the point? - but keep them at a more measured distance.

Hope your DD is better now.

Just so you know your bil voiced what 90% of your fb friends were thinking.

It absolutely was attention seeking.

You were scared and you wanted some 'hand holding', you wanted to feel like someone was there.

That is attention seeking.

People only see one aspect to attention seeking. But it's far more complex than that. It's a legitimate need. Looking for reassurance, company, solidarity, wanting to share your feelings, etc they are all requests for attention. A need for someone to notice what you are going through and a desire to feel cared about.

FB is a modern day addition to the chat at the doorstep or coffee with the neighbour or chat with a friend for some people it's the only thing, not the addition.

I'm not a FB sharer type and even I can see that it shouldn't be reduced to a dismissive sneer. It's not hard to understand why some people do it.

Read the post but not the strapline: which was should you tell your husband? Yes, but if he's already committed to help him move out and wants to stick to that, I wouldn't be tempted to give him a hard time. Just take a big step back in the future.

I’m sorry I don’t like the posting on Facebook either of sick and poorly kids.

I had a friend yesterday

1. checked in at hospital as H was Ill again
2. 6 messages about the wonderful a and e being over stretched and poorly pictures of H
3. checked out after being told to rest and take calpol and antibiotic from gp out of hours
4. H in the front seat with a Mac D on the way home Im not saying the OP is the same. I would ask DH to tell his BIL and his mother though to be kind and not bitch about you behind your back

I’d tell your DH.
He needs to know that his brother ignored you and in so doing he ignored a potential health crisis concerning his niece.
He could have reacted by asking if you needed help, but he ignored you, he could have offered a lift but it appears he didn't.

My granddaughter 7, was rushed to hospital two weeks ago from the Out of Hours care centre, the doctor said normally he would call an ambulance but gd needed help quickly, it would be quicker to take her by car so my daughter drove to the hospital. The doctor phoned A&E ahead and when my daughter got there two nurses were waiting for them.
GD spent a night in critical care and four nights on the children's ward. Diagnosed with Type 1 Diabetes.