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Original poster

Should I tell DH what BIL said about me?

206 replies

UserOneTrillion · 28/10/2022 09:23

Have changed some details as this is quite outing.
A few weeks ago DD (3) was taken to hospital with a common virus which had turned nasty. No ambulances available but she needed emergency treatment - pretty terrifying situation. I posted about it on fb which is something I wouldn’t normally do but just panicked and wanted advice.

MIL is staying with us, I get on with her well. She was showing me photos on her phone as she often does and handed it to me with a message open from BIL, seemingly on a group chat. It said something along the lines of ‘I ignore her, it’s attention seeking and sounds like she’s making it up, how can you go to hospital for xyz and why say that about the ambulance service?’ Someone had put a laughing face.

MIL didn’t realise what she’d done and I didn’t say anything. I was shocked and just really upset, DD was seriously unwell and rather than being supportive he’s just being a fucking twat, albeit behind our backs.

DH is supposed to be spending this weekend helping him move house which stings considering what he’s said about me. Should I tell DH or just try to forget about it? I really don’t want to upset MIL or get her involved.

OP posts:
Skylark1990 · 28/10/2022 11:52

Tell you DH - if for nothing else, to be open and honest with him and share how you're feeling. It is not generally good to withhold stuff like that from our OH especially if it is upsetting us.

For what it is worth I don't think what you did is attention seeking. x

Iloveacurry · 28/10/2022 11:53

Does your MIL know you saw the message? Did she say anything? I’d tell your DH if I was you.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 28/10/2022 11:54

@Hadtocomment - good points.

I do feel that letting it go and saying nothing is the same as saying well I can't really deny this. But it doesn't really matter only that it was very unkind and showed no concern whatsoever for the fact that DD was ill and you were worried about her. It implies that you were enjoying the drama more than being concerned about your daughter.
Only you know OP. if you are too "liberal" with your facebook posts but personally I wouldn't let this go without saying something, especially to DH.

diamondpony80 · 28/10/2022 11:57

The kind of person that would post something like that on FB usually is attention seeking, so maybe he got the wrong end of the stick. Still a dickish thing for him to say in a group chat though. I would tell DH.

TheCurseOfBoris · 28/10/2022 11:58

Attention seeking is when someone puts 'At the hospital' with no other info and then everyone puts 'Hope you're OK' etc. Then you get the single reply to one poster 'I'll pm you'. Arghhhhh.
OP, you were not the above.
BIL is a dick. Maybe MIL pulled him up on it later. Defo block him on FB and when and only when he asks why, just calmly say 'You think my posts are attention seeking so why are you bothered about not seeing them?'.

Purplecatshopaholic · 28/10/2022 12:01

If it was me, I would defo tell my DH, and ask my MIL how she responded when she saw the message. I would also say something choice to BIL. But that’s me..

oxfordjrr · 28/10/2022 12:03

If my partner's family was slagging me off in a group chat I wasn't apart of (and most likely have done before) you can bet I would be kicking right off. MIL is part of that chat so don't give her a free pass. I would let DH know, then confront the BIL and MIL privately. You saw the message on accident, so you are not in the wrong. Don't be a doormat OP

Vapeyvapevape · 28/10/2022 12:08

I always roll my eyes when someone is supposedly in the middle of a medical emergency but have time to post on social media

Lili132 · 28/10/2022 12:12

ABJ100 · 28/10/2022 09:49

It doesn't matter that you deleted. It looks even more attention seeking deleting it after as if something serious happened. Why post here as well? No one is qualified to give you medical advice. The thing is he wasn't wrong, it was attention seeking. It was just that you happened to find out. Who are the others on the chat?

Show quote history

FFS you don't know why she posted on Facebook. Maybe because she was anxious waiting for doctor's call, maybe because she needed support or advice.
To say with some sort of sick confidence that a mother worried about her child being seriously ill posted on Facebook just for attention says more about you then OP really. Maybe you're just saying that to feel superior or you are clueless at best.

Mummyoflittledragon · 28/10/2022 12:14

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 28/10/2022 11:43

This!!
"It sounds like she's making it up"

Well BIL's a little Iago, isn't he? Whispering adverse comments in everyone's ear as long as the target never finds out.
Stand up for yourself otherwise, there will be lingering resentment and it will fester, you will always be second-guessing yourself and wondering if they are all criticising you behind your back, making you underconfident and unsure of yourself in family situations. It could damage your future relationships with DH family and impact your relationship with DH if you let it fester.

He's actually telling all of them that you would lie about DD's serious health condition for the drama and attention. It's tantamount to saying to them, "This is what she's like so don't believe her future appeals for help or sympathy."
It has an influence on how the rest of them view you going forward, how they will respond to things you tell them, so you must challenge it. He's nasty.

You are a couple, a unit, and this attitude and adverse PR affects both of you. I think DH WOULD want to know. It's his DD too.

I wouldn't bother asking BIL or anyone else for an insincere apology.
But tell him straight out.

"You are very happy to ask for our help when you need it, so please Stop spreading rumors about me behind my back, if you've got something to say, be an adult and say it directly to my face, for the sake of accuracy. You'll be happy to know that after her hospital stay, DD is recovering." That is not falling out with him, but standing up for yourself and calling out his shitty behaviour.

I'd also be asking

  1. DH who else is on this group? Is DH on it. How long have these comments been going on? DH? What does he think about this. Is he going to back your request, that they make any accusations about you to your face. You don't have to have him as your spokesperson/intermediary, you can speak for yourself but it would be nice if he backs you up.
  2. I'd take it up with MIL too. She'd seen these messages but said nothing. Did she defend you? I think there's a 60 percent chance she realised you'd seen it.

You don't have to be aggressive. There's no need to be a family fall out. Do it calmly, and Be very matter-of-fact, leaving out recrimination and accusations.

Tell MIL that you know , what does she think about it? They are all welcome to their opinions, but if they have a problem with your behaviour, have the goodness to say it directly to you and give you an opportunity to respond, rather than spread inaccurate stories behind your back. I think it's better to say this rather than let these feelings fester and damage future events.

Also, your the unofficial family drama queen according to BIL, so keep all personal/medical posts off Facebook from now on (its a good idea anyway and- that's what messenger is for) And I'd quietly block BIL on Facebook and other social media from now on if anyone asks - you thought he didn't like seeing your "drama". Also. Be confident in yourself. Who cares what they think? So stop worrying about them.

Sorry OP I know that this would be hard, and its easier said than done.

Show quote history

This all day long. You should stick up for yourself and your family.

Please ignore the Facebook attention seeking comments on here. I don’t post my life on fb at all but I have a dd with a difficult to manage medical condition and I can absolutely relate to the blind panic you felt. I definitely understand why you did what you did. Personally I would have posted on here, but I’m not you. So stand by the choices you made at the time. They were not wrong even if you’d possibly do it differently next time.

@Daffodilsandtuplips has a made very good point. Your bil saw your post, we don’t know when but it was potentially whilst your were waiting for an ambulance and didn’t come to your aid.

HowVeryBizarre · 28/10/2022 12:15

I would tell your DH as regardless of whether or not posting on FB was the sensible thing to do, mocking you in a group chat is horrible. I would expect an apology from your BIL personally.

kenadams86 · 28/10/2022 12:16

His words are particularly hurtful. Whether he thinks you were attention seeking or not he took it a bit too far by being nasty and by showing lack of concern for your child.

However in this situation, I would just step back BIL, delete BIL from FB and I would also tell my husband what you have read. Not because I would want him to say anything to him but just so he knows what BIL is saying incase there are other issues in the future

BigglyBee · 28/10/2022 12:18

IncompleteSenten · 28/10/2022 11:47

It absolutely was attention seeking.

You were scared and you wanted some 'hand holding', you wanted to feel like someone was there.

That is attention seeking.

People only see one aspect to attention seeking. But it's far more complex than that. It's a legitimate need. Looking for reassurance, company, solidarity, wanting to share your feelings, etc they are all requests for attention. A need for someone to notice what you are going through and a desire to feel cared about.

FB is a modern day addition to the chat at the doorstep or coffee with the neighbour or chat with a friend for some people it's the only thing, not the addition.

I'm not a FB sharer type and even I can see that it shouldn't be reduced to a dismissive sneer. It's not hard to understand why some people do it.

Exactly this. I've only ever put one post on Facebook, but even I might do similar if I was faced with an emergency and no ambulance was available. Reaching out in the easiest way (typing) when you may not be too coherent and you don't know who will be available is perfectly understandable.

I think I would tell my husband about this, because it would fester in my mind until I had talked to someone about it. And definitely block the BIL (and consider the same for MIL).

Bigfishlittlefishcardboardfox · 28/10/2022 12:18

Regardless of where you posted it, its a nasty comment and he would probably be ashamed for you to have seen it. Personally I would have said something straight away. I’d also have told DH. However once I’d raised it, I would forgive and move on. I’d say something like “Mark, I saw the comments you made to mother in law about me posting on Facebook when sally was unwell. I found it really hurtful. I’m sure you regret saying it, so lets I’ll leave it at that and move on. Do you want a slice of cake?”.

People say gossipy nasty comments when they think the person won’t know. Often it isn’t even their true opinion. It’s just a way to (ironically) get attention and make people laugh. It’s not nice or okay but I think clearing the air and saying you found it hurtful and then moving on is best policy.

Obki · 28/10/2022 12:19

LoekMa · 28/10/2022 11:22

And facebook made an ambulance materialize out of thin air?? What was the point of that post? OPs on and yours too? 🤔

Show quote history

She was asking for advice, not an ambulance Hmm

What is the point of your post except to poke fun at someone who was worried about her sick child?

Go take your ghoulish posts elsewhere, they're not needed here.

rwalker · 28/10/2022 12:22

I’m with bil soon as I see anything like that on Facebook presume attention seeking shite

abblie · 28/10/2022 12:27

Address it but not with your husband but with your BIL and let him know that seeing as he is not medically trained and present when your DD was ill he has no right to put you down as a mother concerned about her child's health.

If you ignore this he will just keep doing it stand up for yourself

drpet49 · 28/10/2022 12:29

Bananarama21 · 28/10/2022 09:32

Hes not wrong is he? Why post on fb it is attention seeking. If my child become unwell I wouldn't post if I couldn't get an ambulance, I'd drive or get a taxi, the last thing I'd do is be going on fb. He's entitled to have an opinion it wasn't directly said to you though.

This. That was his opinion. He is entitled to it.

girlmom21 · 28/10/2022 12:30

I wouldn't say anything. You weren't supposed to see the message. It wasn't intended for you.

Bananarama21 · 28/10/2022 12:38

My son had taken ill struggling to breathe with a bad viral infection not once did I post on fb any family's who I needed help with childcare were contact by phonecall. This is the problem these days people living there lives through social media.

NoSki · 28/10/2022 12:43

Of course you tell him. Why wouldn’t you? My DH would be able to tell there was something bothering me I wasn’t telling him

IWishICouldDance · 28/10/2022 12:43

Well I'm not into the post on fb when children are ill but your bil is a twat. I'd tell your husband what he's said, I'm sure he can manage to move himself at the weekend.

RealBecca · 28/10/2022 12:48

Why would you not normally put it on facebook? Is it because you think not would look attention seeking? If so then his opinion isnt wrong. You had a moment of madness and what you thought would happen (being judged) did happen as a result.

No, dont drag DH into it. BIL said it about you so if you have a problem with it then you need deal with it yourself

StClare101 · 28/10/2022 12:53

Well, he’s not wrong …. But bitching in a WhatsApp with other family members is equally awful.

In that situation I’d tell my DH. I don’t see why you want to leave your MIL out of it she’s clearly involved.

Emilysals · 28/10/2022 12:58

I wouldn't tell your dh, as my mother once said "choose your battles with your in-laws wisely" .... It's a tricky situation as I can empathise as to why you're upset but from your dh's point of view he might ask why you were reading a message that wasn't meant for you?

Just try and forget about it and don't post things of that nature on social media and then nobody can criticise you

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